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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

That red monster...

... that no one wants in their life! That invisible beast which makes you a target, claws on your face, leaving scars and clutches your shoulders so tight, you get tears in your eyes. The beast called anger. 

This post isn't really about anything in particular, but an update on my not-so-great-life recently. I know I promised not to vent on this blog, that even got an award for its positivity (thank you Abinaya!), but I suppose it's okay sometimes. I actually have about 15 drafts posts, half written, most of which have been created in the past few days itself. Each day I get new topics to write about, I start writing but then get lost somewhere in between, the result of which is an empty blog filled with serious posts since the past few, well, posts. I still haven't started any Theandric Thursday story, I left a story I actually was writing, in between. I have the idea in mind, I created scenes today while in a boring class, I have those notes right in front of me, but I can't write. I'm supposedly, a new columnist at That's So Gloss (yeah, thanks. Click on the link to check it out), but I've just written one article till now, while I was supposed to have written at least three. I'm so dead. Even for those, I do have drafts! Why can't God just either, take it all away at once, or give me back everything? This "in between" thing is making me irritable, angry and so damn under-confident!

For a change, I actually have some amazing books with me, at home, paperbacks and hardbacks, but they're just lying unread. I haven't been able to read more than 10 pages at a time and I'm wayyy behind in the review books. What if people just stop reading my book blog? Leave that aside, my goodreads challenge widget shows "at your current pace, you're two books behind schedule", which, weird as it may sound, is actually hurtful to even look at. The World Book Fair's on, and I don't even know if I'll be able to attend it. Actually, no. I'm going there on Sunday, what the hell ever happens! I am so feeling like making a visit to Daryaganj for books, but I can't. I so want to read all the Young Adult fiction I have, finish the remaining Dan Brown books before his new book, 'Inferno' is released in May, read books by Khaled Hosseini before his new book is released, but with the pace my sucky life is going on, I can't do that. 

Picture courtesy: Google. 
Sometimes I hate being good. I wouldn't talk in a 'down-to-earth' tone right now. I like being good to people, I like it when they smile because of something I did/said, I absolutely love it when someone benefits because of me and they're grateful for it. But I do not like the way I'm taken for granted, which is a lot. I don't like it when I do something for you, you're so absorbed in it and saying 'Thank you' that you do not see the other stuff I'm talking about, stuff that's important to me. I'd very much like it if you would trust me 100%, and not hide things, stupid things specially, from me. Really, I'm not dumb. And I feel unwanted when you do that. Probably also insecure, and jealous. Save me these horrible feelings and please reciprocate the love I'm giving, alright?

'Self-image' is so hard to maintain, even if you're actually being "you", just because people around are playing with being who they're not. They'd say things they don't mean, they'd speak behind your back just because they're afraid of saying the truth out loud in front of you, they'd do things just so another can fail and I hate it. I hate it when I'm being judged on the basis of what I say. No one would even look at what I'm doing. And even if I'm saying/writing, it wouldn't be taken seriously. Either there's something terribly wrong with me, or I'm the most self-deprecating person ever (which I refuse to believe, because I've always been quite a positive person, ignoring a lot of non-sense. But then, everything always comes with a limit). We're having a General Student Body election, students who're interested in being in the Student Council would fight for the "coveted" seats. Apart from all the unexpected, dirty politics (which I don't even feel like mentioning), I'm just sort of burdened with the idea of just me contesting for the executive post of "Literary Head". I mean, come on! It's just depressing! I want people to be enthusiastic about this post, but it's just a 'small, useless position that's not going to be admirable'. I really, really want a friend who's just like me, who reads just the same books I do and with whom I would easily talk non-stop about the books we read. I'm done with diversity and stuff. Doesn't work for me.  

There could be a hell lot of more things I could write here, but I suppose, I should do my best to just look at the good and ignore the bad. It's going to be tough, but I'm not going to let others make me feel low, not anymore. I'd still be good, because I will not change myself because morons decide to turn devils. I am only hoping that they start caring more about everyone, not just me. It's life, people! Materialism should have a limit, no? I wish I could limit this post's visibility, so that not everyone reads it. I don't think that option is available with blogspot, though. Apologies for the strong post. I hope I soon finish a draft and post it. They're all nice and warm and positive! 

PS- I'm lonely, even with people around. I need friends. Someone who'd focus on what I am saying, instead of being self-absorbed, like everyone is. 


13 comments:

  1. Ashna, I can't say that it's okay because I totally know it's not. Being honest, I went through the very same thing the past few weeks where I was surrounded by my friends or whatever, but I felt as lonely, misfitting and alone as hell, inspite of the company. But my best friend could see through me and he was there for me, I realized how much he tried to push me to reality and I think things slowly are falling into place. I still do feel lonely and I'm not back to ME, but I know that it'll take time. I'm willing to just be with people or even person, who will stick by me and listen to me, despite all odds.. Diversity sucks, I totally agree now.

    Things will get better, things have to go uphill once they've already gone downhill right? Look at the brighter side of things (yes there is a brighter side!).

    Hopefully, the tomorrows will be better days! :)

    Hugs. <3

    P.S: Sorry for the long, dukhbari comment :|

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    1. Hey Abiniya. I appreciate your long comment ;) Yes, there are definitely the brighter sides to the darker ones, just sometimes the dark one is too... well, dark. It was quite overwhelming and had to get out. It's getting better already, thanks! :D

      Hugs and love to you too! <3

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  2. That's absolutely fine ... we all feel lost and lonely some times in our lives ... come on, life is big, so there will be moments like these when you would feel depressed and low ... but good time always comes back sooner than later, bringing promises and hope ... keep smiling :-)

    PS: I am waiting for Dan Brown and Khaled Hosseini's books too, which would come out in May.

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    1. Oh that's May! I hope I read the pending ones by then! You said it right, life is big. The good times are nearly here, I can sense it! ;) Thank you :)

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  3. It happens with everyone,
    you are absolutely correct when you say-''you would not change for anybody and be good to everyone around you''
    hope the next post is about you winning the Elections :)

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    1. Haha! That made me smile. Thank you :)

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  4. You are very right when you say you aren't going to change 'cause some devil decided that for him/herself.Just maintain that. Yeah..this situation you are currently tolerating is NOT good at all! I can truly understand the frustation...and its disturbing to meet the otherwise so chirpy you like this. :/
    Hope you get over it soon. :)

    Am always up for being that friend....if u feel the need :)

    ComeBACK soon!

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    1. Thank you so much Srishti! <3 I'm sure I wouldn't change. I'm sure I'd remind myself that it's all temporary and if someone/something is not a good influence on me, it's better to get it over with. It's over now, I hope! :)

      Love!! :D

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  5. Aww Ashna you sound like me :P But first a BIIIIIIG Hug :) Then, I'd like you to be prepared for this very childish sorta comment ;)
    Now, since I can't do it personally, I'd tell you to to grab a chocolate! I know, you don't like sweet things very much (I remember you mentioning it; sharp memory no? :P)but have a nice bar of chocolate and do not share it with anyone. Then, I'd tell you to take a deep breath, exhale and forget about all those morons! Now, I'm gonna tell you - "Damn those people!! I hate people who make someone feel that way! And why do such people happen to be in the lives of all the good people?!"

    It's good to be angry and to vent out, you have all these great people on the blog,( like me) who die to read your posts (that would be me) and wait for your comment/reply (me again!)And you've always given me good advice! I seriously don't know how to 'be-there' for someone! But I'm trying here!! You have a wonderful-adorable-bright personality, that's what I love the most about you. You make people smile, and that's such a great thing! Be angry, cry, scream, bang you head! But remember you're loved and always will be, there are those devils who always come to ruin one's mood and make one feel miserable -but don't let them bring you down! Don't give a damn to unappreciative, insensitive people! Enough now! You cannot let anyone take away your signature thingy-being positive!!

    I'm a stupid 17 yr old, who just wrote a whole lot of nonsense but I can tell you one thing Ashna- life is unfair, people don't always appreciate you, you end up putting more efforts into relationships than the other and you get nothing in return. So, this is what I believe-don't do things for ungrateful people at your expense. Banging your head because of their actions is gonna do harm to you, not to them. So stand up, dust yourself, stand tall, look at your self in the mirror and say out loud- I'm not gonna let anyone bring me down! I am BACK!" And then, come blog, post a positive write-up and say thanks to a naive 17 year old who misses you and your posts & comments a lot!

    Take care, lots of love and hugs!!
    P.S. We have I think 4-5 years of age difference. But I can still be a great friend. Cause I like to punch people who make my friends miserable :P Hi 5 Ashna! We'll all be waiting for the chirpy-bubbly-optimistic you!!!

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    1. Oops!! A bit too much??! Sorry, word limits are my weakness, you know that ;)

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    2. Your comments are very much looked forward to, you know. Like you, I love long comments ;)

      You're awesome if you remember when I said I don't like sweets. But hey, even for me, chocolates don't qualify for "sweets". I like them. And okay, I'll keep that in mind. I'm sure it works. :)

      It's you who actually was "there" when I needed some advice. You're not naive. Just awesome. Please stay the way you are. Strong, chirpy, understanding and intelligent. And I'm not even talking about knowledge here. :)

      Loved your frank views about unfairness and not doing stuff for ungrateful people. Thank you times infinity! ^_^

      Lots of love and hugs! <3

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  6. Hi Ashna, I fear I'm too late to be given any chance at saying anything on this particular post(sorry :|), and since I can't find anything more to say after reading Ruya's wonderful comment(and the rest of them), I would say just one thing.

    It's really heartbreaking when someone you respect or love much behaves with you indifferently or inappropriately but you'll have to remember that those who take you for granted and/or think you're not somebody to be given much attention to(and I am not pointing at anybody in particular here), need to be ignored.

    And you won't be wasting that respect and love if you do that. Just redirect them to those who care(like your awesome blog readers above :P) ;)

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    1. Haha!! Sure, why not? And really, where else would I be directing my love? ;)

      What you say makes a lot of sense. It's hard, though. But yes, it's the right thing to do! :)

      Thank you. This comment made me happy somehow :D

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