... that no one wants in their life! That invisible beast which makes you a target, claws on your face, leaving scars and clutches your shoulders so tight, you get tears in your eyes. The beast called anger.
This post isn't really about anything in particular, but an update on my not-so-great-life recently. I know I promised not to vent on this blog, that even got an award for its positivity (thank you Abinaya!), but I suppose it's okay sometimes. I actually have about 15 drafts posts, half written, most of which have been created in the past few days itself. Each day I get new topics to write about, I start writing but then get lost somewhere in between, the result of which is an empty blog filled with serious posts since the past few, well, posts. I still haven't started any Theandric Thursday story, I left a story I actually was writing, in between. I have the idea in mind, I created scenes today while in a boring class, I have those notes right in front of me, but I can't write. I'm supposedly, a new columnist at That's So Gloss (yeah, thanks. Click on the link to check it out), but I've just written one article till now, while I was supposed to have written at least three. I'm so dead. Even for those, I do have drafts! Why can't God just either, take it all away at once, or give me back everything? This "in between" thing is making me irritable, angry and so damn under-confident!
For a change, I actually have some amazing books with me, at home, paperbacks and hardbacks, but they're just lying unread. I haven't been able to read more than 10 pages at a time and I'm wayyy behind in the review books. What if people just stop reading my book blog? Leave that aside, my goodreads challenge widget shows "at your current pace, you're two books behind schedule", which, weird as it may sound, is actually hurtful to even look at. The World Book Fair's on, and I don't even know if I'll be able to attend it. Actually, no. I'm going there on Sunday, what the hell ever happens! I am so feeling like making a visit to Daryaganj for books, but I can't. I so want to read all the Young Adult fiction I have, finish the remaining Dan Brown books before his new book, 'Inferno' is released in May, read books by Khaled Hosseini before his new book is released, but with the pace my sucky life is going on, I can't do that.
|Picture courtesy: Google.|
Sometimes I hate being good. I wouldn't talk in a 'down-to-earth' tone right now. I like being good to people, I like it when they smile because of something I did/said, I absolutely love it when someone benefits because of me and they're grateful for it. But I do not like the way I'm taken for granted, which is a lot. I don't like it when I do something for you, you're so absorbed in it and saying 'Thank you' that you do not see the other stuff I'm talking about, stuff that's important to me. I'd very much like it if you would trust me 100%, and not hide things, stupid things specially, from me. Really, I'm not dumb. And I feel unwanted when you do that. Probably also insecure, and jealous. Save me these horrible feelings and please reciprocate the love I'm giving, alright?
'Self-image' is so hard to maintain, even if you're actually being "you", just because people around are playing with being who they're not. They'd say things they don't mean, they'd speak behind your back just because they're afraid of saying the truth out loud in front of you, they'd do things just so another can fail and I hate it. I hate it when I'm being judged on the basis of what I say. No one would even look at what I'm doing. And even if I'm saying/writing, it wouldn't be taken seriously. Either there's something terribly wrong with me, or I'm the most self-deprecating person ever (which I refuse to believe, because I've always been quite a positive person, ignoring a lot of non-sense. But then, everything always comes with a limit). We're having a General Student Body election, students who're interested in being in the Student Council would fight for the "coveted" seats. Apart from all the unexpected, dirty politics (which I don't even feel like mentioning), I'm just sort of burdened with the idea of just me contesting for the executive post of "Literary Head". I mean, come on! It's just depressing! I want people to be enthusiastic about this post, but it's just a 'small, useless position that's not going to be admirable'. I really, really want a friend who's just like me, who reads just the same books I do and with whom I would easily talk non-stop about the books we read. I'm done with diversity and stuff. Doesn't work for me.
There could be a hell lot of more things I could write here, but I suppose, I should do my best to just look at the good and ignore the bad. It's going to be tough, but I'm not going to let others make me feel low, not anymore. I'd still be good, because I will not change myself because morons decide to turn devils. I am only hoping that they start caring more about everyone, not just me. It's life, people! Materialism should have a limit, no? I wish I could limit this post's visibility, so that not everyone reads it. I don't think that option is available with blogspot, though. Apologies for the strong post. I hope I soon finish a draft and post it. They're all nice and warm and positive!
PS- I'm lonely, even with people around. I need friends. Someone who'd focus on what I am saying, instead of being self-absorbed, like everyone is.