Just being me...

... is so not easy. Really. It's also confusing, but I suppose it's more because of what I perceive from people around me. What they say, the way they behave, the things they said they'd do but then don't do it. It was far more easier when I was small and fearless, having only to interact with the limited janta in school or the neighbourhood. It was only when, entering college that first day (Alone. When everyone came with their parents on Orientation. See? I thought I could do anything back then! Jhansi ki Rani! :P) I realized how vastly different people can be. And it sort of confuses you, right? You start losing the sense of who you really are (okay, maybe you also get to finally know you are, but still). You know you want something, but looking at what others are getting, you pause, uncertain, doubting if what you really wanted is what you really want. Don't you start doubting yourself? We can look at the positive side of it and say we get more options and a wider perception and all such philosophical stuff. Even then, you have to admit, it is definitely confusing.

Being totally candid (because caring about what anyone else would think? I stopped doing that a loongg while ago), I'd type down a little bit about myself, the way I register things and events and maybe even people. It may just help me discover stuff I hadn't thought about before and I need a place to write this down.

The first and the most important is the way I think. I'm 21 going on 22 and getting my thought process, perception and ideas molded every day, but the basic foundation is the same. I've had people call me a kid, an innocent little girl, and I think maybe it is true. Because yes, I have that sense of wonder for every damn thing. If I see something that interests me (which can be practically anything. Even the tiles on the floor) I'd start having questions about it. It's not the "whys" that bother me, it's the "hows". I keep it simple. I do not understand (and I really mean it) why or how people can think of ways to behave so as to make something happen to someone else or cook up schemes. I mean, I cannot even cook a papad! Or do you bake a papad? I don't even know what we do with a papad, forget about people! What I do know is that we must be true. What-the-hell-ever happens! Be true to yourself and to the people you love. Even with others, please keep a smile. You never know who needs one and you could just have made a rotten day better for a stranger!

There are a lot of things I love. If not love, at least like. My pillow, all the pillows in the house, all the books ever printed (okay, maybe except that trash published under the lame excuse of 'contemporary'- applicable only to some particular books I have in mind, which I wouldn't mention), the birds in the morning, the sun and the moon and the grass and the plants, the way someone smiles, the way some people talk, the mess in my wardrobe, the careful collection in my scrapbook, the monuments I've seen and all those that exist, the perfume I received as a gift, the song(s) dedicated to me, little kids being innocent, smiles on babies, guys who smile....a lot, guys who aren't materialistic and have the sensitivity for nature and the zeal for adventure, people who make others laugh, smells and scents of a lot of things (told you before I'm a smell elemental ;) ) and practically almost everything! But when I dislike something, it's for certain I wouldn't like it to a great extent, ever.  I hate making jokes criticizing someone or something. But I do love giving my thoughts and opinions when you seek it.

That's me. The white one ;)

I know I'm good. I'm honest and lies scare the hell out of me. I don't deliberately want to hurt anyone, ever. I do see it when someone's being a jerk and cheating and doing one of those so-called-clever-but-actually-idiotic things like acting in a certain way or doing a certain something just to make something happen that favours them. Girls do this a lot and I hate it. Happens in 'guy-wars'. The clever ones would deliberately, for instance, say something to them first even when someone else thought of it, strategically place themselves so that they're close to them at all times, won't let anyone else talk personal to them and other such nonsense that gets me worried about the sanctity of it all. I mean, doesn't this seem like a 'competition'? The actually good ones are at a disadvantage as they'd never stoop that low. The only hope that I see is that guys wouldn't be dumb enough to not see through it. If they are, well, they deserve the chant one.

There are things that make me different from the rest. I love teachers who talk about life, and not materialism. I do not even like materialism. The only thing in life that matters to me is being happy. I want to earn just that much that would help me lead a comfortable life and I want to achieve that by doing something I find interesting. Money has never been a motivator, and it's not that I'm some richie spoilt brat. I have thought that maybe if I didn't have a single penny to spend, I'd be motivated by it and maybe that could be true. I don't know. But I honestly couldn't care less about it. The thing that's slightly disturbing is that I think maybe I would feel somewhat disappointed if, in the thick of things (example, during placements and stuff) I get less than my peers, but I don't want to feel that way. If I'm getting what I asked for and what I worked for, I have no right to be disappointed, right? Money may be their motivator, it's not mine!

I am, what you would call, a simpleton. Be direct with me, please. Sometimes I honestly don't 'get' hints or gestures. The only thing I want is to see everyone smiling and happy and I want to be happy myself. We do have some bad days, some things so despicable occur that you have no other option but to feel sad, and I don't think that's wrong. I love my friends and, whether it is right or wrong, I do expect them to have the same love for me. Isn't it just logical and humane? If I'm loving you, you do the same for me! This is the only dimension where I'm the most disappointed. I see fake friendships and discover it only later, after a lot of hurt feelings. I see indifference, which, if you ask me, if the greatest felony in the world! You can't hurt a person as much by being rude as you do by being indifferent. Yes, I feel very sad when I'm ignored, or made to feel not as important as they are to me. I'm born with a built in J-gene and I get jealous, very soon!

I love reading quotes on Goodreads (just saying, read up quotes and books by Jodi Picoult - who was my 'Author of the Day' today at Goodreads - because what she writes is so relatable and so true that you'd forget anything else anyone else says. Trust me), I love long messages and comments some amazing people write, just to say nice things, I love it when something weird happens, I love it even more when it happens with me, I love it when I see a smile that's there because of something I just said, I love it even more when it reaches their eyes, I love books (as if it wasn't obvious) and even more when I read something, even if it's just a line, that I feel is so beautiful that I want to keep it ingrained in my memory forever, I love the "little things", the genuine courtesy of some well mannered people (I loathe those who're manner-less), I love the morning dew drops and the sun in the clouds. I love coffee and I love traditional stuff. I hate technology (except the internet. Or how else would I blog?) and I hate it even more to see tiny kids infested with cell phones and what not. It's enough to make me cry! 

Anyhow, this post is long enough, I suppose. There are so many more things I'm feeling like typing down, the good thing about which is that I'd get to know, reflect, contemplate more about myself this way! Woo-hoo smartypants. Nice idea! Oh, the trademark thingy that marks the real me: I blog random stuff like this when I have loads of work pending! I've got a mid-sem test tomorrow, about which I'm sort of clueless. But since I lost the respect and trust over the concept of exams way too long ago, it doesn't much bother me as long as I'm getting at least an average. I just want to be sure I'd understand the concepts, which I hope I do!