Read THIS First ..

Read THIS First..
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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Just being me...

... is so not easy. Really. It's also confusing, but I suppose it's more because of what I perceive from people around me. What they say, the way they behave, the things they said they'd do but then don't do it. It was far more easier when I was small and fearless, having only to interact with the limited janta in school or the neighbourhood. It was only when, entering college that first day (Alone. When everyone came with their parents on Orientation. See? I thought I could do anything back then! Jhansi ki Rani! :P) I realized how vastly different people can be. And it sort of confuses you, right? You start losing the sense of who you really are (okay, maybe you also get to finally know you are, but still). You know you want something, but looking at what others are getting, you pause, uncertain, doubting if what you really wanted is what you really want. Don't you start doubting yourself? We can look at the positive side of it and say we get more options and a wider perception and all such philosophical stuff. Even then, you have to admit, it is definitely confusing.

Being totally candid (because caring about what anyone else would think? I stopped doing that a loongg while ago), I'd type down a little bit about myself, the way I register things and events and maybe even people. It may just help me discover stuff I hadn't thought about before and I need a place to write this down.

The first and the most important is the way I think. I'm 21 going on 22 and getting my thought process, perception and ideas molded every day, but the basic foundation is the same. I've had people call me a kid, an innocent little girl, and I think maybe it is true. Because yes, I have that sense of wonder for every damn thing. If I see something that interests me (which can be practically anything. Even the tiles on the floor) I'd start having questions about it. It's not the "whys" that bother me, it's the "hows". I keep it simple. I do not understand (and I really mean it) why or how people can think of ways to behave so as to make something happen to someone else or cook up schemes. I mean, I cannot even cook a papad! Or do you bake a papad? I don't even know what we do with a papad, forget about people! What I do know is that we must be true. What-the-hell-ever happens! Be true to yourself and to the people you love. Even with others, please keep a smile. You never know who needs one and you could just have made a rotten day better for a stranger!

There are a lot of things I love. If not love, at least like. My pillow, all the pillows in the house, all the books ever printed (okay, maybe except that trash published under the lame excuse of 'contemporary'- applicable only to some particular books I have in mind, which I wouldn't mention), the birds in the morning, the sun and the moon and the grass and the plants, the way someone smiles, the way some people talk, the mess in my wardrobe, the careful collection in my scrapbook, the monuments I've seen and all those that exist, the perfume I received as a gift, the song(s) dedicated to me, little kids being innocent, smiles on babies, guys who smile....a lot, guys who aren't materialistic and have the sensitivity for nature and the zeal for adventure, people who make others laugh, smells and scents of a lot of things (told you before I'm a smell elemental ;) ) and practically almost everything! But when I dislike something, it's for certain I wouldn't like it to a great extent, ever.  I hate making jokes criticizing someone or something. But I do love giving my thoughts and opinions when you seek it.

That's me. The white one ;)

I know I'm good. I'm honest and lies scare the hell out of me. I don't deliberately want to hurt anyone, ever. I do see it when someone's being a jerk and cheating and doing one of those so-called-clever-but-actually-idiotic things like acting in a certain way or doing a certain something just to make something happen that favours them. Girls do this a lot and I hate it. Happens in 'guy-wars'. The clever ones would deliberately, for instance, say something to them first even when someone else thought of it, strategically place themselves so that they're close to them at all times, won't let anyone else talk personal to them and other such nonsense that gets me worried about the sanctity of it all. I mean, doesn't this seem like a 'competition'? The actually good ones are at a disadvantage as they'd never stoop that low. The only hope that I see is that guys wouldn't be dumb enough to not see through it. If they are, well, they deserve the chant one.

There are things that make me different from the rest. I love teachers who talk about life, and not materialism. I do not even like materialism. The only thing in life that matters to me is being happy. I want to earn just that much that would help me lead a comfortable life and I want to achieve that by doing something I find interesting. Money has never been a motivator, and it's not that I'm some richie spoilt brat. I have thought that maybe if I didn't have a single penny to spend, I'd be motivated by it and maybe that could be true. I don't know. But I honestly couldn't care less about it. The thing that's slightly disturbing is that I think maybe I would feel somewhat disappointed if, in the thick of things (example, during placements and stuff) I get less than my peers, but I don't want to feel that way. If I'm getting what I asked for and what I worked for, I have no right to be disappointed, right? Money may be their motivator, it's not mine!

I am, what you would call, a simpleton. Be direct with me, please. Sometimes I honestly don't 'get' hints or gestures. The only thing I want is to see everyone smiling and happy and I want to be happy myself. We do have some bad days, some things so despicable occur that you have no other option but to feel sad, and I don't think that's wrong. I love my friends and, whether it is right or wrong, I do expect them to have the same love for me. Isn't it just logical and humane? If I'm loving you, you do the same for me! This is the only dimension where I'm the most disappointed. I see fake friendships and discover it only later, after a lot of hurt feelings. I see indifference, which, if you ask me, if the greatest felony in the world! You can't hurt a person as much by being rude as you do by being indifferent. Yes, I feel very sad when I'm ignored, or made to feel not as important as they are to me. I'm born with a built in J-gene and I get jealous, very soon!

I love reading quotes on Goodreads (just saying, read up quotes and books by Jodi Picoult - who was my 'Author of the Day' today at Goodreads - because what she writes is so relatable and so true that you'd forget anything else anyone else says. Trust me), I love long messages and comments some amazing people write, just to say nice things, I love it when something weird happens, I love it even more when it happens with me, I love it when I see a smile that's there because of something I just said, I love it even more when it reaches their eyes, I love books (as if it wasn't obvious) and even more when I read something, even if it's just a line, that I feel is so beautiful that I want to keep it ingrained in my memory forever, I love the "little things", the genuine courtesy of some well mannered people (I loathe those who're manner-less), I love the morning dew drops and the sun in the clouds. I love coffee and I love traditional stuff. I hate technology (except the internet. Or how else would I blog?) and I hate it even more to see tiny kids infested with cell phones and what not. It's enough to make me cry! 

Anyhow, this post is long enough, I suppose. There are so many more things I'm feeling like typing down, the good thing about which is that I'd get to know, reflect, contemplate more about myself this way! Woo-hoo smartypants. Nice idea! Oh, the trademark thingy that marks the real me: I blog random stuff like this when I have loads of work pending! I've got a mid-sem test tomorrow, about which I'm sort of clueless. But since I lost the respect and trust over the concept of exams way too long ago, it doesn't much bother me as long as I'm getting at least an average. I just want to be sure I'd understand the concepts, which I hope I do! 


  1. Ah!! It feels so good to read this post today Ashna :D

    I read it twice - not because I could not understand it in the first reading, but because I wanted it to sink in more and more deeper into Me - my mind - my heart- and my soul.

    I don't know if you realise what profound impact you create with your posts on readers like Me <3

    Sending a tight hug to you for writing this one, esp. TODAY.

    Cannot thank you enough for it.

    1. I feel really "tingly" with anxiousness and awesomeness (if you know what I mean) when someone says they actually get impacted by these posts. I mean, it makes me feel responsible!

      I'm glad you felt nice. A big hug and thanks to YOU :) You guys motivate me to write! :)

  2. This is just you and you know I totally like you! :P

    +1 for the picture! :D

  3. Uff! It was so long! :D and you were up for more? :O
    Sticking to the truth, I forgot half of the things youwrote by the time I reached the end :P but I merrily enjoyed it anyway!

    Anddd...I so much like that "oh this is me" feeling when I could relate with your posts. But yes, you are far more better and positive and I love that. :)

    1. Haha! Thank you Srishti. I feel this beloved blog itself gives off a vibe for positivity, so much so that I don't feel like writing anything negative here. Thanks for reading and commenting :D

  4. Hi Ashna! :)

    I am glad that this is the first post I read on your blog because now I know what I am dealing with. ;D

    You will be 22...that makes me a year older than you.

    I have felt that no matter where I go, people are the same with different faces. Heck, sometimes even the faces look generic. It's as if people are factory produced these days. There is nothing unique about them. It is such a shame because the biggest quality that we have as humans is our individuality. However, this makes me feel proud of myself since there are these 'mere' people and there is this 'one and only' me.

    You have already read how good of a girl I am in others' eyes, so you can figure out how innocent you really are. ;)
    Others know about us only as much as we show them. There aren't a lot of persons who bother with understanding the 'real' us.

    It also makes me laugh when the pea brains (the lowly can't have bigger brains, right?) plot schemes like the ones you mentioned because life is in itself the biggest challenge. We don't need to inflict any misery on anyone. It will happen eventually.

    I too feel that if I make an effort being friends with someone, then that person should do the same. But I reckon that it is too much to ask in this day and age. You get points on your 'usefulness' and nothing else. I have shifted my focus. Friends, peers, partners...that's not all there is to the world. There's a lot going on. When I see the broader picture, I realize how small we are in our thinking. There are sufferings and all we do is sit and worry about our perfectly normal life. Isn't that silly?

    Now that's a really long comment. You don't mind, right? :D
    Anyways, all the best for your exams (although, you don't need it). ;)
    I have the same views as you when it comes to these exams. Only life tells whether we passed or not.

    Have a great day! ^.^

    1. Thanks so much for such a lovely comment! ^_^ I absolutely love long comments ;)
      I was nodding vigorously all through your comment, you're so right. I'm glad our thoughts resonate so much. Individuality, being true, friendships, expectations, everything. I. Agree. :)

      About the broader picture and sufferings, precisely. That's one reason I totally go for reading books when I'm not feeling good. They make you realize the world is huge and what you face is just a minuscule fraction of everything that's possible.

      Thanks for this. :D I hope you stick around ;)

  5. Hola Ashna :) I love this simple-honest-innocent attitude of yours. You are different and you appreciate it. It's good you know yourself so well. Having things clear makes it a bit more easier to get through. And yes, I totally agree with you on the whole- I don't understand people's actions and words. Sometimes, I don't either. I don't get what they say or why they say it. Why is it that some people are so insensitive or cruel or unappreciative... It's then when I think that the best thing to do, is to ignore. We, the over-thinkers are a bit too hard on ourselves :P Let go, is the philosophy I'm going with ;)

    Okhayyy, I think all that I wrote is gibberish or something :P
    Anyways, this was a good read. Take care and all the best for your mid sem :)

    1. Let go. Sounds good to me. If you'd believe it, this is exactly what I realized today. When you don't like something and you're not going to do anything about it, there's no point in feeling bad about it. Just let go.

      It's not gibberish. I like it :D Thanks so much for your wishes and for the lovely comment! :)

  6. I always love your these type candid, free-flowing posts. And this was another of those posts where I could relate to a lot of stuff.

    You know, I've seen people who believe and some who even publicly state or proclaim that to live happily in this world, you have to be smart and cunning and that you'll have to manipulate things in your favour or this world would have no place for you and you'll be left behind in the race to be successful or some other contorted notion that they have.

    The thing is, you and me and many others very well know that they are simply wrong. We can try to tell them this, maybe they'll understand but most probably they won't. So, we can't do much more then, and just accept that there will always be people who think that way and who'll cross our ways and since we can't stoop to their level(as you said), we'll just have to keep our dignity and move on.

    Ahh, I think that was a little too much gyan, but since I am so awesome and gyaani, I believe I can be let off easily with such preachy lines once in a while. ;)

    Again, I loved it. Please keep posts like these flowing this way. :D

    P.S: I think I know exactly which book you're talking about when you say contemporary trash... ;)

    1. Oh I love gyaan. Considering how little I know, I'm always game for a dose of ultimate gyaan, so keep it up ;)

      That is what a lot of people say, right. And if I'm not finding it practical, they'd say I'm such a dreamer. Whatever, I'm just going to focus on doing whatever feels right and good to me.

      These days I've become a weekend person, meaning someone who lives only during the weekends (Sundays, actually). I'm hoping to write more tomorrow or the day after.

      PS- You do? ;) Tell me which one. Not here, of course :P


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