The anatomy of fear

A big portion of our life is spent dealing with this thing called fear. More often than not, fear comes in disguise. We don't realise it's essentially 'fear' we are facing. Sometimes it really annoys me when I'm sitting and just not feeling good. There seems to be no valid reason for it. I am a girl who goes by logic. I have everything I could need in life. There are always more aspirations, of course, but I don't crave them as such. Then why can't my heart be light and happy? What is it that draws me under, for no apparent reason? I was sitting and staring at my bookshelf, thinking about this, when I saw this book called Mastermind--How to Think Like Sherlock Holmes. I've always loved the way Holmes can sit and THINK logically and know answers to the most baffling questions. Could I solve this riddle in my life in the same way?

Turns out that even if you cannot 'solve' such questions, you can surely find yourself introspecting and having certain realisations that can help you understand it better. It's like the way it happens when you're feeling sick--unless you KNOW what's the cause of your illness, you'll keep getting paranoid and feeling worse. Knowing the cause immediately makes you feel a whole lot better, because you then know what to do about it. Knowing, understanding, is key.

I had also come across an article that talked about why our generation is generally more unhappy--the expectations we have from ourselves, drawn from the expectations our previous generation has from us, are way higher than what the current state of the world can afford. The world is changing too fast--and we're stuck with expectations that arose decades ago. We can't keep up with them. This, however, is a generation-wide case. What can be done is to KNOW that this is a problem and find your own ways of dealing with it.

So, what IS fear? What is it that makes us afraid of facing our fear? Here are some definitions I realised can be termed as our fears:

1. That feeling when you realise you might not fulfill a loved one's expectations. Or your own, for that matter.

2. Fear is not a 'pre' concept. You can feel fear for a situation that has already passed. You either did not feel it at that time or the intensity of other emotions was more than fear. This happened with me and adventure rides. I'd always been keen on rides that made you turn upside down, go full speed in dark tunnels, or make you enter creepy passageways, but later on when I stand and look at other people on those rides, I am fearful, a good number of what-ifs running through my mind, making my heart beat faster with anxiety. I'm scared of it all--AFTERWARDS. 

There have been other similar feelings--looking at the vulnerability of college-going kids sitting around the metro stations and realising you survived it all. That split-second shudder you get when you think about how you were lucky enough to have it smooth.

3. Fear is uncertainty. That feeling when a loved one doesn't pick your call(s); when you wait for a result; when you bite your nails thinking about a future event; when your heart beats rapidly before you have to address someone; when you want to know what the other person is thinking but you're afraid to ask. 

I feared this stream until I stepped into it

4. Fear is intuition's enemy. Fear likes to creep in silently or to surprise us, but our intuition warns us beforehand. 

5. Fear feeds on pessimism. Fear captures our mind when it's busy with what-ifs and have-nots. 

6. Fear lives in the mind. A child is fearless because she/he cannot differentiate between the dangerous and the safe. A child's mind has no compartments for fear to hide in. We are fearful of situations that have never happened, and that is where fear wins. It makes us keep thinking of something we don't want till we end up suffering from that very thing. 

7. Fear is ruthless. You can't plead with it to stop; you can't ask it to come later. 

 Well, I'm still a long way away from being like Holmes, but at least I managed to dissect the idea of fear to be able to better understand it (and write a post about it, which matters SO MUCH). Apart from this, there are some genuine reasons too (such as the pollution and stress and population and politics and whatever else we're surrounded with), but I still don't know why, even when you know the reasons, you can't shake off the anxious beating of your heart. My heart, for one, never ever listens to my brain's instructions. It's a spoilt brat that way.

Can you relate with this post? What do you think fear is? 

#17: No regrets?

What does it mean,
To live life with no regrets?

Is it, to do all the things you think of doing, or think you want to do,
Making someone who doesn't have your spirit
(but is just as human and normal),
Feel spiritless, and think the idea radical?

Is it, to show the others, that you have done
All you could; you have made mistakes
You're proud of... So what if someone else
Has been hurt? An action you think you won't regret
Is all it takes.

But tell me, wouldn't it be terrifying to live through,
Each thing you thought you wanted to do,
In the name of 'no regrets'?

Tell me, what exactly would you accomplish?
A sense of liberation from 'what-ifs', you say,
And I understand that. I would feel it too.
I would want to feel it.

But tell me, do you ever consider if you would really
Feel not regretful? Are you sure you wouldn't? For anything at all?
Wouldn't you, maybe, think, "I tried... but perhaps I shouldn't have"?

I would. Even though I would want to do certain things,
Some that I crave for, some that make me look cool, while some on whims, 
I would if I know it wouldn't hurt, 
I would if it would make someone (especially me) happy,
I would do everything thinking it would always be a lesson,

Still, I would not do most of them in the name of 'no regrets'.
I would first make sure I understand all that's at stake.
 
Because even if I don't regret, I would feel awful because of their consequence(s),
And living happily is more important than no regrets,
And no, they are sometimes, for some people, not mutually exhaustive.
If you want to live a life of no regrets, first prepare yourself for it.

Not to sound mean, but what if you drown?
You would first analyse the risks, right? Great. Go ahead! :D
Pic src: felixcastroblog.com

*** 

These days I look forward to writing something for the day, and most often it is a random thought, among the many, that gets picked up just as randomly as it came. Somewhat bored at work, I doodled 'no regrets' in my notepad, and I have no idea where it came from. Then in the next few minutes, draft 1 of this piece above was born, converted into draft 2 during the next boredom break!

I'm not sure if I can call these pieces poems anymore. Weren't they all supposed to rhyme at least somewhere? I'm currently reading a book on poetry called No Matter The Wreckage by Sarah Kay, and I suppose my subconscious is pretty much influenced! It doesn't take into account whether or not I'm liking the writing style. 

When were you last... ?

When were you last so blissful that no woe could fade away your smile?

When were you last so hardy that no defect could stop that walk of an extra mile?

When were you last so tranquil that no devil could take away your serenity?

When were you last so verbose that no duster could take you to brevity?

You don’t remember, do you?

I’ll tell you.

You were last all those things when you were a child.

But you would remember:

When you were so furious you wanted to make them vanish into nothingness.

When you were so afraid you believed you were really defenseless.

When you were so envious you made your own and others’ lives hell.

When you were so heartbroken you lost awareness of when the tears fell.

You remembered, didn’t you?

Because now you’re an adult.

Now don't feel hopeless. You will remember some day, maybe even be.

Till then, like this stick in the dark, smile and try to be happy.

You shouldn't always be 'cool with everything'. Here's why...

There are some things that sometimes make me feel guilty. Getting annoyed at something/someone, not feeling quite satisfied with life, finding people in the metro annoying, feeling dizzy looking at newspaper headlines, or news shows that talk about a monkey saving another monkey as headline news. These are recent. Since childhood, I've accumulated quite a lot of similar stories where I was made to feel, and now I automatically feel, guilty about feeling annoyed/irritated/angry/sad at anything I feel is not quite right. It's a reason deep rooted. We're supposed to be good kids and not shout or crib a lot. Of course we should! That's what kids are supposed to actually do. Because when they don't, they keep it inside and start hating everything that's related to the thing they weren't allowed to sulk over. 

Now in this age and time, despite the fact that it feels sickening, we've seen the relative and even absolute importance of being online. That inevitably led to a shift in thoughts - for the good and for the bad. We're exposed to almost everything that happens in the world, yet we don't feel strongly for any one thing. We have all the information that was never there before, yet we cannot make sense of some sensitive topics. We cannot argue with maniacs who've taken over the social media to spread hate messages, because they're beyond control and influencing other maniacs too. And most of all, we cannot express how annoying all this, because we're supposed to 'just chill' and 'be cool with everything.'

Fine, you're propagating peace. No one is allowed to argue or point out the negatives, but why should the world get away with doing something so stupid? We should start speaking up. Not on blogs, not on social media, and certainly not in the form of protests. Don't feel bad about stopping someone from doing something silly just because you don't want to hurt their feelings or spoiling their time after a long day. Speak up even when someone silences you with a 'chill dude' when you protest against a racist remark. Point out when someone in a group cracks a rude joke. Would you rather feel terrible about the kind of people you hang out with, or tell them somehow that they're wrong? Tell them if what they said is wrong. Stop 'chilling'. It's not helping. Neither you, nor the world. You don't feel at peace anyway. You just think you're feeling cool because you fool yourself into believing so.

Taking yet another helping of a large scoop of chocolate ice-cream because the host is forcing you, letting your classmates make you stay for an hour longer because they're still working, letting go of a prejudiced remark because it didn't seem too offensive at the time, laughing at stupid WhatsApp videos people keep sending, looking at people sneaking peeks at other people's cell phones in the metro, a neighbour's pet dog roaming freely around because they say it's harmless - all these have personally been things I've felt guilty about. Not just about letting all that happen, but also about feeling not-so-cool about it. That's the level of stress expectations can have. Why can't I say if I find something wrong? I'm terrified of dogs, so even if he's a harmless half-lion, I will feel bad if you tell me that I'm wrong to say it's not right to leave it out like that. It makes me cringe when people talk in terms of caste and social status about anyone, and then describing them, so I will tell you that you need to shut up. It's not just about how "I" feel, but about right and wrong. This chalta hai attitude is wrong. Nahi chalta aise. 

When you get into the chalta hai attitude, you forget your limits. You cross an invisible line and become one of those who know no better than to just have 'fun' and live for themselves. You show others that it is okay to deviate, to accept what they might feel is wrong, to become 'cool'. 

Src: pinterest

Of course I don't mean you should always be on edge and snap at everything that ticks you off. Sometimes you just cannot point out things directly. Sometimes it's not required. But we need to be aware of what we're doing, what we're saying and how we say it. It's important to know what you think! Most of the times, we're not thinking for ourselves, but simply repeating what others are saying, or worse, what the majority is saying. Take a break, sit back and just think. How do you feel? What makes you feel bad? How can you make a difference? It's not all that difficult, really. You affect the people around you. Stop doing things that you think are wrong. That's it. It's not difficult. When people would see that you don't participate in anything you don't like, they're going to actually feel inspired. Even if they criticize you on your face, they're wondering how you do it. Some might even say that they admire your stand. And if you feel that it'll be difficult, look around. There are always heroes somewhere; someone who's quietly living the way you should. Approach them for help, they'll never refuse. 

So the next time you're tempted to laugh at a sexist joke, stop yourself and tell the person that it's not funny. You should not feel guilty about doing what is right. Never, ever.  

The stuff we learn...

You know how it feels when you think you're more mature than you ever were, and you think back to the past and want to kick yourself because what you thought/did/talked about was so stupid? I think this feeling is a constant, as we continue to change each day. I was (kind of still am) a believer in the permanence of things, but I suppose it's a silly thought. Even if you manage to preserve something for centuries (ancient stuff found in museums or even mummies), they're not the same as they were. We change, things change, and in the process, if you're receptive, you'll learn to be at peace with it and even enjoy it. The past few days, I've been thinking about the stuff I used to get so worked up about and wished I hadn't wasted time on it. But then, how was I supposed to know unless I've 'been-there-done-that'? This thought is a consolation, and particularly now, I feel lighter than ever, having made conscious choices and decisions and realizing what suits me best.

It's been hard, because I've felt like I belonged someplace else, ever since I was small. Be it any institution - school, coaching centers, colleges - there's always been this feeling of temporariness. 'I'll leave this place soon. Let me make the most of it and ignore the hurt that comes. I'll be free soon.' I'm not sure what to make of it, but I have no complaints. I've always been a happy kid. Delighted, even. Getting upset at things normal kids get used to get upset at. Till then of course, I hadn't experienced sadness or tragedy, but whatever. The point is, it has been now, when I finally feel free to make my life as I want, that I feel truly liberated. And light. And very much normal. Looking back, it's worth noting how, when we're bound to a place or situation, we want to make the most of it and form relationships around. Of course, each experience feels great, even exhilarating because that's how it felt right at that time, but it's an entirely different feeling to feel liberated from all of those, to feel the relief that you're not bound, or expected to do a certain thing. Maybe in some people's perspective, you still are, but you don't feel it that way. Or perhaps it's about priorities. I feel I'm beyond trying to be nice just to be nice, to go out of my way just because it's expected of me, to do what is supposedly right but doesn't feel right. Barring a few close people (family and friends), I'm not bound to anybody. Even those few people don't make me feel 'bound'; just feel-goody connected. It may feel like I'm stating the obvious, but if you've been through this transition stage, you'd know what I mean. We think we always know it, but we don't. Not really.

Pic credit: Google

What I feel suits me well:

1. Keeping true to myself and to the rest: Pretense is just not my thing. Having been in places and situations where I definitely had to pretend to feel good when I certainly wasn't, I had started feeling that maybe I did actually feel happy, and was scared to think of the opposite. But now when I'm free from them, I do realize I was internally, miserable. I couldn't pretend, really. Did I make many friends? No. Did I manage to heavily applaud someone on an achievement when I hadn't really felt like it? No. Will I try to befriend someone just because it 'should' be done? Most probably not. If I don't want to talk you, I wouldn't. Just don't expect me to make small talk or whatever just because it should be done. There are no 'should's. In the same beat, I can't force myself to talk nicely or however is expected if I don't feel like it. I can't just pretend.

2. Always having something to work on: Staying idle is a nightmare. So is non-clarity of how I perceive my present and future. I want to know everything that matters. It's difficult to stay idle even day-to-day. I sometimes feel irritated when someone says they're getting bored. More often than not, they'd complain that they're getting bored, as if it's our job to keep them entertained. I used to feel guilty whenever someone in my company said they're bored. Bullies and stupid kids in school called me a bore, whereas I hardly ever get bored myself, even in the most yawn-inducing lectures or situations. Mind it people, it's not other people, but your own capacity and mind that makes you feel bored. It's your own outlook and what you choose to feel.

In a larger perspective, I always need a larger goal, whatever it is, so I can stop feeling idle and work towards attaining something. Of course, nothingness has its own charm, but it works for a little while. Getting one of the top ranks, or crossing a particular score as my personal best, finishing formal education with as little pain as possible (I've hated most of my formal education years. However much you try to improve the universities, it won't make much difference if you don't start improving the early schooling years), getting into the publishing industry because working anywhere else seemed like a nightmare and incredibly terrifying. Of course, you don't always achieve what you set out for, but knowing what you're working for gives an immense amount of satisfaction and higher chances of succeeding. Sometimes you may end up worse, but mostly you'd end up much better than what you thought. Like I luckily did. Most people don't get it; why I'm happily settling for something so different from my peers, or from what is the norm, and I don't feel obligated to even attempt to explain why. But now that I've been where I wanted to be, I need a new goal, however small it might be.

3. I can't write, for long, for other people: I've attempted being a part of some webzines, but in most of them, we're required to write on specific topics or by fixed deadlines and I realized I just couldn't manage that. I'm having to ghostwrite a bit even now, and although I've learned quite a lot from it, it's not something I can manage for long. I am a firm believer in writing as an art; it's not something mechanical. Plus, good writing is always in which the author truly believes, not what he should be writing because that's what people want. People don't actually know what they want, like how Steve Jobs proved it. I'd happily write what I believe in, even if I have a minuscule readership. In this industry, I've unfortunately observed how sometimes people write just for the perks of being an author. There's no morality involved, no love for writing, no consideration for what's being put out in the market, in the hands of people. I don't care if anyone calls me old-school or whatever, but I strongly believe in the power of good books and good writing (like many others before, please don't ask me to define 'good'. You know it as well as I do) and it's important to see what you're putting inside other people's minds. Books have a power to influence and it's a responsible job to be an author. I'm not against entertainment, but I'm definitely against mindless production and consumption of entertainment.

4. I have a thing for not following strict schedules and deadlines: I think my fetish for having it all planned in advance is just so I can break/bend the rules. If I do it on impulse, I'd feel totally 'unplanned', and that's not a good feeling, but if I'd do just a little part of the whole on impulse or in a sudden mood swing when I'd planned something different, it'd feel like an adventure. It's the same with deadlines, although I try very hard not to break those deadlines, but when it comes to setting them up, I'm known to have accepted quite unrealistic ones. Like right now. I'm seriously supposed to be working continuously and that is how I'd be able to reach the deadline with completed work, but I just cannot get myself to work. It's not that I have an aversion to dates; in this case it's the work. I'm certain that if it's something I don't like, no one, absolutely no one can get me to do it. :| However, I do feel the need to become more organized. I have a tendency to take work home, and then I can't give in to those bursts of want when there's a book I want to read instead.
     

Just the thing we need to do

5. I'm independent and I want to stay that way: I don't even want to be dependent on anyone about how I feel, not even a friend or someone in the family. This doesn't mean I don't want to consider them at all, but I'm not particularly inclined towards having people tell me how I should feel. Like that one time a well-meaning friend was adamant that there's something wrong in my life and I can't see it. I know you mean well, but I feel alright and you don't know as much about my life as I do. I've had bad moments, but I'm an optimistic person. I neither have the inclination, nor the energy to feel negative for long. There's a lot I have to do in my life, and I can't let small things matter so much that it takes all my focus. I want to have a fantastic career, in the sense that I do what I enjoy, to the best of my capacity and in a way that benefits others. I want to travel a lot, and document it all and use it well. I want to laugh and make people laugh. I want to enjoy all sorts of adventure sports and meet new people from different places. I do not want to look at anyone and get a stereotyped thought. So yes, you need to know that I wouldn't give it a lot of thought as long as I'm happy.  

6. Not trying too hard to be unique or make a mark: I used to spend time thinking about creative ways to make my blogs and posts different and interesting. It was definitely fun then, and maybe when I feel like it again, it would be nice, but it's a free feeling to know that I don't really want to do all that. I believe that being ordinary is so rare that it is actually what extraordinary is. I want to stop being so dependent on social media to feel knowledgeable, when all I actually end up reading is stuff I won't remember or have much use for. It feels like an illusion. I want to spend time talking to people in real, to go out in the evenings and enjoy good weather with those I love. I want to stop worrying about things that don't matter and how I feel left out or backward when I don't know the Facebook latest and all those silly things. I guess I've started feeling that way already. I'm light, free and I intend to stay that way.  

Now. Now is the time when I should seriously get back to work. Praying that I manage to complete it well on time! Please pray for me and shower some motivation, people! I so so so need it right now!

PS- “There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson 
I read this just now, after having posted this post. I feel somewhat relieved with this!

What happened to my love for TFIOS...

*TFIOS - The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

I believe myself to be one of those cranky people who're obsessed with everything absolutely original and genuine. I don't like spoofs, or fan-fiction, or technology that quickens the age-old techniques that made people patient. There's evidence in the way people behave, about how mindless use of everything that we feel makes our lives easier is only making us lazy, unkind, liars and generating such needs we never knew we had. I miss the time I did not have a smartphone, which was only a year ago, yet it seems like ages. It's only a small device, yet it brought so many changes that makes me feel like I've spent a lifetime doing nothing important. It's a difficult realization, because the convenience it gives is too much to let go, so that if you want to reduce the wasteful time, you've got to know how you can avoid it, and work on the way you've figured out.

Anyway, why do I always divert from the essence of the post I'm supposed to write? Back to TFIOS. I don't even like short-forms. I started using TFIOS for The Fault in Our Stars since it became all too common, and I hate myself for succumbing to it. I remember the first year of book blogging. It was the most enriching, lovely and transforming phase in my life when it came to books. I had found a way to express my love for books, share my thoughts, and interact with people who shared the same love. I was one of the few Indian bloggers who had pure, bookish blogs and I was proud. I learned A LOT. I read a lot. And then the phenomenon of book blogging became popular, or I reached my saturation, or there were just too many fellow Indians blogging about the kind of books I hated, that I simply stopped hopping onto other blogs unless they really intrigued me.

During that period when I used to get all excited by the new releases and read lots of YA, The Fault in Our Stars by John Green got amazing reviews. I was naturally entranced by it, although owing to my natural aversion to anything popular, it was a long time before I actually got down to reading it. Just like most of the world, I loved it. I loved it even though it was somewhat a love story (which I find difficult to read), even though it defied all rules of a 'good book' in my criteria. I loved the smartness of Hazel and Augustus's talks, I loved the places they visited and I loved the sadness in it. I was so used to (and preferring) happy endings in novels that I was surprised to find one that wasn't happy, or necessarily hopeful, yet I had loved reading it. I was sure I'd re-read the book a lot many times later on. 

My reader-blogger friends read it as well, and we discussed the book. Looking back, I now feel probably that love was only a phase. Probably. Because then we got news that it was being made into a movie, and were we excited! I was ecstatic. That was still the time when I enjoyed movies from book adaptations. With feelings of anticipation, I watched the trailer, and was immediately disappointed. Now, I don't have any issues with any actor, or people who made the movie or people who're watching and loving it. It's entirely a personal thing. I felt it was too much like a love story, and thinking that movies are commercial and would be molded to fit the audience's interest did nothing to make me feel better about the movie. My reaction at first was, 'This is not the Hazel I imagined. We made plans to watch the movie anyway, but got busy. I was somewhat relieved. I didn't want to watch it anymore. 

The original love spitter-spattered. :|
Pic src: Google images

While the movie was being made and before any visual came out, I was still in awe of the story. I saw a girl in the metro wearing converse shoes themed The Fault in Our Stars blue, with the white clouds and "Okay, Okay" written on them. She told me her friend had made those for her. I admired those shoes and the girl and her friend all the way. I gushed about Gus with a friend for months, and then it all suddenly stopped. I am not sure why, but I partly feel it's because it got too popular, and all sorts of people were seen with that book in the metro. Although I was glad that at least people are reading something good instead of those crappy novels I usually see as popular metro reads, but The Fault in Our Stars then became TFIOS. Everyone knew about it, everyone loved it. Even the wrong sort.

A group of friends(?) planned to watch the movie, knowing, (or most probably not knowing) how much I had loved the book, conveniently forgot including me in their plan to watch it. In all probabilities, I'd have refused, and it most certainly did not matter then, but maybe it did, just a little (that's why it occurred to me to write it here, didn't it?). It made me go away from TFIOS all the more, because I realized that everyone was watching it. Everyone was aware of the story I once read so carefully, tucked into the covers and marking the beautifully written phrases. It ceased to be special, or at least as special as some other stories are. I still haven't brought myself to re-read it, or watch the movie. Probably I won't for a long long time. 

It's a strange obsession, I tell you. One of my closest friends once remarked how I might be missing out on good stories this way; not reading or watching something just because it's popular, or worse, all the people I don't like are gushing about it (read Game of Thrones). I agree, but I know I'll eventually get to those stories sometime. Later on when people have forgotten about it, perhaps. Or maybe I'd make some exceptions that don't even make you feel like you're one of the many, like Harry Potter. It's not easy, especially not in my now-adopted profession, because I'd need to read as many popular things as I can get my hands on. But essentially, my nature stays the same: I want all the amazing books to be read and loved, but I don't know how, because when they do get popular, I sometimes feel uneasy, like a special part of myself has been opened and taken by random strangers. 

***

Hiya peepul! I haven't re-read this post, but if it came out as gloomy or whatever, please don't take it like that. I'm totally cool, like always. *_* I've missed posting on my blog for so long! *wails like a banshee* I've promised a friend I'd put up a tutorial for making papier mache objects, but it's still not written. Will do that next, in all probabilities! What's been up with you guys? :D        

Got skin problems? Don't worry, these angels will help you out!

Heya people! I'm a happy person today. Say yay! :D

Anyway, this post is about something else. Having come across so many people in my life who're so caring and concerned, I thought they deserve a special-mention-post on my lovely, adorable, beautiful, esteemed blog. Once you've read through, I'm sure you'd feel the same. I'm also thinking of making some pretty Thank You cards and keeping them handy. These people turn up so randomly that I'm unable to properly tell them how grateful I am to have them in my life. Seriously, if not for their concern, I wouldn't even know what is really wrong with me!

It started way back in early 2000s when I, like every other single person on the planet, hit puberty and was greeted with an onslaught of ugly pimples, a subtle and more 'medicated' word for which is 'acne'. The kid in me didn't realize what a horrifying thing it was to have, especially since I'm an Indian girl who'd get older soon and then no one would agree to marry me because my face wasn't "clear". (Just a note: I'm NOT talking about or pointing towards my parents and immediate family for their genuine concern. Obviously they'd help me have normal skin).

If those annoying kiddies in school weren't enough, always pointing those out and talking about them as if my awesome life depended on it, there were millions more of those who seemed to be worried about them too. I couldn't grasp it. I felt shy and didn't feel like going out if there was another breakout. And I'm so thankful to all of those who focused on telling it to my face what a problem it is, because y'know, they saved me from more such stupid people whom I'd have met had I been more social. 

Before I create separate categories of people and incidents to thank them one by one, I'd tell you what the "genuine" problem is. You know, I asked God to let me have the kind of skin that likes to get oily, pimply and enjoys random breakouts. But those fat beasts weren't enough, so I also asked for special permission to have blackheads too. And just in case I manage to lose them, I asked for scars left by those vanishing beasts so there's always proof that my skin is special. Turns out I made a wrong wish! Goodness, I really had no idea. Thanks people for letting me know!

1. The rishtedaars. Right from your dad's siblings to your grandparents' cousins' grandkids, from the weekly-visiting aunts to the oh-I-saw-you-for-the-first-time relative, every person, after the usual happy greeting, makes me even more happy by commenting on how my forehead is a lot more clear but my cheeks need care. Had it not been for them, I wouldn't have known about how multaani mitti would help (and realize to my dismay that I'm allergic to it. Bah). I also would have no idea about different kinds of fruits and their application on the skin (eww?). Really, I so look forward to every gathering so I can have a free check up on how I'm doing skin-wise. *_*

2. The doctors. Not talking about the poor skin specialists (every one of whom I've been to once in my life. Those in Delhi, I mean), but those lucky ones whom I visit for other normal-human-medical issues. You know, they're so smart and concerned for their patients that apart from treating me for the stomach pain I have, they also diagnose my skin problem and suggest medicines for it. Or even better, since their knowledge in the field might be fairly limited, they refer me to their skin-specialist friends who'd be able to treat me better. It feels so good! Getting a double diagnosis when you went for one. Thanks doc!

3. The maids. Now, what kind of a family with working parents wouldn't love these people, who're truly a blessing for our households. The icing on the cake is when apart from making our homes shiny and bright, they also are a great resource for home remedies. While scrubbing the floors when they look up and see you calmly reading a book, they'd want to scrub off those scars on your face too. Since they realize it'd be rude, they come up with weird sounding names for your skin problem, and suggest gharelu ilaaj, assuring you how those would take all the gandagi away. Such dedicated cleaners.

4. The uncle-who-met-in-the-park-after-years. This one is exciting, since I was already so excited to have been able to get up early in the morning (for a change) and going to the huge park where we used to frequent as kids, especially during the holidays. So you can imagine the level of my excitement when I saw an uncle who lives in our old neighbourhood, and whom we called 'Ball uncle' because he used to roll up socks into balls whenever he came to our place and we would play Catch-em-catch with those. Here's how it went:

Dad: "Goodmorning bhaisahab! Kya haal hain?"

Uncle: "Goodmorning! Bas badhiya. Walk shalk, eh? To me: Kaise ho beta? Padhai theek chal rahi hai?

Me: "Haanji uncle, all good." *smiling*

Dad: "Ya aajkal subah time hota hai, thandi hawayen khayi jayen.."

Uncle: *looks at me* "Haan aur kya. Subah fresh air me walk karne se ye sab daag gayab ho jayenge. Keep it up!"

See? For no reason, without even asking, he made me aware of the benefits of a good walk and fresh air and how those would eventually help me get better.

5. The mom's-friend-who-comes-home. She's amazing. She sees me so many days and yet makes it a point to make me see where I'm going wrong. Having come back home after a long, grueling day, I change into casuals, wash my face and go to mom's room to show her something new I got. Now this lady is so thoughtful about my "problem" that it's the first thing she notices and comments on even before uttering a 'Hello'.

She: "Ashna ye aapke face pe ye theek kyu nai ho rahe?" *in her naturally high pitched, over-confident voice*

Me: "Err.. I dunno. And I'm tired. I really don't care."

She: "Paani piya karo khoob saara.. Jitna peete ho usse bhi zyada. Ye sab nishaan chale jayenge. Maano meri baat."

Me: "Okay."

She: "Sayi me. Isse better kuch nai hai."

Me: "Uh uh" *goes out*

I'm sorry miss, I had a feeling I was kind of rude to you, not listening properly. I'd wait for you next time when I'm sure you'd be considerate enough to help me again. :)

6. The classmates-who-meet-after-a-long-time. Although some of them are kind of uncaring, because they don't usually comment, but some of the better ones would tell me if the scars are less or more compared to the last time we met. Not counting the best friends to whom I myself put this question, I'm lucky to have some truly caring friends, who love to try helping me on their own. They'd scold me playfully, ask me to meet a certain doctor, give me tips, and make me imagine a bright future.You know, studying together really gels us together. :')

I'm sure I'm missing out some more special categories. Apologies to those who feel left-out, but worry not, I have you in my mind. :)

You know the kind of people I feel sorry for? Those strangers who randomly come across and compliment me on my hair and ask the kind of oil and shampoo I use. Or those friends who always have a ready compliment whenever there's a new picture or when we meet. They don't know what they're missing! Can't they SEE? They ought to help me out with the bigger problem!  

***

PS- I actually appreciate concern and would be happy to get useful tips, but always talking about them every time you see me and making it a hot topic all the time would take you further from me. If the sight of it hurts you, close your eyes and go talk to someone else. I have better people to talk to.

PPS- What I have isn't even such a huge problem. Stop pestering me about it. 

PPPS- The first PPPS on my blog, here I am, the way I am. The way I love myself. I'm much bigger than what's pestering my skin. If it is a problem to you, go close your eyes and stare at supermodels on screens. Have fun! :D

Unedited pictures.
Go comment all you want, like I care. O:)

When will you know what's for you?

Strange things happen to people, and we've all got our own ways of dealing with them. Some of us are so used to perfection and clarity that a little deviation from that state creates anxiety. I'm one of those, horrible at 'adjusting' to new situations and people. I have a feeling this weird 'characteristic' leads me into strange situations, more than any other thing.

How and when do you really know when something is just right for you? Something so amazing might come your way and with the initial inhibitions, you might even do it reasonably well, but you're never happy or comfortable about it, sometimes without reason. And when you do know the reason, it sounds so lame to you that you can't even manage to tell anyone, because you'd be in for a lecture that begins with 'don't be such a fool!'

You might even be having an internal monologue that goes like this:

What if I want to take chances? What if something reasonably amazing on the surface is with me, but I just don't feel I'd like it? God forbid, what if it even leads me to believe that I'd never be as good as the rest? I think I'd know what isn't for me when it comes, but then, I'm too worried thinking about how it makes me look, rather than how it makes me feel. And ever since I did try focusing on accepting only that which made me happy, I've been looked at like a non-achiever and someone who makes silly decisions. 

So what if I'm having trouble figuring it out? I'm not used to it and it'll take time. Why will it be so wrong even if I make a mistake? Maybe the timing isn't right. It would have been a lot better if maybe it came at a later stage in life. Right now, it's not possible for me to handle it. It makes me shrink, it makes me nervous and I just don't want it. 

After spending days worrying and nights nightmare-ing about something you shouldn't even be stressing SO much about, you start feeling more hopeful. But that hope will die. Family would help you, friends would and sometimes even strangers might make you feel better, but you'll go back to your own head in the end and in all likelihood if you want to remain sane, you'd listen to your heart and not what would be considered 'an immense opportunity'. 

Well, I'm willing to not do something because the truth is, I'm scared. And I don't want to fight. It should be okay to give in sometimes, just for the sake of your mental state. If I'm okay with being a Kindergarten kid sometimes, it should really be okay. I'll take it up happily when I know it is for me. Right now, it just isn't.

PS- Why do I always find myself in the weirdest, awkwardest situations??? You guys wouldn't believe what's going on if I told you (that's just exactly why I'm not :P )

How not to be taken for a ride..

Don't think literally, though. Because if the ride's a convertible and the driver is friendly, I'd suggest you jump at the opportunity! But I'm talking metaphorically today, so what I mean to say is, you cannot and should not do anything that doesn't make you happy (parental rules excluded), especially if it's something "for" other people. In our world, particularly where I live, we have this "tradition" of treating people lower to us in power like muck. I'm sure you'd have been a victim of such power play at least once in your lifetime, just a handful of times if you're lucky. 

You might not be verbose in your demeanour, but don't let that seem like you're easy to fool. There will be many who, in the name of 'professionalism' would look at material benefits rather than human emotions and preferences. It's not entirely the fault of such people, sometimes it's just the way they've seen the world around them go and they genuinely believe that it's the only, and the right way. However, it's important to know that there do exist people who've the capability and inner will to look beyond the "only" way. A normal person might not like how he is treated, but he'd take it as it is because it's the only way he's known. A learned, strong person would have a belief, he would feel empowered from within, not caring about the usual, "what would people say?" and behave in the way he feels comfortable.

You've got to respect yourself and the first and most important way to do that is to believe in your own self. Most of the people who are easy to take for a ride, to be taken for granted are not aware of their own power, or their rights. Just because they're not used to thinking about it. Spend time knowing yourself better, be aware of your capabilities and limitations. Know what you're not comfortable with and never, ever settle for anything you don't want. 

Be firm. If you believe what you're doing/saying/standing for is right, don't lose your stance. There will be many who'd try to influence you, but you've got to stay put. And really, the so-called "consequences" are just petty and small in the long run and would in no way affect your happiness, or the lack of it. Someone got upset because you said "no"? It's their problem. They lack understanding and have higher expectations than necessary. Stop worrying about it, because there would be ten more people who're constantly worried about saying 'no' to something and they will definitely look up to you and take inspiration. Be a motivator. Be strong.

Src: wikihow.com

I've previously also mentioned how I feel we are experts at complicating our lives, just because we worry too much about other people and their feelings and their reactions (a note to my friends: yeah I know, this is such a hypocritical statement :P). How about for a change, you think about your feelings first? Only the dumb ones would be hurt by your decisions and you'd do better to be in smart, strong company. It's not as difficult as it's made out to be. Because it always takes time. Things seem complicated because they tend to extend over a period of time and we lack the faith for things to turn out okay. Looking back and connecting the dots, we realize how simple it really was. But well, it's human to feel like that. It's okay. Just accept it as a phase and live it through. Why get over-stressed about it?

Another important thing to remember is to always speak up. If you feel something's wrong, say it. If you keep mum about it, they're going to shower their injustice again. Better to tell them they're wrong. If they accept it, that's an awesome job done. If they don't, it's good that you're out of their system. Be glad about it. This reminds me of the song Brave by Sara Barielles. Listen to it if you haven't. :)

Being with yourself, spending a little time suspended, away from noise would give you a sense of being. It's really peaceful, if not important to experience. It gives you perspective. If you are at terms with your own self, it becomes easier for others to interpret you to some extent and considering how dynamic human nature is, that does mean a lot. Keep smiling, look at your family pictures from years before your birth, make plans for how you'd want your future to be and work on self-improvement. Be driven and motivated. Help those who aren't as strong willed or able as you are. Stop worrying about people because like someone said, they're all going to die. You would too, so live well. 

***

That's all for the gyaan. I know I've been AWOL from this precious place, even though I had been dying to update y'all. I'm DONE with my Masters! Yoo Hoo! Five straight years in college. Can you believe that? Now all I've got to do is settle for something "I" like. It'll take some time, but I'd do it. At least I know what I'm looking for. I'm on a restful break right now, trying to recuperate recover from the college shock life. :P So far I've mostly slept, seen myself getting fat(ter), read some, reviewed some, caught up with family and relatives, cooked a dish for the first time (which surprisingly, turned out awesome *_* ) and re-made plans and ideas about what I want to do now. 

Apart from the boring, serious things, I wish to learn painting, convert that huge cardboard box that I've been saving in G's room since forever, into a storage area for books, get back to creative photography, spending time experimenting with new techniques and use the tools I have to their optimum! There's so much to do! I never say my life's easy. If you've been a regular reader, you'd know it's been anything but easy. But still, I always want to go back somewhere (in my case, this blog being one of such places) where I am reminded of my own self, where I remember who I am and how I should be feeling great. I think everyone should have something that makes them smile and remember, something that inspires them. I hope you've found something like that. :)

PS- Just by the way, I "kinda" have an idea for a TT post. Be ready for next Thursdayyy! ;)

   

Just how random could you be?

Dear God,

Will you please make me feel calm, free and stable "from inside"? I know I'd feel that way when I know what's bothering me. I mean, fine. I do know some of the reasons, and I feel sad that I can't do much about them, because they just can't be helped. How can you deal with grief over missing your loved ones? Time heals, bas. I just am grateful for friends who help.

OK thanks. *End of letter*

I decided just a few moments ago, for the millionth time, that since I've tried many other things to try being happy, I should use the 'write-humor-just-like-you-used-to' technique. Again. I've tried and failed because it seems I can't really write "that way" unless I'm feeling really awesome, which was a feeling so full in me until a couple of years ago. I mean, have you guys even read my previous posts? I feel awesome just reading them over and over, trying to find The Lost Girl! 

Anyway, what am I supposed to even write on? I'm so not into planned posts right now (which, believe me, I have planned). *Thinking, thinking* Did I mention that time when I did not even recognize Scoot? o.O It was late evening and I was, like usual, in a rush to get home (I so dislike outdoors in Delhi, alone, after dark). I sped towards the purple scooty, put in the key in the compartment lock and twisted it. It didn't budge. I tried again and again, getting anxious, thinking someone messed with Scoot! But just then I peeped at the number plate. OOPS! Not daring to look anywhere else, ignoring the random uncle who had apparently witnessed the scene and was suspiciously looking at me (seriously. Can't an innocent-looking- and even otherwise innocent- girl make a small mistake?), went ahead to look for the real Scoot! 

Then two days ago when I made my much-awaited visit to the New Delhi World Book Fair, which by the way, was not even close to how awesome I had imagined it would be (what is wrong with the world?), the day started with a classy katta. I picked up a new pair of sandals that day, one of which snapped as soon as I reached the metro station and then I had to drag myself all the way, asking my friends to accompany me to a metro station outside of which I knew a cobbler to be. -_- 

Although, I'm happy with the books I got. I've started looking for fun, different and rare kind of books at such events. One, you can anyway buy the usual books from anywhere else, what's so special about getting them from a book fair? Just like last time, my *ahem* expert eyes found some beautiful hardbacks at a cool bargain (though I regret not getting more such books, but still!). One of them is pretty cool, a purple book on Wizardology! Talks about different wizards and their characteristics and details. It even has a set of 24 cards to play with. Merlin's Beard! :D Then there's another one that I got just for the sake of remembering my childhood, a huge book called Dr. Seuss's Bedtime stories. Another book I'm excited about getting is Frankenstein, which I'd wanted to read ever since I read The Lost Girl.

Wizardology!

God, it's so easy to talk about books! What would I even do in life without them? :| Okay. According to this year's reading goals, I'm supposed to read 5 books a month. January was awesome. I've read just 2 in Feb and it's almost over. Anyone recommend me some short and awesome books? 

There's hardly been anything new in life so far. College's about to end, I haven't even applied anywhere for a job yet (I just want to stay at home for a while and read. Take a break. What's wrong with that? -_-) and I'm just waiting for that carefree, liberating feeling I so want to have asap! Meanwhile, anyone know this song called Chasing the Sun by Sara Bareilles? It's naaice!! *_*

*Today*
I feel weirdly excited. There isn't much to be excited about, but I still do. Good thing? Madness thing? o.O
Anyway, since I don't have a lot to talk about, but I have to write-anything-because-I-feel-that-urge, so I'll tell you about this latest interest I, and a couple more blogger friends have developed. We've been intrigued by MOOCs (Massive Open Online Courses) and I've tried a couple of them. First off, they're interesting becasuseeee you seem to find a course on such a wide range of topics that you feel so free to think that you could actually take some course, online, on any subject you wish to study, and maybe get a certificate of participation too! "Maybe" because not all of them offer it. And you got to earn them by submitting assessments on time. :P

The first one I did was called 'Introduction to Guitar' offered by Berklee College of Music, which as you may know, is one of the top universities of music. Sadly, I had to leave the course in between because one, my guitar (which hadn't been used since the past three years, ever since it entered our household) struck up a problem in the form of horribly tuned strings, and something most probably broke but I didn't have the time to get it repaired or checked (Hail MBA!) and two, I missed a couple of assignment deadlines, and the motivation was lost. :|

But then a friend made me look up a course called 'The Future of Storytelling' and really, it seemed so interesting and the fact that two of my friends too had enrolled themselves in it, I ended up going through the course, in due time, and successfully completed it too! :D This one was from the University of Potsdam, Germany. The one we're presently pursuing is called 'Introduction to Philosophy' and I just wanted something interesting to do, for the time I get in between the MBA respite, to have something that would give me interesting things to think about, make me learn things I did not know already and give me ideas. ;) I'm kind of lagging behind right now, but I'm definitely going to make up for it and complete it well within the stipulated time. :)

OK. I should probably sleep. Maybe I'd get such dreams that would give me something interesting to write on, a dream more elaborate than the one I had this morning where I went to a wedding with my family and Salman Khan was there. o.O The only reference to Salman Khan all day yesterday was about how hard he laughed when he was at Comedy Nights with Kapil. I mean, I don't even like Salman Khan. And it was kind of evident in the dream too, since I at first, mocked the people who were crowding around him but in the end when I thought, 'Okay, maybe I should anyway get a photo clicked with him since he's here,' I couldn't. -_- I'm destined for kattas even in dreams.

Hopefully, I'd be back with interesting updates! Or a new story! :)

PS- Someone train me on Title-keeping? The post's title gives off a connotation that doesn't even relate with what I've written. Yes, I'm hudd sleepy right now, but steeeel!