2016 Recap; Hello 2017!

Another year gone, seemingly in the blink of an eye (why o why? Take it slow, life!), and all I can think is, "THIS was the year of absolute changes and it's incredible how I've come to accept and embrace it." You know how I would always state that I don't really like changes, but then comes a time in life when you are so severely tested that it finally dawns upon your scorched soul that changes can be for the better and it'd be wise to enjoy life the way it is. No whining.

I'll be frank. I did whine. A lot. 2016 brought with it tons of mind-boggling situations, major decision-making, super annoyances BUT with the grace of the almighty (and my restored faith in Him) the year ended quite pleasantly. Here's a summary of 2016 (including resonant answers to deep questions):

2016 brought me to the edge. It was scary but the view was exciting.

January 2016--March 2016

1. Reminiscing the past by re-reading Harry Potter! I ended up reading just the first four books, after which life happened I realised we need to work to survive.

Lesson learned: Work is important, but not important enough to discontinue reading Harry Potter! Nothing ever is.

2. Feeling inhibitions that my three-month old workplace isn't ideal. The feeling quickly escalated and I began a job search in the same industry (aka publishing aka the home for my beloved books). Lesson learned: Listen to your heart and begin looking for a job right when you feel it! The process takes ages and you might end up losing your sanity if you aren't quick enough. I saved mine, thank goodness!

Is this what I came for? Err...

3. Travelling to Jaipur with a couple of girl-friends just to chill and relax. Experienced life in Zostel, roamed around the city markets, visited historical forts and acted like typical tourists. #itwasfun

Lesson learned: Trips with friends always equal jannat.

4. Securing a freelance work op with a biggie publisher. Hi-5! The best two months of my work life (after which... erm... please don't ask. Kbye.)

Lesson learned: Don't judge yourself based on others' opinion of you. Also, good times don't last. But again, it's all for the best!

*sigh* Good days!

April 2016--June 2016

1. The family trip to Australiaaa. Those days I felt like I knew what it means to be truly happy--it was such an amazing trip! You can read about it in the previous post.

Lesson learned: The frog needs to get out of the well more often.

Because the world can be fun!

2. Hard luck and illness can strike anyone, even a 5yo barely two months into school. My beautiful nephew was diagnosed with cancer. We did some fundraising to help the family cover treatment costs. It was an overwhelming experience for us all as we saw people from all walks of life come forward to help.

Lesson learned: You can never know beforehand who's going to be your support in times of trouble. Be grateful for everything.

Update: His initial phase of chemo is almost at a close, and he seems to be doing well. Much love and appreciation for everyone's help. :')
You can follow his story on this Facebook page.

July 2016--September 2016

1. Desperation at the job front, looking at other industries and failing classically. Realising that successes are hard to get, and keeping one's will power in check requires every ounce of effort one can muster.

Lesson learned: Keep going. Be visibly appreciative of family and friends who stick with you even when they suffer the effects of your mood swings.

October 2016--December 2016

1. Incessant prayers worked their magic and I got just the very thing I wanted. It also feels quite exciting, so yay!

Lesson learned: Feel free to weave your dreams, but always go with the flow. Every experience gives lasting value and shapes your mind, psychology and behaviour. Be open and accepting, and before you know, you'll get what's best for you. And you'll know it when you see it!

If only I looked just as cute!

I recently came across these lines by the philosopher Socrates, which resonated with me instantly:  “If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”

2. Friendships have incredible power. Those who believe in you when you yourself don't, those who "make the effort" to help ease things for you, they're the ones to hug tight!
Lesson learned: More often than not, you wouldn't see it when you're low, because it's extremely trying to think of anything but your helplessness, but every once in a while when the depressing feeling passes, you'll see the depths of your friendships (or the extreme shallowness of some, for that matter). When you see it, you'll work at becoming a better friend yourself.

~ ~ ~

Matters of interest

1. I'm a lot more confident now, thanks to the tough situations I faced this year. I also met new people and it was fantastic!

2. I realised that hard work pays. You just have to stay cool, calm and confident, and believe you're going to win. That way, even if you lose, you still feel like a winner--rejuvenated and energized to start all over again or to look for alternatives, both of which are equally important.

3. Life is finite and too short to

- worry over materialistic gains

- overthink about what someone said to you out of ignorance or spite

- not enjoy each day

- spend time eating junk food
- think about people

Always!

4. Sometimes you are just not the same you as before. It can be a painful transition, knowing you don't feel like doing the things you liked doing, but at some point of time comes the ultimate relief--an inner acceptance of things that doesn't burden you with guilt or regret. It's pure evolution when you look at life from the other end of the kaleidoscope and find the view just as mesmerizing.

That's a lot about 2016 (not by my standards, and you know it. But I gotta think about you too), so let's move on to the much-sought-after things in 2017! Woohoo!

#1: The new job! I'm nervous and excited and it feels like I'm being given a second life. Thank you, dear God. I'll make you proud.

#2: My girl-best friend's wedding!!!! OMG I never before knew weddings could be so exciting! #funahead

Gonna be like this :P

#3: Becoming a kickass book blogger (I'll be here too, my pet). I will admit--I sucked at blogging in 2016 and I'm not even using the but-my-brain-was-dead-with-other-things excuse. I didn't even read 50 books (I think. I need to check Goodreads right away! Ohman. I read 39 books, the lowest in five years! I know, I know. I had decided not to go with numbers but you can't help taking a peek every month or so, especially when you have been overachieving your goals for years. I'm gonna make up for it this year. I mean, I MISS BOOKS! It's weird--the one whole year I worked in publishing, I read the least number of books. #thissucks) 

Anyway, this means I'm gonna be on the lookout for the latest books AND find my way to them AND devour them like a hungry bookworm AND post amazing reviews on my blog here (Subscribe if you haven't. I promise you won't regret it.) I might get into bookstagram too. You never know. (But you'll know if I do, because if you read this, you're bound to follow my bookstagram (which is instagramming about books)). Naturally I'll be into photography as well.

#4: Read more (as mentioned in #3) and read DIVERSE. Ugh, just read!!! I don't even like myself when I haven't read enough.

#5: Learn other language(s): Includes Punjabi (which I should have by this time), Spanish (which I should have remembered, having learned it for two years), French (just 'cuz I wanna. Also 'cuz I make insane goals).

#6: Learn about make-up and hairstyling: I'll do this at a very basic level, but I'll do it! Why? (And YOU, the friend, stop looking at me like that.) Because I'm a girl and a grown-up and I still don't know about these two essential things. I mean, why look average when you can look excellent?

#7: Don't waste time thinking about or because of people. Just do your own thing because your time is the most important thing--why not spend it in a useful activity?

#8: Keep the phone/computer away before bedtime. It's not only harmful but I haven't read a book at bedtime the ENTIRE year because of these two addictions. In fact, this reminds me, I haven't recharged my poor Kindle for two whole months! #stopthisatrocitynow

I wanttt!

#9: Say it. A lot of things go unspoken just because I'm confused about the other person's mindset (which is a rarity, because generally I know it by instinct, so people who confuse me also interest me greatly!). Therefore, to save myself the pain of overthinking, I will just be upfront and ask what the matter is! 

#10: Be chill. Enjoy life. Spend time with friends. Laugh more often (this is a need because I've had people tell me I don't smile enough and it feels so weird because... I don't know. I'm happy but it doesn't show on my face for some reason? Of course people aren't like people at home who can crack me up in a second, and they know my laugh is no less than a full-blown guffaw.) Anyway, laugh when someone cracks a joke. :P

#11: Learn more about Sikhism and teach you peoples about it too. I've done some reading and listening in 2016 and it has made me feel ever so lucky to have been born in this community, and it inspires me to live up to the name and do what we're supposed to do as Sikhs (be charitable, be kind, be truthful, be strong and fight for rights, to begin with). Also, today celebrates 350th birth anniversary of the tenth guru, Guru Gobind Singh Ji, also founder of the Khalsa and the one who instructed Sikhs to follow the Guru Granth Sahib Ji as the Guru to know about God and ways to live life. A powerful warrior and spiritual leader, Guru Gobind Singh Ji inspires us even today. I'd recommend this 43 minute documentary on his life: Life of Guru Gobind Singh Ji.

That's a lot to remember for a year, so I'll stop at that. I'm just happy 2016 is over and the new year comes with new promises and I am in a mindset to enjoy it, which is so awesome. Yay! How did 2016 treat you guys? Any resolutions for 2017?

The truth about good things

We all want good things to happen to us, whatever those might be -- a job we want, approval for a trip with friends, windfall gains from random lotteries, a great offer to buy a house or a car or anything else. We want all these things despite everything, even despite the fact that we don't want to work hard for them. Giving up is easy, taking alternatives is easy, sitting back and waiting does the job just as well. We wish and wish for good things but we are also always riddled with doubts and what-ifs. If there's something I've learned about good things, it's this:

1. Good things come to those who wait

There's no better way to get and enjoy the good things in life than to wait for it. Patience pays is a popular phrase. (Gee, that rhymes!) I believe there is a time and moment for everything, even when we absolutely hate not getting things just when we want them. There's a whole system of things created by nature (or God) and, perhaps you won't realize it but, what you receive after a long wait is always worth it. It's better for you. Therefore, if you feel restless about not getting the job you want (like I have been feeling since months, hence, lack of posts here), all you have to do is to close your eyes, breathe deeply, feel grateful for what you have, look at its positives, and keep striving to do your best. Never lose hope. Good things come in good time. 

2. Good things are related to 'time'

Carrying on the last point, good things usually come at just the right time. They may take ages or come sooner than expected; whatever is happening right now is the perfect thing for the present time. You are learning to not only control your anger/irritability issues while not getting your dream job, but also realizing the realities of life and how to deal with those. While you are always hopeful that your dream life is possible, you will realize that it takes a great deal of bravery and relentless work to get it. Good things will come in due course, though being optimistic about it will hasten things, so stay positive!

3. Good things cannot be stolen

When they've come to you, nothing in the world can take them away, except time. I know some people who refrain from sharing good news, perhaps imagining that someone will steal it from them! My dears, that is just not possible. Good things can only be shared and multiplied, not divided. If you have a certain advantage, you have it. Period. Don't be scared of having that taken away from you. Unless it is an Apple device you carelessly leave lying around. 

4. Good things might come in disguise...

... so that you don't even realize that what is happening is a good (or great) thing! They're not always obvious, apparent or even feel goody; they sometimes come nicely wrapped in layers of packaging, but you will realize them when they do their work (that is, help you get something great!). Maybe not getting through one of the big companies was actually a good thing and not the end of the world as you saw it (OK, I should stop making indirect references to myself). But really, things, even though they may not seem like good things, sometimes are actually good. 

5. Good things can happen suddenly!

Sometimes you receive a surprise in the form of something amazing that's happened to you when you were least expecting it. These are the ones that make you believe in miracles! :D

Are you wondering why I wrote this post? Did you notice how I haven't posted anything for such a long time? (If not, bleh. If yes, know that it is your love and interest that I really appreciate ^_^ Thank you!)

Anyway, the answer is that I had been facing one of the worst possible times (even though you might think I made it worse by overthinking, but I really couldn't help it). It was just emotionally draining as I was filled with insecurity and uncertainty of the highest order: the kind where nothing anyone says seems to make you feel optimistic unless some 'good thing' happens. Even reading did not appeal to me, so you can guess how weird it made me feel. I am thankful to family and those friends who supported me despite my apparent lack of regard for their words, who believed in me when I didn't. 

Thankfully, patience (even though it was forced and suffocating) finally paid off! The good things began pouring in one by one, and I am grateful to everyone, including God, who made it happen. First, I went on an all-girls' trip with my college friends, a first for all of us! The mere idea of it was exciting, as none of us had travelled without an elder person or a large group. A few days before the scheduled trip, I faced a major setback in the form of a rejection letter, and it left me numb and sad, especially as I was expecting an acceptance (so much so that I'd even given the good news to people!) It's weird, but I was the only one who spent the entire trip without feeling pissed off at anyone or anything! Sure, we enjoyed a lot, but I realized that I had, finally, matured. ^_^ 

There were four of us. We had planned a three-day trip to Mussoorie, the lovely hill station above Dehradun. I had only been there once, many years ago, when I was an awkward teenager and all I remembered about the trip was killing exotic insects in the summer house we were staying in, getting bitten by a Scorpion plant, walking a steep slope to get water, and lots of stomach cramps. This time it was as if I'd never been there before! We checked in a heritage hotel where we got a free upgrade to the deluxe quarter!! We spent our two days exploring the Mall Road right above the hotel, eating from popular eateries, dancing and gossiping and playing cards in the comfortable room, and of course, clicking awesomesauce pictures.

Passing through low clouds :D

Beautiful flowers overlooking the Dehradun valley

Look at the view *_*

The hotel overlooked Dehradun valley and the views were spectacular. The pleasantly cold weather (the November in Delhi kind) was a big plus in keeping us upbeat. Decidedly, the best part of the trip for me was getting a chance to meet the fabled writer of the hills, Mr Ruskin Bond!! Oh God, it was one of the best things I've experienced, even though I totally sucked at interacting with him. I asked no smart questions that I usually do with authors (probably because I was still in that bad phase mode, but still!!), only smiled and spoke a few words in greeting and got my copies signed. Ruskin Bond is precisely how I'd heard he is. 

LOOK WHO MET RUSKIN BOND!! *_*

A jovial-looking man of eighty, he arrived at Cambridge Book Depot a little after 3.30 PM on Saturday, smiling at everyone he passed. There was a long line of people waiting to see him, the best of whom were little children reciting poems to their parents for practice. I got really lucky when he arrived just as I was making payment for a book, and standing right next to his seat. He greeted everyone as he entered the small shop, including me (YAY!), and sat down, commenting on the line of people waiting to see him. I've met some authors at book signings, and found all of them quite humble and sweet. Mr Bond was the best of all! He accepted all forms of gifts (including poems and stories written by kids), and joked and talked with all his fans as they stepped up to meet him one by one. If you've read his books, you'd know the kind of person he would be, and when you see the soft and kind-looking face, all you feel like doing is smiling and making a witty joke (which, most probably, would not occur to you at that moment). One of my great friends, P, took a great picture of me with Mr Ruskin Bond, and I am forever grateful to her for gifting me this proof. I also apologize for not taking as great a picture of her as she did for me. 

The trip was a success. We'll plan another one soon! ;) The next good thing that seems like a disguise was a job offer from a place I wasn't much preferring, but talking to a few people cleared my head and now I feel great about it. I have an opportunity to work for my dreams, and if it seems difficult, that's all the better, as I would be motivated to work even harder. A couple more things on the family front turned awesome, and I am glad about it all. I only hope that the good thing in disguise really becomes good and the positives outweigh the negatives. 

A big YAY to new beginnings, everyday happiness, love in the form of friends and family, and feeling well enough to write a blog post! I've realized that I'm one of those people who write more and better when they're happy rather than when they're sad. Goodness, I just cannot write a word when I'm sad. (So if you see that I haven't posted for a long while, be good and ask me if all's well!)

Until next time! 

Love and best wishes

I don't know why I'm writing this. I should SERIOUSLY be working right now!

What's up with the loooong titles I have these days? I mean, have I become so lazy that I wouldn't even want to wait a few seconds to think of a creative, short-yet-meaningful title? Oh wait, yes I have. :| Not that I care much, because this is one of those times when I seriously cannot stop typing. I just need to. Like, "need" to. Even though I also desperately "need" to shut down all these tabs and work, because it is nearing midnight and I have to actually "go" to work tomorrow. But anyway, blogging rules! So yeah, I'll sacrifice some sleep, which in itself is a huge feat, so you can guess how important would be the work I have (yet I prefer to blog), and slog some time working after I'm done with this post.

But wait. What am I even saying? I need to write something that makes sense! You know, even though this, what I'm doing right now is perilous, I'm glad I'm insane enough to do it. I mean, I was so bored not being the old me, even though the new me is nicer and kinder and what-not, but it gives a good feeling to go back to idiocy sometimes. The first line in my last post stated how happy I am these days, which is true for the most part. Oh wait, *optimism insertion* *re-quote* Which is so much true! And believe me, it's not because I suddenly found something awesome, even though I did, but that was because I started on a conscious quest to leave out negativity and get to awesomeness in life. Following really simple things works wonders! *_*

Anyway, awesomesauciness news? Most of my usual worries lately revolve(d) around the job-search process, mostly because we're surrounded by so many expectations and people and crazy-pots, that it does become hard to focus on your own self. But if you really want something, you have to stick to your own ideas, come-what-may. People don't really matter. I know it is easy for me to say so, because even I believe I got lucky, but there's no harm hoping for awesome things, right? :) Cutting a long story short, my status from a berozgaar MBA shifted to Assistant Editor at an Indian publishing house. :D I mean!! These guys actually gave me an opportunity to get straight to book editing. *feels forever abhaari*

Even though I'm new in the process, I'm sure I'd get to learn so much! And I can hardly feel the weirdness of not really, formally using my MBA degree right now. I won't say I don't mind it either, but that is a very tiny fraction of it, and things we learn in business schools are far beyond formal work. Those are things that make you a better professional and a better worker, both of which would be used in any kind of job I perform. And I got to do something so close to my heart, what else could I have asked for? :') EEPS! :D

Before this awesomeness happened to me, I was thinking of making a Job Search Diary series on this blog, talking about the job-search process, the funny and the silly, the preparing for interviews, the encounters with (trust me) really weird specimens, how you think and how it actually turns out, yada yada. I dropped the idea when I was no longer welli, but I guess I can still do it. After all, there would be stuff to report even when I'm working, right? I'd just hope my employers won't read those posts! Not that I'd have anything bad to report, but still. :P What do you think? O:)

Alright penguin! Going, going!
Pic credit: Somewhere from Google!

Now. I should seriously get back to work. Or else either this penguin will eat me up - and I'd be found in this mug in the morning - or I'd have to lose my precious sleep, which makes me a *very* dangerous person to mess with. Ciao!  

What I now know...

... and maybe I already did, but you can only learn without experience up to a limit. Then you're faced with different situations and you realize and accept things much better than how you did before. It's just that age thing, isn't it? Some things you just understand when it's 'time'. When I started writing on this blog, I was an energetic, excited, protected, fun-loving, eager-to-participate kind of a girl, fresh into college, wondering why one of my closest college friends didn't seem too happy, or as excited as I was about college. She said she didn't like the 'people' and the negatives emanating from them drained her. She even went on to say that "I" am the reason she's able to stay. I don't know if she would read this, but I have to say that it is now that I understand how she felt. I loved that college, more than what I showed and maybe it's because the present one makes me feel like the way she felt back then. I know now. I also know, or let's say, I understand these as well:

1. You know how there are some people who're kind of dominating? The ones who suck out your energy because the way they look at you contrasts with what they speak, and it's unnerving. Sometimes they're just mean, the bad thing being they don't realize it and the worst of it being when they do know it, yet they'd still deliberately make someone feel bad about themselves, or not participate in their happiness, or visibly show they don't like them. This scared me at first, wondering what kind of a conscience they might have. Do they even have it? Why isn't it capable of killing them from the inside? And I know it doesn't, because they continue living in their self-created high bubble, among other similar meanies who know nothing better than to simply follow the leader, because they forgot they have their own brains. Well done, meanies. Now I just feel sorry for you, for the immense lack of understanding about people and emotions you have, because you're just so self-centered. 

They make others feel like this sometimes. :|

2. Victims of such psychological bullying may experience a shift in their personality, not necessarily a happy shift, and one which involves them losing their confidence, interests in activities they liked, hatred for people, a reluctance to talk to new people. They lose friends because meanies, making full use of the 'smart' tactics and the fact that people are vulnerable when tensed and are totally fickle minded, are able to successfully bad-mouth those who're totally unaware of it. The even smarter ones might not bad-mouth them, but would anyway make the rest feel someone else is just not good, or right, or nice enough. Another thing I noticed was how your behaviour towards a certain person can shift dramatically because someone close to you shifts their behaviour too. 

Meaning, you make the rest into meanies too. BAD influence.

Consider this example: I've always seen my parents being 'nice' to people. Never a rude word or impoliteness. I was scolded when I even said, "I hate.. so and so". Mom practically got a shock, saying how you can't really "hate" someone, it is such a wrong thing to do. I decided trying to work around it, to see only the good in people and I did succeed to some extent. Anyway, that's a different point. A few days ago I saw dad pass only a half-hearted smile to a neighbour, and even that shocked me because I always expected him to be nice. I asked, half-angrily why he didn't greet him properly and he said how he doesn't like their habit of always parking wrong, despite reminders. The point is, I don't like to see them being rude, I wonder how many times did their heart feel sad to see me talking like that. Now whenever I see that neighbour, despite trying to not think about it, I do get a glimpse of his personality clouded by the fact that he never listens to the parking problems. See? I don't even know his name and I'm judging him. See how meanies can affect someone's image in the same way? I understand now how this works.

3. There's this teacher we have, a visiting faculty, who intrigues me somehow with the simple, people-based things he talks about and makes those as the basis for teaching the otherwise mundane subjects. Once in a class he made a comment about mean people. Or those who dominate to work their way up, making others feel like hell in the process. He said they're actually quite insecure. And the way insecure people work is that they make others feel insecure about themselves and use it to feel better themselves. I've compared this statement with some meanies. With the recent inability/disinterest in talking at all, I've observed more than ever and it seems to be quite true. You see it in the way they'd look. 'Expressions' are called expressions for a reason. They tell you 90% of the things that are unspoken and also when what one says is conflicting with what they feel.

4. You behave differently in front of people you're not comfortable with and those with whom you gel well. I know, it's obvious, but there's more to it. You even behave differently with strangers when you're alone and when you're with someone you "have" to be with but you're not the buddy-buddy kind. They dominate you. Think about it. Imagine one person who may be in your college, a classmate you feel those negative vibes with, but you're just going somewhere work-related with them. You meet a stranger, maybe someone coming up to you to ask if you know the place they're looking for. If you'd been alone, you'd have felt more 'free' and like your own self and you'd have smiled wide and helped them. If you're with the meanie, you'd feel self-conscious because that's how pathetically they make you feel. You'd mumble something and look away as soon as the stranger left. 

There's this saying, 'people won't remember what you did for them, but they'll always remember how you made them feel'. I couldn't agree more, because you do remember. That's the way you remember people. Think about your school. You remember the bully with a frown because he made you feel bad back then, you remember your best friend with a smile, or even that sweet, helpful girl in class because she was always polite to you and made you feel respected. 

5. This is something that needs to go out as a message, because some people don't just realize it. It is **extremely** important to express your feelings or your thoughts when someone does something and is expecting it. People aren't telepathic, they won't know what you think unless you say it. Most of all when it is expected. *Biggest examples*: Go back to what you learned in Kindergarten. Say 'please', 'sorry' and 'thank you'. Often. USE these words to express your wish, your guilt, your gratitude. "Gratitude" is what you should feel, not jealousy or hatred. Someone passes you a water bottle, say Thankyou. You make someone wait for longer, say a Sorry and mean it! If you're asking someone to pick up your chai from the canteen, have the courtesy to ask with a Please, instead of ordering them around. People don't really mind doing these little things, but the way you say it makes a difference. I know it now.

Seriously.

Though I don't mean that you say it to make them happy and get the work done, not really meaning it yourself. Because there would be some people not giving a damn to someone's existence but would come running with fake puppy-pathetic faces asking for help with extended 'please's and 'thankyou's. Not cool. Not cool at all.

But I also know that the way to deal with meanies is to not give them any kind of satisfaction, or the illusion that they've succeeded. No matter what happens, you have to forget they made you feel bad, you have to get over it asap because it is only you who's going to get affected and learn to block them out as much as you can. You realize that some people are just not the effort, or your time. You may have still been kind and good, trying to make things better yourself, but sometimes it's just not worth it because some people aren't going to change. Those who do, well and good. But if they don't, learn to ignore (and this works best) and talk to those who make you feel better. Indulge in activities you liked, it may be harder but think about it: no one can make you lose interest in things you love. How can you let them? Be persistent, be focused, ignore the small talk, focus on the big picture and move on. Life is beautiful, cut the weeds out of it as frequently and clearly as possible. :) Keep smiling. :D

***

I hope you survived the emotional ride and made it here. I always focused on posting energetic, happy stuff on the blog, wanting to make this a place where people connect and feel good about themselves and their lives, just by knowing there's someone just like them out here, not afraid to talk about her life. I restricted myself from posting serious stuff like this, but then I really wanted to share these thoughts and since they're a part of me, the not-so-perfect life I have, it's just to say I'm just an ordinary person trying to lead a simple, ordinary life, which in itself is quite extraordinary these days, don't you think? ;) This too, is a part of me. :)

PS- I haven't been referring to anyone as such. Nor have I been the victim in all cases. This is the result of being quiet lately and observing more than ever. :D Agree on any of these?

When you know what it means to feel happy... :)

The past few days, weeks and unfortunately even months, I had kind of lost myself. It might not have been too visible, but I was completely going through a light internal struggle, a new me trying to permeate the transparent boundary surrounding my real self, the self that has always tried to fight the resisting forces, those that force you to believe or act in a certain way. I've always been kind of a rebel, so much so that even if there's a chance that I'd agree to something, I'd still first resist it a little. The thing is, I lowered my defenses and that was when the mean, external forces grabbed hold of me, seeped in through the loopholes and settled inside. I did not even quite know what had happened. There was a big change in the routine with the change in campus and with all the initial excitement, I was going through a million different emotions, unable to ascertain anything for sure, just swimming in them trying to stay afloat. 

Just in the past few days when I could reflect back, I realized how pointless it all is. I mean, getting up with a heavy head at 5.30 in the morning, assaulting the mobile phone and pressing snooze ten times, finally getting up, running out at 7.15 without breakfast (who gets hungry just as they get up?), catching breath only on boarding the metro, keeping a hand on the pocket to ensure the new mobile phone doesn't pop out with all the running (yes yes. I ditched my lovable Nokia for a smartphone. I'll make up a post soon), then Metro-ing, then choosing between walking to college or taking a rickshaw, enduring sleep-inducing classes and then drinking a thousand cups of tea with Parle-G biscuits to keep us awake (okay, it's only in the early mornings), then trying to avoid the monkeys in the evenings, who are so mean they'd drop right by your side unexpectedly and if you have an ice-cream in your hand, don't contest it, just drop it and move away! Reaching home at 7.30 and feeling absolutely dizzy and sleepy. Still staying awake to do some useless assignment where you don't even use your brain because by that time you aren't left with any energy to use your mental faculties, then after a little bit of socializing - or rather, talking to friends who help you survive the days - you drop dead asleep and then follow the same routine. Before you know, a month has passed you by and you're being faced with a week full of mid-sem exams (already!) and then there comes a point when you just don't want to give a damn! 

That's when something strikes and you remember your old self, your previous, uncaring and I-don't-give-a-damn self when you stopped all the things you had to do and just blogged randomly. *Takes a deep breath* That's how it is now. A yet-to-do assignment, three mid-sem tests in the week, presentations and all such useless stuff. I was motivated with the scholarship thingy, that you get a few thousand bucks per semester if you fall into the top six and having earned it twice, I turned greedy. But I realized, it's not worth it. My head hurts everyday, I'm more worried about the fact I'll forget every thing, I'll be useless even after MBA, than actually trying to learn and understand what is being taught. I'm sorry, I can't compromise on happiness and laughter because of this. I can still do well in life, thank you very much. 

It's been a couple of days that I've been feeling exceedingly light and happy, far more happy than I've been in ages. I've dropped the extra, redundant efforts put into college stuff, I've stopped caring about 'other' people, I've been sticking to my promises (mostly), trying to make people who matter to me, smile a little bit wider, I've met and laughed with friends who matter the most-est to me and it feels exceptionally good. I can't help smiling, or laughing at the tiniest things. I don't mind the slight backache when we randomly go to ride a kids' dragon ride and sitting there stuck because the seats are too small, because we're having crazy fun. I have very few close friends. I'm not much of a hey-you're-my-best-friend person. My best friends have all landed in my life from awesome planets from where they were sent to take care of an extremely adorable soul a.k.a. me :P You bet, they're so lucky they once cried, everyone all at once, just thinking about their awesome luck. Okay, I'll stop before I get murdered before even writing in my will where my books should go. Because you know, some of those best friends have got their eyes on my bookish treasures. -_-

Yeah so. One of these special people is about to start a new phase in life, for which we're all super excited of course and we met yesterday to celebrate it. Like one of us said afterwards, 'it was awesome. Happiness, emotions, fun, all rolled into one', which perfectly summarizes those moments. It was just like a closure on all the negativity. I don't just care. I'm cool with everything, I don't want to think about stuff that's tension-inducing. Mind you, you self-obsessed folks-who-can't-just-rest-until-the-world-listens-to-what-they-have-to-say, if you've read this and if you still try to create that pathetic environment around me once again, you're going to get a royal ignore plus a fall in any pinch of respect I've still got for you. I've bounced back to being myself. I think I've put back a stronger cover. You know how when in school, people ask what you want to be when you grow up and you say something that sounds really impressive. Even now when I'm told or suggested by well wishers, some avenues for a career where I can foray into, I'm not concerned about anything but the real 'job' I'd be doing. "What is the work?" is what matters to me. No one seems to get it, though.

Another thing I have always been clear about is that whatever I do, it should make me happy. Call it being self-centered or whatever. If I'm not happy with it, I'm not doing it. I'm not a person who can live with a sinking feeling all the time. I need boosting up, I need great friends for that, I need to feel happy and awesome and light from within. I'm not that strong when I've to deal with separations. I hate separations. If I've ever loved you in any way, I don't want to let go, not even temporarily. Permanence is a killer. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Call it a weakness or discuss it in an 'intra-personal process' class in psych, I don't care. That's how I am. I need happiness and after months of trying to understand what's being going on inside, I think I've found it. I've got amazing family, even extended ones. So welcoming and always loving. I've got some friends I can't think to part with. In a weird weird weird world if I could have my way, I would have set up a nice camp on a beautiful countryside, but with mountains in the distance and woods and streams flowing by, and living with all those I love. No matter who they are or where they've come from. I'm happy, everywhere I look, I see people smiling. The little kid in the park who says a high-pitched 'Hi', the person at the metro station you accidentally bumped into, smiling and nodding instead of staring daggers, feeling connected to everyone you see.... it's all a nice, warm feeling I never want to let go. No matter what you give me, dear life, I know what it is to be happy and I intend to keep it to myself. Forever. :D

A place like this? Super yes! :D :P

PS- Hiya! I've got loads to share. Hint hint: another metro diaries post too! :D How have you all been? :)

Thank you, 2012!

It's that time of the year when I tend to be the most excited, for maybe some totally weird reasons. You'd think the end of a whole year, meaning a year more towards doom or The End, should have me worried, but then again, why should it? It's the holidays, I'm free to get up at noon (yes, I do), sit under cosy blankets and just read till eternity, get excited at the prospect of wishing all those special people in my life a 'Happy New Year' with personalized messages, and feel amazed at the way the clock just strikes 12 and people go crazy! It's such a sweet feeling.

Now as the year's coming to a close, I'm thinking back to all that happened this year. One thing is definite, there's been more of the good and great stuff than the bad, unlike 2011 which was like, the suckiest year ever for me, if that's even a word (It isn't. At least according to autocorrect it isn't. But hey, according to autocorrect, even 'autocorrect' isn't a right word. Stupid technology). Anyway, here I am listing down all those things I'm grateful to 2012 for. Really. :')

1.  For finally granting me the fortune of living a life free of entrance exams and its useless worries! Okay, maybe not exactly, because I was still very much into these making-my-head-spin-like-crazy exams till the first 4 (or 5?) months, but still. Being accepted in a school for MBA, in Delhi, in a government university, was very much a reason to be happy and finally free. (That's a different matter altogether that college isn't really "free", but still. No more parental nagging!)

2. New college. I know I've been going on about how it's made my life so 'sucky', but not really. I mean, I am at least getting to learn new things which I didn't learn before, finally getting some real, practical education in a field I sometimes find boring, but still. I'm not going to say anything negative in these thank you notes. So, I'd be getting an education (and a nice one at that), new friends (read next point), new experiences and insights into wildly differing human behaviour (people who make it into the 'corporate'? They're weird as students)

3. New friends. Really, even though there might be total weirdos in my class (and yes, I don't feel like such a weirdo now. I've discovered more varieties), there actually are some "my" type of people! With one of them, it was 'friend-at-first-sight' kind of a situation, and I'm sure, she's going to be a friend forever. With the rest, it was gradual, but I'm totally glad to have them as friends. :D (To those whom I tease a lot, that's because you're liked, silly! ;))

4. The new 'me'. Not technically, because I'm still the same old me: the book nerd, slightly weird, dreamer, klutz, and whatnot. Still, I think with time and especially with this new college, I have slightly changed. Personality wise, I think. I'm not such a cry baby anymore (okay, I am a bit, but I should retain something of the past, no? Hold on to traditions and stuff!), I've learned to forgive (or call that 'don't-give-a-damn-to-what-you're-uttering' attitude), and even though I still get 'lost' while in class (and even in tests. Damn it!), I'm still able to recover quickly, because you know, of the fact that I despise being dependent on anyone and asking people to repeat stuff is something I myself don't enjoy! And I think my dressing sense as well, has improved :P 

5. Grateful to God for doing some wonderful stuff in my family! Thank you God for all that you've given. We're forever thankful, just need you to continue showering your blessings! :')

6. For books! I took up the Goodreads challenge, set a target of 50 books to read this year! Guess what, I'm at 58 right now ;) I don't know, books just sort of are a breathing mechanism for me. I just-cannot-stay-without-them. Can not! Tell you what, I read something like this somewhere and I wish: wanting to learn Braille just in case you go blind, so that you'll still be able to read books. It's not in an offensive way, but just a thought- how would you read if you can't see? Anyway, I got to read a lot of great books, learned a lot of stuff, saw my book blog grow into something people actually liked! Thank you, really! :D

7. For the Kindle! Oh you deserve a separate point, dear Kindle. Just to be clear, I'm not pro e-books as such and I just download the free e-books from Amazon. If I have to purchase, I'd rather go for a physical copy. I love the Kindle because it helps in light readings when I'm in no mood for something heavy, when it's just 'read-something-light-and-go-to-bed' sort of a feeling. And of course it's sometimes useful in a boring class, that little dear is just so easy to open and slide between the pages! ;)

Quite right!

8. For all those moments when I felt life is simply beautiful! It is, though, if you actually think about it. If you see what you want most of the time is just materialistic and honestly, it doesn't much matter. Remove that and you'll find everything beautiful! 

9. For all those times I was able to do just what I really wanted- read the books I'd been dying to read, go out and photograph just those things in just those places at just the right moments, just as I'd planned, to see some 'thought of' dreams taking shape for real. I've loved them all. :)

10. Birthday! It was awesome. Thanks all those who made it special! :)

11. Before actually typing all this, I asked Rachit and Usama for a few suggestions, meaning, what they think one should be grateful for. While Usama is busy cooking up schemes to overtake a couple of planets in a galaxy not yet discovered (you can mention those in the comments section!), Rachit mentioned these:

- Not Dying (yeah, turns out that 21 Dec 2012 was a hoax from the Mayans!)

- Meeting Rachit, Usama, Gunsheen, Ridhima (on my birthday. Yes, it was the awesome-est of all! :D )

- Not being in any relationship (uhh... okay. :P )

- Not mentionable. :P

I'm sure there would be a lot more I'm not writing at this moment. What do you think you've been grateful to 2102 for? Was it good, bad, or a mix?