Basically, what I understand is...

It’s kind of expected (by readers as well as the writers) to make a welcoming-of-the-new-year post, especially if they’ve been seeing it in the past, like in the case of this blog. I had it planned, but one thing that even my optimistic self would accept is that life is very very uncertain. However much you hate change, it is the only constant (that clichéd line again, yes) and you reach a point where you *finally* stop running away from it. It is never easy to embrace change. In fact, it is the hardest thing I find, something I hate doing, something that makes me fear that my whole life is on a change trajectory, something that makes me extremely uncomfortable only because I love my comfort zone. But anyway, I understand that when you try too much to escape, it only builds in magnitude and later comes crashing down on you. And then it hurts a lot. 

I understand that not everything will be perfect. You may want it to be, you may hate the imperfections, but it just isn’t “supposed” to be perfect, because then we wouldn’t have anything to work for and we’d stop being human.

Even if you’re an optimist with an ever-ready “it’s okay” at the tip of your tongue, there will be some problems to which you can’t reply with those words. You will yourself get into situations and feelings where these words would sound useless. And really, you just have to accept the fact that some things in life are just not okay and sometimes you just have to live with it. It can’t always be okay-ish and happy-ish, because some things would inevitably hurt, even if you’re an escapist or a protect-ist. This ridiculously pessimist-sounding stuff would catch up with you, no matter what.

Once an Indian, always an Indian. And always being plagued by some kinds of Indianness and mindset, no matter how you want it to be. Even if you run away to live in another country, you’d still be haunted by stupid things associated with being an Indian. Even if your whole family is awesome, you’d still have problems, because with Indians, you can’t be just “you”. You have to look at the whole society, culture, customs and all those things you actually respect, but they don’t necessarily return the favour. How dare you even think about just yourself? You have to live according to superficial rules, or else you’re a dark blot on the society and no one would ever love your family again. *Wishing she could have been a gareeb angrez instead*

Pic credit: Me

I understand that I won’t understand everything (even though I am quite amazing when it comes to understanding, but still) and it’s foolish to feel bad about not ‘getting it’. Also, I’m not a social being. I can focus on just a few people outside my own self at a given time, and trying to add more people into it just causes problems for me. As an experimental thing, I deactivated my Facebook account recently, just for a while, and although there isn’t enough evidence to prove it, I think there is somehow a correlation between my happy nature and switching that source of interaction off. For one, I can focus more on “my” things (reading, writing, thinking, crafting, talking to people who’re close to me). Secondly, I am not in contact with other people’s lives as much. Do I really need to know what 300 something of my FB friends are up to? I really don’t have that much of time. I used to scoff at those who deactivated accounts, but now? Not so much. I see how it can reduce the level of noise in your life. And sometimes, you just need silence.

I understand that I don’t have any ‘blog-obligations’. Y’know, like to make a New Year post (however much I had wanted to), making a certain number of posts a month, keeping away from openly writing about feelings, etc. In fact, when I read one of my favourite columnists, Natasha Badhwar, talking about writing about feelings and experiences and your own stories, I’m even more open to them! Consider this line that makes you go “Ohhh yess!!”

“The struggle to express is a struggle to heal”

I’ve been having trouble writing since the past few months, not because I suddenly don’t know how to write, but simply because I mostly write on stuff drawn from experience, and at that time, I didn’t quite know how to deal with myself, I was trying to heal and hence, struggling with expressing.

“The power to write your own story will come to you when you give up the fear that your truth will somehow hurt you”

Really. Why don’t we write about things that hurt us? What we learned from it, or rather, how much we hate it? Because we try to ignore the truth, we don’t acknowledge it, we turn into escapists. That is why.

And oh yes, I also understand how cool it is when you can get this idea from a cool friend to write posts in a font you prefer. ;) 

'Something'

This was supposed to be an awesome post, the kind you feel like writing when you haven't written anything in a long time and you feel like you owe your lovely blog at least one amazing piece of writing, especially as it's always been there for you for your random musings at random times and you seem to forget it when you get 'too busy'. This was supposed to be something mind-numbing, earth-shattering, maybe about something so amazing that it'd draw everyone on the planet to go read it, maybe it could have gone viral, or maybe not, but it was definitely supposed to be 'something'. I admit. I'm still at a loss. This has happened before, in a much milder intensity and I always blame no one but myself for the lack of 'putting down thoughts as well as they deserve to be put down'. I still wouldn't blame anything, even though I am very much tempted to put in 'college' as a major reason. It might be, but I just don't care. I've always been a silent rebel. You give me something that threatens the things I love, I would mentally block it all and never even think the way you want me to. This is why I always dismissed those ideas when other people said they're 'too busy with work' to do the things they like. I thought you could be forever busy and still do it. "I" was doing it, so it's possible. 

But maybe it didn't occur to me until it happened. What if the work or the mental pressure of the sheer amount of nonsense you're subjected to everyday, all things that go against what you as a person believe in, how much effort it takes on your part to grasp any bit of your own beliefs and yourself so that those external forces don't make you lose yourself, drains you of any energy you might have left. What if, despite the 'materialistic' things going right, a nice college and subjects you might find interesting, you still feel horrible dragging yourself everyday? Hoping you'd like the exchanges between people? I thought I could manage it well, but maybe I was wrong. I mean, it's okay. It isn't as horrible as it is for other people maybe, but I'm just looking at what "I" deserve and these nonsense feelings are certainly not part of the package. I'll always fight for what I deserve and what I like, however much these things try to change all that. What would happen at the most? I wouldn't write a nobel-winning piece, I wouldn't have many people commenting, I would lose out on a few readers.

Does that matter to me? At a deeper level, yes it does. I do want to write amazing stuff, things I actually have in me and I know I can. I do wish I get back those readers who said they love what I wrote here. I know no one's gone, really. I seemed to be absent myself. But then it shouldn't matter as much and maybe it does not. Maybe I am more materialistic than I thought, but not as much as I'm thinking, either. This is not 'blogging' for me, it's writing. And I can live with anything but not without this ability to put things down like this. If there's anything I would be willing to rigorously fight for, it's my reading and writing, for without these I'd lose myself. I don't know much about anything apart from these two. What would I be if I am not able to make myself happy with these as well? Nothing. My college degree would hold no value. It would be, in the Indian 'job market' for which you're trained since college, made into machines and made to believe how working nonstop and relentlessly can bring you 'success', but not for me.

So even if this isn't an insanely makes-you-hyperventilate-kind-of-awesome post, one that I was aiming at, it's okay. Because it's just me and this blog and friends who understand. I know I could write that kind of a thing and I'll do it sometime, maybe without even realizing it. But for now, this is really satisfying and I'm happy. Y'know, the reason I feel like it's okay is more so because I do have crore things to do and I'm leaving all that for this. Tee hee! 

A really common quote thanks to social networks,
but it's awesome and true! :)

***

I had to ask. Did you know that our brains are actually not built for multitasking? I started reading this book last night, called 'Mastermind: How to think like Sherlock Holmes' and the second page in the Prelude said this and I went all, "Oh My God! Really? WHY!" Because yes you guessed it, despite having read hundreds of texts, I did not know this thing that my friends seemed to know already o.O I mean, when was it when I was first told how we are "supposed" to multitask to be able to be more awesome? Class 11? Yeah maybe. Definitely in the first year of college and I even remember proudly telling my seniors how good I am at multitasking, during some dumb interview for a dumb college society I was really enthu about (told you, I was completely mental back then). The point is, if because of multitasking, quoting the book, "our memory decreases and our general well-being suffers a palpable hit", why are we told it's something we should be good at? Hello? 

Thank you Sherlock. Now I'm really going to
read your books that I've had since childhood :P

This is why I seriously love books! Because they tell me what is right! People these days, just. can't. be. trusted. I know, it's because that is what 'the market demands'. Fast life, quick decisions, faster profit making. Jeez. But whatever. After reading, books and writing, I'm in love with my brain. However clumsy it might make me, I still am overly protective of its abilities. And if in some real life job interview they ask me if I'm good at multitasking, I'm going to quote this fact to them. Did you know Sherlock Holmes was an awesome observer because of mindfulness? And not multitasking? This seems like just a small fact but I've been hyperventilating about it since last night! It's like those two sentences attacked what I had been thinking since the past *counts on fingers* 5 years. OMG! 

I had to tell. Not any secret, you looking-for-gossip people! I must have mentioned how I love Mint Lounge, the Saturday edition of the Mint newspaper? God, I don't even read the main paper all week, which I should, MBA and all. But anyway, Saturdays? I so look forward to them! It's not business-y or economic-y, but there are views on related things and non-related things, all of them awesome. I don't know. I don't read it all and some Saturdays I don't find much that I'd like to read, but it always gives me that ecstatic feeling. I especially love this column called 'My Daughter's Mum' by Natasha Badhwar. I am not a mom so technically I couldn't have been able to relate to the stories, but I always can. And more than that I always feel so warm and emotional while reading those, whatever aspect of family life she writes on. 

I mean, it's Monday today. I picked up the paper on Saturday evening, when I got home and kept it on my bed along with some books (that really have nowhere else to go. Someone please donate me a shelf?). It was there all Sunday, being shifted from one room to the next as I looked for an opportune moment to read it. It was back on the bed at night. It's underneath my laptop on the dining table right now, where I left Aakar Patel's article on 'Why everything is not the government's fault' mid-way because I got a call from a mast friend and then I felt like writing. I'm always reading it like this, keeping it for a comfortable time because I don't wish to be disturbed and feeling all breathless while reading it. It's just a paper and I wouldn't even remember most of it maybe, but that's just how it affects me. :')

I need your help. To whoever reached here, I'm working on a live project involving opening up of a campus bookstore in our campus. Like a Bond, I took up the responsibility of looking after the inventory. So you know, I'm supposed to think of what would the bookstore actually sell. Important work, you see? So you gotta help me because yessss, I am very close to the deadline, so close that I can't even tell or else you'd think how BIG a procrastinator someone can be. Just know that you're supposed to reply maximum by tomorrow. :P Hey, I have done my homework, I'm just looking for more suggestions. So you're supposed to do this: Imagine you're in college and there's a bookstore in the campus. What would you like the bookstore to have for you, apart from academic books? (Unfortunately, they have to be stocked :P ) Would you like the general kind of Fiction that's available in normal bookstores? Is there something special you'd like to have? Any sort of merchandise? I'm not asking you to think like a business person, okay? Just as a student, what do you think you'd like a campus bookstore to have? 

If someone is very much interested in helping, please email me! If you've got small ideas, please comment. I promise you awesome posts in the future! I do have a list of posts ready for writing, y'know? ;) Till then, hasta pronto! And "muchas gracias" in advance :P (I'm learning Spanish too, you know that. The teacher gave me an awesome idea of having a blog in Spanish. After once laughing it off, I did think, how awesome would that be? It's just the purrfect way to learn the language! :D )

That red monster...

... that no one wants in their life! That invisible beast which makes you a target, claws on your face, leaving scars and clutches your shoulders so tight, you get tears in your eyes. The beast called anger. 

This post isn't really about anything in particular, but an update on my not-so-great-life recently. I know I promised not to vent on this blog, that even got an award for its positivity (thank you Abinaya!), but I suppose it's okay sometimes. I actually have about 15 drafts posts, half written, most of which have been created in the past few days itself. Each day I get new topics to write about, I start writing but then get lost somewhere in between, the result of which is an empty blog filled with serious posts since the past few, well, posts. I still haven't started any Theandric Thursday story, I left a story I actually was writing, in between. I have the idea in mind, I created scenes today while in a boring class, I have those notes right in front of me, but I can't write. I'm supposedly, a new columnist at That's So Gloss (yeah, thanks. Click on the link to check it out), but I've just written one article till now, while I was supposed to have written at least three. I'm so dead. Even for those, I do have drafts! Why can't God just either, take it all away at once, or give me back everything? This "in between" thing is making me irritable, angry and so damn under-confident!

For a change, I actually have some amazing books with me, at home, paperbacks and hardbacks, but they're just lying unread. I haven't been able to read more than 10 pages at a time and I'm wayyy behind in the review books. What if people just stop reading my book blog? Leave that aside, my goodreads challenge widget shows "at your current pace, you're two books behind schedule", which, weird as it may sound, is actually hurtful to even look at. The World Book Fair's on, and I don't even know if I'll be able to attend it. Actually, no. I'm going there on Sunday, what the hell ever happens! I am so feeling like making a visit to Daryaganj for books, but I can't. I so want to read all the Young Adult fiction I have, finish the remaining Dan Brown books before his new book, 'Inferno' is released in May, read books by Khaled Hosseini before his new book is released, but with the pace my sucky life is going on, I can't do that. 

Picture courtesy: Google. 

Sometimes I hate being good. I wouldn't talk in a 'down-to-earth' tone right now. I like being good to people, I like it when they smile because of something I did/said, I absolutely love it when someone benefits because of me and they're grateful for it. But I do not like the way I'm taken for granted, which is a lot. I don't like it when I do something for you, you're so absorbed in it and saying 'Thank you' that you do not see the other stuff I'm talking about, stuff that's important to me. I'd very much like it if you would trust me 100%, and not hide things, stupid things specially, from me. Really, I'm not dumb. And I feel unwanted when you do that. Probably also insecure, and jealous. Save me these horrible feelings and please reciprocate the love I'm giving, alright?

'Self-image' is so hard to maintain, even if you're actually being "you", just because people around are playing with being who they're not. They'd say things they don't mean, they'd speak behind your back just because they're afraid of saying the truth out loud in front of you, they'd do things just so another can fail and I hate it. I hate it when I'm being judged on the basis of what I say. No one would even look at what I'm doing. And even if I'm saying/writing, it wouldn't be taken seriously. Either there's something terribly wrong with me, or I'm the most self-deprecating person ever (which I refuse to believe, because I've always been quite a positive person, ignoring a lot of non-sense. But then, everything always comes with a limit). We're having a General Student Body election, students who're interested in being in the Student Council would fight for the "coveted" seats. Apart from all the unexpected, dirty politics (which I don't even feel like mentioning), I'm just sort of burdened with the idea of just me contesting for the executive post of "Literary Head". I mean, come on! It's just depressing! I want people to be enthusiastic about this post, but it's just a 'small, useless position that's not going to be admirable'. I really, really want a friend who's just like me, who reads just the same books I do and with whom I would easily talk non-stop about the books we read. I'm done with diversity and stuff. Doesn't work for me.  

There could be a hell lot of more things I could write here, but I suppose, I should do my best to just look at the good and ignore the bad. It's going to be tough, but I'm not going to let others make me feel low, not anymore. I'd still be good, because I will not change myself because morons decide to turn devils. I am only hoping that they start caring more about everyone, not just me. It's life, people! Materialism should have a limit, no? I wish I could limit this post's visibility, so that not everyone reads it. I don't think that option is available with blogspot, though. Apologies for the strong post. I hope I soon finish a draft and post it. They're all nice and warm and positive! 

PS- I'm lonely, even with people around. I need friends. Someone who'd focus on what I am saying, instead of being self-absorbed, like everyone is. 

Thought mismatch!

Sometimes I seriously thought I'd been born in a different place than where I was supposed to (err.. even my parents think so), but now I think I should've been posted on this planet centuries ago! At a time when human population was not so abundant and I could've walked around without bumping into some stranger every 5 seconds and being baffled with how diverse we all are. Just like I felt amazed today (in a not-very-good sense, though) at how my thinking doesn't seem to match with most, and where it does even the teeniest bit, I start loving that person like crazy! So you see, all my friends have been made because they  actually understood what I was trying to say, at some point of time.

Pic from Google. I know these are socks, not thoughts, but at least it rhymes! :P

Just to clarify things, I want to point out a few peculiar characteristics and the way I feel and behave. This can be a direct retort to anyone who judges people on how they look and behave in a closed environment (like in a classroom). Or maybe not, because no one actually has been going about being judgmental, except myself. And the one I'm judging is, well, me. See? I don't even make any sense these days. 

I love observing people, especially if there's something that catches my eye, like the color of their shirt, or a beautiful design, or their bag, or shoes, or the way they walk, talk or look. If I find them fascinating enough, I'd need someone to punch me to make me realize I've been staring far too long. I can't just help it. You know, they should be happy. They could make it to my not-yet-started-book! ;)

At this point of time, I don't care about what 'anyone would think of me if I did this'. I just don't. I'm not going to change my plans or the way I feel comfortable just for you, if you don't care to do something yourself. It's funny, because not-so-long-ago, I would've felt great pangs of sadness if I got victimized, even in a joke, but not anymore. If you think you can make me the butt of your jokes and make me feel bad about it, you're so wrong. 

I really like trendy stuff. The only thing is, I start liking them after all the hullabaloo has died down and no one wants to talk about it anymore. Or they just don't care. That puts me a year behind my peers in the way we think and what we like. So if I'm scoffing at you now, over something everyone loves, just know that I'll be 'loving it' a year later. ;)

When you notice things a lot, you see the way people treat/think of their teachers changes a bit as you get into college or afterwards. Just a bit, because I respect all teachers a lot. I don't think there's more hard work required in any field than it is in teaching. While in school, as little kids, we do everything possible to make the teacher like us (though we don't know she loves us anyway), then as we get into higher classes, we see our classmates making fun of our teachers and to gel in, we laugh at their lame jokes too. I admit that happened in college and I'm ashamed of it. Now when I'm into Post-grad college, I respect them all the more, because the effort they put in and bearing our atrocious behavior, they're doing a lot. 

Even though I've learned a lot from reading and it's my ultimate pleasure experience each time, it's still a tiny reason why I don't really know how to talk much. Though I shouldn't be attributing this to reading, because otherwise as well, I'm a dork-head. I mean, while walking in a group, I see people continuously speaking about something or the other, the grass, the class, the roof, the proof. I don't know how they do it! I also notice what they do, but really, I don't word it out. How there's an omlette smell in the canteen, there's just no point. And weirder still, it seems normal when I hear it from them, but it seems stupid when I will be the one to say it.

I love music with great lyrics with a soothing tune, and also that which has a lot of dance beats in it, but I can't dance. I don't. I'm too clumsy for something that beautiful. I'll be sitting somewhere off the dance floor and making up all sorts of steps in my head, but when you drag me to the floor, I wouldn't do more than just sway at the spot. Believe me, even my feet wouldn't move. I'd watch you all dancing so wonderfully and wonder why I can't and attribute it to the fact that our TV doesn't have enough music channels, rather than accepting that I haven't really tried (that's actually not true, I did learn hip-hop for four months sometime in 2010, which was a flop! Dancing and I? We're a mismatch.)

[Added later: My definition of subtlety is completely old school. There's always a fine line between what is normal behaviour and when it starts becoming insensitive/indecent. In my dictionary, this line is very fine and I hate it when anyone crosses it. Try to cross the line and I'll opt out of it.

I very well know how to 'adjust'. Just remember to be a little considerate yourself when you ask me to 'adjust']

I don't know why I've written it at all. There was something I thought of while in class (that doesn't mean I don't listen in class. I just daydream a little too much ;)), but when I actually got down to typing, I forgot and this is the result! Anyway, I still hope it'd warn you how very unstable my mental balance is, in case you still had misgivings about my intelligence. Okay, that's not true. I'm a freaking genius. See a hint of instability? ;) 

Life update: College is okay. Better at least, than before. Though our workload hasn't decreased one bit. We get off even later now, but I've convinced myself that it's okay. :)