When were you last... ?

When were you last so blissful that no woe could fade away your smile?

When were you last so hardy that no defect could stop that walk of an extra mile?

When were you last so tranquil that no devil could take away your serenity?

When were you last so verbose that no duster could take you to brevity?

You don’t remember, do you?

I’ll tell you.

You were last all those things when you were a child.

But you would remember:

When you were so furious you wanted to make them vanish into nothingness.

When you were so afraid you believed you were really defenseless.

When you were so envious you made your own and others’ lives hell.

When you were so heartbroken you lost awareness of when the tears fell.

You remembered, didn’t you?

Because now you’re an adult.

Now don't feel hopeless. You will remember some day, maybe even be.

Till then, like this stick in the dark, smile and try to be happy.

What I now know...

... and maybe I already did, but you can only learn without experience up to a limit. Then you're faced with different situations and you realize and accept things much better than how you did before. It's just that age thing, isn't it? Some things you just understand when it's 'time'. When I started writing on this blog, I was an energetic, excited, protected, fun-loving, eager-to-participate kind of a girl, fresh into college, wondering why one of my closest college friends didn't seem too happy, or as excited as I was about college. She said she didn't like the 'people' and the negatives emanating from them drained her. She even went on to say that "I" am the reason she's able to stay. I don't know if she would read this, but I have to say that it is now that I understand how she felt. I loved that college, more than what I showed and maybe it's because the present one makes me feel like the way she felt back then. I know now. I also know, or let's say, I understand these as well:

1. You know how there are some people who're kind of dominating? The ones who suck out your energy because the way they look at you contrasts with what they speak, and it's unnerving. Sometimes they're just mean, the bad thing being they don't realize it and the worst of it being when they do know it, yet they'd still deliberately make someone feel bad about themselves, or not participate in their happiness, or visibly show they don't like them. This scared me at first, wondering what kind of a conscience they might have. Do they even have it? Why isn't it capable of killing them from the inside? And I know it doesn't, because they continue living in their self-created high bubble, among other similar meanies who know nothing better than to simply follow the leader, because they forgot they have their own brains. Well done, meanies. Now I just feel sorry for you, for the immense lack of understanding about people and emotions you have, because you're just so self-centered. 

They make others feel like this sometimes. :|

2. Victims of such psychological bullying may experience a shift in their personality, not necessarily a happy shift, and one which involves them losing their confidence, interests in activities they liked, hatred for people, a reluctance to talk to new people. They lose friends because meanies, making full use of the 'smart' tactics and the fact that people are vulnerable when tensed and are totally fickle minded, are able to successfully bad-mouth those who're totally unaware of it. The even smarter ones might not bad-mouth them, but would anyway make the rest feel someone else is just not good, or right, or nice enough. Another thing I noticed was how your behaviour towards a certain person can shift dramatically because someone close to you shifts their behaviour too. 

Meaning, you make the rest into meanies too. BAD influence.

Consider this example: I've always seen my parents being 'nice' to people. Never a rude word or impoliteness. I was scolded when I even said, "I hate.. so and so". Mom practically got a shock, saying how you can't really "hate" someone, it is such a wrong thing to do. I decided trying to work around it, to see only the good in people and I did succeed to some extent. Anyway, that's a different point. A few days ago I saw dad pass only a half-hearted smile to a neighbour, and even that shocked me because I always expected him to be nice. I asked, half-angrily why he didn't greet him properly and he said how he doesn't like their habit of always parking wrong, despite reminders. The point is, I don't like to see them being rude, I wonder how many times did their heart feel sad to see me talking like that. Now whenever I see that neighbour, despite trying to not think about it, I do get a glimpse of his personality clouded by the fact that he never listens to the parking problems. See? I don't even know his name and I'm judging him. See how meanies can affect someone's image in the same way? I understand now how this works.

3. There's this teacher we have, a visiting faculty, who intrigues me somehow with the simple, people-based things he talks about and makes those as the basis for teaching the otherwise mundane subjects. Once in a class he made a comment about mean people. Or those who dominate to work their way up, making others feel like hell in the process. He said they're actually quite insecure. And the way insecure people work is that they make others feel insecure about themselves and use it to feel better themselves. I've compared this statement with some meanies. With the recent inability/disinterest in talking at all, I've observed more than ever and it seems to be quite true. You see it in the way they'd look. 'Expressions' are called expressions for a reason. They tell you 90% of the things that are unspoken and also when what one says is conflicting with what they feel.

4. You behave differently in front of people you're not comfortable with and those with whom you gel well. I know, it's obvious, but there's more to it. You even behave differently with strangers when you're alone and when you're with someone you "have" to be with but you're not the buddy-buddy kind. They dominate you. Think about it. Imagine one person who may be in your college, a classmate you feel those negative vibes with, but you're just going somewhere work-related with them. You meet a stranger, maybe someone coming up to you to ask if you know the place they're looking for. If you'd been alone, you'd have felt more 'free' and like your own self and you'd have smiled wide and helped them. If you're with the meanie, you'd feel self-conscious because that's how pathetically they make you feel. You'd mumble something and look away as soon as the stranger left. 

There's this saying, 'people won't remember what you did for them, but they'll always remember how you made them feel'. I couldn't agree more, because you do remember. That's the way you remember people. Think about your school. You remember the bully with a frown because he made you feel bad back then, you remember your best friend with a smile, or even that sweet, helpful girl in class because she was always polite to you and made you feel respected. 

5. This is something that needs to go out as a message, because some people don't just realize it. It is **extremely** important to express your feelings or your thoughts when someone does something and is expecting it. People aren't telepathic, they won't know what you think unless you say it. Most of all when it is expected. *Biggest examples*: Go back to what you learned in Kindergarten. Say 'please', 'sorry' and 'thank you'. Often. USE these words to express your wish, your guilt, your gratitude. "Gratitude" is what you should feel, not jealousy or hatred. Someone passes you a water bottle, say Thankyou. You make someone wait for longer, say a Sorry and mean it! If you're asking someone to pick up your chai from the canteen, have the courtesy to ask with a Please, instead of ordering them around. People don't really mind doing these little things, but the way you say it makes a difference. I know it now.

Seriously.

Though I don't mean that you say it to make them happy and get the work done, not really meaning it yourself. Because there would be some people not giving a damn to someone's existence but would come running with fake puppy-pathetic faces asking for help with extended 'please's and 'thankyou's. Not cool. Not cool at all.

But I also know that the way to deal with meanies is to not give them any kind of satisfaction, or the illusion that they've succeeded. No matter what happens, you have to forget they made you feel bad, you have to get over it asap because it is only you who's going to get affected and learn to block them out as much as you can. You realize that some people are just not the effort, or your time. You may have still been kind and good, trying to make things better yourself, but sometimes it's just not worth it because some people aren't going to change. Those who do, well and good. But if they don't, learn to ignore (and this works best) and talk to those who make you feel better. Indulge in activities you liked, it may be harder but think about it: no one can make you lose interest in things you love. How can you let them? Be persistent, be focused, ignore the small talk, focus on the big picture and move on. Life is beautiful, cut the weeds out of it as frequently and clearly as possible. :) Keep smiling. :D

***

I hope you survived the emotional ride and made it here. I always focused on posting energetic, happy stuff on the blog, wanting to make this a place where people connect and feel good about themselves and their lives, just by knowing there's someone just like them out here, not afraid to talk about her life. I restricted myself from posting serious stuff like this, but then I really wanted to share these thoughts and since they're a part of me, the not-so-perfect life I have, it's just to say I'm just an ordinary person trying to lead a simple, ordinary life, which in itself is quite extraordinary these days, don't you think? ;) This too, is a part of me. :)

PS- I haven't been referring to anyone as such. Nor have I been the victim in all cases. This is the result of being quiet lately and observing more than ever. :D Agree on any of these?

Dream a paradise...

Popping open an eye, she saw Mother tangled up in affairs,

Chanced upon the opening, but Mother was fast, shushed her

Slid her back, retreating into the cosy cocoon.

She closed her eyes, and dreamt of a paradise,

Recalled the green-blue glimpse, so away from her reach

Pretty nectared flowers, and bees and winds.

 

Pic from Google

Frowned Mother, That’s rubbish, she said,

“Out there” is wild and wrong and perilous

Home is shelter, home is where you’ll always be.

Gaze dropped to her developing form, too small for the cocoon,

But Mother, she worried, I’m feeling suffocated!

Can I have a go at my paradise?

Don’t be ridiculous, Mother replied, There’s no paradise,

There are falls and hurts and beasts and tides

You’ll suffer in life and then cease to survive.

She closed her eyes, imagined the paradise,

That seemed so perfect, so “for her”

Please Mother? She pleaded. No, came the reply.

And hence she never knew, what it was like,

To live, to learn, to love, to know

For she stopped breathing before any real tide.

Pic from Google

I honestly don’t know what this is. Not a poem, just words strung together to make a story I didn’t know how to write. I hope the message of the story is clear: life is supposed to be lived, to actually do what you want, but can you really? Most of the times, it’s your guardians who do “too much”: worry too much, protect too much, say ‘No’ too much. “Too much” is actually too bad. No one needs to die in a cocoon or to miss out on living like everyone else. The suffocation, the protection is not worth losing out on the thrill and happiness of the freedom. True, there are horrors, but somewhere in between, there is a paradise. Let us find it. And it’s not enough to dream about it.

PS- I could have scheduled this and posted later, but either because I’m loving the new look so much that I want to write, or that I really can’t bear the wait to post what I wrote, for two days later! Now is now is now. Anyway, tell me: did that really make any sense?

PPS- It might have been inspired by Coldplay’s “Paradise”, which I’ve listened to a million times since last night. Yep, I’m not kidding. Not even remotely. 

Let go.

*Fiction*

Sophie fought hard to keep her eyes closed in concentration, picturing only her and keeping all else out of her mind, her hands clenched into fists so tight that it hurt. She didn't notice how her fingernails cut across her soft palms, sure to cause marks that wouldn't be going away anytime soon. Yes, she had the vision. Now all she had to do was pinpoint her negative energy in that direction and cause damage. Thanks to the Supreme Council, she had her powers promoted and it took just a mere thought (with a lot of focus, of course) to let her do things her way. 

Come on, she thought. Just a thought, is all it takes! However, a feeling crawled up her skin that was becoming quite a regular in her body. Guilt. When had she become like this? She wasn't accustomed to feeling such intense hatred, that too out of jealousy. Coupled with anger, helplessness and a pathetic kind of sadness, it was a horrible conflict of emotions which she couldn't fathom. In her confusion and a sudden surge of hot anger, she had decided to use her powers. To harm. And it was scary, as she was known to be a genial person. Non-violent. Why was she even bothered? It would only harm her soul, tarnish it with something she didn't deserve.

But then, what Sophie was getting, she didn't deserve that either. For all she knew, she was way better than many people, character wise. She couldn't think of deliberately hurting anyone, and she loved her friends deeply. Ugh, she thought. It's no use. Mentally cursing her fate, she wondered how it was so unfair. In all eternity of her being, she had to feel that way for someone, for the first time. No doubt it was a wonderful feeling, and they'd shared a lot of stuff as friends and she liked him. Fact. But lately, there was her. That little sticky cocklebur who never left any opportunity to latch herself onto him. Eww, Sophie. What are you thinking? Since when did you start thinking like this? 

If he clearly was good friends with her, she couldn't really do anything about it, right? No, she wasn't going to start "playing" any games or anything. She just had to learn to let go. Hadn't she read so many stories, most of which had underlying meanings that stressed on the power of love? The power of forgiveness? She was a person good at heart. She had to ignore the bad stuff, the dumb people, even more so the stupid things they unknowingly do. Immature. Or whatever.

Sophie opened her eyes to a hazy world and blinked rapidly to clear her vision. She became aware of a faint pain in her palms, and saw Gale stroking it comfortingly. 'Thank you', she murmured. Gale turned her to face him, remembering how stubborn she can be. Being her older brother, he knew her well. He took in a breath and spoke softly, as if willing his whisper to nudge her stubborn soul, " You are a great person, Sophie. But painfully loving. You can give all your love to those you care about, but you have to understand that the world doesn't work like that. You can't own people, you can't stop someone you like from liking someone else, unless you make it clear about how you feel, which you won't do. I know it hurts, it hurts real bad. But you have to understand that it's not the end of the world. There will be a million more things, that will strike you and make you feel discontented. You just have to work out which ones you can choose to ignore. There will still be some that you'll have to bear, it's just a part of what it is and you won't have a choice. Be strong. Still share your love, love so strongly that it overshadows your hurt. You never know when it'll help you drown out the sadness. Please Sophie. Don't taint your new powers with a negative spell. You know it'll permanently damage your soul too. Please, let go."

And believe it or not, she did.

***

This is one crappy piece. And you don't have to say it's not. I began with the aim of creating a story, with a well defined character and I suppose that character was going to get hurt real bad. But I realized I didn't want to do that (I mean, just because my mood was morose is no reason to hurt a poor character, right?). Hence, this something that's so incomplete. I hope I get the time to actually write what's in my mind and not random stuff like this :P

PS- ^ All that is a lie. I was reading a book where the protagonist was called Sophie and while reading, I envisioned this scene, feeling this is how it would turn out. But it didn't, and I liked this version too, so I decided to write it down! 

That red monster...

... that no one wants in their life! That invisible beast which makes you a target, claws on your face, leaving scars and clutches your shoulders so tight, you get tears in your eyes. The beast called anger. 

This post isn't really about anything in particular, but an update on my not-so-great-life recently. I know I promised not to vent on this blog, that even got an award for its positivity (thank you Abinaya!), but I suppose it's okay sometimes. I actually have about 15 drafts posts, half written, most of which have been created in the past few days itself. Each day I get new topics to write about, I start writing but then get lost somewhere in between, the result of which is an empty blog filled with serious posts since the past few, well, posts. I still haven't started any Theandric Thursday story, I left a story I actually was writing, in between. I have the idea in mind, I created scenes today while in a boring class, I have those notes right in front of me, but I can't write. I'm supposedly, a new columnist at That's So Gloss (yeah, thanks. Click on the link to check it out), but I've just written one article till now, while I was supposed to have written at least three. I'm so dead. Even for those, I do have drafts! Why can't God just either, take it all away at once, or give me back everything? This "in between" thing is making me irritable, angry and so damn under-confident!

For a change, I actually have some amazing books with me, at home, paperbacks and hardbacks, but they're just lying unread. I haven't been able to read more than 10 pages at a time and I'm wayyy behind in the review books. What if people just stop reading my book blog? Leave that aside, my goodreads challenge widget shows "at your current pace, you're two books behind schedule", which, weird as it may sound, is actually hurtful to even look at. The World Book Fair's on, and I don't even know if I'll be able to attend it. Actually, no. I'm going there on Sunday, what the hell ever happens! I am so feeling like making a visit to Daryaganj for books, but I can't. I so want to read all the Young Adult fiction I have, finish the remaining Dan Brown books before his new book, 'Inferno' is released in May, read books by Khaled Hosseini before his new book is released, but with the pace my sucky life is going on, I can't do that. 

Picture courtesy: Google. 

Sometimes I hate being good. I wouldn't talk in a 'down-to-earth' tone right now. I like being good to people, I like it when they smile because of something I did/said, I absolutely love it when someone benefits because of me and they're grateful for it. But I do not like the way I'm taken for granted, which is a lot. I don't like it when I do something for you, you're so absorbed in it and saying 'Thank you' that you do not see the other stuff I'm talking about, stuff that's important to me. I'd very much like it if you would trust me 100%, and not hide things, stupid things specially, from me. Really, I'm not dumb. And I feel unwanted when you do that. Probably also insecure, and jealous. Save me these horrible feelings and please reciprocate the love I'm giving, alright?

'Self-image' is so hard to maintain, even if you're actually being "you", just because people around are playing with being who they're not. They'd say things they don't mean, they'd speak behind your back just because they're afraid of saying the truth out loud in front of you, they'd do things just so another can fail and I hate it. I hate it when I'm being judged on the basis of what I say. No one would even look at what I'm doing. And even if I'm saying/writing, it wouldn't be taken seriously. Either there's something terribly wrong with me, or I'm the most self-deprecating person ever (which I refuse to believe, because I've always been quite a positive person, ignoring a lot of non-sense. But then, everything always comes with a limit). We're having a General Student Body election, students who're interested in being in the Student Council would fight for the "coveted" seats. Apart from all the unexpected, dirty politics (which I don't even feel like mentioning), I'm just sort of burdened with the idea of just me contesting for the executive post of "Literary Head". I mean, come on! It's just depressing! I want people to be enthusiastic about this post, but it's just a 'small, useless position that's not going to be admirable'. I really, really want a friend who's just like me, who reads just the same books I do and with whom I would easily talk non-stop about the books we read. I'm done with diversity and stuff. Doesn't work for me.  

There could be a hell lot of more things I could write here, but I suppose, I should do my best to just look at the good and ignore the bad. It's going to be tough, but I'm not going to let others make me feel low, not anymore. I'd still be good, because I will not change myself because morons decide to turn devils. I am only hoping that they start caring more about everyone, not just me. It's life, people! Materialism should have a limit, no? I wish I could limit this post's visibility, so that not everyone reads it. I don't think that option is available with blogspot, though. Apologies for the strong post. I hope I soon finish a draft and post it. They're all nice and warm and positive! 

PS- I'm lonely, even with people around. I need friends. Someone who'd focus on what I am saying, instead of being self-absorbed, like everyone is. 

How do you feel?

If you're rooted in a mass

Of beings different, 

Pitying you probably, for you're

Not 'them', sticking out sorely

How would you feel?

If you ever speak and

It goes to the wind

For they have priorities, overlook

Your little voice, meaningless

How would you feel?

If your little heart flutters

At a sound, you turn and

See it/they smiling, at another

Their backs to you, indifferent

How would you feel?

If it's easy being alone

You do it with grace

Doesn't mean it's desired

Still they leave you up to it

How would you feel?

If you find yourself

At the intersection, with the

Forgotten past behind, the unknown future

Ahead, and the present muddled, conflicting

How would you feel?

Be in those shoes, at least once

See, what your indifference does

To drown another soul, in pain

Insecurity, inferiority. If this is you,

How do you feel?

The above picture was taken from Google (where else?).

The above post is the product of a very weird state of mind. Ignore if it doesn't make much sense.