#18: You're a star!

It was a beautiful light-show
That we saw, when you were born.

Your mother looked at you and thought,
"This will be brighter than the brightest morn."

You began to grow, living your life
With a lot of love and care,

Though sometimes with glitches (as is natural),
Which made you act like you shouldn't have dared.

But know, sweet, little star,
That it is all right,

For stars to face phases, and
Be dull rather than being bright.

Stars may stray their paths,
They might sometimes oscillate,

But not necessarily only when they're out of shape and order,
Also when other stars and particles lead them to deviate.

You must know, sweet, little star,
That these phases can be short or long,

They can vary in intensity too,
But you can always turn it into a song (even a sad one).

You must also know, that you have responsibilities
From which you must never escape,

For they will ensure your energy and power
Are never put to waste.

If you ever feel, the other stars in the constellation,
Are picking and prodding, and you don't like the touch,

Know that it is because they won't see you troubled,
In any way in the future, because they love you too much.

Have you seen how their eyes shine,
With love and assurance when they see you?

Even if you're just one, and think yourself unimportant,
Know that this constellation would not be one without you.

A created, special star. :)
PS- Please don't copy this picture.

***

Yay! This completes my NaPoWriMo, a whole month of poem-making. Apart from the obvious realization (how it was wonderful to write them), I found out how time flies! It seems like I accepted this friend's challenge for poetry only last week or so.

Frankly though, it was fun, and it was rewarding. For a person who had been craving to write something but couldn't, this served the purpose, and it also made me happy. I didn't really stick to the plan: I don't have thirty poems, but I'm oh-so-happy with whatever I managed to write. :D Perhaps some day when I'm bored or inspired, I will end up writing and posting another poem. ^_^

As to the challenge, I declare both of us as winners. I wrote magnificently on some days, while the competitor did so too. Some days we both messed up. In the end, we did put an effort, and that makes us winners. :D YAY!

When were you last... ?

When were you last so blissful that no woe could fade away your smile?

When were you last so hardy that no defect could stop that walk of an extra mile?

When were you last so tranquil that no devil could take away your serenity?

When were you last so verbose that no duster could take you to brevity?

You don’t remember, do you?

I’ll tell you.

You were last all those things when you were a child.

But you would remember:

When you were so furious you wanted to make them vanish into nothingness.

When you were so afraid you believed you were really defenseless.

When you were so envious you made your own and others’ lives hell.

When you were so heartbroken you lost awareness of when the tears fell.

You remembered, didn’t you?

Because now you’re an adult.

Now don't feel hopeless. You will remember some day, maybe even be.

Till then, like this stick in the dark, smile and try to be happy.

The Meaning of This Silence

How do you know you are a different person at any point of time? Normally, you wouldn't realize it unless you pondered over your changing relationships, your frame of mind, the way you spend your days, what you like and don't like, or the way you feel okay with things you ardently rebelled earlier. 

I've been quite silent lately. Being in touch with fewer people than ever, screaming over things going wrong lesser than before, staying home more than ever, and other similar things that has, as I've observed, kind of unnerved a number of people. Not many, though. Most of them seem to be going through a similar time, and they're too busy adjusting to it themselves to be bothered about me. I'm not suggesting that those who do get bothered are getting so for me, because it's for them that they feel weird. I'm different now, and changes in people who are your family and/or friends are not easy to deal with. We bring our own insecurities and fears to the forefront when dealing with changes in other people, and that usually throws us off our secure positions.

It's not a bad change. Speaking less was always my forte, the thing that was inherent in me, a trait that made me feel more comfortable than awkward. In fact, I've encountered awkwardness whenever I chose to speak or engage in a social conversation like everyone else. It's just not me, and the fact that I've always been asked to get away from something that's me, is really unpleasant. Right from school where teachers complained that I'm too quiet, to high school and college where mindless kids liked to tag me as 'boring' because I took no interest in their mundane talks, I've been suggested to leave my zone and change myself. What happened in reality? The opposite.

I'm back into my zone, and since it's taken so long to go back there, it's taking time to adjust. But it is a comfortable time. Yes, I do feel sorry to miss some social outings, but the feeling is transitory. I still go out to meet friends, talk to new people, engage in social conversations, heck, even try to keep up with the latest online trends! Yet, in my mind, I have fewer things to worry about, fewer people to take care of and lots of wonder at being able to discover so many things about myself and the people I love that I had been missing all this time. 

It's not a deliberate attempt at anything. It just is. As I've mentioned before in previous posts, being able to work and get away from institutions that bound me, I've felt more liberated than ever. With that feeling comes the feeling of control - I am in control of my life. I am lesser intimidated by parents, and most of the times I flounder, but I also take each step carefully because I know I would be the one to blame if anything went wrong. It is my life and it is up to me to make it better. I am, first and foremost, responsible for my own physical and mental well-being. I will make no attempts at pleasing anyone who becomes difficult. I have put across myself just the way I am, and I am completely comfortable with the idea that some people might not like it. 

This silence entails space, and time. I've been able to be with myself, been able to think, study, learn, read, write, cry, laugh, scowl, grin, feel emotional, feel reckless, feel ecstatic, all at my own pace. Not adhering to anyone else has made me get closer to myself, to loving myself and to understanding myself. It's a very beautiful place, and I got here when it was a much-needed thing.

***

If I'm not speaking as much as I did, it's not because I have a problem with you. It's because for a change, my life is about me. And I will live it according to my own will.

The real, real world.

My life as a child was always guarded. No going out after dark, following rules related to play time and hours, no going out alone, no travelling on the roads, no going to friends' houses that are more than half a kilometer away, no staying over at any relative's (no matter how close the relation), no school 'counties' or picnics unsupervised by teachers. The fact that I was a book addict, craft lover, and generally loved spending time solving puzzles or drawing and creating things or playing our own version of Legends of the Hidden Temple with G, I grew up a guarded, careful person.

Most of the restrictions vanished when I began college, but the idea of caution was deeply ingrained, and even though I was naturally a super-adventurous soul always looking for action, what seemed on the surface was exactly the opposite. The main reason was that no matter how reckless I felt, there was always an edge of practicality. It seemed like I was missing out on things, but in reality, I was just keeping myself safe. Yes, there are a lot many proponents of the idea that you need to experience everything in order to know things, but I don't believe in it. Why do you need to go through a difficult situation that gives you pain? I believe that when you do encounter a difficult situation, you will anyway face it no matter what you've faced in the past. So if I decide to avoid situations that I feel would make me uncomfortable, then it's my right and well, I am right. :P

In this whole manner of growing up, I developed an idea, or rather, a way of thinking that made people say that I 'live in the clouds'. I was always optimistic for the most part, believed that whatever view I have of the world, it would be just like that, thought that good things happened to good people, that I will be all right if I did everything right. Most of all, I fought with the idea that I cannot live my life happily if I always stayed 'in the clouds'. It was a safe place, and I wanted to stay there. It was a good way to live life. I did encounter my own share of sorrows, but I was always hopeful.

Nearly a year after completing formal education, I still believe in all those things. After all, isn't it difficult to start thinking along different lines than what you've always been used to? But this time, it is slightly different. Even though I believe in all those things, I now also know the 'whys', I've also witnessed and understood things I never wanted to believe existed, and I've developed an even bigger need to stay closer to God. Thankfully, my core beliefs remain the same, but I will not hide the fact that living in 'real life' made me very sad. It showed me that the things I thought were so bad they shouldn't exist, would not just exist, but also exist eerily close to me. It's really strange how different everything becomes once you get really independent, and that in this city, is when you start working.

What made me sad?

- Looking at people making a living by fooling other people, and supporting all the wrong kind of things. The really worrying thing is, there seem to be so many people living along these lines, and what they wear as a facade is so convincing, that unless you have great observation and are not easily moved by marketing efforts (that is, if you are someone like me), you wouldn't even realize what kind of lies people live with. When you are used to being ethical and honest, you feel suffocated if you are put in an environment that thrives on lies.

If lying wasn't bad enough, there's this whole idea of showbiz, and by God, it is something I can NEVER like or appreciate, no matter how people might think it to be 'entertaining'. It is not entertainment to me, it's being vile and idiotic and making fun of people who don't know any better. And I loathe people who pull off lies as acts, not knowing how stupid they look to those who know the truth, and how they're being marked by God as mere idiots who are spoiling His world. Besides, people (businesses, politicians, marketers) who make it a business of cheating people, not only cheat those outside the organization, but also their own employees.

- Looking at people who are just so delusional. I cannot stress on the gravity of delusion so many people seem to be living in. One category is that of the super-rich who believe they can buy their way into anything. And the sad fact is that they usually can, and then they believe that they're the winners. Another category belongs to the self-obsessed people. But then, what can we say about the common people if the head of the country is the biggest of them all? 

- Realizing that good can happen to people who are good and also to the vicious ones. The same goes for difficulties. God made us all equal and he treats us equally. Karma takes its own role, but for the most part, what happens to us depends on our own selves - are we a minority caste in a bigoted country? Are we poor? Do we have 'contacts'? How you enjoy the good and avoid the bad are basically based on these factors, not God.

- Witnessing alarming amounts of mindless, idiotic acts every day. People seem to have lost all faculties of mental reasoning. Life seems artificial when you look around and feel that so many young people prefer parties over spending time with family, prefer cricket matches and stupid movies over spiritual or intellectual talks, prefer spending thousands in one restaurant meal over giving a small bit of money to the homeless. Then there are events and acts that make no sense whatsoever. And let's not even begin talking about the differences in men and women. I cannot keep on harping about those, so I'll stop now and keep this post short. 

In between all this lies the happy world of a family and loved ones, best friends and of course, so many books waiting to be read. I've read such a vast variety of genres and themes, authors and writing styles in the past one year, that it makes me feel scared that I would die before I got to read them all! :P All this offers a constant assurance that one person can make a difference, and if you stay true to yourself and ignoring the negativity, try to spread the good things as much as you can, it will be all right. :) 

Life of a Social Recluse

Hello, dear blog! I haven't written in you since ages, and I realized that I would miss out transcribing life updates if I stayed away any longer. There hasn't been much in action, but at the same time, life has never been as good. Okay, it has, but this kind of good has come after a long time. I've had such a change in perspective on a lot many things, it feels like I've learned so much more in the past few months than in the past few years, and that I'm finally, 'living'.

Anyway, what I do these days is:

1. Spend hours each day excluding weekends at work, mostly reading, writing, reading some more and hoping against hope that my eyesight is not affected. The evenings are spent chilling at home, talking to friends, visiting relatives or the market or the park, reading websites and articles or for the most part, browsing the shelves for something new and interesting to read. Thankfully, I've managed to collect quite a bit. That reminds me, I've had people remark how I manage to get those books. What do you mean how I've managed? It is very much possible if you refrain spending on ridiculous restaurant food, if you don't over indulge in shopping, if you basically prefer books over anything else. It is very much possible.

2. Read different kinds of books, experimenting with genres I never tried before, and reading between the lines. This is one of the new things that has happened, for I no longer read just the words to get what has been written, but almost naturally, also look at the author's intention, writing style, phrases used, metaphors, character sketches, etc etc. I say naturally because I've been given a grand, vast view of the inside world of books, and it makes me just so curious to get to the depth of words! 

*_*

3. Getting an insider's view of the publishing industry has made me very happy indeed. It's not all glamour or as perfect as the final results a.k.a books are, but it gives me a lot of satisfaction. To be a part of the process that once made me very happy as a kid, is amazing. True, it gets dull and dreary every now and then. You get bored, doubt yourself, sometimes multiple times a day, get frustrated when things go slow, but it can be endured if you always have a larger goal in your mind, and you know that the dullness of the present is anyway important to help you achieve those goals. 

It sometimes gets sad too, when you realize that the things you consider sacred are not treated as well in the places where they are produced. There is a lot of work, and people get frustrated. Businesses need to earn money, and sometimes it feels like it is only for money that books get traded, which of course is not true, but it just seems like it sometimes. What is necessary is to stick to your own beliefs, treat books as sources of knowledge/wisdom/entertainment/whatever at your own end, and do your work to the best of your ability. It is also sad to see hundreds of people writing books. That's not bad, actually, but the fact that they are mostly overconfident people who already call themselves authors before being published, believe their work to be a masterpiece while it is indeed, for want of a better word, trash, is quite disheartening. It used to bug me a lot earlier, but now since I've grown used to it, I feel somewhat emotionless most of the times. But it still annoys me sometimes. People are seriously deluded.

4. Traveling in the metro has become ... monotonous and irritating for the most part. I so wanted to do a separate metro diaries post, but I don't think it would be well-deserved. Ever since the first women-only coupe started, I've always traveled in that, except for a few times. The trouble is that I'm not the only one who made that decision, so the first coach is always excessively crowded. You'd think that stuck between women (as a girl yourself) would be way better than being among creepy-guys-who-think-a-girl-in-their-coach-is-a-rarity (don't you go berating me for generalizing or whatever, because there are a lot of such creepy weirdos). Anyway, you might be right, but only partially. 

Now just imagine all these as
women, with cell phones and
earphones plugged in.

First, women have little regard for other women. I might be killed for this statement, but at least when it comes to traveling in the metro, it is true. There are good Samaritans too, but you would have to agree that: 

- A majority of women travelers will NOT budge more than a couple of inches when you need to pass them to get to the door because you have to get down at the next station. 

- You will find some who fix themselves at the doors, completely disregarding the crowd behind them. Incidentally, the fixture doesn't need to get down at the next ten stations at least. It just doesn't want to literally gel with the crowd. And to add to that, they have the audacity to look angry when you unknowingly push them a little while getting off. Sometimes I do not even push unknowingly, but it has no effect whatsoever. 

- Apart from Rajiv Chowk or other major stations with guards overseeing the queues on platforms, people will never learn that they are supposed to stand on the sides and leave space in between for those who wish to get out. In fact, if you are the ones standing on the side, you would be the last person to board the train.

- God save you during the rush hour! You would be squeezed in from all sides, your arms would be coiled around bulging waists of at least four different women, your nose would be desperately seeking a bit of fresh air, you would be assaulting your toes to stand a little higher to breathe in right at the air conditioners, your hair would be a foot or two away from your body, and the steady brush of hard cloth at your ankles would make you feel secure that your bag has not yet been washed away by the sea of jostling women. 

- There is something incredibly putting off about having cell phones in hand. Even when there is no space to stand. Even when other people are suffocating and struggling to stand on their own two feet, some people demand extra space for their cell phones, because they cannot bear to part with those even till the distance of their jeans' pocket. Urghhh!

- There has hardly been a metro ride where I haven't had generous intake of someone's gastric misadventure. Even in a fifteen minute ride.

5. I've taken to baking cakes! Yay! The fact that till date, the first two cakes were entirely flawless (one with eggs, one eggless) and the others were not-so-great experiments, doesn't matter as much because whoever talked about baking being such a stress-free activity was so right. There is something very relaxing about baking a cake. I was at first alarmed looking at the ingredients, going all 'Whoa. SO totally unhealthy', but once in a while is okay, I guess (or else all those with a sweet tooth would murder me anyway). 

Trust me, this was the most delicious experiment ever!

6. Feeling that gut wrenching feeling whenever I find a great children's book, because I don't know, I feel just. so. drawn to them! They're the best kind of books. Ever.

7. Making lists and lists of work and interesting stuff to do, to take my mind off life's lower aspects. Getting out of touch with some people, hearing ridiculous gossip in family gatherings, feeling put off with Facebook but not being able to get off it entirely, not having enough clouds during weekends for photography, to name a few. I've tried writing here a lot many times, but they've always ended up as drafts. I was a little peeved that I wasn't getting the time and energy to write here, but then as a friend helped me realize:

- I'm still working towards making a career in something I believe in, and love.

- I am anyway too blessed to feel jealous of anyone.

- This is my blog that I started purely for my own self, not to make anyone read it. So what if readers don't respond? The 2-3 people who matter, do. And that is really what one needs, innit? :) 

PS- Did you realize the post has nothing to do with the title? I might call myself a social recluse, but the real story behind the title is just this - type anything random if you don't get an idea within ten seconds. Tada!!

You shouldn't always be 'cool with everything'. Here's why...

There are some things that sometimes make me feel guilty. Getting annoyed at something/someone, not feeling quite satisfied with life, finding people in the metro annoying, feeling dizzy looking at newspaper headlines, or news shows that talk about a monkey saving another monkey as headline news. These are recent. Since childhood, I've accumulated quite a lot of similar stories where I was made to feel, and now I automatically feel, guilty about feeling annoyed/irritated/angry/sad at anything I feel is not quite right. It's a reason deep rooted. We're supposed to be good kids and not shout or crib a lot. Of course we should! That's what kids are supposed to actually do. Because when they don't, they keep it inside and start hating everything that's related to the thing they weren't allowed to sulk over. 

Now in this age and time, despite the fact that it feels sickening, we've seen the relative and even absolute importance of being online. That inevitably led to a shift in thoughts - for the good and for the bad. We're exposed to almost everything that happens in the world, yet we don't feel strongly for any one thing. We have all the information that was never there before, yet we cannot make sense of some sensitive topics. We cannot argue with maniacs who've taken over the social media to spread hate messages, because they're beyond control and influencing other maniacs too. And most of all, we cannot express how annoying all this, because we're supposed to 'just chill' and 'be cool with everything.'

Fine, you're propagating peace. No one is allowed to argue or point out the negatives, but why should the world get away with doing something so stupid? We should start speaking up. Not on blogs, not on social media, and certainly not in the form of protests. Don't feel bad about stopping someone from doing something silly just because you don't want to hurt their feelings or spoiling their time after a long day. Speak up even when someone silences you with a 'chill dude' when you protest against a racist remark. Point out when someone in a group cracks a rude joke. Would you rather feel terrible about the kind of people you hang out with, or tell them somehow that they're wrong? Tell them if what they said is wrong. Stop 'chilling'. It's not helping. Neither you, nor the world. You don't feel at peace anyway. You just think you're feeling cool because you fool yourself into believing so.

Taking yet another helping of a large scoop of chocolate ice-cream because the host is forcing you, letting your classmates make you stay for an hour longer because they're still working, letting go of a prejudiced remark because it didn't seem too offensive at the time, laughing at stupid WhatsApp videos people keep sending, looking at people sneaking peeks at other people's cell phones in the metro, a neighbour's pet dog roaming freely around because they say it's harmless - all these have personally been things I've felt guilty about. Not just about letting all that happen, but also about feeling not-so-cool about it. That's the level of stress expectations can have. Why can't I say if I find something wrong? I'm terrified of dogs, so even if he's a harmless half-lion, I will feel bad if you tell me that I'm wrong to say it's not right to leave it out like that. It makes me cringe when people talk in terms of caste and social status about anyone, and then describing them, so I will tell you that you need to shut up. It's not just about how "I" feel, but about right and wrong. This chalta hai attitude is wrong. Nahi chalta aise. 

When you get into the chalta hai attitude, you forget your limits. You cross an invisible line and become one of those who know no better than to just have 'fun' and live for themselves. You show others that it is okay to deviate, to accept what they might feel is wrong, to become 'cool'. 

Src: pinterest

Of course I don't mean you should always be on edge and snap at everything that ticks you off. Sometimes you just cannot point out things directly. Sometimes it's not required. But we need to be aware of what we're doing, what we're saying and how we say it. It's important to know what you think! Most of the times, we're not thinking for ourselves, but simply repeating what others are saying, or worse, what the majority is saying. Take a break, sit back and just think. How do you feel? What makes you feel bad? How can you make a difference? It's not all that difficult, really. You affect the people around you. Stop doing things that you think are wrong. That's it. It's not difficult. When people would see that you don't participate in anything you don't like, they're going to actually feel inspired. Even if they criticize you on your face, they're wondering how you do it. Some might even say that they admire your stand. And if you feel that it'll be difficult, look around. There are always heroes somewhere; someone who's quietly living the way you should. Approach them for help, they'll never refuse. 

So the next time you're tempted to laugh at a sexist joke, stop yourself and tell the person that it's not funny. You should not feel guilty about doing what is right. Never, ever.  

Whoever you are, there's only one you!

Since I'm not any scientific researcher, I can't say things for anyone but myself. Plus, I'm too lazy overworked to actually search for similar findings, so I'll simply stick to my own observation. Surrounded by media at all times, usually not having enough understanding, or even motivation, to look at oneself in seclusion, we are very much susceptible to getting into the mindset of what constitutes 'normal'. It's not defined by ourselves, but by what we see around us. Mostly we say we agree with it, so that's also our own perception of how things are. But haven't you ever thought just about yourself? Seeing yourself in isolation and getting scared at how you 'actually' look at things? Because it is scary, the idea that what you really feel is so different and strange and unreal, yet that's the thing that makes you feel best.

However, like always, that is not what this post is about! There were just a few instances and moments when I thought that perhaps, what happens with me is something that can happen only with me. Those things aren't what you would have anyone else say, 'That happened with me too!' Maybe they did, but to me, at that moment, it felt like I'm just one in all the people in the world. Someone who has something that no one else can have. And that's the thing, isn't it? The beauty, the excitement, everything lies in small details. :')

#1: That's what is on my wrist

Ignoring the small (but awesome) readership of this blog, I'd ask, is there anyone else in the country who would have a silver and black clasp-oval-bangle, exactly like the one I have? Like the one I wear on special days, because it is cute and specially bought for me by dad when he was in a random local market in Dushanbe (Tajikistan). Let's make it easier: at any given time, how many girls in India would be wearing such a thing, brought by their dad from that particular market, just for them? There were no duplicates, according to what I was told, so the possibility of anyone else with the same situation and treasure is close to zero, right? Isn't that something to make anyone feel special and unique?

#2: That's what I'm reading

The probability of a girl reading a book called The Girl With All The Gifts in a metro train in the morning would also be very low. That one time when I realized it, I am sure I was the only one who experienced that moment, the only one to be reading that book in that metro. Or perhaps the only one among all the metro trains that day. 

#3: That's what I know

I'm most certain about this one! I'm the only one who knows stories from my grandmom's childhood: certain details from her life as a kid in Rawalpindi (in present day Pakistan), her life as a refugee in Delhi right after the partition, her relation with her siblings. Discussing it with her children, I realized no one else knows it in as much detail as I do, which leaves me to be the only living person who's aware of those stories. Is that brilliant or what? *_*

#4: That's what I call branding!

Did you know the origin of the word 'brand'? Ages ago when there were slaves, and perhaps even now with farm animals, permanent tattoos got stamped onto the skin to 'brand' them as belonging to a particular person/owner. In the present world, we swear by different brands. A couple of days ago, I was ironing one of my jackets. Realizing that I need to check the temperature, I put my hand on the jacket to see how warm it already was, so I could accordingly adjust the level in the iron. It seemed overly hot, if the way the jacket's logo on the lapel got imprinted on my palm was any indication. I'm not kidding. It's been three days, and you can still see the tiny dots going around in two curves. On my palm! Now who in the world would have that happened to them? o.O 

These are just some recent examples to prove how you don't really need to get your brains eaten up, wondering how to seem different. Stop trying. You're already the only piece of you in this world, unless you've resorted to cloning or getting illegal echoes made. Probably whatever you're doing right now (except reading this blog. It's not only you who reads this -_-) has something in it that no one else in the world would have. Feel special already, dude! ^_^

---

Update: I'm so exhausted that it's just the idea of having written a blog post today that's keeping me motivated. It's a Sunday, and I spent the entire day doing some or the other work, the most important of which I haven't even begun! Where do I even start explaining? Probably for the first time in my life, I'm being SO busy (the initial work-time when you get over-excited and take on more work than possible for anyone), that it's just so weird. I don't know how the days pass and I have no idea when I would be able to just chilllllll with a book on a weekend! Speaking of which, I'm not even getting an opportunity to read whatever I want to! Can you believe that? It's because I presently have three things to take care of. All of which require me to read and write and think and be as creative as possible. Plus, all of them have strict deadlines. If that's not mentally exhausting, I don't know what is! I like all of it too, but all I ask is for one day. :| 

I guess I should behave and not fret over it. In fact, the only thing I should be doing right now is to quickly post this and start working, considering the deadline is tomorrow! More than that, I should totally stop thinking about how I just want to sleep. Focus, focus, FOCUS! 

What happened to my love for TFIOS...

*TFIOS - The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

I believe myself to be one of those cranky people who're obsessed with everything absolutely original and genuine. I don't like spoofs, or fan-fiction, or technology that quickens the age-old techniques that made people patient. There's evidence in the way people behave, about how mindless use of everything that we feel makes our lives easier is only making us lazy, unkind, liars and generating such needs we never knew we had. I miss the time I did not have a smartphone, which was only a year ago, yet it seems like ages. It's only a small device, yet it brought so many changes that makes me feel like I've spent a lifetime doing nothing important. It's a difficult realization, because the convenience it gives is too much to let go, so that if you want to reduce the wasteful time, you've got to know how you can avoid it, and work on the way you've figured out.

Anyway, why do I always divert from the essence of the post I'm supposed to write? Back to TFIOS. I don't even like short-forms. I started using TFIOS for The Fault in Our Stars since it became all too common, and I hate myself for succumbing to it. I remember the first year of book blogging. It was the most enriching, lovely and transforming phase in my life when it came to books. I had found a way to express my love for books, share my thoughts, and interact with people who shared the same love. I was one of the few Indian bloggers who had pure, bookish blogs and I was proud. I learned A LOT. I read a lot. And then the phenomenon of book blogging became popular, or I reached my saturation, or there were just too many fellow Indians blogging about the kind of books I hated, that I simply stopped hopping onto other blogs unless they really intrigued me.

During that period when I used to get all excited by the new releases and read lots of YA, The Fault in Our Stars by John Green got amazing reviews. I was naturally entranced by it, although owing to my natural aversion to anything popular, it was a long time before I actually got down to reading it. Just like most of the world, I loved it. I loved it even though it was somewhat a love story (which I find difficult to read), even though it defied all rules of a 'good book' in my criteria. I loved the smartness of Hazel and Augustus's talks, I loved the places they visited and I loved the sadness in it. I was so used to (and preferring) happy endings in novels that I was surprised to find one that wasn't happy, or necessarily hopeful, yet I had loved reading it. I was sure I'd re-read the book a lot many times later on. 

My reader-blogger friends read it as well, and we discussed the book. Looking back, I now feel probably that love was only a phase. Probably. Because then we got news that it was being made into a movie, and were we excited! I was ecstatic. That was still the time when I enjoyed movies from book adaptations. With feelings of anticipation, I watched the trailer, and was immediately disappointed. Now, I don't have any issues with any actor, or people who made the movie or people who're watching and loving it. It's entirely a personal thing. I felt it was too much like a love story, and thinking that movies are commercial and would be molded to fit the audience's interest did nothing to make me feel better about the movie. My reaction at first was, 'This is not the Hazel I imagined. We made plans to watch the movie anyway, but got busy. I was somewhat relieved. I didn't want to watch it anymore. 

The original love spitter-spattered. :|
Pic src: Google images

While the movie was being made and before any visual came out, I was still in awe of the story. I saw a girl in the metro wearing converse shoes themed The Fault in Our Stars blue, with the white clouds and "Okay, Okay" written on them. She told me her friend had made those for her. I admired those shoes and the girl and her friend all the way. I gushed about Gus with a friend for months, and then it all suddenly stopped. I am not sure why, but I partly feel it's because it got too popular, and all sorts of people were seen with that book in the metro. Although I was glad that at least people are reading something good instead of those crappy novels I usually see as popular metro reads, but The Fault in Our Stars then became TFIOS. Everyone knew about it, everyone loved it. Even the wrong sort.

A group of friends(?) planned to watch the movie, knowing, (or most probably not knowing) how much I had loved the book, conveniently forgot including me in their plan to watch it. In all probabilities, I'd have refused, and it most certainly did not matter then, but maybe it did, just a little (that's why it occurred to me to write it here, didn't it?). It made me go away from TFIOS all the more, because I realized that everyone was watching it. Everyone was aware of the story I once read so carefully, tucked into the covers and marking the beautifully written phrases. It ceased to be special, or at least as special as some other stories are. I still haven't brought myself to re-read it, or watch the movie. Probably I won't for a long long time. 

It's a strange obsession, I tell you. One of my closest friends once remarked how I might be missing out on good stories this way; not reading or watching something just because it's popular, or worse, all the people I don't like are gushing about it (read Game of Thrones). I agree, but I know I'll eventually get to those stories sometime. Later on when people have forgotten about it, perhaps. Or maybe I'd make some exceptions that don't even make you feel like you're one of the many, like Harry Potter. It's not easy, especially not in my now-adopted profession, because I'd need to read as many popular things as I can get my hands on. But essentially, my nature stays the same: I want all the amazing books to be read and loved, but I don't know how, because when they do get popular, I sometimes feel uneasy, like a special part of myself has been opened and taken by random strangers. 

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Hiya peepul! I haven't re-read this post, but if it came out as gloomy or whatever, please don't take it like that. I'm totally cool, like always. *_* I've missed posting on my blog for so long! *wails like a banshee* I've promised a friend I'd put up a tutorial for making papier mache objects, but it's still not written. Will do that next, in all probabilities! What's been up with you guys? :D        

How not to be taken for a ride..

Don't think literally, though. Because if the ride's a convertible and the driver is friendly, I'd suggest you jump at the opportunity! But I'm talking metaphorically today, so what I mean to say is, you cannot and should not do anything that doesn't make you happy (parental rules excluded), especially if it's something "for" other people. In our world, particularly where I live, we have this "tradition" of treating people lower to us in power like muck. I'm sure you'd have been a victim of such power play at least once in your lifetime, just a handful of times if you're lucky. 

You might not be verbose in your demeanour, but don't let that seem like you're easy to fool. There will be many who, in the name of 'professionalism' would look at material benefits rather than human emotions and preferences. It's not entirely the fault of such people, sometimes it's just the way they've seen the world around them go and they genuinely believe that it's the only, and the right way. However, it's important to know that there do exist people who've the capability and inner will to look beyond the "only" way. A normal person might not like how he is treated, but he'd take it as it is because it's the only way he's known. A learned, strong person would have a belief, he would feel empowered from within, not caring about the usual, "what would people say?" and behave in the way he feels comfortable.

You've got to respect yourself and the first and most important way to do that is to believe in your own self. Most of the people who are easy to take for a ride, to be taken for granted are not aware of their own power, or their rights. Just because they're not used to thinking about it. Spend time knowing yourself better, be aware of your capabilities and limitations. Know what you're not comfortable with and never, ever settle for anything you don't want. 

Be firm. If you believe what you're doing/saying/standing for is right, don't lose your stance. There will be many who'd try to influence you, but you've got to stay put. And really, the so-called "consequences" are just petty and small in the long run and would in no way affect your happiness, or the lack of it. Someone got upset because you said "no"? It's their problem. They lack understanding and have higher expectations than necessary. Stop worrying about it, because there would be ten more people who're constantly worried about saying 'no' to something and they will definitely look up to you and take inspiration. Be a motivator. Be strong.

Src: wikihow.com

I've previously also mentioned how I feel we are experts at complicating our lives, just because we worry too much about other people and their feelings and their reactions (a note to my friends: yeah I know, this is such a hypocritical statement :P). How about for a change, you think about your feelings first? Only the dumb ones would be hurt by your decisions and you'd do better to be in smart, strong company. It's not as difficult as it's made out to be. Because it always takes time. Things seem complicated because they tend to extend over a period of time and we lack the faith for things to turn out okay. Looking back and connecting the dots, we realize how simple it really was. But well, it's human to feel like that. It's okay. Just accept it as a phase and live it through. Why get over-stressed about it?

Another important thing to remember is to always speak up. If you feel something's wrong, say it. If you keep mum about it, they're going to shower their injustice again. Better to tell them they're wrong. If they accept it, that's an awesome job done. If they don't, it's good that you're out of their system. Be glad about it. This reminds me of the song Brave by Sara Barielles. Listen to it if you haven't. :)

Being with yourself, spending a little time suspended, away from noise would give you a sense of being. It's really peaceful, if not important to experience. It gives you perspective. If you are at terms with your own self, it becomes easier for others to interpret you to some extent and considering how dynamic human nature is, that does mean a lot. Keep smiling, look at your family pictures from years before your birth, make plans for how you'd want your future to be and work on self-improvement. Be driven and motivated. Help those who aren't as strong willed or able as you are. Stop worrying about people because like someone said, they're all going to die. You would too, so live well. 

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That's all for the gyaan. I know I've been AWOL from this precious place, even though I had been dying to update y'all. I'm DONE with my Masters! Yoo Hoo! Five straight years in college. Can you believe that? Now all I've got to do is settle for something "I" like. It'll take some time, but I'd do it. At least I know what I'm looking for. I'm on a restful break right now, trying to recuperate recover from the college shock life. :P So far I've mostly slept, seen myself getting fat(ter), read some, reviewed some, caught up with family and relatives, cooked a dish for the first time (which surprisingly, turned out awesome *_* ) and re-made plans and ideas about what I want to do now. 

Apart from the boring, serious things, I wish to learn painting, convert that huge cardboard box that I've been saving in G's room since forever, into a storage area for books, get back to creative photography, spending time experimenting with new techniques and use the tools I have to their optimum! There's so much to do! I never say my life's easy. If you've been a regular reader, you'd know it's been anything but easy. But still, I always want to go back somewhere (in my case, this blog being one of such places) where I am reminded of my own self, where I remember who I am and how I should be feeling great. I think everyone should have something that makes them smile and remember, something that inspires them. I hope you've found something like that. :)

PS- Just by the way, I "kinda" have an idea for a TT post. Be ready for next Thursdayyy! ;)