Mixed Signals...

Before any intelligent person sues me for plagiarism, I'll tell you myself that the title isn't mine. I read a Nancy Drew book with this name, once upon a time. The feelings are the same though. If you've known me or read this blog long enough, you'd know how I do not like this word: 'change'. Honestly speaking, it makes me uncomfortable. Ironically, I like how I learn something new every single day, and the way in which small new things unfurl themselves, changing right before my eyes, I can't help but feel that sense of wonder, the one that makes you stop and look at things and really admire the tiny stuff you otherwise would never notice. 

For example (as usual going completely astray from what I intended to write), I seem to be noticing a lot of tiny things during the day, most days. People, for one. If I find someone fascinating, I have a hard time keeping my eyes off that person, which is something I need to work on. I mean, looking at people just because you find them interesting? Makes you look creepy :P I wish someone invented special eye gear so that it seems like you're interested in whatever's happening around you (like in a class) but you can actually take your eyes anywhere and observe for as long as you like. I swear, I could write a whole person if only I could. ;) 

Pic courtesy: Google ji!

Apart from people, I think I have this weird fascination for just about anything. Airplanes fly overhead and I have to look. Even if the sky has a plane flying every two minutes, if I hear it, I have to see it. Then the other day I was so bored, I actually counted the number of tiles on a portion of the cemented ground (one hundred sixty something!), that too from three storeys above. These days I love not talking to anyone much (yes, even less than usual), preferring to listen to music or observing simple plants and building structures, the clouds and the ground, and just about everything. God! Either I'm too wella or totally disconnected from the real world, which is something that happens when I have too much non-sense work, so much so that I refuse to do it at all (yes you guessed it right, like right now!)

Coming back to the point, our lives aren't really all that simple, are they? I mean, yes they are, in a way. Sometimes I feel it's all black and white, yes or no, love or hate, either I like something or I don't, either I'll talk to someone a lot or not at all, either I'll like a person totally and think (read dream) about awesome scenarios and the next moment, I'll get upset with one small thing they did/said and get sad over how pathetic life can be, that I can't even get to talk or know more about one single person! I mean, it gets so confusing! It's like I'm living my teenage years all over again. The confusion, the way I can totally lose it at the drop of a hat, the sudden liking/disliking, grudges, pain, then the next moment filled with laughter, butterflies and smiles. 

Exactly!

As if there isn't enough confusion in the world already, people have to behave so complicated too. I don't just 'get it' why anyone would act fake. Just be what you are, say what you mean, love who you want. Why can't it be simple enough? Where does it get hard? I fail to understand. It just makes it harder for me as well, to try to figure out what the other wants, what they feel, if they mean what they say. I may seem 'arrogant', but at least I'm honest. And true. If I like you enough, I'd make efforts to talk to you, to get to know you better, trying to make you like me as well. True, it would hurt if they don't reciprocate, it would hurt real bad, but at least I'd know that I made a move, a bit of an effort. Better than regrets.

It's sometimes hard to get my head wrapped around this concept. I mean, even J.K. Rowling kept 'love' as the main message behind Harry Potter. It's not so hard, really. Just forget what people will say, go ahead and talk, make some noise, do what you want, love everyone, tell people if you love them, it's more important than loving from a distance, wish your parents a nice goodnight each night with a hug and a kiss, hate less, if you don't like anything, ignore it! Leave it, the end! 

Isn't life about you? About how you want to live it? What's wrong with wanting to stay out of cities, in fascinating places, meeting nice people, having fun, loving those you want in your life, not thinking about those things that've been deeply ingrained in our minds already? Career, jobs and the monotonous stuff? I still haven't been able to think of these as *very* important. Probably because I'm not facing much of a problem and maybe I don't know about how it is necessary for survival for some people. Maybe. But it still doesn't change for me. There's a concept of the way I wish to lead my life, to live, that I have in my head, a picture that keeps on changing everyday, adding even more fascinating stuff each time I think something different. Why then, does it seem so 'weird' to you? To me, it doesn't. And I promise you, at the end, I know what matters is my own choice and I'll do it all. I just hope I don't lose this craziness streak by the time I'm ready. On second thoughts, I don't think I'll lose it. Much. I'm getting crazier everyday as it is! :P

Someone take me here already!!!

PS- Oh God. Is it just me or really, I've just written such a load of...... what? I'm-so-sleepy-and-going-crazy-counting-all-the-work-I'm-supposed-to-do and still I decide to type randomly whatever comes to my mind? Yep, it seems like it. Dear new readers, I'm usually not this insane. Please excuse this sudden bout of mental-ness. 

PPS- Such a morose mood can always be made better with a Mom-made steaming cup of nicely made coffee! :D