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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

What I now know...

... and maybe I already did, but you can only learn without experience up to a limit. Then you're faced with different situations and you realize and accept things much better than how you did before. It's just that age thing, isn't it? Some things you just understand when it's 'time'. When I started writing on this blog, I was an energetic, excited, protected, fun-loving, eager-to-participate kind of a girl, fresh into college, wondering why one of my closest college friends didn't seem too happy, or as excited as I was about college. She said she didn't like the 'people' and the negatives emanating from them drained her. She even went on to say that "I" am the reason she's able to stay. I don't know if she would read this, but I have to say that it is now that I understand how she felt. I loved that college, more than what I showed and maybe it's because the present one makes me feel like the way she felt back then. I know now. I also know, or let's say, I understand these as well:

1. You know how there are some people who're kind of dominating? The ones who suck out your energy because the way they look at you contrasts with what they speak, and it's unnerving. Sometimes they're just mean, the bad thing being they don't realize it and the worst of it being when they do know it, yet they'd still deliberately make someone feel bad about themselves, or not participate in their happiness, or visibly show they don't like them. This scared me at first, wondering what kind of a conscience they might have. Do they even have it? Why isn't it capable of killing them from the inside? And I know it doesn't, because they continue living in their self-created high bubble, among other similar meanies who know nothing better than to simply follow the leader, because they forgot they have their own brains. Well done, meanies. Now I just feel sorry for you, for the immense lack of understanding about people and emotions you have, because you're just so self-centered. 
They make others feel like this sometimes. :|

2. Victims of such psychological bullying may experience a shift in their personality, not necessarily a happy shift, and one which involves them losing their confidence, interests in activities they liked, hatred for people, a reluctance to talk to new people. They lose friends because meanies, making full use of the 'smart' tactics and the fact that people are vulnerable when tensed and are totally fickle minded, are able to successfully bad-mouth those who're totally unaware of it. The even smarter ones might not bad-mouth them, but would anyway make the rest feel someone else is just not good, or right, or nice enough. Another thing I noticed was how your behaviour towards a certain person can shift dramatically because someone close to you shifts their behaviour too. 
Meaning, you make the rest into meanies too. BAD influence.

Consider this example: I've always seen my parents being 'nice' to people. Never a rude word or impoliteness. I was scolded when I even said, "I hate.. so and so". Mom practically got a shock, saying how you can't really "hate" someone, it is such a wrong thing to do. I decided trying to work around it, to see only the good in people and I did succeed to some extent. Anyway, that's a different point. A few days ago I saw dad pass only a half-hearted smile to a neighbour, and even that shocked me because I always expected him to be nice. I asked, half-angrily why he didn't greet him properly and he said how he doesn't like their habit of always parking wrong, despite reminders. The point is, I don't like to see them being rude, I wonder how many times did their heart feel sad to see me talking like that. Now whenever I see that neighbour, despite trying to not think about it, I do get a glimpse of his personality clouded by the fact that he never listens to the parking problems. See? I don't even know his name and I'm judging him. See how meanies can affect someone's image in the same way? I understand now how this works.

3. There's this teacher we have, a visiting faculty, who intrigues me somehow with the simple, people-based things he talks about and makes those as the basis for teaching the otherwise mundane subjects. Once in a class he made a comment about mean people. Or those who dominate to work their way up, making others feel like hell in the process. He said they're actually quite insecure. And the way insecure people work is that they make others feel insecure about themselves and use it to feel better themselves. I've compared this statement with some meanies. With the recent inability/disinterest in talking at all, I've observed more than ever and it seems to be quite true. You see it in the way they'd look. 'Expressions' are called expressions for a reason. They tell you 90% of the things that are unspoken and also when what one says is conflicting with what they feel.

4. You behave differently in front of people you're not comfortable with and those with whom you gel well. I know, it's obvious, but there's more to it. You even behave differently with strangers when you're alone and when you're with someone you "have" to be with but you're not the buddy-buddy kind. They dominate you. Think about it. Imagine one person who may be in your college, a classmate you feel those negative vibes with, but you're just going somewhere work-related with them. You meet a stranger, maybe someone coming up to you to ask if you know the place they're looking for. If you'd been alone, you'd have felt more 'free' and like your own self and you'd have smiled wide and helped them. If you're with the meanie, you'd feel self-conscious because that's how pathetically they make you feel. You'd mumble something and look away as soon as the stranger left. 

There's this saying, 'people won't remember what you did for them, but they'll always remember how you made them feel'. I couldn't agree more, because you do remember. That's the way you remember people. Think about your school. You remember the bully with a frown because he made you feel bad back then, you remember your best friend with a smile, or even that sweet, helpful girl in class because she was always polite to you and made you feel respected. 

5. This is something that needs to go out as a message, because some people don't just realize it. It is **extremely** important to express your feelings or your thoughts when someone does something and is expecting it. People aren't telepathic, they won't know what you think unless you say it. Most of all when it is expected. *Biggest examples*: Go back to what you learned in Kindergarten. Say 'please', 'sorry' and 'thank you'. Often. USE these words to express your wish, your guilt, your gratitude. "Gratitude" is what you should feel, not jealousy or hatred. Someone passes you a water bottle, say Thankyou. You make someone wait for longer, say a Sorry and mean it! If you're asking someone to pick up your chai from the canteen, have the courtesy to ask with a Please, instead of ordering them around. People don't really mind doing these little things, but the way you say it makes a difference. I know it now.

Though I don't mean that you say it to make them happy and get the work done, not really meaning it yourself. Because there would be some people not giving a damn to someone's existence but would come running with fake puppy-pathetic faces asking for help with extended 'please's and 'thankyou's. Not cool. Not cool at all.

But I also know that the way to deal with meanies is to not give them any kind of satisfaction, or the illusion that they've succeeded. No matter what happens, you have to forget they made you feel bad, you have to get over it asap because it is only you who's going to get affected and learn to block them out as much as you can. You realize that some people are just not the effort, or your time. You may have still been kind and good, trying to make things better yourself, but sometimes it's just not worth it because some people aren't going to change. Those who do, well and good. But if they don't, learn to ignore (and this works best) and talk to those who make you feel better. Indulge in activities you liked, it may be harder but think about it: no one can make you lose interest in things you love. How can you let them? Be persistent, be focused, ignore the small talk, focus on the big picture and move on. Life is beautiful, cut the weeds out of it as frequently and clearly as possible. :) Keep smiling. :D


I hope you survived the emotional ride and made it here. I always focused on posting energetic, happy stuff on the blog, wanting to make this a place where people connect and feel good about themselves and their lives, just by knowing there's someone just like them out here, not afraid to talk about her life. I restricted myself from posting serious stuff like this, but then I really wanted to share these thoughts and since they're a part of me, the not-so-perfect life I have, it's just to say I'm just an ordinary person trying to lead a simple, ordinary life, which in itself is quite extraordinary these days, don't you think? ;) This too, is a part of me. :)

PS- I haven't been referring to anyone as such. Nor have I been the victim in all cases. This is the result of being quiet lately and observing more than ever. :D Agree on any of these?


  1. You are finally out of your writer's block and I feel this time you are more in touch with yourself and you are writing it out. Happy for you! :-)
    Anyways, coming to the post...I agree with you on almost everything.
    Yes, there are people who would try to make you feel bad...may be they don't want you to feel bad but they certainly don't realize that they are doing so...sometimes they make you conscious. I can make a whole post about it as you get some people at your workplace who do so. I have a colleague who constantly does that. At times, I let her "succeed" at times, I don't. Now even I realise that it is indeed important to make them understand how you feel. it IS important.
    Agreed with you- that you should know how to get over it as its only you who would get affected. I am doing it all the time. or should I say...I am just not bothered most of time. I love my work. :) It helps.
    I want to write more here...but you have this no copy code in your blog....and I'll have to write a lot cause I have to quote leaving it right now..*we'll discuss over phone* ;) ;)

    1. Priyuu!! :D
      Thankyou, thankyou! :* I'm indeed happy too, and I don't bother anymore, who's got the time anyway? :P

      I'm glad you're aware of how to tackle them. It was new to me maybe and it became like a setback, but lessons learned and mistakes identified. *Sigh* yep I'm out of the block now and I'm too happy! :D EEP! :D

      We can always discuss and talk more on it ;)
      Thanks again! :)
      Love and hugs! <3

  2. can't be just mere feels like yours are from 80 years of experience...agree a lot with you..especially the thing that selfish people are often insecure ones and secondly 'thank you' and 'sorry' are really powerful constructive words.

    1. Haha! 80 years? No no, I'm just 21 :P
      Yep, I *immensely* believe in these words. They mean a lot to me :)
      Thanks for reading! :)

  3. Wowww...!! Ashna, That was the thing i needed right now.. You know, what i've been going through lately, by reading this i'm feeling that giving attention to such people & nd such thoughts makes a negative impact on ourselves only, not on them. Toh, why to make our lives mess for the people who don't even care.

    Well, i've been reading your blogs from few weeks now but all were fiction, but this time the feelings & things that go all around is clearly reflected in this post, that to awesomely..!! Superb.. <3 <3 :) :D

    Love, to you..!! :P :D

  4. Hey Ashna!! This post covers one aspect of my hatred for people :P And a big one... Mean people, bullies, those hiding their insecurity under the veil of superiority & boastfulness... I'm absolutely with you on this... Especially on the negative vibes from negative people that start getting on your nerves. It's caustic really and it grows on you.
    shift in your behaviour? Been there... Remember that one time we were talking about intimidating people? Y'know sometimes I think these people purposely portray themselves because you know it is a fact that we don't get intimidated by all the people who seem more knowledgeable or smarter than us, we admire them or look upto them. I really don't understand this... Making others feel bad just so you can be on the top of the world.
    oh and yes, It is important to say thank you, sorrys and the alike, it's basic etiquette and those are the simplest words that can mend anything. I find it absurd even when someone says 'Friends Mei sorry or thank you nai boltei'. Why? It's something I won't ever get... It's not formality, it's respect and it shows that you aren't taking the other's emotions for granted.

    Now lastly. The fact if life is, we are and will always be surrounded by people who'll try to bring us down, be it by dominating or by their rudeness or the alike. We can't control that, we can't modify people. What we can do is to make ourselves stronger. Two mantras that I'm currently working on to incorporate in my life:
    "Don't let the muggles ger you down" and "The lesser you give a f***, the happier you'll be" ;) It works. And in this darker shade of life can only be survived if we teach ourselves the "art" of not fretting and moving on...

    Don't let the morons get on you or lessen even 1% of your awesomeness. No one's worth your happiness or attitude. Morons will be morons :P

  5. Know what Ashna, like you said, mean people and bullies are the insecure, very insecure indeed. And so I found in the case of this one particular person when I seriously thought as to why he was like how he was, making fun of people, saying unpleasant things and indulging in such actions which made people feel like they were crap. As it happened, I found that he was deeply insecure and maybe wanted approval of some kind and that is why he did it all.

    But what do you do about it once you find why that person is so mean and a bully. Mostly, as preetika said, you don't give a f***(I seriously hope those three stars don't stand for 'art', because that would be like, not very good. You might even have to visit the doctor in that case :P okay back to seriousness) So yeah, mostly you don't give a f***, and that works out pretty well. But when it doesn't you'll have to pull up your pants and follow the muggle rule. Stand up to their crap. And just once would be enough. Once you express properly, in action or in words that you seriously don't like the bullshit they've been carrying since forever, they would come to realise that you're no easy prey, and they'll. If by any chance(excuse my preachy-ness please) this doesn't work, then pray to God to give you more strength. Cause God can only help the hopeless cases.

    About feeling a shift in the personality thing. I say, again what you said at the end of the post. You really don't have to give them any attention. But DON'T DO IT because you don't want to give them any satisfaction, that's gonna make you sad still, DO IT because you really don't care. I have two ears, I use them as a path in these cases, and I have two eyes, I use them to identify the non meany people around me so that I can have an escape when the meanies decide to use me as a darting board.

    As for the not so mean but rather stupid streak in people to not say Please, Thank You, Sorry and such, well somebody got to teach them all this since their schooling miserably failed. But then again, somebody. Not necessarily you ;)

    Thanks for writing this post Ashna. Smile. :)

  6. I don't know why, but it reminded me of Sonal Kalra's weekly column in HT City.

  7. There are so many things that I'm feeling now a days. Myriad epiphanies.
    But as you said, its mostly the serious stuff you wouldn't want to talk about on your blog, so I just end up scribbling things in my diary, and sharing things with close people.
    What you have written here is one such thing I always wanted to write about. About the meanies :P Kudos for putting it down Ashna! :D

    Seen quite a lot lately, can't help but smile at them. :P

  8. hey Ashna..this is my first visit..and luckily landed into a post that is relevant to my present situation that Im undergoing..
    as you said we can ignore as we are being affected.. but if it happens everyday as part of our routines...then whats the i ignore, tomorrow again i ignore but what about everyday...Ashna..

    I havent been like this before my marriage..but after my marriage...its totally a different world for me..that i am not able to accept many things that disturbs my mind every single day of my life.....

    as a vent out I BLOG...and more than that nothing else i could do on this..

    sorry for a long comment..but as its relevant i wanted to share my thoughts..

    BTW your blog is cute as you and so your writing dear...



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