Bridget's diary (D)
Here's a list of some things you cannot do:
1. Oh well, heck with a list. I just had one point in mind and I'm not going to cook up a few more just so this looks a little less than a very bad entry.
Anyway D, you agree with me, right, when I say you cannot have everything according to how you want it? Of course you need to consider other people's wishes, needs and comfort levels as well. Is that possibly a reason I'm so anti-social? I have no problem with other people living their lives, having fun. They can do just about whatever. Unless it comes close to my life, including the people I'm close to. Then I can be painfully vicious, though not at the surface. See, this is how it goes: I notice a ripple in my perfectly smooth lake of life and I'm disturbed. I don't like changes, especially if it's for something I really like. It would be then that I would blurt out stuff, half of which I don't even mean, which doesn't make sense even to me, as if it came out just because of that reason- to come out.
And then the one I believe is a comrade-for-life (though not exactly 'one'. I'm quite disgusted at myself for my insane 'quality'-if you could call it that-to have trusted and had that trust crushed innumerable times), reaches his/her patience limit- a little too quickly, I think - and there! The explosion that rocks me off the deck and hauls me overboard. Okay, not that dramatic. I mean, it's then that maybe something snaps and they get back with a rude word or say things you know but don't want to hear? Like how it is you yourself that is the problem. That's when I feel my heart sink. There goes another one of my precious relations. Except for the fact that nothing seems to change on the surface. It's as if the ripple wasn't even there.
But the point is, I'm not vicious at all, D. The plain truth is just this! I'm scared. Insecure. I need my 'trustees', even if it is only one, to be a little more patient with me. C'mon, you know this D! If I'm willing to do and bear just about anything, if any one of them needs something: a person who'd just listen, someone who might help, who may offer some genuine advice, don't I always get on with the role? There's hardly any hesitation. Then why can't I just have someone who wouldn't lose their cool if I'm being a little bit difficult? I swear, I think people run by their own personal whims and fancies. Got bored of one? Go talk to another. Wrong.
You cannot just say whatever comes to your heart, all that you are feeling. You cannot have that satisfaction, the one where you finally speak out your heart, all your thoughts and beliefs and fears and apprehensions and still have the other one love/like/admire/respect you in the same way. Instead they'll snap and turn the tables on you. I think, D, it's kind of like, bullying? Minus doing it deliberately. It is deliberate, but it's so ingrained in us that we don't give our behaviour a thought. There might be something wrong with me, and I don't know what. And the worst part is, there's no one to help. No one listens. The moment they listen, they lash out. And with each lash, D, my heart sinks lower. Just like the boat that drowned, because just like the boat, I may have lost my captain.
Though, I'm really grateful I learned to read and write. That is one form of expression I'm most comfortable with. I love you, D! Maybe more so because you do the 'listening' job pretty well. :) And I trust you completely.
My Dear Bridget
I love you too. While I'm glad I'm your supposedly, only supporter, I'm afraid I won't be able to diagnose the problem. That you need to manage with human help, someone more physical. Please help yourself Bridget, it's the only way. At least to begin with.
All the best!
Is this the most morose story or what? Looks like the diary entry of a completely lost person. I hope Bridget is able to find the right coordinates, and navigate her way back to the right track. Oh my God. I just created a character! Hello Bridget, whose name-I-chose-in-half-a-second-as-it-was-the-first-to-come-to-mind. I hope I get more stuff to write about you. :D