When will you know what's for you?

Strange things happen to people, and we've all got our own ways of dealing with them. Some of us are so used to perfection and clarity that a little deviation from that state creates anxiety. I'm one of those, horrible at 'adjusting' to new situations and people. I have a feeling this weird 'characteristic' leads me into strange situations, more than any other thing.

How and when do you really know when something is just right for you? Something so amazing might come your way and with the initial inhibitions, you might even do it reasonably well, but you're never happy or comfortable about it, sometimes without reason. And when you do know the reason, it sounds so lame to you that you can't even manage to tell anyone, because you'd be in for a lecture that begins with 'don't be such a fool!'

You might even be having an internal monologue that goes like this:

What if I want to take chances? What if something reasonably amazing on the surface is with me, but I just don't feel I'd like it? God forbid, what if it even leads me to believe that I'd never be as good as the rest? I think I'd know what isn't for me when it comes, but then, I'm too worried thinking about how it makes me look, rather than how it makes me feel. And ever since I did try focusing on accepting only that which made me happy, I've been looked at like a non-achiever and someone who makes silly decisions. 

So what if I'm having trouble figuring it out? I'm not used to it and it'll take time. Why will it be so wrong even if I make a mistake? Maybe the timing isn't right. It would have been a lot better if maybe it came at a later stage in life. Right now, it's not possible for me to handle it. It makes me shrink, it makes me nervous and I just don't want it. 

After spending days worrying and nights nightmare-ing about something you shouldn't even be stressing SO much about, you start feeling more hopeful. But that hope will die. Family would help you, friends would and sometimes even strangers might make you feel better, but you'll go back to your own head in the end and in all likelihood if you want to remain sane, you'd listen to your heart and not what would be considered 'an immense opportunity'. 

Well, I'm willing to not do something because the truth is, I'm scared. And I don't want to fight. It should be okay to give in sometimes, just for the sake of your mental state. If I'm okay with being a Kindergarten kid sometimes, it should really be okay. I'll take it up happily when I know it is for me. Right now, it just isn't.

PS- Why do I always find myself in the weirdest, awkwardest situations??? You guys wouldn't believe what's going on if I told you (that's just exactly why I'm not :P )

Whatsup???

This is the one one-word question I fail to answer, except with a copied-from-others' 'nothing much' or the lame 'fan', 'sky' and whatever I see when I look up. Who even invented this word, an adaptation of which is a fabulous chat messenger app? Anyway, I'm not really going to discuss this word, or any word for that matter. It's just been ages since I came here and even though I don't have a fantastic plan for a mind-blowing post, I figured I'd put in an update.   

I've mostly been home ever since I escaped finished college, going out only for small errands or to visit a friend/relative. Even though I am really exhausted having spent years going out every day (and you have to admit the past two years were particularly brutal), I miss the activity, mostly because I am one person who cannot feel at peace unless I'm doing something I feel is useful. It's not that I've been rotting at home. There have been some useful things I managed to do, and some things are part of a long process so they happen every day (like the job search and ridiculous conversations with the inner self, trying to figure out how to step out into the world), but even then, I kind of miss having to do assignments. o.O Am I full of irony or what? The kind of education we have always seemed dreary to me, but I'm fond of learning. And work. I want assignments. :| 

To stay away from being idle and having my head circling over the job search (who knew it was such a pain and getting to see such fake, over-confident profiles on LinkedIn?), one of the things I did was to sign up for three courses on coursera.org. It's an interesting site and the way they have everything "scheduled" and require students to submit assignments on time and everything, it feels good! The last three weeks were busy and a lot of fun, with a cousin’s wedding and then another little cousin’s birthday that we all planned. Since they were staying at our place, it wasn’t empty like it is on usual days, and with two amazing kids in the house who love to play cute, fun games, it was like a vacation spent at home.

I managed to write a little too (*grins sheepishly for not yet completing the last TT story*), but reading and writing have been low on the agenda for a while now. I’m trying to get those back on track though, or else I know my life wouldn’t be on the happiness path anytime soon! What do you think, how right is it to ask for your old life back? I miss being the I-don’t-care person I used to be. Despite losing a valuable loved one, I was still coping and happy. It’s like it’s fallen apart again and I’m having to re-do myself completely. They say we should accept the changes and move on, but you can't help wishing for the home to be full of talk and laughter again, to wake up and not worry about what you're going to tell people who think you're wasting your time because you left a job you didn't want. You still wish for courage and motivation you had, the effortless way you could write, the rigorous reading sessions you indulged in, the friends who left because of an illness. 

You look at old photographs and remember snippets of your past life that was a hundred times carefree than it is now. You wish for a laughter that isn't scared of waking up those who don't want it. You miss being bold, confident and just "you". You curse the systems and people who you feel pushed you into being who you've become, and then feel angry at yourself because you allowed it. I don't think it's wrong to feel like that. It's your life and your right to make it the way you want.

Things aren’t as strong as these words sound though. :P It’s cool. I guess it’s just a little lazy lately. I’ve piled up quite a bit of work for myself so I can spend time oozing out creativity, which I’d missed so much the past two whole years! I tried the pulp method in papier mache to make bangles and keychains.

 

A similar pink heart became a
keychain!

Bangles *_*

The bangles came out pretty good, for a first timer. They weren’t really smooth, but they looked pretty nevertheless. I gifted them to an amazing lady who is a God-send and always manages to make me feel a lot of things, the top-most being loved, respected, inspired, motivated and happy. The key chains went to a friend, and two of those kiddies at home. I’ve been thinking of getting more into crafts and learning new things to create. It’d be a good use of my time and I know I’d enjoy it. By the way, would you guys like to see short posts on the craft projects? I’m thinking of making some, like a couple of them I’ve done previously (the demon mask project and the wall painting one).

On another note, I’m having a hard time dealing with the fact that I’m 7 books behind schedule according to Goodreads. I mean, so hawww! Please suggest some nice, hard-to-keep-down books so I can catch up!   

PS- My new addiction: Playing UNO online because the kiddies have gone back and I’ve no one to play with! :P