Let go.

*Fiction*

Sophie fought hard to keep her eyes closed in concentration, picturing only her and keeping all else out of her mind, her hands clenched into fists so tight that it hurt. She didn't notice how her fingernails cut across her soft palms, sure to cause marks that wouldn't be going away anytime soon. Yes, she had the vision. Now all she had to do was pinpoint her negative energy in that direction and cause damage. Thanks to the Supreme Council, she had her powers promoted and it took just a mere thought (with a lot of focus, of course) to let her do things her way. 

Come on, she thought. Just a thought, is all it takes! However, a feeling crawled up her skin that was becoming quite a regular in her body. Guilt. When had she become like this? She wasn't accustomed to feeling such intense hatred, that too out of jealousy. Coupled with anger, helplessness and a pathetic kind of sadness, it was a horrible conflict of emotions which she couldn't fathom. In her confusion and a sudden surge of hot anger, she had decided to use her powers. To harm. And it was scary, as she was known to be a genial person. Non-violent. Why was she even bothered? It would only harm her soul, tarnish it with something she didn't deserve.

But then, what Sophie was getting, she didn't deserve that either. For all she knew, she was way better than many people, character wise. She couldn't think of deliberately hurting anyone, and she loved her friends deeply. Ugh, she thought. It's no use. Mentally cursing her fate, she wondered how it was so unfair. In all eternity of her being, she had to feel that way for someone, for the first time. No doubt it was a wonderful feeling, and they'd shared a lot of stuff as friends and she liked him. Fact. But lately, there was her. That little sticky cocklebur who never left any opportunity to latch herself onto him. Eww, Sophie. What are you thinking? Since when did you start thinking like this? 

If he clearly was good friends with her, she couldn't really do anything about it, right? No, she wasn't going to start "playing" any games or anything. She just had to learn to let go. Hadn't she read so many stories, most of which had underlying meanings that stressed on the power of love? The power of forgiveness? She was a person good at heart. She had to ignore the bad stuff, the dumb people, even more so the stupid things they unknowingly do. Immature. Or whatever.

Sophie opened her eyes to a hazy world and blinked rapidly to clear her vision. She became aware of a faint pain in her palms, and saw Gale stroking it comfortingly. 'Thank you', she murmured. Gale turned her to face him, remembering how stubborn she can be. Being her older brother, he knew her well. He took in a breath and spoke softly, as if willing his whisper to nudge her stubborn soul, " You are a great person, Sophie. But painfully loving. You can give all your love to those you care about, but you have to understand that the world doesn't work like that. You can't own people, you can't stop someone you like from liking someone else, unless you make it clear about how you feel, which you won't do. I know it hurts, it hurts real bad. But you have to understand that it's not the end of the world. There will be a million more things, that will strike you and make you feel discontented. You just have to work out which ones you can choose to ignore. There will still be some that you'll have to bear, it's just a part of what it is and you won't have a choice. Be strong. Still share your love, love so strongly that it overshadows your hurt. You never know when it'll help you drown out the sadness. Please Sophie. Don't taint your new powers with a negative spell. You know it'll permanently damage your soul too. Please, let go."

And believe it or not, she did.

***

This is one crappy piece. And you don't have to say it's not. I began with the aim of creating a story, with a well defined character and I suppose that character was going to get hurt real bad. But I realized I didn't want to do that (I mean, just because my mood was morose is no reason to hurt a poor character, right?). Hence, this something that's so incomplete. I hope I get the time to actually write what's in my mind and not random stuff like this :P

PS- ^ All that is a lie. I was reading a book where the protagonist was called Sophie and while reading, I envisioned this scene, feeling this is how it would turn out. But it didn't, and I liked this version too, so I decided to write it down! 

Just being me...

... is so not easy. Really. It's also confusing, but I suppose it's more because of what I perceive from people around me. What they say, the way they behave, the things they said they'd do but then don't do it. It was far more easier when I was small and fearless, having only to interact with the limited janta in school or the neighbourhood. It was only when, entering college that first day (Alone. When everyone came with their parents on Orientation. See? I thought I could do anything back then! Jhansi ki Rani! :P) I realized how vastly different people can be. And it sort of confuses you, right? You start losing the sense of who you really are (okay, maybe you also get to finally know you are, but still). You know you want something, but looking at what others are getting, you pause, uncertain, doubting if what you really wanted is what you really want. Don't you start doubting yourself? We can look at the positive side of it and say we get more options and a wider perception and all such philosophical stuff. Even then, you have to admit, it is definitely confusing.

Being totally candid (because caring about what anyone else would think? I stopped doing that a loongg while ago), I'd type down a little bit about myself, the way I register things and events and maybe even people. It may just help me discover stuff I hadn't thought about before and I need a place to write this down.

The first and the most important is the way I think. I'm 21 going on 22 and getting my thought process, perception and ideas molded every day, but the basic foundation is the same. I've had people call me a kid, an innocent little girl, and I think maybe it is true. Because yes, I have that sense of wonder for every damn thing. If I see something that interests me (which can be practically anything. Even the tiles on the floor) I'd start having questions about it. It's not the "whys" that bother me, it's the "hows". I keep it simple. I do not understand (and I really mean it) why or how people can think of ways to behave so as to make something happen to someone else or cook up schemes. I mean, I cannot even cook a papad! Or do you bake a papad? I don't even know what we do with a papad, forget about people! What I do know is that we must be true. What-the-hell-ever happens! Be true to yourself and to the people you love. Even with others, please keep a smile. You never know who needs one and you could just have made a rotten day better for a stranger!

There are a lot of things I love. If not love, at least like. My pillow, all the pillows in the house, all the books ever printed (okay, maybe except that trash published under the lame excuse of 'contemporary'- applicable only to some particular books I have in mind, which I wouldn't mention), the birds in the morning, the sun and the moon and the grass and the plants, the way someone smiles, the way some people talk, the mess in my wardrobe, the careful collection in my scrapbook, the monuments I've seen and all those that exist, the perfume I received as a gift, the song(s) dedicated to me, little kids being innocent, smiles on babies, guys who smile....a lot, guys who aren't materialistic and have the sensitivity for nature and the zeal for adventure, people who make others laugh, smells and scents of a lot of things (told you before I'm a smell elemental ;) ) and practically almost everything! But when I dislike something, it's for certain I wouldn't like it to a great extent, ever.  I hate making jokes criticizing someone or something. But I do love giving my thoughts and opinions when you seek it.

That's me. The white one ;)

I know I'm good. I'm honest and lies scare the hell out of me. I don't deliberately want to hurt anyone, ever. I do see it when someone's being a jerk and cheating and doing one of those so-called-clever-but-actually-idiotic things like acting in a certain way or doing a certain something just to make something happen that favours them. Girls do this a lot and I hate it. Happens in 'guy-wars'. The clever ones would deliberately, for instance, say something to them first even when someone else thought of it, strategically place themselves so that they're close to them at all times, won't let anyone else talk personal to them and other such nonsense that gets me worried about the sanctity of it all. I mean, doesn't this seem like a 'competition'? The actually good ones are at a disadvantage as they'd never stoop that low. The only hope that I see is that guys wouldn't be dumb enough to not see through it. If they are, well, they deserve the chant one.

There are things that make me different from the rest. I love teachers who talk about life, and not materialism. I do not even like materialism. The only thing in life that matters to me is being happy. I want to earn just that much that would help me lead a comfortable life and I want to achieve that by doing something I find interesting. Money has never been a motivator, and it's not that I'm some richie spoilt brat. I have thought that maybe if I didn't have a single penny to spend, I'd be motivated by it and maybe that could be true. I don't know. But I honestly couldn't care less about it. The thing that's slightly disturbing is that I think maybe I would feel somewhat disappointed if, in the thick of things (example, during placements and stuff) I get less than my peers, but I don't want to feel that way. If I'm getting what I asked for and what I worked for, I have no right to be disappointed, right? Money may be their motivator, it's not mine!

I am, what you would call, a simpleton. Be direct with me, please. Sometimes I honestly don't 'get' hints or gestures. The only thing I want is to see everyone smiling and happy and I want to be happy myself. We do have some bad days, some things so despicable occur that you have no other option but to feel sad, and I don't think that's wrong. I love my friends and, whether it is right or wrong, I do expect them to have the same love for me. Isn't it just logical and humane? If I'm loving you, you do the same for me! This is the only dimension where I'm the most disappointed. I see fake friendships and discover it only later, after a lot of hurt feelings. I see indifference, which, if you ask me, if the greatest felony in the world! You can't hurt a person as much by being rude as you do by being indifferent. Yes, I feel very sad when I'm ignored, or made to feel not as important as they are to me. I'm born with a built in J-gene and I get jealous, very soon!

I love reading quotes on Goodreads (just saying, read up quotes and books by Jodi Picoult - who was my 'Author of the Day' today at Goodreads - because what she writes is so relatable and so true that you'd forget anything else anyone else says. Trust me), I love long messages and comments some amazing people write, just to say nice things, I love it when something weird happens, I love it even more when it happens with me, I love it when I see a smile that's there because of something I just said, I love it even more when it reaches their eyes, I love books (as if it wasn't obvious) and even more when I read something, even if it's just a line, that I feel is so beautiful that I want to keep it ingrained in my memory forever, I love the "little things", the genuine courtesy of some well mannered people (I loathe those who're manner-less), I love the morning dew drops and the sun in the clouds. I love coffee and I love traditional stuff. I hate technology (except the internet. Or how else would I blog?) and I hate it even more to see tiny kids infested with cell phones and what not. It's enough to make me cry! 

Anyhow, this post is long enough, I suppose. There are so many more things I'm feeling like typing down, the good thing about which is that I'd get to know, reflect, contemplate more about myself this way! Woo-hoo smartypants. Nice idea! Oh, the trademark thingy that marks the real me: I blog random stuff like this when I have loads of work pending! I've got a mid-sem test tomorrow, about which I'm sort of clueless. But since I lost the respect and trust over the concept of exams way too long ago, it doesn't much bother me as long as I'm getting at least an average. I just want to be sure I'd understand the concepts, which I hope I do! 

Banging up and its benefits!

*Enthusiastic wave with both hands*

Hello readers! I'm finally back to my real, awesome self, back to being the girl who loves writing, specially here on this beloved blog, especially about my weird self and all the weirdness in the world. As of this moment, my face is in a unique contour, thanks to the overwhelming smile that's stuck there, making me look like a demented cousin of a baby seal. Trust me, you don't want to see what that looks like. Whoever says smiling always makes you look pretty has never seen me when I do it. Okay, maybe what I'm doing is an over-exaggerated version of what could be a smile, with all possible freaky add-ons, so that might not be wrong.

Yep. I'm back!

I do have those problems and minor irritations, but then, it's been quite a long time that I've been affected. I tried getting back by myself, but it wasn't working out. I wasn't even reading, imagine. But then! You know those times when you're so tired of trying, God finally takes mercy on you and bam! He's done something that benefits you in a way. Most of you might just think I'm nothing short of delusional to think what happened with me was good, but hey-ho, it is. ;) Yup, so on Thursday last week, for the first time in this college, we went through a think-like-a-kid bout and started playing a game we used to play as kids (I won't mention which one. It's actually very embarrassing to tell). In short, into the first game itself, my klutziness surfaced with full enthusiasm and while running I smashed into a big, cemented flower pot. Right next to the railing. On the third floor. And then people who saw me that time described it later as similar to a stunt as Superman might have performed, if that included getting your left leg hit the side of the pot and go flying over to the other side, rolling and sitting up, clutching your leg. That's what happened. Believe me, I'd love to go deeper into the details, but that's not the aim of this post. 

So I've been staying home since the past three days, thanks to my broken leg, because of which I can't walk straight (in the mornings? I can't even walk). I am supposing that this was God's way of shaking me, in a very literal sense! Because now that I think about it, this break was needed, the days I didn't go to college, stuff happened that I couldn't have handled had I been present and I got to know what amazing presence of mind and love my friends have for me! ^_^

Coming to the point (finally! :P ), I think whatever happens, we should look at the benefits. And trust me, getting banged up has its own share of advantages. Care to know? Read on!

1. You get to see the humane side of people, the side that's usually overshadowed by other unimportant stuff in our everyday lives. I got to know that whatever problems or tiffs people might have, they do feel concerned if someone's hurt. That's good to know! I was beginning to feel it's all about materialism, but humanity persists. Even if it's deep inside and hidden, it will surface sometime. You also know how amazing your friends are! (I've said that already, haven't I?). 

2. You get to be the pampered kid whose every whim and fancy would be adhered to. Not that I have any whims or fancies. I'm quite a sincere, obedient (ahem), oh-don't-do-so-much-for-me kind of a person and I do not like people looking at me with pity. But still, it sometimes feels good to be the center of attention, specially when it's your family and friends who're going out of their way (really) to make you feel better (even though you've told them a million times you're okay). 

3. You suddenly become popular among your rishtedaars who specially call to check on you and see how you're doing. So much so that by the time you realize who's on the line, you're already about the end the convo and hand over the phone to your parents. Did I mention I have phonophobia? The fear of having to talk over the phone. With anyone. I. Just. Can't. Thank God I can write at least, or else I'd have been a social outcast by now, what with not talking to anyone at all! Still, I can say 'Hello' and 'Thank you for your concern' and 'Mom wants to talk to you' (even when she's violently shaking her head, mouthing a big "Noo"). And it's always nice to revise who all you have as relatives and where they live. Just in case.

4. Teachers aren't too hard on you for homework and classes and all. Maybe they'll overburden me later when I'm okay, but what's wrong with enjoying this small privilege till the time it's available? Also, it must feel nice to having everyone (okay, most of them) take special care when they're around you, just in case you get hurt. Even if it's one percent, you have to admit, you do get special treatment. ;)

5. Since you can't do many physical activities, you get to sit comfortably all day in those warm, fuzzy blankets wearing the track suit which ironically, you wear on your morning/evening walks, with your laptop and the internet! As your plans of going to the World Book Fair were doomed (and believe me, to a book lover, it's devastating, specially as it looks so amazing this time and you know many more amazing books you wanted to look at), you're allowed to make online purchases for a few books! (Yayy!) 

6. Even though you're missing out on a lot of work in college, you don't feel like worrying over it and hence you take to doing fun stuff you had been missing. I'm back to reading and jotting down random stuff in my random-stuff-notebook (where else?), thinking of all the things I wish to have, all the places I want to go, all the fun stuff I want to do! 

7. Your Mom wouldn't ask you to do the usual chores. Anyone with a familiarity with the way our home functions would get the idea that I'm such a hypocrite and a liar. Because okay, I'm anyway not asked to do many chores because of the clumsiness thing and all-told you being a klutz is good-but still. Not having even to peep inside the kitchen, or being asked to pick up the landline, or to go over and switch on/off lights and stuff? Feels great! ;)

There are other benefits too, the little things like asking for chocolate and getting it in an instant (whoa!), getting an extra number of hugs (which I louvee) in a day, having little kids come to you for help in their homework (tuition!) and gingerly staying away from the hurt leg so as not to hurt you further. They're just so cute! ^_^ You are on your own most of the time (other people do have work, remember?) and that gives you ample time to daydream, listen to music, think about life and having philosophical thoughts (which I've been doing quite a lot lately. And it's fun). Oh yes, since I spent a lot of time online, I got to know another blogger Ruya Preetika, better. She is one amazing person, just 17 and managed to make my thought process on a very confused topic, clearer than it earlier was. Do hop on to her blog! I'm sure you'd love the chirpiness and candidness with which she blogs! She's also very kindly awarded this blog with a Liebster Award, the post for which I'd be making soon! :) 

See ya! ^_^

Now I think I'll go back to actually doing some homework (we have a hectic week next week :|) and as much as I loathe doing homework, I need to do it. And oh yes, that dreaded election is over and I'm now the new (and umm.. first) 'Literary Head' in the Student Council. *Takes a Bow* Thank you, Thank you. As much as I'd initially thought I'd just be adding on to my already unbalanced workload, I've still done it. Really, I can't even convince myself to not do anything I didn't want to do. But still, maybe it won't be that bad. Maybe I can actually have fun. For a change. *Hoping for the best!*

PS- That's Rapunzel in the two pictures. I love her. Ever since I know her as a kid! More so because my mom lovingly calls me Rapunzel too! (I've got long hair! :D )

That red monster...

... that no one wants in their life! That invisible beast which makes you a target, claws on your face, leaving scars and clutches your shoulders so tight, you get tears in your eyes. The beast called anger. 

This post isn't really about anything in particular, but an update on my not-so-great-life recently. I know I promised not to vent on this blog, that even got an award for its positivity (thank you Abinaya!), but I suppose it's okay sometimes. I actually have about 15 drafts posts, half written, most of which have been created in the past few days itself. Each day I get new topics to write about, I start writing but then get lost somewhere in between, the result of which is an empty blog filled with serious posts since the past few, well, posts. I still haven't started any Theandric Thursday story, I left a story I actually was writing, in between. I have the idea in mind, I created scenes today while in a boring class, I have those notes right in front of me, but I can't write. I'm supposedly, a new columnist at That's So Gloss (yeah, thanks. Click on the link to check it out), but I've just written one article till now, while I was supposed to have written at least three. I'm so dead. Even for those, I do have drafts! Why can't God just either, take it all away at once, or give me back everything? This "in between" thing is making me irritable, angry and so damn under-confident!

For a change, I actually have some amazing books with me, at home, paperbacks and hardbacks, but they're just lying unread. I haven't been able to read more than 10 pages at a time and I'm wayyy behind in the review books. What if people just stop reading my book blog? Leave that aside, my goodreads challenge widget shows "at your current pace, you're two books behind schedule", which, weird as it may sound, is actually hurtful to even look at. The World Book Fair's on, and I don't even know if I'll be able to attend it. Actually, no. I'm going there on Sunday, what the hell ever happens! I am so feeling like making a visit to Daryaganj for books, but I can't. I so want to read all the Young Adult fiction I have, finish the remaining Dan Brown books before his new book, 'Inferno' is released in May, read books by Khaled Hosseini before his new book is released, but with the pace my sucky life is going on, I can't do that. 

Picture courtesy: Google. 

Sometimes I hate being good. I wouldn't talk in a 'down-to-earth' tone right now. I like being good to people, I like it when they smile because of something I did/said, I absolutely love it when someone benefits because of me and they're grateful for it. But I do not like the way I'm taken for granted, which is a lot. I don't like it when I do something for you, you're so absorbed in it and saying 'Thank you' that you do not see the other stuff I'm talking about, stuff that's important to me. I'd very much like it if you would trust me 100%, and not hide things, stupid things specially, from me. Really, I'm not dumb. And I feel unwanted when you do that. Probably also insecure, and jealous. Save me these horrible feelings and please reciprocate the love I'm giving, alright?

'Self-image' is so hard to maintain, even if you're actually being "you", just because people around are playing with being who they're not. They'd say things they don't mean, they'd speak behind your back just because they're afraid of saying the truth out loud in front of you, they'd do things just so another can fail and I hate it. I hate it when I'm being judged on the basis of what I say. No one would even look at what I'm doing. And even if I'm saying/writing, it wouldn't be taken seriously. Either there's something terribly wrong with me, or I'm the most self-deprecating person ever (which I refuse to believe, because I've always been quite a positive person, ignoring a lot of non-sense. But then, everything always comes with a limit). We're having a General Student Body election, students who're interested in being in the Student Council would fight for the "coveted" seats. Apart from all the unexpected, dirty politics (which I don't even feel like mentioning), I'm just sort of burdened with the idea of just me contesting for the executive post of "Literary Head". I mean, come on! It's just depressing! I want people to be enthusiastic about this post, but it's just a 'small, useless position that's not going to be admirable'. I really, really want a friend who's just like me, who reads just the same books I do and with whom I would easily talk non-stop about the books we read. I'm done with diversity and stuff. Doesn't work for me.  

There could be a hell lot of more things I could write here, but I suppose, I should do my best to just look at the good and ignore the bad. It's going to be tough, but I'm not going to let others make me feel low, not anymore. I'd still be good, because I will not change myself because morons decide to turn devils. I am only hoping that they start caring more about everyone, not just me. It's life, people! Materialism should have a limit, no? I wish I could limit this post's visibility, so that not everyone reads it. I don't think that option is available with blogspot, though. Apologies for the strong post. I hope I soon finish a draft and post it. They're all nice and warm and positive! 

PS- I'm lonely, even with people around. I need friends. Someone who'd focus on what I am saying, instead of being self-absorbed, like everyone is.