Y'know what I admire mostest about this blog? It never says no to my impulsive experiments. If you're one of those people who're rolling their eyes thinking, 'how can a blog even say no?', then.... I'd only smile at your naivety. :)
I'm in a "very" weird state these past months, more so in the present, with my ever-so-optimistic-self being tested day in and out. I'm persisting, though. For one, I'm so done with studies! Classes are good. Homework? Get-lost! I mean, I can't really make it "get lost" because I'd lose those stupid "marks", but it's such a pain! I totally forgot I have a mid-sem exam tomorrow and remembered just as I sat down to write a blog post. A post from a list of topics I had, which included:
1. Metro Diaries
2. My life in a quirkbox
3. Education is empathy
4. A fictional story using personification
5. Grief and I
But since when have I been writing posts I actually planned? Never! I thought I should simply give in and rant a bit. It's been such a long time since I wrote an angry post. I'm angry, irritated, helpless and sad over a lot of things, mostly about how we're so bound to societal mentality that individualism is looked down on and anyone with a deviant thought is considered mental. It's so irritating that it makes me cry. I mean, why should I act or behave thinking about what people would think? Why? I will not. It's not always about keeping your personal preferences on the side and going with everyone else. What if I don't like it? Why should I do it? Idiots.
|If only I looked this cute when angry :||
I'm done with being nice and feeling like a social worker with an MBA degree. I've literally been fighting internally with the conflict between what I personally feel and what we're taught. I've been following even the tiniest of rules like an idiot all my life, and watching everyone else getting it easy even when they're so deviant. I've been feeling like I'm taken for granted just because I hate advertising everything I do or say. I'm tired of keeping everyone first and people are so used to it that they get pissed off when I try doing what "I" want to. It's a pathetic feeling and I hate it.
I'm tired of trying to bring together everyone time and again, not realizing that they might not even want to go back to the awesome-friends-group we were. I'm done with it all. I'm not a socializer, getting people to meet each other and be friends and not being able to meet anyone myself. I'd love to do awesome things for people, but I want some reciprocation myself. Let me be myself, let me make friends as I want, let me talk! I do not care about what the world thinks, this is MY life and you, well wishers, should be happy when I'm happy rather than thinking about what people will say. People are horrible. I'd in fact advise you not to be one of them.
Be it whoever, my trust gets tested (and broken) and I'm scared. No one is ever going to let you do what you really want, be it anything. Career related, friendship related, family related, what-the-hell-ever.
More than anything, I miss my old life. I miss my grandmom the most in this world, which is just a pathetic place without her. Sorry to say, but no one else can make it as beautiful and comfortable as she made it. And since I am this sad about the state of things, I expect to be understood, even when I know it's idiotic to expect. I also expect not to be judged, to not be the subject of gossip, to not being stared at when I'm not doing anything to you. This is such a ridiculously annoying habit in people. I'm not talking to you, I don't want your interference, can't you just keep your nose to yourself?
If I keep on going at this topic, I'd write the things I wanted to include in the "Grief and I" post, so I'd stop. But just as a prelude, I'm in a grieving stage, feeling horrible about everything I keep on losing gradually, people included. You'd do well if you don't piss me off about anything and keep away from me. This is so horrible, I actually wanted to write an awesome, kind of funny post about the funny things that happened lately. But then mood killers pop up. -_- I suppose I'd write the awesome things later, once I'm done with stupid tests.
PS- Don't worry. Most of these things are those that can't be helped and I just can't manage this helpless feeling. The past few days have given me light instances to talk about. You never know, I might just not study at all and end up writing a humorous post after this. :P
PPS- I was so excited about all the books-to-movies this year. Three have passed, one's releasing tomorrow and with everything killjoy, I'd have to wait for months to watch it for when it becomes available online. How sick is that? -_-