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Thursday, February 13, 2014

Killjoy, anyone?

Y'know what I admire mostest about this blog? It never says no to my impulsive experiments. If you're one of those people who're rolling their eyes thinking, 'how can a blog even say no?', then.... I'd only smile at your naivety. :)

I'm in a "very" weird state these past months, more so in the present, with my ever-so-optimistic-self being tested day in and out. I'm persisting, though. For one, I'm so done with studies! Classes are good. Homework? Get-lost! I mean, I can't really make it "get lost" because I'd lose those stupid "marks", but it's such a pain! I totally forgot I have a mid-sem exam tomorrow and remembered just as I sat down to write a blog post. A post from a list of topics I had, which included:
1. Metro Diaries
2. My life in a quirkbox
3. Education is empathy
4. A fictional story using personification
5. Grief and I

But since when have I been writing posts I actually planned? Never! I thought I should simply give in and rant a bit. It's been such a long time since I wrote an angry post. I'm angry, irritated, helpless and sad over a lot of things, mostly about how we're so bound to societal mentality that individualism is looked down on and anyone with a deviant thought is considered mental. It's so irritating that it makes me cry. I mean, why should I act or behave thinking about what people would think? Why? I will not. It's not always about keeping your personal preferences on the side and going with everyone else. What if I don't like it? Why should I do it? Idiots.

If only I looked this cute when angry :|
I'm done with being nice and feeling like a social worker with an MBA degree. I've literally been fighting internally with the conflict between what I personally feel and what we're taught. I've been following even the tiniest of rules like an idiot all my life, and watching everyone else getting it easy even when they're so deviant. I've been feeling like I'm taken for granted just because I hate advertising everything I do or say. I'm tired of keeping everyone first and people are so used to it that they get pissed off when I try doing what "I" want to. It's a pathetic feeling and I hate it.

I'm tired of trying to bring together everyone time and again, not realizing that they might not even want to go back to the awesome-friends-group we were. I'm done with it all. I'm not a socializer, getting people to meet each other and be friends and not being able to meet anyone myself. I'd love to do awesome things for people, but I want some reciprocation myself. Let me be myself, let me make friends as I want, let me talk! I do not care about what the world thinks, this is MY life and you, well wishers, should be happy when I'm happy rather than thinking about what people will say. People are horrible. I'd in fact advise you not to be one of them.

Be it whoever, my trust gets tested (and broken) and I'm scared. No one is ever going to let you do what you really want, be it anything. Career related, friendship related, family related, what-the-hell-ever. 

More than anything, I miss my old life. I miss my grandmom the most in this world, which is just a pathetic place without her. Sorry to say, but no one else can make it as beautiful and comfortable as she made it. And since I am this sad about the state of things, I expect to be understood, even when I know it's idiotic to expect. I also expect not to be judged, to not be the subject of gossip, to not being stared at when I'm not doing anything to you. This is such a ridiculously annoying habit in people. I'm not talking to you, I don't want your interference, can't you just keep your nose to yourself? 

If I keep on going at this topic, I'd write the things I wanted to include in the "Grief and I" post, so I'd stop. But just as a prelude, I'm in a grieving stage, feeling horrible about everything I keep on losing gradually, people included. You'd do well if you don't piss me off about anything and keep away from me. This is so horrible, I actually wanted to write an awesome, kind of funny post about the funny things that happened lately. But then mood killers pop up. -_- I suppose I'd write the awesome things later, once I'm done with stupid tests.

PS- Don't worry. Most of these things are those that can't be helped and I just can't manage this helpless feeling. The past few days have given me light instances to talk about. You never know, I might just not study at all and end up writing a humorous post after this. :P 

PPS- I was so excited about all the books-to-movies this year. Three have passed, one's releasing tomorrow and with everything killjoy, I'd have to wait for months to watch it for when it becomes available online. How sick is that? -_- 


  1. All the very best*(*To know the reason come down at VIIIth Line,counting start from Below para). it's second time I'm daring to say you here. Let me know my mistakes & clarify them either.

    Ohh! how much you are being tortured mentally! I wouldn't lie that I can perceive your pain. Yes, I really can't Imagine. I may not realize it. More probably I may not reduce it. But What I can do, to not dig it more. Things will start being okay as you would be Calmer. Or If I would say when you would finish your semester. No Other day is as pleasant as the Last Day of Exam, If you are not suffering from any Deadly Studious Syndrome then it's True in your case too. :)) If you have felt the excitement & amusement of Last Day of Exam, then Hurrey! you have shown No DSS virus symptoms. You are okay!
    *All the Very Best for your tomorrow's(now it's 'Today' as I comment) Exam. You will get very loving Marks whom you have cared most since you started giving examination. I can frankly say, you would do well even you hadn't study 'a day before', Either 'many days before'... Ahem! Ahem! it's not Judgmental... ;) :) ;)
    And Granny is always dearest and nearest to her grandchildren, Every time! You have decorated this post with the bonny-mention of her. She's always with you, dunno you, huh? sssupp!
    She always cared for you, and you know it. If Yes then you better know she wouldn't like to see you in this gloomy posture. Smile Now, She sees you!

    Although we have missed a funny post, through out the post you had churned it with your Painful Smile... And you are awesome with pen in every way.
    See, I enjoyed your agony too :( ;)

    PS: ...I still love Long Post & Long Replies. :))

  2. Heyo!
    No, I'm not here to sympathise, but to empathise..because as a matter of fact, the former hardly works :/
    But anyway, I just wanted to let you got to start living the way which makes you feel you are actually LIVING (who's saying this! the one who does the exact opposite -_-)

    You know, you are right. It gets utterly up to the rules...while actually killing yourself. :/ And I don't know how's that possible but I have same griefs as yours :-I

    P.S.: Grandma's line jolted me :(

    1. Hey Srishti! *smiles and waves*

      I think it's also a matter of time, not just the weird way our life is influenced by other people on the planet, which I seriously don't get.

      Thanks for the comfort of your words. Means a lot to me. :)

  3. This was one big rant-fest. One helluva life youve got. And a wide array of emotions that youre going through.

    Enjoyed reading :D


    Updated my blog. Do drop by.

    1. Hey, thanks for dropping by! And reading this emo-roller-coaster! And enjoying it too :P

      Will check out your blog too, thanks :)


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