The Meaning of This Silence

How do you know you are a different person at any point of time? Normally, you wouldn't realize it unless you pondered over your changing relationships, your frame of mind, the way you spend your days, what you like and don't like, or the way you feel okay with things you ardently rebelled earlier. 

I've been quite silent lately. Being in touch with fewer people than ever, screaming over things going wrong lesser than before, staying home more than ever, and other similar things that has, as I've observed, kind of unnerved a number of people. Not many, though. Most of them seem to be going through a similar time, and they're too busy adjusting to it themselves to be bothered about me. I'm not suggesting that those who do get bothered are getting so for me, because it's for them that they feel weird. I'm different now, and changes in people who are your family and/or friends are not easy to deal with. We bring our own insecurities and fears to the forefront when dealing with changes in other people, and that usually throws us off our secure positions.

It's not a bad change. Speaking less was always my forte, the thing that was inherent in me, a trait that made me feel more comfortable than awkward. In fact, I've encountered awkwardness whenever I chose to speak or engage in a social conversation like everyone else. It's just not me, and the fact that I've always been asked to get away from something that's me, is really unpleasant. Right from school where teachers complained that I'm too quiet, to high school and college where mindless kids liked to tag me as 'boring' because I took no interest in their mundane talks, I've been suggested to leave my zone and change myself. What happened in reality? The opposite.

I'm back into my zone, and since it's taken so long to go back there, it's taking time to adjust. But it is a comfortable time. Yes, I do feel sorry to miss some social outings, but the feeling is transitory. I still go out to meet friends, talk to new people, engage in social conversations, heck, even try to keep up with the latest online trends! Yet, in my mind, I have fewer things to worry about, fewer people to take care of and lots of wonder at being able to discover so many things about myself and the people I love that I had been missing all this time. 

It's not a deliberate attempt at anything. It just is. As I've mentioned before in previous posts, being able to work and get away from institutions that bound me, I've felt more liberated than ever. With that feeling comes the feeling of control - I am in control of my life. I am lesser intimidated by parents, and most of the times I flounder, but I also take each step carefully because I know I would be the one to blame if anything went wrong. It is my life and it is up to me to make it better. I am, first and foremost, responsible for my own physical and mental well-being. I will make no attempts at pleasing anyone who becomes difficult. I have put across myself just the way I am, and I am completely comfortable with the idea that some people might not like it. 

This silence entails space, and time. I've been able to be with myself, been able to think, study, learn, read, write, cry, laugh, scowl, grin, feel emotional, feel reckless, feel ecstatic, all at my own pace. Not adhering to anyone else has made me get closer to myself, to loving myself and to understanding myself. It's a very beautiful place, and I got here when it was a much-needed thing.

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If I'm not speaking as much as I did, it's not because I have a problem with you. It's because for a change, my life is about me. And I will live it according to my own will.