These days...

I'm going to write about how I have spent the past month of my life. That's also how the following ones are going to be like, if things go the same way, that is. If they don't, I hope it'll be better.

First, who the heck says that work life is fun? Perhaps they got the word wrong. Work life can be good or comfortable or exciting but 'fun' is just not the word! I like my job, really. Most of it anyway, if you keep aside the travel time and condition. I get to sit among people who are keen about books and dedicated in their jobs, and some of them know their jobs so well that I feel like I know nothing! 

Nevertheless, the new schedule is anything but comfortable. It is horribly, terribly trying and tiring. First off, it's a six-day work week. I had grown so accustomed to five days' work and take-work-from-home-any-day-you-feel-like that travelling just so far for six continuous days reduces my mind to near-zero (unfortunately, it has so far not had any reduction effect on the body) See? I don't even know what I'm writing here. It's only because I didn't think there was anything else (apart from writing a blog post) that would make me feel lighter. 

I mean, have you even paused to consider how arduous a task travelling so much in the metro would be? Sure, I don't have to change the train even once. BUT STILL! It's not even about the lack of rest one gets because one (that is, me) chooses to travel only in the women-only coach (because with so many women packed together, you cannot get a peaceful environment. Besides, I got to observe really exotic varieties too, but that's for another post). It's the horrible fact that I have to get down at a station in another and, pardon the honest expression, extremely-lacking-in-civic-and-feel-good-sense state, out of Delhi. I don't really hate Delhi as much anymore. :/ 

To begin with, I had two options--taking my own auto from one station, and taking a shared auto from another. Honestly, both are terrible in their own ways. How is one supposed to deal with that on an everyday basis, that too in the morning? Wait, I shouldn't be so pessimistic. I've been managing it so far, and I will manage it. Thank goodness for good people at the workplace who help during the afternoons! (God Bless You. May you never have to travel for work more than 15 minutes away)

Then there are the whole work days, which essentially leave me with barely four hours a day for myself, half of which are spent either eating (because I'm starved during evenings) or settling down to rest. For the rest of the two hours, there's the only program on TV I started watching but which has turned horrible so I don't watch it anymore, there's talking to people offline and online, and well, just staring into space and thinking about life and then preparing to sleep. I know, I could use that little time to do something exciting or useful like blogging (finally managed it after a month, eh?) or anything else. But most days are too mentally tiring to do anything except staring into space and thinking randomly. 

This is how I look like these days

Did you wonder why I didn't mention reading so far? Oh no, I'm not going to not mention it, because behold! The upside of travelling so much and among noisy women is that I can immerse myself into a book and ignore it all! Ha! You can't beat that kind of freedom (although it is sometimes beaten by the sheer number of women in the coach. No one cares about population explosion anymore). So I have actually gotten around to reading the books I never picked up in my leisure time, because it is a very clever way of forced reading. It goes like:

"Read this book or deal with the aunty who's been picking her nose. She's standing right beside you, too." 

Or

"Wouldn't you rather use all your focus trying to comprehend this excessively difficult piece of text than looking up and finding this made-up-like-a-toy girl reading 50 Shades of Grey on her phone?" (No offence to reading choices, but still. Seriously, woman?)

So really, there's little choice. In this time of a month, I managed to read:

1. (Wow. I actually had to hop on to Goodreads to see what I read) Roads to Mussoorie by Ruskin Bond (you know why)

2. What Katy Did by Susan Coolidge (A children's classic; bought months ago from a book-flea market)

3. Moonfleet by J.M. Falkner (A children's classic I had been meaning to read for YEARS! It's wonderful. Find my review here)

4. The Metamorphosis and Other Stories by Franz Kafka (of which The Metamorphosis was the best, followed by umm... maybe three more stories that I liked. The rest were, for the time being, mildly interesting. No wonder people called his texts 'crazy' and incomprehensible. It still takes a crazy mind to decipher his meaning)

5. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde (Oh boy. Do read this one. Just DO it.)

6. The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame (Again, a children's classic I'd had for a couple of years. I remember always putting it off, so had I not had this job, this book would have stayed unread for a loooong time)

7. Dealing with Dragons by Patricia Wrede (A children's book AGAIN! It's about an unprincessy princess who chooses to be a dragon's princess, enjoys working for her dragon, deals with wizards and gets into fights with them, and finally saves the day.)

My current read is called A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson, which would have remained unread for years had I not dedicated this metro time to it. It's anything but short, and anything but a light read. Sure, it's definitely fun in the way it's written--the author's mentioned some of the popular and great contributors to science, and provided details of how someone slouched so much on the sofa that his butt touched the floor or how someone was called a buffoon by another popular guy. Of course I don't remember all those names now. The thing I did learn, however, was that there have been people thoroughly devoted to their work and have discovered such amazing things. What am I even doing in my life? Seriously need to give it a thought. I also learned that if you do find out something amazing, don't be a shy-baby or be secretive, because someone else will either steal your ideas when you are dead (or alive), or will discover it a century later. Then the world (and school textbooks) will remember and credit them for what you did before, only because you thought keeping quiet was decent manners.

Coming back to my month, nothing else that is exciting has happened, except:

1. Looking at three books I had worked on, in print. And what a beautiful print, too! :D

2. A 12-hour trip to Agra, of which 8 were spent sitting in the car. And then realizing that Agra looks good only in history textbooks.

3. Riding a motor-bike just a few hours ago! I didn't get it in the first attempt (in which I ended up riding it as if it were a camel. It just did. not. go. smoothly!), but looking at G getting it right in the first attempt, I made a second, much successful one. 8|

4. That's all. I can't really spend the last half hour before I sleep using my brains even further. They're already exhausted today, thanks. 

I also wanted to mention a couple of things I have not been liking these days. They're more like revelations or things that I have known but those that are annoying me all the more now. One is the obvious dependence on and love for social media, but let's just not get into it right now. The other is the apparent breaking up of some friendships with the concerned people acting like nothing's wrong, while it's quite obvious because we haven't spoken in... months now. It's annoying but it's also sad. What can we do, though? To each his own. If I had the time and mental space I'd have done something about it, but guess what, I can't, and it turns out that I feel like I don't even want to. There's also an age-limit for doing and accepting drama in one's life, I think. 

Anyway, there's a fever and I've been sitting typing this out and I've to get up early for work. Ciao!!

The truth about good things

We all want good things to happen to us, whatever those might be -- a job we want, approval for a trip with friends, windfall gains from random lotteries, a great offer to buy a house or a car or anything else. We want all these things despite everything, even despite the fact that we don't want to work hard for them. Giving up is easy, taking alternatives is easy, sitting back and waiting does the job just as well. We wish and wish for good things but we are also always riddled with doubts and what-ifs. If there's something I've learned about good things, it's this:

1. Good things come to those who wait

There's no better way to get and enjoy the good things in life than to wait for it. Patience pays is a popular phrase. (Gee, that rhymes!) I believe there is a time and moment for everything, even when we absolutely hate not getting things just when we want them. There's a whole system of things created by nature (or God) and, perhaps you won't realize it but, what you receive after a long wait is always worth it. It's better for you. Therefore, if you feel restless about not getting the job you want (like I have been feeling since months, hence, lack of posts here), all you have to do is to close your eyes, breathe deeply, feel grateful for what you have, look at its positives, and keep striving to do your best. Never lose hope. Good things come in good time. 

2. Good things are related to 'time'

Carrying on the last point, good things usually come at just the right time. They may take ages or come sooner than expected; whatever is happening right now is the perfect thing for the present time. You are learning to not only control your anger/irritability issues while not getting your dream job, but also realizing the realities of life and how to deal with those. While you are always hopeful that your dream life is possible, you will realize that it takes a great deal of bravery and relentless work to get it. Good things will come in due course, though being optimistic about it will hasten things, so stay positive!

3. Good things cannot be stolen

When they've come to you, nothing in the world can take them away, except time. I know some people who refrain from sharing good news, perhaps imagining that someone will steal it from them! My dears, that is just not possible. Good things can only be shared and multiplied, not divided. If you have a certain advantage, you have it. Period. Don't be scared of having that taken away from you. Unless it is an Apple device you carelessly leave lying around. 

4. Good things might come in disguise...

... so that you don't even realize that what is happening is a good (or great) thing! They're not always obvious, apparent or even feel goody; they sometimes come nicely wrapped in layers of packaging, but you will realize them when they do their work (that is, help you get something great!). Maybe not getting through one of the big companies was actually a good thing and not the end of the world as you saw it (OK, I should stop making indirect references to myself). But really, things, even though they may not seem like good things, sometimes are actually good. 

5. Good things can happen suddenly!

Sometimes you receive a surprise in the form of something amazing that's happened to you when you were least expecting it. These are the ones that make you believe in miracles! :D

Are you wondering why I wrote this post? Did you notice how I haven't posted anything for such a long time? (If not, bleh. If yes, know that it is your love and interest that I really appreciate ^_^ Thank you!)

Anyway, the answer is that I had been facing one of the worst possible times (even though you might think I made it worse by overthinking, but I really couldn't help it). It was just emotionally draining as I was filled with insecurity and uncertainty of the highest order: the kind where nothing anyone says seems to make you feel optimistic unless some 'good thing' happens. Even reading did not appeal to me, so you can guess how weird it made me feel. I am thankful to family and those friends who supported me despite my apparent lack of regard for their words, who believed in me when I didn't. 

Thankfully, patience (even though it was forced and suffocating) finally paid off! The good things began pouring in one by one, and I am grateful to everyone, including God, who made it happen. First, I went on an all-girls' trip with my college friends, a first for all of us! The mere idea of it was exciting, as none of us had travelled without an elder person or a large group. A few days before the scheduled trip, I faced a major setback in the form of a rejection letter, and it left me numb and sad, especially as I was expecting an acceptance (so much so that I'd even given the good news to people!) It's weird, but I was the only one who spent the entire trip without feeling pissed off at anyone or anything! Sure, we enjoyed a lot, but I realized that I had, finally, matured. ^_^ 

There were four of us. We had planned a three-day trip to Mussoorie, the lovely hill station above Dehradun. I had only been there once, many years ago, when I was an awkward teenager and all I remembered about the trip was killing exotic insects in the summer house we were staying in, getting bitten by a Scorpion plant, walking a steep slope to get water, and lots of stomach cramps. This time it was as if I'd never been there before! We checked in a heritage hotel where we got a free upgrade to the deluxe quarter!! We spent our two days exploring the Mall Road right above the hotel, eating from popular eateries, dancing and gossiping and playing cards in the comfortable room, and of course, clicking awesomesauce pictures.

Passing through low clouds :D

Beautiful flowers overlooking the Dehradun valley

Look at the view *_*

The hotel overlooked Dehradun valley and the views were spectacular. The pleasantly cold weather (the November in Delhi kind) was a big plus in keeping us upbeat. Decidedly, the best part of the trip for me was getting a chance to meet the fabled writer of the hills, Mr Ruskin Bond!! Oh God, it was one of the best things I've experienced, even though I totally sucked at interacting with him. I asked no smart questions that I usually do with authors (probably because I was still in that bad phase mode, but still!!), only smiled and spoke a few words in greeting and got my copies signed. Ruskin Bond is precisely how I'd heard he is. 

LOOK WHO MET RUSKIN BOND!! *_*

A jovial-looking man of eighty, he arrived at Cambridge Book Depot a little after 3.30 PM on Saturday, smiling at everyone he passed. There was a long line of people waiting to see him, the best of whom were little children reciting poems to their parents for practice. I got really lucky when he arrived just as I was making payment for a book, and standing right next to his seat. He greeted everyone as he entered the small shop, including me (YAY!), and sat down, commenting on the line of people waiting to see him. I've met some authors at book signings, and found all of them quite humble and sweet. Mr Bond was the best of all! He accepted all forms of gifts (including poems and stories written by kids), and joked and talked with all his fans as they stepped up to meet him one by one. If you've read his books, you'd know the kind of person he would be, and when you see the soft and kind-looking face, all you feel like doing is smiling and making a witty joke (which, most probably, would not occur to you at that moment). One of my great friends, P, took a great picture of me with Mr Ruskin Bond, and I am forever grateful to her for gifting me this proof. I also apologize for not taking as great a picture of her as she did for me. 

The trip was a success. We'll plan another one soon! ;) The next good thing that seems like a disguise was a job offer from a place I wasn't much preferring, but talking to a few people cleared my head and now I feel great about it. I have an opportunity to work for my dreams, and if it seems difficult, that's all the better, as I would be motivated to work even harder. A couple more things on the family front turned awesome, and I am glad about it all. I only hope that the good thing in disguise really becomes good and the positives outweigh the negatives. 

A big YAY to new beginnings, everyday happiness, love in the form of friends and family, and feeling well enough to write a blog post! I've realized that I'm one of those people who write more and better when they're happy rather than when they're sad. Goodness, I just cannot write a word when I'm sad. (So if you see that I haven't posted for a long while, be good and ask me if all's well!)

Until next time! 

Love and best wishes

The Meaning of This Silence

How do you know you are a different person at any point of time? Normally, you wouldn't realize it unless you pondered over your changing relationships, your frame of mind, the way you spend your days, what you like and don't like, or the way you feel okay with things you ardently rebelled earlier. 

I've been quite silent lately. Being in touch with fewer people than ever, screaming over things going wrong lesser than before, staying home more than ever, and other similar things that has, as I've observed, kind of unnerved a number of people. Not many, though. Most of them seem to be going through a similar time, and they're too busy adjusting to it themselves to be bothered about me. I'm not suggesting that those who do get bothered are getting so for me, because it's for them that they feel weird. I'm different now, and changes in people who are your family and/or friends are not easy to deal with. We bring our own insecurities and fears to the forefront when dealing with changes in other people, and that usually throws us off our secure positions.

It's not a bad change. Speaking less was always my forte, the thing that was inherent in me, a trait that made me feel more comfortable than awkward. In fact, I've encountered awkwardness whenever I chose to speak or engage in a social conversation like everyone else. It's just not me, and the fact that I've always been asked to get away from something that's me, is really unpleasant. Right from school where teachers complained that I'm too quiet, to high school and college where mindless kids liked to tag me as 'boring' because I took no interest in their mundane talks, I've been suggested to leave my zone and change myself. What happened in reality? The opposite.

I'm back into my zone, and since it's taken so long to go back there, it's taking time to adjust. But it is a comfortable time. Yes, I do feel sorry to miss some social outings, but the feeling is transitory. I still go out to meet friends, talk to new people, engage in social conversations, heck, even try to keep up with the latest online trends! Yet, in my mind, I have fewer things to worry about, fewer people to take care of and lots of wonder at being able to discover so many things about myself and the people I love that I had been missing all this time. 

It's not a deliberate attempt at anything. It just is. As I've mentioned before in previous posts, being able to work and get away from institutions that bound me, I've felt more liberated than ever. With that feeling comes the feeling of control - I am in control of my life. I am lesser intimidated by parents, and most of the times I flounder, but I also take each step carefully because I know I would be the one to blame if anything went wrong. It is my life and it is up to me to make it better. I am, first and foremost, responsible for my own physical and mental well-being. I will make no attempts at pleasing anyone who becomes difficult. I have put across myself just the way I am, and I am completely comfortable with the idea that some people might not like it. 

This silence entails space, and time. I've been able to be with myself, been able to think, study, learn, read, write, cry, laugh, scowl, grin, feel emotional, feel reckless, feel ecstatic, all at my own pace. Not adhering to anyone else has made me get closer to myself, to loving myself and to understanding myself. It's a very beautiful place, and I got here when it was a much-needed thing.

***

If I'm not speaking as much as I did, it's not because I have a problem with you. It's because for a change, my life is about me. And I will live it according to my own will.

2015: Here's how you should be for me

Are the years passing by so quickly or what? It all zeroes down to spending all your time either studying through the years and/or being so into technology that you don't realize how quickly your time's running. If you don't believe me, try spending two hours in a sunny park on a winter afternoon, without your cell phone or any other tech device. It'll seem like ages as you peacefully read a book or just watch little kiddies play weird games. Then observe the next two hours at home. Trust me, it'll be a good five hours before you realize how much time has passed. Yesterday, I was talking about a black colour sketch I'd made of a couple of famous personalities, when I realized that I'd made those in 2002. It didn't even seem like a long time, but calculate it and you'd see that it's been more than twelve years! How do you feel when you look at life running through your hands like this? Don't you feel like easing out a bit, living more and running less? With this realization, I've decided to ask God and 2015 to go easy on me.

|      What I learned in 2014      |

Last year, I'd thought that 2014 would be an amazing year, especially since 2013 was just so annoying. It was partly true, because 2014 was a mix of amazing experiences but also some really bad ones. Nevertheless, it was also a year when I learned a lot, and at an entirely another level too! I think I finally grew up, mentally, emotionally, demographically. I'm no longer a formal student (because people like me never stop being students of some sort :P ), and that has marked my entry into another level of life. Surprisingly, it's one where I've learned that fear is overrated. As students, we're constantly being made to fear the 'real' world where there's 'cut-throat competition' and all that blah blah. I personally feel that there's enough space for everybody, if only you truly believe that. If you keep the silly competition in mind, you'll be forever stressed and keep running around and it'll be a long time before you realize that you're not even running for yourself, but for others. We need to really take a chill pill, spend productive time working on bettering ourselves and only look at other, successful people for inspiration, not jealousy.

You might have been asked to change your schedule, plan your day and be disciplined when you were preparing for your Board exams, but the fact is that more than then, you need to bring all that discipline now. Once you start working, if you have any kind of a future goal, you will have to consciously take a step back from all things that are limiting or hurting your feelings, and bring your focus to those that'll help you get better. I talk of feelings because they're more important than things you have or the money you earn. Feelings make your entire world; keep them safe. Protect yourself from bad feelings, stay away from people who make you feel guilty for no fault of yours, or make you wish you weren't with them. You are most important for yourself, because you can never love anyone else unless you're at peace with yourself. Just first and foremost, focus and work hard on being the best version of yourself, and present it to your loved ones. The rest will follow on its own.

I learned that some people will try bringing you down, just because they might be insecure themselves, or just because they can't help it. Sometimes it's not even intentional. Like every relationship, you have to work to make it better. It's no guarantee that it'll be better. If you see that the effort is not reciprocated or even after ten times of talking through it you don't 'feel' it's working, say a genuine apology and walk out. If it really means a lot to you, it'll work out for the better. If not, respect your feelings and do what makes you feel better.

I read quite a lot of books last year, and apart from numbers, I read the kind of books I hadn't read so far. Most of it was because of the entry into a new phase of life and working for it, but I have to say that I learned and matured a lot because of it. New genres, understanding books in depth, being more accepting to styles of writing and content that I positively looked down on earlier, I realized you really have to experience things first hand to understand them properly. The close people in my life have seen this marked, almost funny change. You thought I wasn't capable of making crass jokes, using colourful language or calling people deluded? You'd be in for a surprise the next time you talked to me. :P

I've also learned, after a lot of denial, that the way I wrote my blog posts earlier is a thing of the past. Unless I force myself (which I don't) or unless it's a rare mood swingy thing, my style of writing has definitely changed.

Among all this, I've learned how important friends are, specially when you're emotionally fluctuating from one point to the other; how assuring it is to know that you trust someone outside your immediate family to always be there when you need them. I've learned to cherish such people.  

|      Welcome, 2015!       |

I've been a regular resolution maker. That's how I actually keep my mental state intact, as a matter of fact. While working on a book on philosophy last month, I came across a line that said how it's important to have a philosophy of your own, how you cannot really know your ethics, morals and value system unless there is a set of philosophies you believe in and follow. So that explains how I need certain guidelines I set for myself at the beginning of each year. It's a different matter that the year's also interspersed with interim guidelines.

For the next year, I've decided to take into consideration all that I've learned so far, and consciously tell myself what to do and what things to follow. Most of these are the 'small changes' we can make in life to make it better and easy. These have been created from the perspective of improving what needs improvement and ditching whatever is extra. Let me know if you identify with any of these!

1. Read qualitatively

Participating in the Goodreads reading challenge the past three years, I've read nearly 175 books. It might not be a big number for a lot of people, but it was definitely a delight for me! The past year as I struggled to make the numbers reach my goal of 60, I realized how I'd fallen into the numbers trap. When you read with even the tiniest idea that it'd help increase a number, it's not the same. The more I read, the more I realized it wasn't giving as much happiness as it used to. Add to it the new job, where I figured it'd be better if I sometimes, somehow emotionally detached myself from what I was reading or working on, because of course, feelings. Those brutes need the most care.

So for the next year, I've decided to chill, not make any quantitative goals, read whatever I like or am interested in, with absolutely no expectations. I'd be rereading a lot of my favourites, including the Harry Potter series and some books I loved from the previous years (will update the book blog with the details soon). That way, I'll be reading more for the pleasure (or work) and not because it is a chore. I just can't wait to start! *_*

2. Take care of health

I'm not old, but I've realized that a lot of junk food is totally 'college-y' for me. It just doesn't feel as exciting as it did. Now eating out frequently makes me feel like I've become a baby elephant. To stay healthy and able to fit into my clothes easily, I'd be monitoring and improving my water intake, carrying a water bottle every time I go out, reduce the ordering out food/snacks to once in two weeks or longer if I can help it. More than that, I will not stress about this either. Carrying little amounts of healthy snacks so I won't feel impulsive in terms of food, knowing what kind of foods don't work for me (sweets, cheese and coffee, for example) and such little things make it easy to follow what sounds like a boring plan. 

3. Spend more time with family

I mean real time, not virtual time. It's annoying how people sit in the same room and either watch TV wordlessly or scroll through useless messages on WhatsApp. Oh the malice of those forwarded messages! When you're with your loved ones, give them the best of you, no? Play real games together - do you even know where your ludo/monopoly/carrom board/hangman/jenga is? 

4. Be brave

It takes bravery to stand up for the right things, specially if it is something you've been living with since forever. I think it works better to act and do than simply criticise things or complain. Sure, we need to speak up when no one else is, but it must be accompanied by a strong belief and followed by the right action. Being brave is also about respecting yourself - your limits, your ethics, your feelings. Let go of the emotional baggage. I've decided to simply call it quits with whatever/whoever I feel is dragging me down. I seriously have spent a good part of two-three years recovering from the loss of a loved one, and I'm seriously much, much grateful to those who understood, gave me space and stuck with me throughout. If you've seen the worst of me, you are the only one who deserves my best. So I'm reserving it for you. If, on the other hand, you're among those with whom I spent good times, but we drifted apart during the bad, I simply want to thank you for giving me those good times. It's just that I cannot feel enough to share my life with you ever since I realized that some of you only care about the good. 

In short, I'll just be me. The reserved, shy or whatever girl I have always been. No trying hard for anyone except those who matter. I'd rather reserve such energies for my work, right? 

5. Work. Work hard.

I actually love this phase of life. You're not bound by a certain kind of education, but you're free to pick and choose what to learn. You don't have heavy responsibilities at home, and you can spend time on yourself. The best thing in this case would be to dedicate yourself to your work, learn the trade and gain as much knowledge as you can. This year will definitely be one where I'm a little more sure about my goals, where I want to be, and making the most of what I get. It's starkly different from the same time last year when I was filled with uncertainty. Funny how much can happen in such a short time. So if you have goals to accomplish and you have the time, I guess that's all the motivation you need to get going. Ditch the distractions and just work. You'll be surprised how the rest of your life falls into place. That is, if you do it nicely and right. :) 

6. Help

The last year was also a time I learned how charity cannot be defined, because there are just so many ways to help other people. It's also true - charity begins at home. There's little point carrying stacks of clothes for NGOs when there is a family in your relations who needs it more. Then there are also the little gestures of connecting with people who seem lonely. It won't be a great idea to be the best of buddies, however, especially if you're a good listener. But it really varies from person to person. Just consciously try being a little more kind in general, with everybody, and like charity, even kindness begins at home. :)  

    |     The little things:    |

- Make the bed every morning. It actually takes less than a minute!

Action taken: Already started

- Keep the curtains on the windows open so you can wake up to sunlight. *_* This however, depends on whether or not sunlight reaches that window :P

Action taken: Windows cleaned, space behind it cleared. 

- Start taking care of misplaced objects in the house. Cleaning my room every few months is definitely not enough. If I feel irritable not finding something at the right place, I should myself put misplaced objects in their proper places, right? Plus, it's exercise.

Action taken: None. 

- Make the effort to step down the bed and put that dream-notebook and a pen under the pillow. Did I ever tell you how cool it is to be able to wake up and quickly scribble the part of dreams you remember? You anyway forget them after a few minutes, if not seconds, so why not write them down to remember them for later? I'm not sure what this activity achieves, except feeling good about having a weird habit :P Besides, not every thing has to have a reason. Some things just are. 

Action taken: Managed to mentally adjust getting up slowwwly, and scribbling in the half-light with partly closed eyes. Discontinued since a few weeks; need to take it up again.

- Reduce time spent on social networking sites. 

Action taken: Struggling, but persevering. At least I've managed to block out useless information and not be affected by stupid news, so that's cool.

- Follow the happiness-inducing things I started in mid 2014 when it became crucial to do so. Now that it's become a habit, let it be. :)
Action taken: Been doing it since the past few months. 

- Speak in English. It sounds funny, but I'm a lot better at writing than speaking. I mean, even G gives me a complex sometimes, so you can figure it out. And now that I've made it public, I guess I'll consciously be motivated to do it.
Action taken: Do it whenever I remember it!

- Okay, I've been postponing putting this ever since I started writing the points, and it's not exactly a 'small' thing, but let's just say it is. Learning to prepare small meals for whenever I'm hungry! I know, it's embarrassing to admit that I know absolutely zilch about preparing food. It's complicated, so I won't bother to explain it here. I'll just spend a part of weekends with mom, learning how to boil eggs, for instance. (Goodbye people who would undoubtedly be running away after this! :P)
Action taken: Except for three experiments this year, nothing.

- Stealing some points from a friend's post, I'll add 'preparing and setting out clothes for the next day, the night before' purely because I spend a lot of time staring at the clothes and ending up wearing the same, usual ones without experimenting!
Action taken: Nada

Dear 2015, I hope you've realized that I'm completely prepared to make the best of you. You should be as excited as I am and be with me.

***

A very happy New Year, dear readers! Wishing you all a year full of happiness and great experiences. Thank you for reading my life stories blog and often writing to me. It feels great to have friends like you. :)

Do you have your own set of resolutions or plans for the year? I'd love it if you'd share them with me!

Just how random could you be?

Dear God,

Will you please make me feel calm, free and stable "from inside"? I know I'd feel that way when I know what's bothering me. I mean, fine. I do know some of the reasons, and I feel sad that I can't do much about them, because they just can't be helped. How can you deal with grief over missing your loved ones? Time heals, bas. I just am grateful for friends who help.

OK thanks. *End of letter*

I decided just a few moments ago, for the millionth time, that since I've tried many other things to try being happy, I should use the 'write-humor-just-like-you-used-to' technique. Again. I've tried and failed because it seems I can't really write "that way" unless I'm feeling really awesome, which was a feeling so full in me until a couple of years ago. I mean, have you guys even read my previous posts? I feel awesome just reading them over and over, trying to find The Lost Girl! 

Anyway, what am I supposed to even write on? I'm so not into planned posts right now (which, believe me, I have planned). *Thinking, thinking* Did I mention that time when I did not even recognize Scoot? o.O It was late evening and I was, like usual, in a rush to get home (I so dislike outdoors in Delhi, alone, after dark). I sped towards the purple scooty, put in the key in the compartment lock and twisted it. It didn't budge. I tried again and again, getting anxious, thinking someone messed with Scoot! But just then I peeped at the number plate. OOPS! Not daring to look anywhere else, ignoring the random uncle who had apparently witnessed the scene and was suspiciously looking at me (seriously. Can't an innocent-looking- and even otherwise innocent- girl make a small mistake?), went ahead to look for the real Scoot! 

Then two days ago when I made my much-awaited visit to the New Delhi World Book Fair, which by the way, was not even close to how awesome I had imagined it would be (what is wrong with the world?), the day started with a classy katta. I picked up a new pair of sandals that day, one of which snapped as soon as I reached the metro station and then I had to drag myself all the way, asking my friends to accompany me to a metro station outside of which I knew a cobbler to be. -_- 

Although, I'm happy with the books I got. I've started looking for fun, different and rare kind of books at such events. One, you can anyway buy the usual books from anywhere else, what's so special about getting them from a book fair? Just like last time, my *ahem* expert eyes found some beautiful hardbacks at a cool bargain (though I regret not getting more such books, but still!). One of them is pretty cool, a purple book on Wizardology! Talks about different wizards and their characteristics and details. It even has a set of 24 cards to play with. Merlin's Beard! :D Then there's another one that I got just for the sake of remembering my childhood, a huge book called Dr. Seuss's Bedtime stories. Another book I'm excited about getting is Frankenstein, which I'd wanted to read ever since I read The Lost Girl.

Wizardology!

God, it's so easy to talk about books! What would I even do in life without them? :| Okay. According to this year's reading goals, I'm supposed to read 5 books a month. January was awesome. I've read just 2 in Feb and it's almost over. Anyone recommend me some short and awesome books? 

There's hardly been anything new in life so far. College's about to end, I haven't even applied anywhere for a job yet (I just want to stay at home for a while and read. Take a break. What's wrong with that? -_-) and I'm just waiting for that carefree, liberating feeling I so want to have asap! Meanwhile, anyone know this song called Chasing the Sun by Sara Bareilles? It's naaice!! *_*

*Today*
I feel weirdly excited. There isn't much to be excited about, but I still do. Good thing? Madness thing? o.O
Anyway, since I don't have a lot to talk about, but I have to write-anything-because-I-feel-that-urge, so I'll tell you about this latest interest I, and a couple more blogger friends have developed. We've been intrigued by MOOCs (Massive Open Online Courses) and I've tried a couple of them. First off, they're interesting becasuseeee you seem to find a course on such a wide range of topics that you feel so free to think that you could actually take some course, online, on any subject you wish to study, and maybe get a certificate of participation too! "Maybe" because not all of them offer it. And you got to earn them by submitting assessments on time. :P

The first one I did was called 'Introduction to Guitar' offered by Berklee College of Music, which as you may know, is one of the top universities of music. Sadly, I had to leave the course in between because one, my guitar (which hadn't been used since the past three years, ever since it entered our household) struck up a problem in the form of horribly tuned strings, and something most probably broke but I didn't have the time to get it repaired or checked (Hail MBA!) and two, I missed a couple of assignment deadlines, and the motivation was lost. :|

But then a friend made me look up a course called 'The Future of Storytelling' and really, it seemed so interesting and the fact that two of my friends too had enrolled themselves in it, I ended up going through the course, in due time, and successfully completed it too! :D This one was from the University of Potsdam, Germany. The one we're presently pursuing is called 'Introduction to Philosophy' and I just wanted something interesting to do, for the time I get in between the MBA respite, to have something that would give me interesting things to think about, make me learn things I did not know already and give me ideas. ;) I'm kind of lagging behind right now, but I'm definitely going to make up for it and complete it well within the stipulated time. :)

OK. I should probably sleep. Maybe I'd get such dreams that would give me something interesting to write on, a dream more elaborate than the one I had this morning where I went to a wedding with my family and Salman Khan was there. o.O The only reference to Salman Khan all day yesterday was about how hard he laughed when he was at Comedy Nights with Kapil. I mean, I don't even like Salman Khan. And it was kind of evident in the dream too, since I at first, mocked the people who were crowding around him but in the end when I thought, 'Okay, maybe I should anyway get a photo clicked with him since he's here,' I couldn't. -_- I'm destined for kattas even in dreams.

Hopefully, I'd be back with interesting updates! Or a new story! :)

PS- Someone train me on Title-keeping? The post's title gives off a connotation that doesn't even relate with what I've written. Yes, I'm hudd sleepy right now, but steeeel!

Floating in the depths...

Jan 21: Pre-post scribble: *eyes narrowed down* in my usual you-dare-mess-with-me stare, I look at the laptop's screen but my mind's busy reminding me for the millionth time how futile that will be. Since when did things start happening depending on how you stare at them? Yep, you got it right: Never. -_-

***

Jan 25: I wanted to write today, since after so long the day went awesome-awesome. At least it can be called awesome judging by the quality of life I lead these days. But just when I decided I would write, I did not want to write. I got rude with a best friend, just-like-that. :| I'm sorry dude, even though you said I wasn't rude (see, if it makes you smile wider, this even rhymes :P ).

***

Jan 26: I can't even write more than a small paragraph at a stretch? Seriously, what is wrong with me? To top it all, I feel really pissed off. First, I'm feeling restless, not having written anything but feeling that itch inside to write. If I didn't feel like it, it would have been okay. But I feel like I'd calm down only if I write, ergo, I feel restless (yo bestie, now toh smile :D ). Second, I also feel angry at just living in a place where mental freedom is so hard to find. I mean!!! Why is there so much of stress around? Around useless things? I was fine about other people stressing over things, but now it's affecting me! It's almost as if it's become tangible and jumping out from people and latching onto me, and I do not want stress. I hate it. See? I'm even stressing over the fact I don't like stress. How stressful is that?

Pic credit: Dad

Third, it's taking all amounts of self-control and optimism to survive college. God bless those ikke dukke kids who have a sense of humor and in whose presence I actually feel like laughing. *Take deep breaths* Just two more months. Then, finally, freedom! Although I have to say, college did teach me a lot apart from studies. I'm sure if I survived this, I can survive a lot. 8| 

Fourth, I feel helpless about a lot of things, including the fact that people don't understand people. It's kind of frustrating to see judgments passed through, about anyone, for anything. Why do we even care to comment on people? We never know where they're coming from. And this makes me mad because I used to be indifferent to this attitude, but now, I just find it hugely frustrating. Total piss-off material.

Fifth, we're studying different kinds of personalities in class. Turns out the terms we generally use for disorders are personality types, and each of us possesses some or the other traits and characteristics from them, most probably a mix of some types. Example, I could have some traits of a paranoid, and a schizoid and a narcissist. While it's interesting to study these types, as it definitely makes you more empathetic to people (if of course, you see it that way, instead of just mocking people in class based on characteristics described, like some people in my class do), it's also slightly going to stay in the back of your mind, continuously running like an open-in-the-background-app (err... what metaphors :P).

And it's hard to discuss it with family and friends, just because they might not understand or interpret it the way you do. But it has made me even more open to differences and I am simply wishing for everyone to start feeling like that, so there'll be more understanding and less of judging. 

Sixth, I feel absolutely no inclination to do any assignment. Considering how this is the last sem, you'd think they'd make it easier. But not only are the subjects too boring, the assignments feel like such a ridiculous task thrust upon us and seriously, most of them actually make no sense. The previous trimesters sometimes even seemed remotely interesting, although I hardly liked the assignments unless they offered good learning potential, which the new ones absolutely do not. I've got assignments to submit tomorrow, but I feel irritable just thinking about those. Why couldn't I have done something interesting? 

Seventh, I feel weird too, mostly because I'm feeling more selfish than I've ever been in my life. Not in terms of materialism, but just not feeling enough empathy for those who're sad. It's like I'm so drained myself that I'm barely staying afloat, so logically, that makes sense. How can I worry about the world when I'm feeling irritable and restless myself? Although it's not that much, but things that are disturbing bring in a feeling of restlessness rather than sadness. Not every time, of course. For family and friends, you don't even feel like it's a burden or separate from you. But when it's about the rest of them, right now, I don't want to listen to them.

Eighth, I really wish Mr. Freud wrote his book in an easier-to-read language! I really want to understand and interpret dreams, not that I don't have any idea. And I don't really want to read Mr. Freud's interpretations either, but still. At this moment, any form of understanding is a welcome prospect. My dreams have turned more vivid and more close to real life, so unlike earlier. It's like all those things I don't like, come together to life in an illustrated form. Weird, weird, weird!

Ninth, what I really wanted to write this blogpost on, when I titled it 'floating in the depths' was about how I've always found myself so into things, especially feelings. Till about a year ago when I still had the time (and inclination) for it, I used to look up stuff related to sun signs and feel happy about the awesome things that matched. One of the things I read was about how we tend to think about the deeper mysteries of life more closely than other people. No wonder, since thinking keeps me occupied most of the time. But I have an aversion to thinking about sad stuff. I don't read sad stories (exceptions aside), I don't like sad music, and I feel like hugging sad people. Why is there sadness in the first place? But going through it myself, I also know that time takes care of it when nothing else can. You just need to have patience. O:)

But anyway, I do like things with deep meanings. Hidden meanings. Reading between the lines. Clues that link back to something said previously. I love kids' books and stories so much, simply because when they're about to end, they come up with beautiful interpretations of the whole story and a deeper meaning is brought out. Like a few days ago I watched Madagascar on TV (Escape to Africa) and I couldn't help feeling awed at the underlying theme: they think a lion is not a lion if it can't fight. Alakay (Alex) is a dancing lion who lived in New York and finally found himself back to his parents in the jungle. When his dad Zuba dismisses him because he could not fight, it brought a sense of frustration we know so well. Tight societal norms. And in the end it's Alex's dancing (apart from the lion-ic spirit, of course) that saves them from maniac New Yorkers stranded in the jungle. Same is the case with Heidi, the TV cartoon I absolutely watched full of emotion even as a kid! I read the book recently and saw how it talks so politely about people, even those who're mean with such a sense of fairness that it makes you think about the way you think about people!

Finally, I really want to know. Is there a God up above who takes into account the manners and goodness people have? I've been so full of confidence about good people having the best of all that I turned a blind eye to little things that were unfair to me, even though I do try to be good. I don't really want to lose faith in Him, but it seems like being good has little use. It's like no one expects you to be good and they assume you're just putting up an act. How shattering is that? The chant seem to get it all, and you're a plain loser. It makes me angry, but well, I do believe it matters more to your own conscience. Just that outwardly sometimes you wish you weren't so misunderstood. 

That's all for now! I'm reading okay these days, so that's a nice plus. I'm into the third book of the Vampire Academy series and it's a nice feeling to read about smart-ass vamps and dhampirs. Thank God for books. They make all the difference between getting crazy and sanity!

Basically, what I understand is...

It’s kind of expected (by readers as well as the writers) to make a welcoming-of-the-new-year post, especially if they’ve been seeing it in the past, like in the case of this blog. I had it planned, but one thing that even my optimistic self would accept is that life is very very uncertain. However much you hate change, it is the only constant (that clichéd line again, yes) and you reach a point where you *finally* stop running away from it. It is never easy to embrace change. In fact, it is the hardest thing I find, something I hate doing, something that makes me fear that my whole life is on a change trajectory, something that makes me extremely uncomfortable only because I love my comfort zone. But anyway, I understand that when you try too much to escape, it only builds in magnitude and later comes crashing down on you. And then it hurts a lot. 

I understand that not everything will be perfect. You may want it to be, you may hate the imperfections, but it just isn’t “supposed” to be perfect, because then we wouldn’t have anything to work for and we’d stop being human.

Even if you’re an optimist with an ever-ready “it’s okay” at the tip of your tongue, there will be some problems to which you can’t reply with those words. You will yourself get into situations and feelings where these words would sound useless. And really, you just have to accept the fact that some things in life are just not okay and sometimes you just have to live with it. It can’t always be okay-ish and happy-ish, because some things would inevitably hurt, even if you’re an escapist or a protect-ist. This ridiculously pessimist-sounding stuff would catch up with you, no matter what.

Once an Indian, always an Indian. And always being plagued by some kinds of Indianness and mindset, no matter how you want it to be. Even if you run away to live in another country, you’d still be haunted by stupid things associated with being an Indian. Even if your whole family is awesome, you’d still have problems, because with Indians, you can’t be just “you”. You have to look at the whole society, culture, customs and all those things you actually respect, but they don’t necessarily return the favour. How dare you even think about just yourself? You have to live according to superficial rules, or else you’re a dark blot on the society and no one would ever love your family again. *Wishing she could have been a gareeb angrez instead*

Pic credit: Me

I understand that I won’t understand everything (even though I am quite amazing when it comes to understanding, but still) and it’s foolish to feel bad about not ‘getting it’. Also, I’m not a social being. I can focus on just a few people outside my own self at a given time, and trying to add more people into it just causes problems for me. As an experimental thing, I deactivated my Facebook account recently, just for a while, and although there isn’t enough evidence to prove it, I think there is somehow a correlation between my happy nature and switching that source of interaction off. For one, I can focus more on “my” things (reading, writing, thinking, crafting, talking to people who’re close to me). Secondly, I am not in contact with other people’s lives as much. Do I really need to know what 300 something of my FB friends are up to? I really don’t have that much of time. I used to scoff at those who deactivated accounts, but now? Not so much. I see how it can reduce the level of noise in your life. And sometimes, you just need silence.

I understand that I don’t have any ‘blog-obligations’. Y’know, like to make a New Year post (however much I had wanted to), making a certain number of posts a month, keeping away from openly writing about feelings, etc. In fact, when I read one of my favourite columnists, Natasha Badhwar, talking about writing about feelings and experiences and your own stories, I’m even more open to them! Consider this line that makes you go “Ohhh yess!!”

“The struggle to express is a struggle to heal”

I’ve been having trouble writing since the past few months, not because I suddenly don’t know how to write, but simply because I mostly write on stuff drawn from experience, and at that time, I didn’t quite know how to deal with myself, I was trying to heal and hence, struggling with expressing.

“The power to write your own story will come to you when you give up the fear that your truth will somehow hurt you”

Really. Why don’t we write about things that hurt us? What we learned from it, or rather, how much we hate it? Because we try to ignore the truth, we don’t acknowledge it, we turn into escapists. That is why.

And oh yes, I also understand how cool it is when you can get this idea from a cool friend to write posts in a font you prefer. ;) 

'Something'

This was supposed to be an awesome post, the kind you feel like writing when you haven't written anything in a long time and you feel like you owe your lovely blog at least one amazing piece of writing, especially as it's always been there for you for your random musings at random times and you seem to forget it when you get 'too busy'. This was supposed to be something mind-numbing, earth-shattering, maybe about something so amazing that it'd draw everyone on the planet to go read it, maybe it could have gone viral, or maybe not, but it was definitely supposed to be 'something'. I admit. I'm still at a loss. This has happened before, in a much milder intensity and I always blame no one but myself for the lack of 'putting down thoughts as well as they deserve to be put down'. I still wouldn't blame anything, even though I am very much tempted to put in 'college' as a major reason. It might be, but I just don't care. I've always been a silent rebel. You give me something that threatens the things I love, I would mentally block it all and never even think the way you want me to. This is why I always dismissed those ideas when other people said they're 'too busy with work' to do the things they like. I thought you could be forever busy and still do it. "I" was doing it, so it's possible. 

But maybe it didn't occur to me until it happened. What if the work or the mental pressure of the sheer amount of nonsense you're subjected to everyday, all things that go against what you as a person believe in, how much effort it takes on your part to grasp any bit of your own beliefs and yourself so that those external forces don't make you lose yourself, drains you of any energy you might have left. What if, despite the 'materialistic' things going right, a nice college and subjects you might find interesting, you still feel horrible dragging yourself everyday? Hoping you'd like the exchanges between people? I thought I could manage it well, but maybe I was wrong. I mean, it's okay. It isn't as horrible as it is for other people maybe, but I'm just looking at what "I" deserve and these nonsense feelings are certainly not part of the package. I'll always fight for what I deserve and what I like, however much these things try to change all that. What would happen at the most? I wouldn't write a nobel-winning piece, I wouldn't have many people commenting, I would lose out on a few readers.

Does that matter to me? At a deeper level, yes it does. I do want to write amazing stuff, things I actually have in me and I know I can. I do wish I get back those readers who said they love what I wrote here. I know no one's gone, really. I seemed to be absent myself. But then it shouldn't matter as much and maybe it does not. Maybe I am more materialistic than I thought, but not as much as I'm thinking, either. This is not 'blogging' for me, it's writing. And I can live with anything but not without this ability to put things down like this. If there's anything I would be willing to rigorously fight for, it's my reading and writing, for without these I'd lose myself. I don't know much about anything apart from these two. What would I be if I am not able to make myself happy with these as well? Nothing. My college degree would hold no value. It would be, in the Indian 'job market' for which you're trained since college, made into machines and made to believe how working nonstop and relentlessly can bring you 'success', but not for me.

So even if this isn't an insanely makes-you-hyperventilate-kind-of-awesome post, one that I was aiming at, it's okay. Because it's just me and this blog and friends who understand. I know I could write that kind of a thing and I'll do it sometime, maybe without even realizing it. But for now, this is really satisfying and I'm happy. Y'know, the reason I feel like it's okay is more so because I do have crore things to do and I'm leaving all that for this. Tee hee! 

A really common quote thanks to social networks,
but it's awesome and true! :)

***

I had to ask. Did you know that our brains are actually not built for multitasking? I started reading this book last night, called 'Mastermind: How to think like Sherlock Holmes' and the second page in the Prelude said this and I went all, "Oh My God! Really? WHY!" Because yes you guessed it, despite having read hundreds of texts, I did not know this thing that my friends seemed to know already o.O I mean, when was it when I was first told how we are "supposed" to multitask to be able to be more awesome? Class 11? Yeah maybe. Definitely in the first year of college and I even remember proudly telling my seniors how good I am at multitasking, during some dumb interview for a dumb college society I was really enthu about (told you, I was completely mental back then). The point is, if because of multitasking, quoting the book, "our memory decreases and our general well-being suffers a palpable hit", why are we told it's something we should be good at? Hello? 

Thank you Sherlock. Now I'm really going to
read your books that I've had since childhood :P

This is why I seriously love books! Because they tell me what is right! People these days, just. can't. be. trusted. I know, it's because that is what 'the market demands'. Fast life, quick decisions, faster profit making. Jeez. But whatever. After reading, books and writing, I'm in love with my brain. However clumsy it might make me, I still am overly protective of its abilities. And if in some real life job interview they ask me if I'm good at multitasking, I'm going to quote this fact to them. Did you know Sherlock Holmes was an awesome observer because of mindfulness? And not multitasking? This seems like just a small fact but I've been hyperventilating about it since last night! It's like those two sentences attacked what I had been thinking since the past *counts on fingers* 5 years. OMG! 

I had to tell. Not any secret, you looking-for-gossip people! I must have mentioned how I love Mint Lounge, the Saturday edition of the Mint newspaper? God, I don't even read the main paper all week, which I should, MBA and all. But anyway, Saturdays? I so look forward to them! It's not business-y or economic-y, but there are views on related things and non-related things, all of them awesome. I don't know. I don't read it all and some Saturdays I don't find much that I'd like to read, but it always gives me that ecstatic feeling. I especially love this column called 'My Daughter's Mum' by Natasha Badhwar. I am not a mom so technically I couldn't have been able to relate to the stories, but I always can. And more than that I always feel so warm and emotional while reading those, whatever aspect of family life she writes on. 

I mean, it's Monday today. I picked up the paper on Saturday evening, when I got home and kept it on my bed along with some books (that really have nowhere else to go. Someone please donate me a shelf?). It was there all Sunday, being shifted from one room to the next as I looked for an opportune moment to read it. It was back on the bed at night. It's underneath my laptop on the dining table right now, where I left Aakar Patel's article on 'Why everything is not the government's fault' mid-way because I got a call from a mast friend and then I felt like writing. I'm always reading it like this, keeping it for a comfortable time because I don't wish to be disturbed and feeling all breathless while reading it. It's just a paper and I wouldn't even remember most of it maybe, but that's just how it affects me. :')

I need your help. To whoever reached here, I'm working on a live project involving opening up of a campus bookstore in our campus. Like a Bond, I took up the responsibility of looking after the inventory. So you know, I'm supposed to think of what would the bookstore actually sell. Important work, you see? So you gotta help me because yessss, I am very close to the deadline, so close that I can't even tell or else you'd think how BIG a procrastinator someone can be. Just know that you're supposed to reply maximum by tomorrow. :P Hey, I have done my homework, I'm just looking for more suggestions. So you're supposed to do this: Imagine you're in college and there's a bookstore in the campus. What would you like the bookstore to have for you, apart from academic books? (Unfortunately, they have to be stocked :P ) Would you like the general kind of Fiction that's available in normal bookstores? Is there something special you'd like to have? Any sort of merchandise? I'm not asking you to think like a business person, okay? Just as a student, what do you think you'd like a campus bookstore to have? 

If someone is very much interested in helping, please email me! If you've got small ideas, please comment. I promise you awesome posts in the future! I do have a list of posts ready for writing, y'know? ;) Till then, hasta pronto! And "muchas gracias" in advance :P (I'm learning Spanish too, you know that. The teacher gave me an awesome idea of having a blog in Spanish. After once laughing it off, I did think, how awesome would that be? It's just the purrfect way to learn the language! :D )

When you know what it means to feel happy... :)

The past few days, weeks and unfortunately even months, I had kind of lost myself. It might not have been too visible, but I was completely going through a light internal struggle, a new me trying to permeate the transparent boundary surrounding my real self, the self that has always tried to fight the resisting forces, those that force you to believe or act in a certain way. I've always been kind of a rebel, so much so that even if there's a chance that I'd agree to something, I'd still first resist it a little. The thing is, I lowered my defenses and that was when the mean, external forces grabbed hold of me, seeped in through the loopholes and settled inside. I did not even quite know what had happened. There was a big change in the routine with the change in campus and with all the initial excitement, I was going through a million different emotions, unable to ascertain anything for sure, just swimming in them trying to stay afloat. 

Just in the past few days when I could reflect back, I realized how pointless it all is. I mean, getting up with a heavy head at 5.30 in the morning, assaulting the mobile phone and pressing snooze ten times, finally getting up, running out at 7.15 without breakfast (who gets hungry just as they get up?), catching breath only on boarding the metro, keeping a hand on the pocket to ensure the new mobile phone doesn't pop out with all the running (yes yes. I ditched my lovable Nokia for a smartphone. I'll make up a post soon), then Metro-ing, then choosing between walking to college or taking a rickshaw, enduring sleep-inducing classes and then drinking a thousand cups of tea with Parle-G biscuits to keep us awake (okay, it's only in the early mornings), then trying to avoid the monkeys in the evenings, who are so mean they'd drop right by your side unexpectedly and if you have an ice-cream in your hand, don't contest it, just drop it and move away! Reaching home at 7.30 and feeling absolutely dizzy and sleepy. Still staying awake to do some useless assignment where you don't even use your brain because by that time you aren't left with any energy to use your mental faculties, then after a little bit of socializing - or rather, talking to friends who help you survive the days - you drop dead asleep and then follow the same routine. Before you know, a month has passed you by and you're being faced with a week full of mid-sem exams (already!) and then there comes a point when you just don't want to give a damn! 

That's when something strikes and you remember your old self, your previous, uncaring and I-don't-give-a-damn self when you stopped all the things you had to do and just blogged randomly. *Takes a deep breath* That's how it is now. A yet-to-do assignment, three mid-sem tests in the week, presentations and all such useless stuff. I was motivated with the scholarship thingy, that you get a few thousand bucks per semester if you fall into the top six and having earned it twice, I turned greedy. But I realized, it's not worth it. My head hurts everyday, I'm more worried about the fact I'll forget every thing, I'll be useless even after MBA, than actually trying to learn and understand what is being taught. I'm sorry, I can't compromise on happiness and laughter because of this. I can still do well in life, thank you very much. 

It's been a couple of days that I've been feeling exceedingly light and happy, far more happy than I've been in ages. I've dropped the extra, redundant efforts put into college stuff, I've stopped caring about 'other' people, I've been sticking to my promises (mostly), trying to make people who matter to me, smile a little bit wider, I've met and laughed with friends who matter the most-est to me and it feels exceptionally good. I can't help smiling, or laughing at the tiniest things. I don't mind the slight backache when we randomly go to ride a kids' dragon ride and sitting there stuck because the seats are too small, because we're having crazy fun. I have very few close friends. I'm not much of a hey-you're-my-best-friend person. My best friends have all landed in my life from awesome planets from where they were sent to take care of an extremely adorable soul a.k.a. me :P You bet, they're so lucky they once cried, everyone all at once, just thinking about their awesome luck. Okay, I'll stop before I get murdered before even writing in my will where my books should go. Because you know, some of those best friends have got their eyes on my bookish treasures. -_-

Yeah so. One of these special people is about to start a new phase in life, for which we're all super excited of course and we met yesterday to celebrate it. Like one of us said afterwards, 'it was awesome. Happiness, emotions, fun, all rolled into one', which perfectly summarizes those moments. It was just like a closure on all the negativity. I don't just care. I'm cool with everything, I don't want to think about stuff that's tension-inducing. Mind you, you self-obsessed folks-who-can't-just-rest-until-the-world-listens-to-what-they-have-to-say, if you've read this and if you still try to create that pathetic environment around me once again, you're going to get a royal ignore plus a fall in any pinch of respect I've still got for you. I've bounced back to being myself. I think I've put back a stronger cover. You know how when in school, people ask what you want to be when you grow up and you say something that sounds really impressive. Even now when I'm told or suggested by well wishers, some avenues for a career where I can foray into, I'm not concerned about anything but the real 'job' I'd be doing. "What is the work?" is what matters to me. No one seems to get it, though.

Another thing I have always been clear about is that whatever I do, it should make me happy. Call it being self-centered or whatever. If I'm not happy with it, I'm not doing it. I'm not a person who can live with a sinking feeling all the time. I need boosting up, I need great friends for that, I need to feel happy and awesome and light from within. I'm not that strong when I've to deal with separations. I hate separations. If I've ever loved you in any way, I don't want to let go, not even temporarily. Permanence is a killer. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Call it a weakness or discuss it in an 'intra-personal process' class in psych, I don't care. That's how I am. I need happiness and after months of trying to understand what's being going on inside, I think I've found it. I've got amazing family, even extended ones. So welcoming and always loving. I've got some friends I can't think to part with. In a weird weird weird world if I could have my way, I would have set up a nice camp on a beautiful countryside, but with mountains in the distance and woods and streams flowing by, and living with all those I love. No matter who they are or where they've come from. I'm happy, everywhere I look, I see people smiling. The little kid in the park who says a high-pitched 'Hi', the person at the metro station you accidentally bumped into, smiling and nodding instead of staring daggers, feeling connected to everyone you see.... it's all a nice, warm feeling I never want to let go. No matter what you give me, dear life, I know what it is to be happy and I intend to keep it to myself. Forever. :D

A place like this? Super yes! :D :P

PS- Hiya! I've got loads to share. Hint hint: another metro diaries post too! :D How have you all been? :)