#18: You're a star!

It was a beautiful light-show
That we saw, when you were born.

Your mother looked at you and thought,
"This will be brighter than the brightest morn."

You began to grow, living your life
With a lot of love and care,

Though sometimes with glitches (as is natural),
Which made you act like you shouldn't have dared.

But know, sweet, little star,
That it is all right,

For stars to face phases, and
Be dull rather than being bright.

Stars may stray their paths,
They might sometimes oscillate,

But not necessarily only when they're out of shape and order,
Also when other stars and particles lead them to deviate.

You must know, sweet, little star,
That these phases can be short or long,

They can vary in intensity too,
But you can always turn it into a song (even a sad one).

You must also know, that you have responsibilities
From which you must never escape,

For they will ensure your energy and power
Are never put to waste.

If you ever feel, the other stars in the constellation,
Are picking and prodding, and you don't like the touch,

Know that it is because they won't see you troubled,
In any way in the future, because they love you too much.

Have you seen how their eyes shine,
With love and assurance when they see you?

Even if you're just one, and think yourself unimportant,
Know that this constellation would not be one without you.

A created, special star. :)
PS- Please don't copy this picture.

***

Yay! This completes my NaPoWriMo, a whole month of poem-making. Apart from the obvious realization (how it was wonderful to write them), I found out how time flies! It seems like I accepted this friend's challenge for poetry only last week or so.

Frankly though, it was fun, and it was rewarding. For a person who had been craving to write something but couldn't, this served the purpose, and it also made me happy. I didn't really stick to the plan: I don't have thirty poems, but I'm oh-so-happy with whatever I managed to write. :D Perhaps some day when I'm bored or inspired, I will end up writing and posting another poem. ^_^

As to the challenge, I declare both of us as winners. I wrote magnificently on some days, while the competitor did so too. Some days we both messed up. In the end, we did put an effort, and that makes us winners. :D YAY!

#11: Step-by-step

When there's something that you want,
And it sits out of reach, high on top,
Don't dismay, don't give up hope,
Don't settle lower, don't crave distractions to help you cope.

Instead:
Open your eyes and look around,
Who is on the stairs, and who else is on the ground,
Who makes you feel, life is worthless and boring,
Who makes you wish, to spend time in working.

Wriggle out from the clutches, of those who pull you down,
Stretch out your hand for help, from those you see on the stairs,
For they often will take it, and pull you,
One step away from the evil snares.

Oh, how sweet the air blows,
Even a little higher from the ground,
You already feel lighter, and inspired,
To work and do your best, and you never get tired.

For you soon realize, you only need to be,
On step one, then afraid you won't be.

Each step feels awesome.

You will only be eager, and optimistic,

And humble and creative,
You will get the will-power and energy, 
Let ill-will come, you know you could beat it.

There will be trials, there will be anxieties,
You will be tested, with utmost severity.
But something will have changed, you'll see,
Even though it is sour, you'll find it sweet.

Before you know, time will pass,
You'll see a different you, when you look into the glass.
Grinning back at you would be, your dream self,
Happy, peaceful, now ready to extend a hand for someone else's help.

And this is how you would climb,
The stairs to reach your dreams,
You'll know you need only to take the first step,
And the world will hush itself and see.

#6: A beautiful forever

A part of your beautiful forever...

Childhood ends, you see life,
You see your forevers die out.
You wonder, can I ever have a beautiful one?
Your heart whispers yes, the world says no,
So deep in dreams you go.

There you find your favourite forever,
You climb mountains, soar the skies,
Romp over dry leaves, slide in the snow,
Feel what you read, jump and laugh,
Dance in the rain, sing in halves.

You read in sunshine, write what you may,
Watch butterflies, birds, mountains, rivers,
Watch people you love and people you like,
Watch aurora borealis lighting up the sky,
Watch your life feeling peaceful as time goes by.

You learn to live, you live to love,
You love to live again,
You wish to share that beautiful forever, 
With no one but the one you wish to claim,
The one that survived in all the forevers
That, in the world's recklessness, died.

***

Read my previous NaPoWriMo poems here:

#2: Forsaken soul

#3: Exhaustion

#4: Night dreamer

#5: I choose...

 

#4: Night dreamer

In a timeless place, no awareness of night and day,
The conscious awakens, threads of pictures,
scenes, moments, feelings, breaking through the surface.

Eyes don't open, for threads begin running loose,
Already losing a dream or two,
Quickly recalling the ones that remain,
Thinking them over and over again.

Hands reach out to the spiralled-together paper,
Tucked next to the pillow, pencil in place,
Readied in the night.
Hands scrawl memories, eyes open merely a shadow,
Mind rushing through dreams, about adventures, laughter and flowery meadows.

Together the papers get thicker each year,
Bearing dreams of a collector,
With no sure purpose, other than to remember,
There's a world wholly created, a world of one's own,
That's as beautiful and ugly,
As the one the body owns.

***

This got thought-up while I was going through a notepad I had kept for a short while, intermittently, to record dreams. To say I was astonished would be an understatement. It was full of WEIRD scenarios with the most unusual characters (Batman's Joker, people from my junior school I haven't thought about in years, Dracula, people as vampires, friends conjuring up spells using wands--I managed Lumos!!--my childhood toy pygmypuff, Frankenstein's creature, to name a few). The best thing was the way I'd written them down. Good sentences that I might not have managed in wakefulness. Straight in lines, despite being in the dark, eyes nearly closed. Am I awesome or what!?

In case this is the first NaPoWriMo poem you're reading on this blog, check out the NaPoWriMo website here to know about it.

I'm also in a personal, very healthy competition with this friend (click here) whose writing makes me want to think hard before I write, and to write the very best, because that is what he does. Trust me, (because I'm an editor) there's an undiscovered gem. 

Life of a Social Recluse

Hello, dear blog! I haven't written in you since ages, and I realized that I would miss out transcribing life updates if I stayed away any longer. There hasn't been much in action, but at the same time, life has never been as good. Okay, it has, but this kind of good has come after a long time. I've had such a change in perspective on a lot many things, it feels like I've learned so much more in the past few months than in the past few years, and that I'm finally, 'living'.

Anyway, what I do these days is:

1. Spend hours each day excluding weekends at work, mostly reading, writing, reading some more and hoping against hope that my eyesight is not affected. The evenings are spent chilling at home, talking to friends, visiting relatives or the market or the park, reading websites and articles or for the most part, browsing the shelves for something new and interesting to read. Thankfully, I've managed to collect quite a bit. That reminds me, I've had people remark how I manage to get those books. What do you mean how I've managed? It is very much possible if you refrain spending on ridiculous restaurant food, if you don't over indulge in shopping, if you basically prefer books over anything else. It is very much possible.

2. Read different kinds of books, experimenting with genres I never tried before, and reading between the lines. This is one of the new things that has happened, for I no longer read just the words to get what has been written, but almost naturally, also look at the author's intention, writing style, phrases used, metaphors, character sketches, etc etc. I say naturally because I've been given a grand, vast view of the inside world of books, and it makes me just so curious to get to the depth of words! 

*_*

3. Getting an insider's view of the publishing industry has made me very happy indeed. It's not all glamour or as perfect as the final results a.k.a books are, but it gives me a lot of satisfaction. To be a part of the process that once made me very happy as a kid, is amazing. True, it gets dull and dreary every now and then. You get bored, doubt yourself, sometimes multiple times a day, get frustrated when things go slow, but it can be endured if you always have a larger goal in your mind, and you know that the dullness of the present is anyway important to help you achieve those goals. 

It sometimes gets sad too, when you realize that the things you consider sacred are not treated as well in the places where they are produced. There is a lot of work, and people get frustrated. Businesses need to earn money, and sometimes it feels like it is only for money that books get traded, which of course is not true, but it just seems like it sometimes. What is necessary is to stick to your own beliefs, treat books as sources of knowledge/wisdom/entertainment/whatever at your own end, and do your work to the best of your ability. It is also sad to see hundreds of people writing books. That's not bad, actually, but the fact that they are mostly overconfident people who already call themselves authors before being published, believe their work to be a masterpiece while it is indeed, for want of a better word, trash, is quite disheartening. It used to bug me a lot earlier, but now since I've grown used to it, I feel somewhat emotionless most of the times. But it still annoys me sometimes. People are seriously deluded.

4. Traveling in the metro has become ... monotonous and irritating for the most part. I so wanted to do a separate metro diaries post, but I don't think it would be well-deserved. Ever since the first women-only coupe started, I've always traveled in that, except for a few times. The trouble is that I'm not the only one who made that decision, so the first coach is always excessively crowded. You'd think that stuck between women (as a girl yourself) would be way better than being among creepy-guys-who-think-a-girl-in-their-coach-is-a-rarity (don't you go berating me for generalizing or whatever, because there are a lot of such creepy weirdos). Anyway, you might be right, but only partially. 

Now just imagine all these as
women, with cell phones and
earphones plugged in.

First, women have little regard for other women. I might be killed for this statement, but at least when it comes to traveling in the metro, it is true. There are good Samaritans too, but you would have to agree that: 

- A majority of women travelers will NOT budge more than a couple of inches when you need to pass them to get to the door because you have to get down at the next station. 

- You will find some who fix themselves at the doors, completely disregarding the crowd behind them. Incidentally, the fixture doesn't need to get down at the next ten stations at least. It just doesn't want to literally gel with the crowd. And to add to that, they have the audacity to look angry when you unknowingly push them a little while getting off. Sometimes I do not even push unknowingly, but it has no effect whatsoever. 

- Apart from Rajiv Chowk or other major stations with guards overseeing the queues on platforms, people will never learn that they are supposed to stand on the sides and leave space in between for those who wish to get out. In fact, if you are the ones standing on the side, you would be the last person to board the train.

- God save you during the rush hour! You would be squeezed in from all sides, your arms would be coiled around bulging waists of at least four different women, your nose would be desperately seeking a bit of fresh air, you would be assaulting your toes to stand a little higher to breathe in right at the air conditioners, your hair would be a foot or two away from your body, and the steady brush of hard cloth at your ankles would make you feel secure that your bag has not yet been washed away by the sea of jostling women. 

- There is something incredibly putting off about having cell phones in hand. Even when there is no space to stand. Even when other people are suffocating and struggling to stand on their own two feet, some people demand extra space for their cell phones, because they cannot bear to part with those even till the distance of their jeans' pocket. Urghhh!

- There has hardly been a metro ride where I haven't had generous intake of someone's gastric misadventure. Even in a fifteen minute ride.

5. I've taken to baking cakes! Yay! The fact that till date, the first two cakes were entirely flawless (one with eggs, one eggless) and the others were not-so-great experiments, doesn't matter as much because whoever talked about baking being such a stress-free activity was so right. There is something very relaxing about baking a cake. I was at first alarmed looking at the ingredients, going all 'Whoa. SO totally unhealthy', but once in a while is okay, I guess (or else all those with a sweet tooth would murder me anyway). 

Trust me, this was the most delicious experiment ever!

6. Feeling that gut wrenching feeling whenever I find a great children's book, because I don't know, I feel just. so. drawn to them! They're the best kind of books. Ever.

7. Making lists and lists of work and interesting stuff to do, to take my mind off life's lower aspects. Getting out of touch with some people, hearing ridiculous gossip in family gatherings, feeling put off with Facebook but not being able to get off it entirely, not having enough clouds during weekends for photography, to name a few. I've tried writing here a lot many times, but they've always ended up as drafts. I was a little peeved that I wasn't getting the time and energy to write here, but then as a friend helped me realize:

- I'm still working towards making a career in something I believe in, and love.

- I am anyway too blessed to feel jealous of anyone.

- This is my blog that I started purely for my own self, not to make anyone read it. So what if readers don't respond? The 2-3 people who matter, do. And that is really what one needs, innit? :) 

PS- Did you realize the post has nothing to do with the title? I might call myself a social recluse, but the real story behind the title is just this - type anything random if you don't get an idea within ten seconds. Tada!!

2015: Here's how you should be for me

Are the years passing by so quickly or what? It all zeroes down to spending all your time either studying through the years and/or being so into technology that you don't realize how quickly your time's running. If you don't believe me, try spending two hours in a sunny park on a winter afternoon, without your cell phone or any other tech device. It'll seem like ages as you peacefully read a book or just watch little kiddies play weird games. Then observe the next two hours at home. Trust me, it'll be a good five hours before you realize how much time has passed. Yesterday, I was talking about a black colour sketch I'd made of a couple of famous personalities, when I realized that I'd made those in 2002. It didn't even seem like a long time, but calculate it and you'd see that it's been more than twelve years! How do you feel when you look at life running through your hands like this? Don't you feel like easing out a bit, living more and running less? With this realization, I've decided to ask God and 2015 to go easy on me.

|      What I learned in 2014      |

Last year, I'd thought that 2014 would be an amazing year, especially since 2013 was just so annoying. It was partly true, because 2014 was a mix of amazing experiences but also some really bad ones. Nevertheless, it was also a year when I learned a lot, and at an entirely another level too! I think I finally grew up, mentally, emotionally, demographically. I'm no longer a formal student (because people like me never stop being students of some sort :P ), and that has marked my entry into another level of life. Surprisingly, it's one where I've learned that fear is overrated. As students, we're constantly being made to fear the 'real' world where there's 'cut-throat competition' and all that blah blah. I personally feel that there's enough space for everybody, if only you truly believe that. If you keep the silly competition in mind, you'll be forever stressed and keep running around and it'll be a long time before you realize that you're not even running for yourself, but for others. We need to really take a chill pill, spend productive time working on bettering ourselves and only look at other, successful people for inspiration, not jealousy.

You might have been asked to change your schedule, plan your day and be disciplined when you were preparing for your Board exams, but the fact is that more than then, you need to bring all that discipline now. Once you start working, if you have any kind of a future goal, you will have to consciously take a step back from all things that are limiting or hurting your feelings, and bring your focus to those that'll help you get better. I talk of feelings because they're more important than things you have or the money you earn. Feelings make your entire world; keep them safe. Protect yourself from bad feelings, stay away from people who make you feel guilty for no fault of yours, or make you wish you weren't with them. You are most important for yourself, because you can never love anyone else unless you're at peace with yourself. Just first and foremost, focus and work hard on being the best version of yourself, and present it to your loved ones. The rest will follow on its own.

I learned that some people will try bringing you down, just because they might be insecure themselves, or just because they can't help it. Sometimes it's not even intentional. Like every relationship, you have to work to make it better. It's no guarantee that it'll be better. If you see that the effort is not reciprocated or even after ten times of talking through it you don't 'feel' it's working, say a genuine apology and walk out. If it really means a lot to you, it'll work out for the better. If not, respect your feelings and do what makes you feel better.

I read quite a lot of books last year, and apart from numbers, I read the kind of books I hadn't read so far. Most of it was because of the entry into a new phase of life and working for it, but I have to say that I learned and matured a lot because of it. New genres, understanding books in depth, being more accepting to styles of writing and content that I positively looked down on earlier, I realized you really have to experience things first hand to understand them properly. The close people in my life have seen this marked, almost funny change. You thought I wasn't capable of making crass jokes, using colourful language or calling people deluded? You'd be in for a surprise the next time you talked to me. :P

I've also learned, after a lot of denial, that the way I wrote my blog posts earlier is a thing of the past. Unless I force myself (which I don't) or unless it's a rare mood swingy thing, my style of writing has definitely changed.

Among all this, I've learned how important friends are, specially when you're emotionally fluctuating from one point to the other; how assuring it is to know that you trust someone outside your immediate family to always be there when you need them. I've learned to cherish such people.  

|      Welcome, 2015!       |

I've been a regular resolution maker. That's how I actually keep my mental state intact, as a matter of fact. While working on a book on philosophy last month, I came across a line that said how it's important to have a philosophy of your own, how you cannot really know your ethics, morals and value system unless there is a set of philosophies you believe in and follow. So that explains how I need certain guidelines I set for myself at the beginning of each year. It's a different matter that the year's also interspersed with interim guidelines.

For the next year, I've decided to take into consideration all that I've learned so far, and consciously tell myself what to do and what things to follow. Most of these are the 'small changes' we can make in life to make it better and easy. These have been created from the perspective of improving what needs improvement and ditching whatever is extra. Let me know if you identify with any of these!

1. Read qualitatively

Participating in the Goodreads reading challenge the past three years, I've read nearly 175 books. It might not be a big number for a lot of people, but it was definitely a delight for me! The past year as I struggled to make the numbers reach my goal of 60, I realized how I'd fallen into the numbers trap. When you read with even the tiniest idea that it'd help increase a number, it's not the same. The more I read, the more I realized it wasn't giving as much happiness as it used to. Add to it the new job, where I figured it'd be better if I sometimes, somehow emotionally detached myself from what I was reading or working on, because of course, feelings. Those brutes need the most care.

So for the next year, I've decided to chill, not make any quantitative goals, read whatever I like or am interested in, with absolutely no expectations. I'd be rereading a lot of my favourites, including the Harry Potter series and some books I loved from the previous years (will update the book blog with the details soon). That way, I'll be reading more for the pleasure (or work) and not because it is a chore. I just can't wait to start! *_*

2. Take care of health

I'm not old, but I've realized that a lot of junk food is totally 'college-y' for me. It just doesn't feel as exciting as it did. Now eating out frequently makes me feel like I've become a baby elephant. To stay healthy and able to fit into my clothes easily, I'd be monitoring and improving my water intake, carrying a water bottle every time I go out, reduce the ordering out food/snacks to once in two weeks or longer if I can help it. More than that, I will not stress about this either. Carrying little amounts of healthy snacks so I won't feel impulsive in terms of food, knowing what kind of foods don't work for me (sweets, cheese and coffee, for example) and such little things make it easy to follow what sounds like a boring plan. 

3. Spend more time with family

I mean real time, not virtual time. It's annoying how people sit in the same room and either watch TV wordlessly or scroll through useless messages on WhatsApp. Oh the malice of those forwarded messages! When you're with your loved ones, give them the best of you, no? Play real games together - do you even know where your ludo/monopoly/carrom board/hangman/jenga is? 

4. Be brave

It takes bravery to stand up for the right things, specially if it is something you've been living with since forever. I think it works better to act and do than simply criticise things or complain. Sure, we need to speak up when no one else is, but it must be accompanied by a strong belief and followed by the right action. Being brave is also about respecting yourself - your limits, your ethics, your feelings. Let go of the emotional baggage. I've decided to simply call it quits with whatever/whoever I feel is dragging me down. I seriously have spent a good part of two-three years recovering from the loss of a loved one, and I'm seriously much, much grateful to those who understood, gave me space and stuck with me throughout. If you've seen the worst of me, you are the only one who deserves my best. So I'm reserving it for you. If, on the other hand, you're among those with whom I spent good times, but we drifted apart during the bad, I simply want to thank you for giving me those good times. It's just that I cannot feel enough to share my life with you ever since I realized that some of you only care about the good. 

In short, I'll just be me. The reserved, shy or whatever girl I have always been. No trying hard for anyone except those who matter. I'd rather reserve such energies for my work, right? 

5. Work. Work hard.

I actually love this phase of life. You're not bound by a certain kind of education, but you're free to pick and choose what to learn. You don't have heavy responsibilities at home, and you can spend time on yourself. The best thing in this case would be to dedicate yourself to your work, learn the trade and gain as much knowledge as you can. This year will definitely be one where I'm a little more sure about my goals, where I want to be, and making the most of what I get. It's starkly different from the same time last year when I was filled with uncertainty. Funny how much can happen in such a short time. So if you have goals to accomplish and you have the time, I guess that's all the motivation you need to get going. Ditch the distractions and just work. You'll be surprised how the rest of your life falls into place. That is, if you do it nicely and right. :) 

6. Help

The last year was also a time I learned how charity cannot be defined, because there are just so many ways to help other people. It's also true - charity begins at home. There's little point carrying stacks of clothes for NGOs when there is a family in your relations who needs it more. Then there are also the little gestures of connecting with people who seem lonely. It won't be a great idea to be the best of buddies, however, especially if you're a good listener. But it really varies from person to person. Just consciously try being a little more kind in general, with everybody, and like charity, even kindness begins at home. :)  

    |     The little things:    |

- Make the bed every morning. It actually takes less than a minute!

Action taken: Already started

- Keep the curtains on the windows open so you can wake up to sunlight. *_* This however, depends on whether or not sunlight reaches that window :P

Action taken: Windows cleaned, space behind it cleared. 

- Start taking care of misplaced objects in the house. Cleaning my room every few months is definitely not enough. If I feel irritable not finding something at the right place, I should myself put misplaced objects in their proper places, right? Plus, it's exercise.

Action taken: None. 

- Make the effort to step down the bed and put that dream-notebook and a pen under the pillow. Did I ever tell you how cool it is to be able to wake up and quickly scribble the part of dreams you remember? You anyway forget them after a few minutes, if not seconds, so why not write them down to remember them for later? I'm not sure what this activity achieves, except feeling good about having a weird habit :P Besides, not every thing has to have a reason. Some things just are. 

Action taken: Managed to mentally adjust getting up slowwwly, and scribbling in the half-light with partly closed eyes. Discontinued since a few weeks; need to take it up again.

- Reduce time spent on social networking sites. 

Action taken: Struggling, but persevering. At least I've managed to block out useless information and not be affected by stupid news, so that's cool.

- Follow the happiness-inducing things I started in mid 2014 when it became crucial to do so. Now that it's become a habit, let it be. :)
Action taken: Been doing it since the past few months. 

- Speak in English. It sounds funny, but I'm a lot better at writing than speaking. I mean, even G gives me a complex sometimes, so you can figure it out. And now that I've made it public, I guess I'll consciously be motivated to do it.
Action taken: Do it whenever I remember it!

- Okay, I've been postponing putting this ever since I started writing the points, and it's not exactly a 'small' thing, but let's just say it is. Learning to prepare small meals for whenever I'm hungry! I know, it's embarrassing to admit that I know absolutely zilch about preparing food. It's complicated, so I won't bother to explain it here. I'll just spend a part of weekends with mom, learning how to boil eggs, for instance. (Goodbye people who would undoubtedly be running away after this! :P)
Action taken: Except for three experiments this year, nothing.

- Stealing some points from a friend's post, I'll add 'preparing and setting out clothes for the next day, the night before' purely because I spend a lot of time staring at the clothes and ending up wearing the same, usual ones without experimenting!
Action taken: Nada

Dear 2015, I hope you've realized that I'm completely prepared to make the best of you. You should be as excited as I am and be with me.

***

A very happy New Year, dear readers! Wishing you all a year full of happiness and great experiences. Thank you for reading my life stories blog and often writing to me. It feels great to have friends like you. :)

Do you have your own set of resolutions or plans for the year? I'd love it if you'd share them with me!

A tiny post on a teen pop star of my time.

This is going to be a very open post, so I'd suggest you be really open-minded before reading it. 

Ready?

I spent this evening listening to songs by Hannah Montana. Wait, before you get all 'such a kid' or 'immature choice' or whatever else, hear me out. I was supposed to find some fun songs for kids, but while that didn't happen, I ended up listening to, and watching, stage performances by Hannah Montana, the teen pop star of our age (by our age, I mean the 2000s when I was a teen). Why am I choosing to write such a detail?

Because going back to something that was important to me once upon a time (yes, it was), I was reminded of my old self. The one who had so many dreams in her eyes, the one who believed anything in the world is possible if she wished it, the one who felt greatly inspired by this teenage girl who seemed to be living her dreams, singing songs that actually made sense. By looking at an old version of a star-gone-wrong, I was reminded of how some things are eternal, like songs. Even when the person isn't the same anymore, or even when I'm not the same, it is possible to feel inspired, and feel good all the same. Even after all this time. Even after you seemed to have forgotten how it used to be.

It might not make a lot of sense to a lot of people. There are after all, many great artists in the world, and being in my twenties, I should rather be a fan of One Republic, Ed Sheeran, Imagine Dragons or someone else considered 'cool'; if I were to seem a little childlike, perhaps Taylor Swift or One Direction. However, I have never been too much into songs, even though I've heard, and love, songs by all the above-mentioned artists. The main point is that it actually means something to you. If you liked dancing to Vengaboys and Aqua as a kid, you'd like those songs even when you're older, because they remind you of something that's inherently a part of you. Hannah Montana reminds me of those evenings when a new episode would air on TV, of that first time I discovered downloading pictures from the internet and saving them as desktop backgrounds, because the artist I chose to put on display was Hannah Montana. She reminds me of my own insecurities, hopes and fears as a teen, to which she bore either the answers or dreams or dressing-up ideas. She reminds me how I decided that I'd publicly sing her songs, This is the Life and Just Like You when I realize my own dreams. 

She might not be as talented or popular as others, but she managed to inspire many others after her. She was a good entertainer, and with those fun-yet-sensible lyrics in songs, she ensured that I still am able to sing-along to most of her songs as Hannah Montana. That was also the time when she gradually turned over to becoming just Miley Cyrus, of whom I wasn't as much of a fan. Perhaps I preferred the idea of having a fun facade over your real self, where you can do whatever you wish to under a separate name, a different identity, and not have to live with the real-world consequences to your real life (not that living as HM was easy, but still). I could have started hating her when she turned weird some time ago, but all I did was ignore the new version, and stuck to the old. Being a fan, I should have perhaps followed her to wherever she went, but like I said, I'm not too much into songs and similar entertainment (singers, movies, TV shows, etc), so it didn't matter as much. What matters is how someone makes you feel. So if, even after years, some version of her still manages to inspire me, why should I be embarrassed to admit that I like that artist? After all, she perhaps predicted it in her song, and ever since I heard it, I knew it to be true:

Nobody's perfect

I gotta work it

Again and again

'Til I get it right

Nobody's perfect

You live and you learn it

And if I mess it up sometimes

Nobody's perfect

When you know what it means to feel happy... :)

The past few days, weeks and unfortunately even months, I had kind of lost myself. It might not have been too visible, but I was completely going through a light internal struggle, a new me trying to permeate the transparent boundary surrounding my real self, the self that has always tried to fight the resisting forces, those that force you to believe or act in a certain way. I've always been kind of a rebel, so much so that even if there's a chance that I'd agree to something, I'd still first resist it a little. The thing is, I lowered my defenses and that was when the mean, external forces grabbed hold of me, seeped in through the loopholes and settled inside. I did not even quite know what had happened. There was a big change in the routine with the change in campus and with all the initial excitement, I was going through a million different emotions, unable to ascertain anything for sure, just swimming in them trying to stay afloat. 

Just in the past few days when I could reflect back, I realized how pointless it all is. I mean, getting up with a heavy head at 5.30 in the morning, assaulting the mobile phone and pressing snooze ten times, finally getting up, running out at 7.15 without breakfast (who gets hungry just as they get up?), catching breath only on boarding the metro, keeping a hand on the pocket to ensure the new mobile phone doesn't pop out with all the running (yes yes. I ditched my lovable Nokia for a smartphone. I'll make up a post soon), then Metro-ing, then choosing between walking to college or taking a rickshaw, enduring sleep-inducing classes and then drinking a thousand cups of tea with Parle-G biscuits to keep us awake (okay, it's only in the early mornings), then trying to avoid the monkeys in the evenings, who are so mean they'd drop right by your side unexpectedly and if you have an ice-cream in your hand, don't contest it, just drop it and move away! Reaching home at 7.30 and feeling absolutely dizzy and sleepy. Still staying awake to do some useless assignment where you don't even use your brain because by that time you aren't left with any energy to use your mental faculties, then after a little bit of socializing - or rather, talking to friends who help you survive the days - you drop dead asleep and then follow the same routine. Before you know, a month has passed you by and you're being faced with a week full of mid-sem exams (already!) and then there comes a point when you just don't want to give a damn! 

That's when something strikes and you remember your old self, your previous, uncaring and I-don't-give-a-damn self when you stopped all the things you had to do and just blogged randomly. *Takes a deep breath* That's how it is now. A yet-to-do assignment, three mid-sem tests in the week, presentations and all such useless stuff. I was motivated with the scholarship thingy, that you get a few thousand bucks per semester if you fall into the top six and having earned it twice, I turned greedy. But I realized, it's not worth it. My head hurts everyday, I'm more worried about the fact I'll forget every thing, I'll be useless even after MBA, than actually trying to learn and understand what is being taught. I'm sorry, I can't compromise on happiness and laughter because of this. I can still do well in life, thank you very much. 

It's been a couple of days that I've been feeling exceedingly light and happy, far more happy than I've been in ages. I've dropped the extra, redundant efforts put into college stuff, I've stopped caring about 'other' people, I've been sticking to my promises (mostly), trying to make people who matter to me, smile a little bit wider, I've met and laughed with friends who matter the most-est to me and it feels exceptionally good. I can't help smiling, or laughing at the tiniest things. I don't mind the slight backache when we randomly go to ride a kids' dragon ride and sitting there stuck because the seats are too small, because we're having crazy fun. I have very few close friends. I'm not much of a hey-you're-my-best-friend person. My best friends have all landed in my life from awesome planets from where they were sent to take care of an extremely adorable soul a.k.a. me :P You bet, they're so lucky they once cried, everyone all at once, just thinking about their awesome luck. Okay, I'll stop before I get murdered before even writing in my will where my books should go. Because you know, some of those best friends have got their eyes on my bookish treasures. -_-

Yeah so. One of these special people is about to start a new phase in life, for which we're all super excited of course and we met yesterday to celebrate it. Like one of us said afterwards, 'it was awesome. Happiness, emotions, fun, all rolled into one', which perfectly summarizes those moments. It was just like a closure on all the negativity. I don't just care. I'm cool with everything, I don't want to think about stuff that's tension-inducing. Mind you, you self-obsessed folks-who-can't-just-rest-until-the-world-listens-to-what-they-have-to-say, if you've read this and if you still try to create that pathetic environment around me once again, you're going to get a royal ignore plus a fall in any pinch of respect I've still got for you. I've bounced back to being myself. I think I've put back a stronger cover. You know how when in school, people ask what you want to be when you grow up and you say something that sounds really impressive. Even now when I'm told or suggested by well wishers, some avenues for a career where I can foray into, I'm not concerned about anything but the real 'job' I'd be doing. "What is the work?" is what matters to me. No one seems to get it, though.

Another thing I have always been clear about is that whatever I do, it should make me happy. Call it being self-centered or whatever. If I'm not happy with it, I'm not doing it. I'm not a person who can live with a sinking feeling all the time. I need boosting up, I need great friends for that, I need to feel happy and awesome and light from within. I'm not that strong when I've to deal with separations. I hate separations. If I've ever loved you in any way, I don't want to let go, not even temporarily. Permanence is a killer. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Call it a weakness or discuss it in an 'intra-personal process' class in psych, I don't care. That's how I am. I need happiness and after months of trying to understand what's being going on inside, I think I've found it. I've got amazing family, even extended ones. So welcoming and always loving. I've got some friends I can't think to part with. In a weird weird weird world if I could have my way, I would have set up a nice camp on a beautiful countryside, but with mountains in the distance and woods and streams flowing by, and living with all those I love. No matter who they are or where they've come from. I'm happy, everywhere I look, I see people smiling. The little kid in the park who says a high-pitched 'Hi', the person at the metro station you accidentally bumped into, smiling and nodding instead of staring daggers, feeling connected to everyone you see.... it's all a nice, warm feeling I never want to let go. No matter what you give me, dear life, I know what it is to be happy and I intend to keep it to myself. Forever. :D

A place like this? Super yes! :D :P

PS- Hiya! I've got loads to share. Hint hint: another metro diaries post too! :D How have you all been? :)

Dream a paradise...

Popping open an eye, she saw Mother tangled up in affairs,

Chanced upon the opening, but Mother was fast, shushed her

Slid her back, retreating into the cosy cocoon.

She closed her eyes, and dreamt of a paradise,

Recalled the green-blue glimpse, so away from her reach

Pretty nectared flowers, and bees and winds.

 

Pic from Google

Frowned Mother, That’s rubbish, she said,

“Out there” is wild and wrong and perilous

Home is shelter, home is where you’ll always be.

Gaze dropped to her developing form, too small for the cocoon,

But Mother, she worried, I’m feeling suffocated!

Can I have a go at my paradise?

Don’t be ridiculous, Mother replied, There’s no paradise,

There are falls and hurts and beasts and tides

You’ll suffer in life and then cease to survive.

She closed her eyes, imagined the paradise,

That seemed so perfect, so “for her”

Please Mother? She pleaded. No, came the reply.

And hence she never knew, what it was like,

To live, to learn, to love, to know

For she stopped breathing before any real tide.

Pic from Google

I honestly don’t know what this is. Not a poem, just words strung together to make a story I didn’t know how to write. I hope the message of the story is clear: life is supposed to be lived, to actually do what you want, but can you really? Most of the times, it’s your guardians who do “too much”: worry too much, protect too much, say ‘No’ too much. “Too much” is actually too bad. No one needs to die in a cocoon or to miss out on living like everyone else. The suffocation, the protection is not worth losing out on the thrill and happiness of the freedom. True, there are horrors, but somewhere in between, there is a paradise. Let us find it. And it’s not enough to dream about it.

PS- I could have scheduled this and posted later, but either because I’m loving the new look so much that I want to write, or that I really can’t bear the wait to post what I wrote, for two days later! Now is now is now. Anyway, tell me: did that really make any sense?

PPS- It might have been inspired by Coldplay’s “Paradise”, which I’ve listened to a million times since last night. Yep, I’m not kidding. Not even remotely. 

Will you always remember?

When I say that among the many things I truly wish to do, is to affect lives in a positive way, to make a difference to someone, to be the one who cared, who understood, who was with them when they really needed someone, it's purely because that's how I want to be remembered. Positive, the reason for a smile, a laugh, a much-needed closure, an understanding, anything that's good. Someone who's not well-known, but you love her because she's been, or done something you hold close to your heart, something that really matters to you. That's a long way to go, especially considering how moody I can be. Sweet one moment and upset and irritable the next, but I try. One of my biggest fears is "being forgotten". 

That's not because once in Class IX when we returned to the school after a picnic, my parents did forget me, as no one turned up to pick me up and I had to make a call home to remind someone that a kid is missing from the household (Hey, that day we were shifting to our new home and everyone was running around, but still. Who forgets their kid?). No, that's not the reason. And I'm not sure of any other reason either. I suppose it's because I love my life, even with all its flaws and all my flaws and I don't want to think it's all for nothing. That one day this life would become so insignificant, it'd be as if it never was. Maybe we all are tiny insignificant dots, but I don't want to believe it. I like to think I have a place somewhere in the puzzle, some place where I click, where I'm important, where even after I'm not physically present, I won't be forgotten.

This sounds scandalously depressing. Don't you worry,
it's nothing more than introspection! :P

But does that really happen? Someone from the family, the first someone you saw going lifeless, the someone who mattered the world to you, who defined you in so many ways.... doesn't that someone deserve to be remembered? Of course they do. You remember them, but when? Initially all the time, then sometimes when you feel lonely and then after maybe a couple of years (or way sooner, in some cases), only when you see something they touched, something that was close to both of you, or when you remember something important about yourself and realize they had a role in it. Otherwise days pass and they don't come to your head. You move on. Like the Old Man (in Looking for Alaska) says, "Everything that comes together, falls apart". I guess it's natural then. Maybe what I wish for is also materialistic, because all of us are meant to be coming and going, coming together and then falling apart, as a cycle. Not meant to be a cog, because it's not mechanical, rather, natural. 

This feeling was further attacked when I read (again, in Looking for Alaska), these lines that suggest we will be forgotten. "Someday no one will remember that she ever existed, or that I did. Because memories fall apart, too. And then you're left with nothing, left not even with a ghost but with its shadow. In the beginning, she had haunted me, haunted my dreams, but even now, just weeks later, she was slipping away, falling apart in my memory and everyone else's, dying again." But even then, there has to be something. If not forever, till the maximum possible time? Like we see things and feelings and think of a particular person. Which means some sort of materialism is important. Look, it's important to me to be remembered and I'm not so sure of just a memory. It can fade. If there's something to remind you of me, I'd be more than willing to add that to the memory too. If you don't believe in it, for me, please do. 

That's about "things". As for "feelings", I suppose "love" is the answer. Everyone needs it and everyone values it (maybe not, but who knows?). Overall, I didn't even need to write this post, because something someone said made it all clear. But I guess it's the O.C.D., I need to double-check everything, my clarity on topics included. The thing that made everything clear? A friend said, "If someone touches your heart and influences your life in a certain way, you are bound to remember them, sometime or the other. That picture always stays behind. Memories fade away but a person's mark on your heart, if he or she has left, never drives away. It always exists."  ^_^ THANKYOU! :)

PS- One, I'm totally living in Looking for Alaska. I don't know when I'll be able to come out of it.

Two, I'm writing shorter posts these days.

Three, point number two is really scaring the hell out of me.