2016 Recap; Hello 2017!

Another year gone, seemingly in the blink of an eye (why o why? Take it slow, life!), and all I can think is, "THIS was the year of absolute changes and it's incredible how I've come to accept and embrace it." You know how I would always state that I don't really like changes, but then comes a time in life when you are so severely tested that it finally dawns upon your scorched soul that changes can be for the better and it'd be wise to enjoy life the way it is. No whining.

I'll be frank. I did whine. A lot. 2016 brought with it tons of mind-boggling situations, major decision-making, super annoyances BUT with the grace of the almighty (and my restored faith in Him) the year ended quite pleasantly. Here's a summary of 2016 (including resonant answers to deep questions):

2016 brought me to the edge. It was scary but the view was exciting.

January 2016--March 2016

1. Reminiscing the past by re-reading Harry Potter! I ended up reading just the first four books, after which life happened I realised we need to work to survive.

Lesson learned: Work is important, but not important enough to discontinue reading Harry Potter! Nothing ever is.

2. Feeling inhibitions that my three-month old workplace isn't ideal. The feeling quickly escalated and I began a job search in the same industry (aka publishing aka the home for my beloved books). Lesson learned: Listen to your heart and begin looking for a job right when you feel it! The process takes ages and you might end up losing your sanity if you aren't quick enough. I saved mine, thank goodness!

Is this what I came for? Err...

3. Travelling to Jaipur with a couple of girl-friends just to chill and relax. Experienced life in Zostel, roamed around the city markets, visited historical forts and acted like typical tourists. #itwasfun

Lesson learned: Trips with friends always equal jannat.

4. Securing a freelance work op with a biggie publisher. Hi-5! The best two months of my work life (after which... erm... please don't ask. Kbye.)

Lesson learned: Don't judge yourself based on others' opinion of you. Also, good times don't last. But again, it's all for the best!

*sigh* Good days!

April 2016--June 2016

1. The family trip to Australiaaa. Those days I felt like I knew what it means to be truly happy--it was such an amazing trip! You can read about it in the previous post.

Lesson learned: The frog needs to get out of the well more often.

Because the world can be fun!

2. Hard luck and illness can strike anyone, even a 5yo barely two months into school. My beautiful nephew was diagnosed with cancer. We did some fundraising to help the family cover treatment costs. It was an overwhelming experience for us all as we saw people from all walks of life come forward to help.

Lesson learned: You can never know beforehand who's going to be your support in times of trouble. Be grateful for everything.

Update: His initial phase of chemo is almost at a close, and he seems to be doing well. Much love and appreciation for everyone's help. :')
You can follow his story on this Facebook page.

July 2016--September 2016

1. Desperation at the job front, looking at other industries and failing classically. Realising that successes are hard to get, and keeping one's will power in check requires every ounce of effort one can muster.

Lesson learned: Keep going. Be visibly appreciative of family and friends who stick with you even when they suffer the effects of your mood swings.

October 2016--December 2016

1. Incessant prayers worked their magic and I got just the very thing I wanted. It also feels quite exciting, so yay!

Lesson learned: Feel free to weave your dreams, but always go with the flow. Every experience gives lasting value and shapes your mind, psychology and behaviour. Be open and accepting, and before you know, you'll get what's best for you. And you'll know it when you see it!

If only I looked just as cute!

I recently came across these lines by the philosopher Socrates, which resonated with me instantly:  “If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”

2. Friendships have incredible power. Those who believe in you when you yourself don't, those who "make the effort" to help ease things for you, they're the ones to hug tight!
Lesson learned: More often than not, you wouldn't see it when you're low, because it's extremely trying to think of anything but your helplessness, but every once in a while when the depressing feeling passes, you'll see the depths of your friendships (or the extreme shallowness of some, for that matter). When you see it, you'll work at becoming a better friend yourself.

~ ~ ~

Matters of interest

1. I'm a lot more confident now, thanks to the tough situations I faced this year. I also met new people and it was fantastic!

2. I realised that hard work pays. You just have to stay cool, calm and confident, and believe you're going to win. That way, even if you lose, you still feel like a winner--rejuvenated and energized to start all over again or to look for alternatives, both of which are equally important.

3. Life is finite and too short to

- worry over materialistic gains

- overthink about what someone said to you out of ignorance or spite

- not enjoy each day

- spend time eating junk food
- think about people

Always!

4. Sometimes you are just not the same you as before. It can be a painful transition, knowing you don't feel like doing the things you liked doing, but at some point of time comes the ultimate relief--an inner acceptance of things that doesn't burden you with guilt or regret. It's pure evolution when you look at life from the other end of the kaleidoscope and find the view just as mesmerizing.

That's a lot about 2016 (not by my standards, and you know it. But I gotta think about you too), so let's move on to the much-sought-after things in 2017! Woohoo!

#1: The new job! I'm nervous and excited and it feels like I'm being given a second life. Thank you, dear God. I'll make you proud.

#2: My girl-best friend's wedding!!!! OMG I never before knew weddings could be so exciting! #funahead

Gonna be like this :P

#3: Becoming a kickass book blogger (I'll be here too, my pet). I will admit--I sucked at blogging in 2016 and I'm not even using the but-my-brain-was-dead-with-other-things excuse. I didn't even read 50 books (I think. I need to check Goodreads right away! Ohman. I read 39 books, the lowest in five years! I know, I know. I had decided not to go with numbers but you can't help taking a peek every month or so, especially when you have been overachieving your goals for years. I'm gonna make up for it this year. I mean, I MISS BOOKS! It's weird--the one whole year I worked in publishing, I read the least number of books. #thissucks) 

Anyway, this means I'm gonna be on the lookout for the latest books AND find my way to them AND devour them like a hungry bookworm AND post amazing reviews on my blog here (Subscribe if you haven't. I promise you won't regret it.) I might get into bookstagram too. You never know. (But you'll know if I do, because if you read this, you're bound to follow my bookstagram (which is instagramming about books)). Naturally I'll be into photography as well.

#4: Read more (as mentioned in #3) and read DIVERSE. Ugh, just read!!! I don't even like myself when I haven't read enough.

#5: Learn other language(s): Includes Punjabi (which I should have by this time), Spanish (which I should have remembered, having learned it for two years), French (just 'cuz I wanna. Also 'cuz I make insane goals).

#6: Learn about make-up and hairstyling: I'll do this at a very basic level, but I'll do it! Why? (And YOU, the friend, stop looking at me like that.) Because I'm a girl and a grown-up and I still don't know about these two essential things. I mean, why look average when you can look excellent?

#7: Don't waste time thinking about or because of people. Just do your own thing because your time is the most important thing--why not spend it in a useful activity?

#8: Keep the phone/computer away before bedtime. It's not only harmful but I haven't read a book at bedtime the ENTIRE year because of these two addictions. In fact, this reminds me, I haven't recharged my poor Kindle for two whole months! #stopthisatrocitynow

I wanttt!

#9: Say it. A lot of things go unspoken just because I'm confused about the other person's mindset (which is a rarity, because generally I know it by instinct, so people who confuse me also interest me greatly!). Therefore, to save myself the pain of overthinking, I will just be upfront and ask what the matter is! 

#10: Be chill. Enjoy life. Spend time with friends. Laugh more often (this is a need because I've had people tell me I don't smile enough and it feels so weird because... I don't know. I'm happy but it doesn't show on my face for some reason? Of course people aren't like people at home who can crack me up in a second, and they know my laugh is no less than a full-blown guffaw.) Anyway, laugh when someone cracks a joke. :P

#11: Learn more about Sikhism and teach you peoples about it too. I've done some reading and listening in 2016 and it has made me feel ever so lucky to have been born in this community, and it inspires me to live up to the name and do what we're supposed to do as Sikhs (be charitable, be kind, be truthful, be strong and fight for rights, to begin with). Also, today celebrates 350th birth anniversary of the tenth guru, Guru Gobind Singh Ji, also founder of the Khalsa and the one who instructed Sikhs to follow the Guru Granth Sahib Ji as the Guru to know about God and ways to live life. A powerful warrior and spiritual leader, Guru Gobind Singh Ji inspires us even today. I'd recommend this 43 minute documentary on his life: Life of Guru Gobind Singh Ji.

That's a lot to remember for a year, so I'll stop at that. I'm just happy 2016 is over and the new year comes with new promises and I am in a mindset to enjoy it, which is so awesome. Yay! How did 2016 treat you guys? Any resolutions for 2017?

# 10: Inside a mind

You wouldn't know, when you've lived, 
A thousand times, inside a mind.

Inside that mind, you are cherished, for the beauty of your eyes,
And the beauty of your smile, for the grace of your style, for how you can walk for miles.

Inside that mind, your heart is of gold, your words full of wisdom,
And your deeds full of love; you are worthy of ruling a kingdom.

Inside that mind, your work is pure, your will-power is inspiring,
And your thoughts are those, that could relieve the world, suffering.

That mind is the one, inside which your cares and trials, are seen as personal enemies,
They have not just you, but the mind's owner, to fight them and bring them to their knees.

For this is how beautifully you live inside a mind,
Not just once, but perhaps a thousand times.
Don't you wish you could realize,
You could live outside, just as you live inside a mind? 

Why don't you let light fall all over you?

When were you last... ?

When were you last so blissful that no woe could fade away your smile?

When were you last so hardy that no defect could stop that walk of an extra mile?

When were you last so tranquil that no devil could take away your serenity?

When were you last so verbose that no duster could take you to brevity?

You don’t remember, do you?

I’ll tell you.

You were last all those things when you were a child.

But you would remember:

When you were so furious you wanted to make them vanish into nothingness.

When you were so afraid you believed you were really defenseless.

When you were so envious you made your own and others’ lives hell.

When you were so heartbroken you lost awareness of when the tears fell.

You remembered, didn’t you?

Because now you’re an adult.

Now don't feel hopeless. You will remember some day, maybe even be.

Till then, like this stick in the dark, smile and try to be happy.

2015: Here's how you should be for me

Are the years passing by so quickly or what? It all zeroes down to spending all your time either studying through the years and/or being so into technology that you don't realize how quickly your time's running. If you don't believe me, try spending two hours in a sunny park on a winter afternoon, without your cell phone or any other tech device. It'll seem like ages as you peacefully read a book or just watch little kiddies play weird games. Then observe the next two hours at home. Trust me, it'll be a good five hours before you realize how much time has passed. Yesterday, I was talking about a black colour sketch I'd made of a couple of famous personalities, when I realized that I'd made those in 2002. It didn't even seem like a long time, but calculate it and you'd see that it's been more than twelve years! How do you feel when you look at life running through your hands like this? Don't you feel like easing out a bit, living more and running less? With this realization, I've decided to ask God and 2015 to go easy on me.

|      What I learned in 2014      |

Last year, I'd thought that 2014 would be an amazing year, especially since 2013 was just so annoying. It was partly true, because 2014 was a mix of amazing experiences but also some really bad ones. Nevertheless, it was also a year when I learned a lot, and at an entirely another level too! I think I finally grew up, mentally, emotionally, demographically. I'm no longer a formal student (because people like me never stop being students of some sort :P ), and that has marked my entry into another level of life. Surprisingly, it's one where I've learned that fear is overrated. As students, we're constantly being made to fear the 'real' world where there's 'cut-throat competition' and all that blah blah. I personally feel that there's enough space for everybody, if only you truly believe that. If you keep the silly competition in mind, you'll be forever stressed and keep running around and it'll be a long time before you realize that you're not even running for yourself, but for others. We need to really take a chill pill, spend productive time working on bettering ourselves and only look at other, successful people for inspiration, not jealousy.

You might have been asked to change your schedule, plan your day and be disciplined when you were preparing for your Board exams, but the fact is that more than then, you need to bring all that discipline now. Once you start working, if you have any kind of a future goal, you will have to consciously take a step back from all things that are limiting or hurting your feelings, and bring your focus to those that'll help you get better. I talk of feelings because they're more important than things you have or the money you earn. Feelings make your entire world; keep them safe. Protect yourself from bad feelings, stay away from people who make you feel guilty for no fault of yours, or make you wish you weren't with them. You are most important for yourself, because you can never love anyone else unless you're at peace with yourself. Just first and foremost, focus and work hard on being the best version of yourself, and present it to your loved ones. The rest will follow on its own.

I learned that some people will try bringing you down, just because they might be insecure themselves, or just because they can't help it. Sometimes it's not even intentional. Like every relationship, you have to work to make it better. It's no guarantee that it'll be better. If you see that the effort is not reciprocated or even after ten times of talking through it you don't 'feel' it's working, say a genuine apology and walk out. If it really means a lot to you, it'll work out for the better. If not, respect your feelings and do what makes you feel better.

I read quite a lot of books last year, and apart from numbers, I read the kind of books I hadn't read so far. Most of it was because of the entry into a new phase of life and working for it, but I have to say that I learned and matured a lot because of it. New genres, understanding books in depth, being more accepting to styles of writing and content that I positively looked down on earlier, I realized you really have to experience things first hand to understand them properly. The close people in my life have seen this marked, almost funny change. You thought I wasn't capable of making crass jokes, using colourful language or calling people deluded? You'd be in for a surprise the next time you talked to me. :P

I've also learned, after a lot of denial, that the way I wrote my blog posts earlier is a thing of the past. Unless I force myself (which I don't) or unless it's a rare mood swingy thing, my style of writing has definitely changed.

Among all this, I've learned how important friends are, specially when you're emotionally fluctuating from one point to the other; how assuring it is to know that you trust someone outside your immediate family to always be there when you need them. I've learned to cherish such people.  

|      Welcome, 2015!       |

I've been a regular resolution maker. That's how I actually keep my mental state intact, as a matter of fact. While working on a book on philosophy last month, I came across a line that said how it's important to have a philosophy of your own, how you cannot really know your ethics, morals and value system unless there is a set of philosophies you believe in and follow. So that explains how I need certain guidelines I set for myself at the beginning of each year. It's a different matter that the year's also interspersed with interim guidelines.

For the next year, I've decided to take into consideration all that I've learned so far, and consciously tell myself what to do and what things to follow. Most of these are the 'small changes' we can make in life to make it better and easy. These have been created from the perspective of improving what needs improvement and ditching whatever is extra. Let me know if you identify with any of these!

1. Read qualitatively

Participating in the Goodreads reading challenge the past three years, I've read nearly 175 books. It might not be a big number for a lot of people, but it was definitely a delight for me! The past year as I struggled to make the numbers reach my goal of 60, I realized how I'd fallen into the numbers trap. When you read with even the tiniest idea that it'd help increase a number, it's not the same. The more I read, the more I realized it wasn't giving as much happiness as it used to. Add to it the new job, where I figured it'd be better if I sometimes, somehow emotionally detached myself from what I was reading or working on, because of course, feelings. Those brutes need the most care.

So for the next year, I've decided to chill, not make any quantitative goals, read whatever I like or am interested in, with absolutely no expectations. I'd be rereading a lot of my favourites, including the Harry Potter series and some books I loved from the previous years (will update the book blog with the details soon). That way, I'll be reading more for the pleasure (or work) and not because it is a chore. I just can't wait to start! *_*

2. Take care of health

I'm not old, but I've realized that a lot of junk food is totally 'college-y' for me. It just doesn't feel as exciting as it did. Now eating out frequently makes me feel like I've become a baby elephant. To stay healthy and able to fit into my clothes easily, I'd be monitoring and improving my water intake, carrying a water bottle every time I go out, reduce the ordering out food/snacks to once in two weeks or longer if I can help it. More than that, I will not stress about this either. Carrying little amounts of healthy snacks so I won't feel impulsive in terms of food, knowing what kind of foods don't work for me (sweets, cheese and coffee, for example) and such little things make it easy to follow what sounds like a boring plan. 

3. Spend more time with family

I mean real time, not virtual time. It's annoying how people sit in the same room and either watch TV wordlessly or scroll through useless messages on WhatsApp. Oh the malice of those forwarded messages! When you're with your loved ones, give them the best of you, no? Play real games together - do you even know where your ludo/monopoly/carrom board/hangman/jenga is? 

4. Be brave

It takes bravery to stand up for the right things, specially if it is something you've been living with since forever. I think it works better to act and do than simply criticise things or complain. Sure, we need to speak up when no one else is, but it must be accompanied by a strong belief and followed by the right action. Being brave is also about respecting yourself - your limits, your ethics, your feelings. Let go of the emotional baggage. I've decided to simply call it quits with whatever/whoever I feel is dragging me down. I seriously have spent a good part of two-three years recovering from the loss of a loved one, and I'm seriously much, much grateful to those who understood, gave me space and stuck with me throughout. If you've seen the worst of me, you are the only one who deserves my best. So I'm reserving it for you. If, on the other hand, you're among those with whom I spent good times, but we drifted apart during the bad, I simply want to thank you for giving me those good times. It's just that I cannot feel enough to share my life with you ever since I realized that some of you only care about the good. 

In short, I'll just be me. The reserved, shy or whatever girl I have always been. No trying hard for anyone except those who matter. I'd rather reserve such energies for my work, right? 

5. Work. Work hard.

I actually love this phase of life. You're not bound by a certain kind of education, but you're free to pick and choose what to learn. You don't have heavy responsibilities at home, and you can spend time on yourself. The best thing in this case would be to dedicate yourself to your work, learn the trade and gain as much knowledge as you can. This year will definitely be one where I'm a little more sure about my goals, where I want to be, and making the most of what I get. It's starkly different from the same time last year when I was filled with uncertainty. Funny how much can happen in such a short time. So if you have goals to accomplish and you have the time, I guess that's all the motivation you need to get going. Ditch the distractions and just work. You'll be surprised how the rest of your life falls into place. That is, if you do it nicely and right. :) 

6. Help

The last year was also a time I learned how charity cannot be defined, because there are just so many ways to help other people. It's also true - charity begins at home. There's little point carrying stacks of clothes for NGOs when there is a family in your relations who needs it more. Then there are also the little gestures of connecting with people who seem lonely. It won't be a great idea to be the best of buddies, however, especially if you're a good listener. But it really varies from person to person. Just consciously try being a little more kind in general, with everybody, and like charity, even kindness begins at home. :)  

    |     The little things:    |

- Make the bed every morning. It actually takes less than a minute!

Action taken: Already started

- Keep the curtains on the windows open so you can wake up to sunlight. *_* This however, depends on whether or not sunlight reaches that window :P

Action taken: Windows cleaned, space behind it cleared. 

- Start taking care of misplaced objects in the house. Cleaning my room every few months is definitely not enough. If I feel irritable not finding something at the right place, I should myself put misplaced objects in their proper places, right? Plus, it's exercise.

Action taken: None. 

- Make the effort to step down the bed and put that dream-notebook and a pen under the pillow. Did I ever tell you how cool it is to be able to wake up and quickly scribble the part of dreams you remember? You anyway forget them after a few minutes, if not seconds, so why not write them down to remember them for later? I'm not sure what this activity achieves, except feeling good about having a weird habit :P Besides, not every thing has to have a reason. Some things just are. 

Action taken: Managed to mentally adjust getting up slowwwly, and scribbling in the half-light with partly closed eyes. Discontinued since a few weeks; need to take it up again.

- Reduce time spent on social networking sites. 

Action taken: Struggling, but persevering. At least I've managed to block out useless information and not be affected by stupid news, so that's cool.

- Follow the happiness-inducing things I started in mid 2014 when it became crucial to do so. Now that it's become a habit, let it be. :)
Action taken: Been doing it since the past few months. 

- Speak in English. It sounds funny, but I'm a lot better at writing than speaking. I mean, even G gives me a complex sometimes, so you can figure it out. And now that I've made it public, I guess I'll consciously be motivated to do it.
Action taken: Do it whenever I remember it!

- Okay, I've been postponing putting this ever since I started writing the points, and it's not exactly a 'small' thing, but let's just say it is. Learning to prepare small meals for whenever I'm hungry! I know, it's embarrassing to admit that I know absolutely zilch about preparing food. It's complicated, so I won't bother to explain it here. I'll just spend a part of weekends with mom, learning how to boil eggs, for instance. (Goodbye people who would undoubtedly be running away after this! :P)
Action taken: Except for three experiments this year, nothing.

- Stealing some points from a friend's post, I'll add 'preparing and setting out clothes for the next day, the night before' purely because I spend a lot of time staring at the clothes and ending up wearing the same, usual ones without experimenting!
Action taken: Nada

Dear 2015, I hope you've realized that I'm completely prepared to make the best of you. You should be as excited as I am and be with me.

***

A very happy New Year, dear readers! Wishing you all a year full of happiness and great experiences. Thank you for reading my life stories blog and often writing to me. It feels great to have friends like you. :)

Do you have your own set of resolutions or plans for the year? I'd love it if you'd share them with me!

You shouldn't always be 'cool with everything'. Here's why...

There are some things that sometimes make me feel guilty. Getting annoyed at something/someone, not feeling quite satisfied with life, finding people in the metro annoying, feeling dizzy looking at newspaper headlines, or news shows that talk about a monkey saving another monkey as headline news. These are recent. Since childhood, I've accumulated quite a lot of similar stories where I was made to feel, and now I automatically feel, guilty about feeling annoyed/irritated/angry/sad at anything I feel is not quite right. It's a reason deep rooted. We're supposed to be good kids and not shout or crib a lot. Of course we should! That's what kids are supposed to actually do. Because when they don't, they keep it inside and start hating everything that's related to the thing they weren't allowed to sulk over. 

Now in this age and time, despite the fact that it feels sickening, we've seen the relative and even absolute importance of being online. That inevitably led to a shift in thoughts - for the good and for the bad. We're exposed to almost everything that happens in the world, yet we don't feel strongly for any one thing. We have all the information that was never there before, yet we cannot make sense of some sensitive topics. We cannot argue with maniacs who've taken over the social media to spread hate messages, because they're beyond control and influencing other maniacs too. And most of all, we cannot express how annoying all this, because we're supposed to 'just chill' and 'be cool with everything.'

Fine, you're propagating peace. No one is allowed to argue or point out the negatives, but why should the world get away with doing something so stupid? We should start speaking up. Not on blogs, not on social media, and certainly not in the form of protests. Don't feel bad about stopping someone from doing something silly just because you don't want to hurt their feelings or spoiling their time after a long day. Speak up even when someone silences you with a 'chill dude' when you protest against a racist remark. Point out when someone in a group cracks a rude joke. Would you rather feel terrible about the kind of people you hang out with, or tell them somehow that they're wrong? Tell them if what they said is wrong. Stop 'chilling'. It's not helping. Neither you, nor the world. You don't feel at peace anyway. You just think you're feeling cool because you fool yourself into believing so.

Taking yet another helping of a large scoop of chocolate ice-cream because the host is forcing you, letting your classmates make you stay for an hour longer because they're still working, letting go of a prejudiced remark because it didn't seem too offensive at the time, laughing at stupid WhatsApp videos people keep sending, looking at people sneaking peeks at other people's cell phones in the metro, a neighbour's pet dog roaming freely around because they say it's harmless - all these have personally been things I've felt guilty about. Not just about letting all that happen, but also about feeling not-so-cool about it. That's the level of stress expectations can have. Why can't I say if I find something wrong? I'm terrified of dogs, so even if he's a harmless half-lion, I will feel bad if you tell me that I'm wrong to say it's not right to leave it out like that. It makes me cringe when people talk in terms of caste and social status about anyone, and then describing them, so I will tell you that you need to shut up. It's not just about how "I" feel, but about right and wrong. This chalta hai attitude is wrong. Nahi chalta aise. 

When you get into the chalta hai attitude, you forget your limits. You cross an invisible line and become one of those who know no better than to just have 'fun' and live for themselves. You show others that it is okay to deviate, to accept what they might feel is wrong, to become 'cool'. 

Src: pinterest

Of course I don't mean you should always be on edge and snap at everything that ticks you off. Sometimes you just cannot point out things directly. Sometimes it's not required. But we need to be aware of what we're doing, what we're saying and how we say it. It's important to know what you think! Most of the times, we're not thinking for ourselves, but simply repeating what others are saying, or worse, what the majority is saying. Take a break, sit back and just think. How do you feel? What makes you feel bad? How can you make a difference? It's not all that difficult, really. You affect the people around you. Stop doing things that you think are wrong. That's it. It's not difficult. When people would see that you don't participate in anything you don't like, they're going to actually feel inspired. Even if they criticize you on your face, they're wondering how you do it. Some might even say that they admire your stand. And if you feel that it'll be difficult, look around. There are always heroes somewhere; someone who's quietly living the way you should. Approach them for help, they'll never refuse. 

So the next time you're tempted to laugh at a sexist joke, stop yourself and tell the person that it's not funny. You should not feel guilty about doing what is right. Never, ever.  

Of verandah cricket and scooter rides...

I had been warned about a lot of things that happen in the 'real' world, things to protect yourself from, just like other normal kids who fear being carried away by a wolf if they venture outside the designated area. Or those who know the possibility of being squashed by a running vehicle if they toddle on the roads. I know, they don't really fear all this with conviction, being the little superheroes they believe themselves to be, but you have to admit that they'd possess a little bit of commonsense in between all that bratiness. (Chill. We're allowed to make up words. Shakespeare made over 1700 of them). Lately, though, I've been having misgivings about this assumption, especially when I take Scoot out. Roads seem to be a lot more safer than the narrow galis, because the children of today are completely convinced that no kind of moving vehicle can ever hurt them. If you doubt it, try riding a two or a four wheeler in a residential lane. Honking won't make them budge and giving them cold stares would make you feel ignored. 

As I stood exasperated, still perched on Scoot, observing with near-amusement the group of small boys and girls on bicycles, giggling and calling each other names, choosing to ignore Scoot inches away from them and its unnecessary honks, I couldn't help thinking of my own childhood and what comprised the world for me. Probably it was a lot more simpler, what with the lack of smartphones and what-not, along with managing school on our own instead of feeling miserable in a tuition class. In any respect, I'm sure we all adore our childhood, however we might have enjoyed it. When I think back to those years in the 90s, vivid memories of various forms of enjoyment seem to be those I cherish the most. It feels somewhat remarkable, and sad, to know that we probably never would do the same things again. What's a better way than to write it down, so that even after years or decades, we can go back to them without having forgotten sweet memories? 

Pic credit: Self

My brother and I were among the minuscule number of kids in our colony, so we were each other's closest playmates. That was probably what ignited our protective instincts for the other, along with developing a habit of hardly ever talking to each other without sarcasm. Till the time G was tiny and didn't know he was supposed to rebel the fountain-like or tiny ponytail hairstyles we made him have, he agreed to be the student when I proudly used a chalk on the small, rough blackboard. That was also when we collectively played with our toys, tiny dolls sitting on top of Anand Cola trucks and vehicles, falling off the tops repeatedly as the trucks swished on the floor. G was not to be restrained to make-believe games for long. He soon found a keen interest in cricket and games involving more physical activity. Having amazing powers of conviction mixed with cuteness, he managed to involve me in any and every sport or game he wanted to play. 

Cricket was something I never said no to. It had soon become a family sport. The narrow lane in front of our home with the park having overgrown grass surrounding one side of it was not an ideal spot, since the ball (that dad later started calling the do dinn wali ball, apparently because it lasted two days before it got lost) was quickly lost, finding its way in an overgrowth or a gutter. Our dad was our favourite playmate, apart from each other. He moved our game indoors and the thin strip of our verandah became our pitch. He acted as the referee and mostly as the batsman who would hit the ball at just the perfect angles for a whoop-inducing catch. I loved catching the ball the most, just a little less than batting. Since the verandah was really narrow, it did not afford space to score by running, so we made our own rules, the most flexible of which I found the one-tip-one-hand rule. If there were more than three balls I hadn't got to catch, I just needed to gesture to dad and he would make the next one an easy catch thrown my way. 

I miss that tiny verandah space the most. It was where G and I had stood because mom wouldn't let us in. Of course, if both of us were ghar nikaloed together, it would hardly matter, for we would start playing any game G would invent. The harder bits were when it was either of us who had been the naughtier one and hence, accorded that punishment. The only solace in that moment when we cried bitterly, lay in the fact that soon, our sibling would find a way to let us in. Sometimes it was G using his convincing skills, or grandmom feeling sorry for us, or the best of all, the alternate door to the house. We soon found a way to overcome our problems by simply, stealthily opening the lock to the alternate door and let the other in. The only hard part would be those minutes, or even hours we'd have to spend hiding under the dining table, cutting the hours till the time we knew mom would be opening the door to let us in. 

It was also the safe space for skating, something I'd learned to love. Although my first independent 'walk' on wheels had been in our drawing-cum-dining room, the verandah had witnessed thousands of tiny rounds when the uneven road outside was deemed unsafe. It then became our basketball court when we got a small basketball, complete with a red netted basket. Cricket though, won over the other sport, being something we enjoyed the most. The verandah saw our first, horrific falls. It was surrounded by a low wall with a broad base where it met the gate. That piece of wall was the perfect spot to perch on, looking over to the narrow lane, the park and the main road beyond that. It was also easily accessible thanks to a cemented base doubling as a resting-stool-stuck-to-the-wall. When I had first fallen off that wall, G had not yet been born and I had made the drop towards the outside lane, fitting my small self into the thankfully dry naali. G's fall, a few years later, was on the inside. Nevertheless, it was our favourite spot. We would sit there in the evenings without electricity, playing games. 

  

There was the letter-box opening in the cemented wall, through which G and I would shoot our water guns at passersby two days preceding Holi. The only scary moment was when one lady didn't seem to have liked it and had suddenly turned towards our house, angry. It was terrifying as we had quickly ducked and like little soldiers, made our way to the metal door leading into the house as fast as we could, the lady's accusatory shouts ringing in our ears as our hearts thumped madly. A few years later, the verandah was witness to and a participator in making me have my first stitch-requiring-injury. We were playing aankh me choli. It did not occur to my super-smart brain that it'd be better to move slowly and I ended up banging my head on a wall. I thought it was okay once I had paused and pressed my hand to the painful spot and the pain had seemed to recede. G was standing stock-still just where he had been and when I had removed my hand and smiled up at him to suggest that I was okay, he had called, 'hawww! khoon!', looking horrified. The next moment I felt a trickle of liquid down my face, the drops landing in red on the floor in quick succession and I had started shrieking at the sight and unnaturalness of it. 

There was a tap right next to that letter-box opening and our perch, which was used to fill up water balloons and store in the bucket on the mornings of Holi. We would excitedly hand over balloons to dad as he sat on his haunches, filling up those water balloons and depositing them in the bucket till G would declare them enough. We spent most of our childhood Holis spraying coloured water on each other in the lane outside the gate, after mom and grandma would go back inside and dad would supervise the game, or click pictures. Balloons were mostly for ourselves, until we were joined by a couple more neighbourhood kids and we realized that there's more to those water bombs than we had imagined. 

Then there was school, of course. I never liked school. It was full of bullies and stupid children who cheated on tests and never left an opportunity to make fun of others. Either this, or the compulsory lessons on classical dance: something or the other was always a flop in my idea of school. I remained in my own world nevertheless, having to come out and act smart only when G started accompanying me to school. We used to make a single-file line even on our bus stop (I still can't believe how they managed to instill that kind of discipline!) and G would sulk, or worse, cry, if he wasn't the first in line. It became a ritual of keeping an eye out on the road as we hurriedly dressed for school at 6.15 in the morning, rushing out to be the first to start the line. I was usually the first one to get ready, so it was an added responsibility to reach the stop earlier to avoid anyone else getting there first, because the not-so-appealing alternative would be to manage an annoying G all the way to school. 

During this time, afternoons were usually monotonous, especially when we returned home. The perks were when we could see our grandmom at the gate to our house, waiting for us. An even added perk was finding our dad along with her. Our little hearts were filled with such enthusiasm at the sight of them that we'd quickly hold hands and cross the road, before G's hand would leave mine and he'd jump over the low wall of the park, cross it and reach dad before I could. Ever since we know, he's always had work in shifts, so we hardly ever knew when he would be there to receive us. If we would be feeling really excited, we'd chant 'scooter pe round' and dropping our bags in the verandah, we'd plant ourselves on the scooter and enjoy the round he'd give. I loved sitting facing backwards during these rounds that probably lasted five minutes, but made us happy for the entire day. Even though I was a preteen already, I don't think I even for a moment considered it as something ridiculous. It's fun, really. It was rather a let down when I badgered dad into letting me sit facing backwards a few days ago and he actually did not move more than a short distance because it was embarrassing. -_- See? That's why I say we need to cherish such things because they're mostly possible only during childhood. :')

There are a lot more stories surrounding childhood, most of which relates to things that were so important to us. Play time was not time pass. It was absolutely essential. It was an important part of our life growing up and made us learn a lot more than watching TV or playing video games ever could. We did succumb to computer games later in the years, but there was always, and still is, that special place reserved for sports or actively engaging games. It's not just something to cherish, but also something to be passed on. It's somewhat disturbing to find kids the same age as we were back then, recklessly driving gear-less scooters in the lanes, or being callous enough to not even consider a motor vehicle coming towards them.  

Do you remember such games or special hangout spots of childhood? Aren't those just too precious? :')

       

The stuff we learn...

You know how it feels when you think you're more mature than you ever were, and you think back to the past and want to kick yourself because what you thought/did/talked about was so stupid? I think this feeling is a constant, as we continue to change each day. I was (kind of still am) a believer in the permanence of things, but I suppose it's a silly thought. Even if you manage to preserve something for centuries (ancient stuff found in museums or even mummies), they're not the same as they were. We change, things change, and in the process, if you're receptive, you'll learn to be at peace with it and even enjoy it. The past few days, I've been thinking about the stuff I used to get so worked up about and wished I hadn't wasted time on it. But then, how was I supposed to know unless I've 'been-there-done-that'? This thought is a consolation, and particularly now, I feel lighter than ever, having made conscious choices and decisions and realizing what suits me best.

It's been hard, because I've felt like I belonged someplace else, ever since I was small. Be it any institution - school, coaching centers, colleges - there's always been this feeling of temporariness. 'I'll leave this place soon. Let me make the most of it and ignore the hurt that comes. I'll be free soon.' I'm not sure what to make of it, but I have no complaints. I've always been a happy kid. Delighted, even. Getting upset at things normal kids get used to get upset at. Till then of course, I hadn't experienced sadness or tragedy, but whatever. The point is, it has been now, when I finally feel free to make my life as I want, that I feel truly liberated. And light. And very much normal. Looking back, it's worth noting how, when we're bound to a place or situation, we want to make the most of it and form relationships around. Of course, each experience feels great, even exhilarating because that's how it felt right at that time, but it's an entirely different feeling to feel liberated from all of those, to feel the relief that you're not bound, or expected to do a certain thing. Maybe in some people's perspective, you still are, but you don't feel it that way. Or perhaps it's about priorities. I feel I'm beyond trying to be nice just to be nice, to go out of my way just because it's expected of me, to do what is supposedly right but doesn't feel right. Barring a few close people (family and friends), I'm not bound to anybody. Even those few people don't make me feel 'bound'; just feel-goody connected. It may feel like I'm stating the obvious, but if you've been through this transition stage, you'd know what I mean. We think we always know it, but we don't. Not really.

Pic credit: Google

What I feel suits me well:

1. Keeping true to myself and to the rest: Pretense is just not my thing. Having been in places and situations where I definitely had to pretend to feel good when I certainly wasn't, I had started feeling that maybe I did actually feel happy, and was scared to think of the opposite. But now when I'm free from them, I do realize I was internally, miserable. I couldn't pretend, really. Did I make many friends? No. Did I manage to heavily applaud someone on an achievement when I hadn't really felt like it? No. Will I try to befriend someone just because it 'should' be done? Most probably not. If I don't want to talk you, I wouldn't. Just don't expect me to make small talk or whatever just because it should be done. There are no 'should's. In the same beat, I can't force myself to talk nicely or however is expected if I don't feel like it. I can't just pretend.

2. Always having something to work on: Staying idle is a nightmare. So is non-clarity of how I perceive my present and future. I want to know everything that matters. It's difficult to stay idle even day-to-day. I sometimes feel irritated when someone says they're getting bored. More often than not, they'd complain that they're getting bored, as if it's our job to keep them entertained. I used to feel guilty whenever someone in my company said they're bored. Bullies and stupid kids in school called me a bore, whereas I hardly ever get bored myself, even in the most yawn-inducing lectures or situations. Mind it people, it's not other people, but your own capacity and mind that makes you feel bored. It's your own outlook and what you choose to feel.

In a larger perspective, I always need a larger goal, whatever it is, so I can stop feeling idle and work towards attaining something. Of course, nothingness has its own charm, but it works for a little while. Getting one of the top ranks, or crossing a particular score as my personal best, finishing formal education with as little pain as possible (I've hated most of my formal education years. However much you try to improve the universities, it won't make much difference if you don't start improving the early schooling years), getting into the publishing industry because working anywhere else seemed like a nightmare and incredibly terrifying. Of course, you don't always achieve what you set out for, but knowing what you're working for gives an immense amount of satisfaction and higher chances of succeeding. Sometimes you may end up worse, but mostly you'd end up much better than what you thought. Like I luckily did. Most people don't get it; why I'm happily settling for something so different from my peers, or from what is the norm, and I don't feel obligated to even attempt to explain why. But now that I've been where I wanted to be, I need a new goal, however small it might be.

3. I can't write, for long, for other people: I've attempted being a part of some webzines, but in most of them, we're required to write on specific topics or by fixed deadlines and I realized I just couldn't manage that. I'm having to ghostwrite a bit even now, and although I've learned quite a lot from it, it's not something I can manage for long. I am a firm believer in writing as an art; it's not something mechanical. Plus, good writing is always in which the author truly believes, not what he should be writing because that's what people want. People don't actually know what they want, like how Steve Jobs proved it. I'd happily write what I believe in, even if I have a minuscule readership. In this industry, I've unfortunately observed how sometimes people write just for the perks of being an author. There's no morality involved, no love for writing, no consideration for what's being put out in the market, in the hands of people. I don't care if anyone calls me old-school or whatever, but I strongly believe in the power of good books and good writing (like many others before, please don't ask me to define 'good'. You know it as well as I do) and it's important to see what you're putting inside other people's minds. Books have a power to influence and it's a responsible job to be an author. I'm not against entertainment, but I'm definitely against mindless production and consumption of entertainment.

4. I have a thing for not following strict schedules and deadlines: I think my fetish for having it all planned in advance is just so I can break/bend the rules. If I do it on impulse, I'd feel totally 'unplanned', and that's not a good feeling, but if I'd do just a little part of the whole on impulse or in a sudden mood swing when I'd planned something different, it'd feel like an adventure. It's the same with deadlines, although I try very hard not to break those deadlines, but when it comes to setting them up, I'm known to have accepted quite unrealistic ones. Like right now. I'm seriously supposed to be working continuously and that is how I'd be able to reach the deadline with completed work, but I just cannot get myself to work. It's not that I have an aversion to dates; in this case it's the work. I'm certain that if it's something I don't like, no one, absolutely no one can get me to do it. :| However, I do feel the need to become more organized. I have a tendency to take work home, and then I can't give in to those bursts of want when there's a book I want to read instead.
     

Just the thing we need to do

5. I'm independent and I want to stay that way: I don't even want to be dependent on anyone about how I feel, not even a friend or someone in the family. This doesn't mean I don't want to consider them at all, but I'm not particularly inclined towards having people tell me how I should feel. Like that one time a well-meaning friend was adamant that there's something wrong in my life and I can't see it. I know you mean well, but I feel alright and you don't know as much about my life as I do. I've had bad moments, but I'm an optimistic person. I neither have the inclination, nor the energy to feel negative for long. There's a lot I have to do in my life, and I can't let small things matter so much that it takes all my focus. I want to have a fantastic career, in the sense that I do what I enjoy, to the best of my capacity and in a way that benefits others. I want to travel a lot, and document it all and use it well. I want to laugh and make people laugh. I want to enjoy all sorts of adventure sports and meet new people from different places. I do not want to look at anyone and get a stereotyped thought. So yes, you need to know that I wouldn't give it a lot of thought as long as I'm happy.  

6. Not trying too hard to be unique or make a mark: I used to spend time thinking about creative ways to make my blogs and posts different and interesting. It was definitely fun then, and maybe when I feel like it again, it would be nice, but it's a free feeling to know that I don't really want to do all that. I believe that being ordinary is so rare that it is actually what extraordinary is. I want to stop being so dependent on social media to feel knowledgeable, when all I actually end up reading is stuff I won't remember or have much use for. It feels like an illusion. I want to spend time talking to people in real, to go out in the evenings and enjoy good weather with those I love. I want to stop worrying about things that don't matter and how I feel left out or backward when I don't know the Facebook latest and all those silly things. I guess I've started feeling that way already. I'm light, free and I intend to stay that way.  

Now. Now is the time when I should seriously get back to work. Praying that I manage to complete it well on time! Please pray for me and shower some motivation, people! I so so so need it right now!

PS- “There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson 
I read this just now, after having posted this post. I feel somewhat relieved with this!