Whoever you are, there's only one you!

Since I'm not any scientific researcher, I can't say things for anyone but myself. Plus, I'm too lazy overworked to actually search for similar findings, so I'll simply stick to my own observation. Surrounded by media at all times, usually not having enough understanding, or even motivation, to look at oneself in seclusion, we are very much susceptible to getting into the mindset of what constitutes 'normal'. It's not defined by ourselves, but by what we see around us. Mostly we say we agree with it, so that's also our own perception of how things are. But haven't you ever thought just about yourself? Seeing yourself in isolation and getting scared at how you 'actually' look at things? Because it is scary, the idea that what you really feel is so different and strange and unreal, yet that's the thing that makes you feel best.

However, like always, that is not what this post is about! There were just a few instances and moments when I thought that perhaps, what happens with me is something that can happen only with me. Those things aren't what you would have anyone else say, 'That happened with me too!' Maybe they did, but to me, at that moment, it felt like I'm just one in all the people in the world. Someone who has something that no one else can have. And that's the thing, isn't it? The beauty, the excitement, everything lies in small details. :')

#1: That's what is on my wrist

Ignoring the small (but awesome) readership of this blog, I'd ask, is there anyone else in the country who would have a silver and black clasp-oval-bangle, exactly like the one I have? Like the one I wear on special days, because it is cute and specially bought for me by dad when he was in a random local market in Dushanbe (Tajikistan). Let's make it easier: at any given time, how many girls in India would be wearing such a thing, brought by their dad from that particular market, just for them? There were no duplicates, according to what I was told, so the possibility of anyone else with the same situation and treasure is close to zero, right? Isn't that something to make anyone feel special and unique?

#2: That's what I'm reading

The probability of a girl reading a book called The Girl With All The Gifts in a metro train in the morning would also be very low. That one time when I realized it, I am sure I was the only one who experienced that moment, the only one to be reading that book in that metro. Or perhaps the only one among all the metro trains that day. 

#3: That's what I know

I'm most certain about this one! I'm the only one who knows stories from my grandmom's childhood: certain details from her life as a kid in Rawalpindi (in present day Pakistan), her life as a refugee in Delhi right after the partition, her relation with her siblings. Discussing it with her children, I realized no one else knows it in as much detail as I do, which leaves me to be the only living person who's aware of those stories. Is that brilliant or what? *_*

#4: That's what I call branding!

Did you know the origin of the word 'brand'? Ages ago when there were slaves, and perhaps even now with farm animals, permanent tattoos got stamped onto the skin to 'brand' them as belonging to a particular person/owner. In the present world, we swear by different brands. A couple of days ago, I was ironing one of my jackets. Realizing that I need to check the temperature, I put my hand on the jacket to see how warm it already was, so I could accordingly adjust the level in the iron. It seemed overly hot, if the way the jacket's logo on the lapel got imprinted on my palm was any indication. I'm not kidding. It's been three days, and you can still see the tiny dots going around in two curves. On my palm! Now who in the world would have that happened to them? o.O 

These are just some recent examples to prove how you don't really need to get your brains eaten up, wondering how to seem different. Stop trying. You're already the only piece of you in this world, unless you've resorted to cloning or getting illegal echoes made. Probably whatever you're doing right now (except reading this blog. It's not only you who reads this -_-) has something in it that no one else in the world would have. Feel special already, dude! ^_^

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Update: I'm so exhausted that it's just the idea of having written a blog post today that's keeping me motivated. It's a Sunday, and I spent the entire day doing some or the other work, the most important of which I haven't even begun! Where do I even start explaining? Probably for the first time in my life, I'm being SO busy (the initial work-time when you get over-excited and take on more work than possible for anyone), that it's just so weird. I don't know how the days pass and I have no idea when I would be able to just chilllllll with a book on a weekend! Speaking of which, I'm not even getting an opportunity to read whatever I want to! Can you believe that? It's because I presently have three things to take care of. All of which require me to read and write and think and be as creative as possible. Plus, all of them have strict deadlines. If that's not mentally exhausting, I don't know what is! I like all of it too, but all I ask is for one day. :| 

I guess I should behave and not fret over it. In fact, the only thing I should be doing right now is to quickly post this and start working, considering the deadline is tomorrow! More than that, I should totally stop thinking about how I just want to sleep. Focus, focus, FOCUS! 

The stuff we learn...

You know how it feels when you think you're more mature than you ever were, and you think back to the past and want to kick yourself because what you thought/did/talked about was so stupid? I think this feeling is a constant, as we continue to change each day. I was (kind of still am) a believer in the permanence of things, but I suppose it's a silly thought. Even if you manage to preserve something for centuries (ancient stuff found in museums or even mummies), they're not the same as they were. We change, things change, and in the process, if you're receptive, you'll learn to be at peace with it and even enjoy it. The past few days, I've been thinking about the stuff I used to get so worked up about and wished I hadn't wasted time on it. But then, how was I supposed to know unless I've 'been-there-done-that'? This thought is a consolation, and particularly now, I feel lighter than ever, having made conscious choices and decisions and realizing what suits me best.

It's been hard, because I've felt like I belonged someplace else, ever since I was small. Be it any institution - school, coaching centers, colleges - there's always been this feeling of temporariness. 'I'll leave this place soon. Let me make the most of it and ignore the hurt that comes. I'll be free soon.' I'm not sure what to make of it, but I have no complaints. I've always been a happy kid. Delighted, even. Getting upset at things normal kids get used to get upset at. Till then of course, I hadn't experienced sadness or tragedy, but whatever. The point is, it has been now, when I finally feel free to make my life as I want, that I feel truly liberated. And light. And very much normal. Looking back, it's worth noting how, when we're bound to a place or situation, we want to make the most of it and form relationships around. Of course, each experience feels great, even exhilarating because that's how it felt right at that time, but it's an entirely different feeling to feel liberated from all of those, to feel the relief that you're not bound, or expected to do a certain thing. Maybe in some people's perspective, you still are, but you don't feel it that way. Or perhaps it's about priorities. I feel I'm beyond trying to be nice just to be nice, to go out of my way just because it's expected of me, to do what is supposedly right but doesn't feel right. Barring a few close people (family and friends), I'm not bound to anybody. Even those few people don't make me feel 'bound'; just feel-goody connected. It may feel like I'm stating the obvious, but if you've been through this transition stage, you'd know what I mean. We think we always know it, but we don't. Not really.

Pic credit: Google

What I feel suits me well:

1. Keeping true to myself and to the rest: Pretense is just not my thing. Having been in places and situations where I definitely had to pretend to feel good when I certainly wasn't, I had started feeling that maybe I did actually feel happy, and was scared to think of the opposite. But now when I'm free from them, I do realize I was internally, miserable. I couldn't pretend, really. Did I make many friends? No. Did I manage to heavily applaud someone on an achievement when I hadn't really felt like it? No. Will I try to befriend someone just because it 'should' be done? Most probably not. If I don't want to talk you, I wouldn't. Just don't expect me to make small talk or whatever just because it should be done. There are no 'should's. In the same beat, I can't force myself to talk nicely or however is expected if I don't feel like it. I can't just pretend.

2. Always having something to work on: Staying idle is a nightmare. So is non-clarity of how I perceive my present and future. I want to know everything that matters. It's difficult to stay idle even day-to-day. I sometimes feel irritated when someone says they're getting bored. More often than not, they'd complain that they're getting bored, as if it's our job to keep them entertained. I used to feel guilty whenever someone in my company said they're bored. Bullies and stupid kids in school called me a bore, whereas I hardly ever get bored myself, even in the most yawn-inducing lectures or situations. Mind it people, it's not other people, but your own capacity and mind that makes you feel bored. It's your own outlook and what you choose to feel.

In a larger perspective, I always need a larger goal, whatever it is, so I can stop feeling idle and work towards attaining something. Of course, nothingness has its own charm, but it works for a little while. Getting one of the top ranks, or crossing a particular score as my personal best, finishing formal education with as little pain as possible (I've hated most of my formal education years. However much you try to improve the universities, it won't make much difference if you don't start improving the early schooling years), getting into the publishing industry because working anywhere else seemed like a nightmare and incredibly terrifying. Of course, you don't always achieve what you set out for, but knowing what you're working for gives an immense amount of satisfaction and higher chances of succeeding. Sometimes you may end up worse, but mostly you'd end up much better than what you thought. Like I luckily did. Most people don't get it; why I'm happily settling for something so different from my peers, or from what is the norm, and I don't feel obligated to even attempt to explain why. But now that I've been where I wanted to be, I need a new goal, however small it might be.

3. I can't write, for long, for other people: I've attempted being a part of some webzines, but in most of them, we're required to write on specific topics or by fixed deadlines and I realized I just couldn't manage that. I'm having to ghostwrite a bit even now, and although I've learned quite a lot from it, it's not something I can manage for long. I am a firm believer in writing as an art; it's not something mechanical. Plus, good writing is always in which the author truly believes, not what he should be writing because that's what people want. People don't actually know what they want, like how Steve Jobs proved it. I'd happily write what I believe in, even if I have a minuscule readership. In this industry, I've unfortunately observed how sometimes people write just for the perks of being an author. There's no morality involved, no love for writing, no consideration for what's being put out in the market, in the hands of people. I don't care if anyone calls me old-school or whatever, but I strongly believe in the power of good books and good writing (like many others before, please don't ask me to define 'good'. You know it as well as I do) and it's important to see what you're putting inside other people's minds. Books have a power to influence and it's a responsible job to be an author. I'm not against entertainment, but I'm definitely against mindless production and consumption of entertainment.

4. I have a thing for not following strict schedules and deadlines: I think my fetish for having it all planned in advance is just so I can break/bend the rules. If I do it on impulse, I'd feel totally 'unplanned', and that's not a good feeling, but if I'd do just a little part of the whole on impulse or in a sudden mood swing when I'd planned something different, it'd feel like an adventure. It's the same with deadlines, although I try very hard not to break those deadlines, but when it comes to setting them up, I'm known to have accepted quite unrealistic ones. Like right now. I'm seriously supposed to be working continuously and that is how I'd be able to reach the deadline with completed work, but I just cannot get myself to work. It's not that I have an aversion to dates; in this case it's the work. I'm certain that if it's something I don't like, no one, absolutely no one can get me to do it. :| However, I do feel the need to become more organized. I have a tendency to take work home, and then I can't give in to those bursts of want when there's a book I want to read instead.
     

Just the thing we need to do

5. I'm independent and I want to stay that way: I don't even want to be dependent on anyone about how I feel, not even a friend or someone in the family. This doesn't mean I don't want to consider them at all, but I'm not particularly inclined towards having people tell me how I should feel. Like that one time a well-meaning friend was adamant that there's something wrong in my life and I can't see it. I know you mean well, but I feel alright and you don't know as much about my life as I do. I've had bad moments, but I'm an optimistic person. I neither have the inclination, nor the energy to feel negative for long. There's a lot I have to do in my life, and I can't let small things matter so much that it takes all my focus. I want to have a fantastic career, in the sense that I do what I enjoy, to the best of my capacity and in a way that benefits others. I want to travel a lot, and document it all and use it well. I want to laugh and make people laugh. I want to enjoy all sorts of adventure sports and meet new people from different places. I do not want to look at anyone and get a stereotyped thought. So yes, you need to know that I wouldn't give it a lot of thought as long as I'm happy.  

6. Not trying too hard to be unique or make a mark: I used to spend time thinking about creative ways to make my blogs and posts different and interesting. It was definitely fun then, and maybe when I feel like it again, it would be nice, but it's a free feeling to know that I don't really want to do all that. I believe that being ordinary is so rare that it is actually what extraordinary is. I want to stop being so dependent on social media to feel knowledgeable, when all I actually end up reading is stuff I won't remember or have much use for. It feels like an illusion. I want to spend time talking to people in real, to go out in the evenings and enjoy good weather with those I love. I want to stop worrying about things that don't matter and how I feel left out or backward when I don't know the Facebook latest and all those silly things. I guess I've started feeling that way already. I'm light, free and I intend to stay that way.  

Now. Now is the time when I should seriously get back to work. Praying that I manage to complete it well on time! Please pray for me and shower some motivation, people! I so so so need it right now!

PS- “There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson 
I read this just now, after having posted this post. I feel somewhat relieved with this!

The Nerdy Things I Can't Get Over..!

How do you even define "nerdy"? I'm just going by what 'people' say or react like, even though I don't even notice much what people's opinions are (who has the time to consider them?)! Still, there are many things normal common people do or like that I don't do or like.

Example, watching movies. I dunno, I would rather read. That's all. Spending hours in front of a screen just watching seems like a waste of time, unless what you're watching holds some meaning or gives you intense emotions you would like to think over, or something like that. Don't get me wrong, I do like certain movies. Just that they end up being based on books. It's almost magnetic, half of them were those I didn't even know were based on books. And I prefer English more, no offence to Bollywood. But anyway, how else do you explain that I can watch kids' movies (Charlie and the chocolate factory, Madeline, Matilda, 101 Dalmitians, etc) easily over and over again? That I would be hooked to a movie on TV and years later discover a book with the same title? (Tuck Everlasting! The scariest movie on immortality ever! I mean, it just made me scared of the idea of being immortal). I love animation films, although I wouldn't watch these all by will or deliberation, except sticking to my ritual of watching Christmas movies on Christmas. I must be very bored, or have the time for it to be able to watch a movie.

When it comes to movies based on books that I've read these past 2-3 years, I feel differently. I admit to acting like a demented hypermaniac when the Harry Potter movies released. I had to watch them and get the movie DVDs on birthdays. I had to watch them countless times whenever I had time, but they were awesome movies, you've got to see! I don't feel the same for movies-based-on-books right now. It's weird, really. I used to be so excited about watching a movie replaying the same story I read, but in the past few weeks, watching trailers made me nervous. I wasn't so sure that the movies would stay true to the books. I suspect they'd give in to commercialization, which, I don't like.

I didn't much enjoy the Catching Fire movie, then I was all, " :O Why do Rose and Lissa look like glamorous dolls in this movie poster?" for the Vampire Academy movie (which I'll nevertheless watch, but still). Then the trailer for The Fault in Our Stars came out. I was excited, I wanted it to be awesome! It was, at least for many people. I don't know how I felt except that now I feel like granting access to the movie only to those people who've read the book. Don't ask why, I don't know. I feel like the others wouldn't understand. And one word any non-reader utters against the movie Is. Going. To. Suffer. -_-

Last year's b'day achievement :P

Books. Synonymous to "life" for me, however dramatic it may seem. But really, whatever sanity I have left in me is because of them. Just. Love. Them. All. :') I love collecting books, not just for the sake of collecting, but if I'm reading something I'm liking, I have to have it. I ask for books on birthdays, and whatever occasion demands a gift. My family finds it so weird that they've taken a list of books as a complimentary gift to the "main" gift for birthdays. Who's going to tell them I care more about the complimentary? Some friends say, 'we won't gift you books, you need something more normal', but they happen to be college-people, mostly, so it's okay. The other nerdy friends just know which book would be ideal. I appreciate both, though.

The way I pass my "extremely-limited" free time would include:

1. Randomly going through books I have.

2. Browsing Goodreads or Flipkart or Amazon.in (how can I not see the Indian version of Amazon? Even if it looks cent per cent like the international site? :P)

3. Thinking of ways in which that huge carton that brought with it the new washing machine, could be folded and converted into yet another book holder.

4. Updating the list of books at home. In my special Books-only notebook. Checking how many have been lent, and thinking of ways to get them back asap. :P

5. Writing

6. Emailing the nerdy friend(s) about 'smart' things I got to know. Mostly stuff from books that made me think deeply.

7. Browsing through HBO, WB, Star Movies, World Movies, etc and stopping to watch a Narnia movie.

Other stuff I do:

- Collect quotes, mostly in a notebook dedicated to bookish-updates.

- Collect smart-ass phrases to be put on tees (although I just have one tee that says, 'Don't let the muggles get you down' gifted by two awesome friends! *_*)

- Make stuff like papier mache objects, cards and simple bookmarks.

Papier mache thingy and I

- The only game on my cell phone I ever seem to play, if at all I do, is one on the Hunger Games. :P

- The only kind of apps I use include: Angry Words, Notes, Duolingo, Kindle, Feedly, Blogger, Goodreads!

- Use four different colored pens while taking down notes in class. And the colors should include pink and purple, or else it'll be too boring!

- Add cuttings of Natasha Badhwar's column to the folder with other newspaper cuttings, including Sonal Kalra's column!

- Re-read old posts from this blog. God knows how much I learn about myself like this. :P

- Make progress with some online course I'd be pursuing (this is a recent add-on).

You get the gist. -_- Now who has the time to go shopping or gossiping when there is so much to do? Who wants to stay back in a wella college when I'd rather find peace doing all these things? Which lately includes being in denial and shock and crying over the end of the third book in the Vampire Academy series. I mean! It's going to be three days! I have no idea how to get over it! I've even started reading something else entirely, instead of moving on to the next book!

More for later! Pretty Sunday's over now. :|