... and maybe I already did, but you can only learn without experience up to a limit. Then you're faced with different situations and you realize and accept things much better than how you did before. It's just that age thing, isn't it? Some things you just understand when it's 'time'. When I started writing on this blog, I was an energetic, excited, protected, fun-loving, eager-to-participate kind of a girl, fresh into college, wondering why one of my closest college friends didn't seem too happy, or as excited as I was about college. She said she didn't like the 'people' and the negatives emanating from them drained her. She even went on to say that "I" am the reason she's able to stay. I don't know if she would read this, but I have to say that it is now that I understand how she felt. I loved that college, more than what I showed and maybe it's because the present one makes me feel like the way she felt back then. I know now. I also know, or let's say, I understand these as well:
1. You know how there are some people who're kind of dominating? The ones who suck out your energy because the way they look at you contrasts with what they speak, and it's unnerving. Sometimes they're just mean, the bad thing being they don't realize it and the worst of it being when they do know it, yet they'd still deliberately make someone feel bad about themselves, or not participate in their happiness, or visibly show they don't like them. This scared me at first, wondering what kind of a conscience they might have. Do they even have it? Why isn't it capable of killing them from the inside? And I know it doesn't, because they continue living in their self-created high bubble, among other similar meanies who know nothing better than to simply follow the leader, because they forgot they have their own brains. Well done, meanies. Now I just feel sorry for you, for the immense lack of understanding about people and emotions you have, because you're just so self-centered.
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| They make others feel like this sometimes. :| |
2. Victims of such psychological bullying may experience a shift in their personality, not necessarily a happy shift, and one which involves them losing their confidence, interests in activities they liked, hatred for people, a reluctance to talk to new people. They lose friends because meanies, making full use of the 'smart' tactics and the fact that people are vulnerable when tensed and are totally fickle minded, are able to successfully bad-mouth those who're totally unaware of it. The even smarter ones might not bad-mouth them, but would anyway make the rest feel someone else is just not good, or right, or nice enough. Another thing I noticed was how your behaviour towards a certain person can shift dramatically because someone close to you shifts their behaviour too.
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| Meaning, you make the rest into meanies too. BAD influence. |
Consider this example: I've always seen my parents being 'nice' to people. Never a rude word or impoliteness. I was scolded when I even said, "I hate.. so and so". Mom practically got a shock, saying how you can't really "hate" someone, it is such a wrong thing to do. I decided trying to work around it, to see only the good in people and I did succeed to some extent. Anyway, that's a different point. A few days ago I saw dad pass only a half-hearted smile to a neighbour, and even that shocked me because I always expected him to be nice. I asked, half-angrily why he didn't greet him properly and he said how he doesn't like their habit of always parking wrong, despite reminders. The point is, I don't like to see them being rude, I wonder how many times did their heart feel sad to see me talking like that. Now whenever I see that neighbour, despite trying to not think about it, I do get a glimpse of his personality clouded by the fact that he never listens to the parking problems. See? I don't even know his name and I'm judging him. See how meanies can affect someone's image in the same way? I understand now how this works.
3. There's this teacher we have, a visiting faculty, who intrigues me somehow with the simple, people-based things he talks about and makes those as the basis for teaching the otherwise mundane subjects. Once in a class he made a comment about mean people. Or those who dominate to work their way up, making others feel like hell in the process. He said they're actually quite insecure. And the way insecure people work is that they make others feel insecure about themselves and use it to feel better themselves. I've compared this statement with some meanies. With the recent inability/disinterest in talking at all, I've observed more than ever and it seems to be quite true. You see it in the way they'd look. 'Expressions' are called expressions for a reason. They tell you 90% of the things that are unspoken and also when what one says is conflicting with what they feel.
4. You behave differently in front of people you're not comfortable with and those with whom you gel well. I know, it's obvious, but there's more to it. You even behave differently with strangers when you're alone and when you're with someone you "have" to be with but you're not the buddy-buddy kind. They dominate you. Think about it. Imagine one person who may be in your college, a classmate you feel those negative vibes with, but you're just going somewhere work-related with them. You meet a stranger, maybe someone coming up to you to ask if you know the place they're looking for. If you'd been alone, you'd have felt more 'free' and like your own self and you'd have smiled wide and helped them. If you're with the meanie, you'd feel self-conscious because that's how pathetically they make you feel. You'd mumble something and look away as soon as the stranger left.
There's this saying, 'people won't remember what you did for them, but they'll always remember how you made them feel'. I couldn't agree more, because you do remember. That's the way you remember people. Think about your school. You remember the bully with a frown because he made you feel bad back then, you remember your best friend with a smile, or even that sweet, helpful girl in class because she was always polite to you and made you feel respected.
5. This is something that
needs to go out as a message, because some people don't just realize it. It is **extremely** important to express your feelings or your thoughts when someone does something and is expecting it. People aren't telepathic, they won't know what you think unless you say it. Most of all when it is expected. *Biggest examples*: Go back to what you learned in Kindergarten. Say '
please', 'sorry' and '
thank you'. Often. USE these words to express your wish, your guilt, your gratitude. "Gratitude" is what you should feel, not jealousy or hatred. Someone passes you a water bottle, say Thankyou. You make someone wait for longer, say a Sorry and mean it! If you're asking someone to pick up your
chai from the canteen, have the courtesy to ask with a Please, instead of ordering them around. People don't really mind doing these little things, but the way you say it makes a difference. I know it now.
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| Seriously. |
Though I don't mean that you say it to make them happy and get the work done, not really meaning it yourself. Because there would be some people not giving a damn to someone's existence but would come running with fake puppy-pathetic faces asking for help with extended 'please's and 'thankyou's. Not cool. Not cool at all.
But I also know that the way to deal with meanies is to not give them any kind of satisfaction, or the illusion that they've succeeded. No matter what happens, you have to forget they made you feel bad, you have to get over it asap because it is only you who's going to get affected and learn to block them out as much as you can. You realize that some people are just not the effort, or your time. You may have still been kind and good, trying to make things better yourself, but sometimes it's just not worth it because some people aren't going to change. Those who do, well and good. But if they don't, learn to ignore (and this works best) and talk to those who make you feel better. Indulge in activities you liked, it may be harder but think about it: no one can make you lose interest in things you love. How can you let them? Be persistent, be focused, ignore the small talk, focus on the big picture and move on. Life is beautiful, cut the weeds out of it as frequently and clearly as possible. :) Keep smiling. :D
***
I hope you survived the emotional ride and made it here. I always focused on posting energetic, happy stuff on the blog, wanting to make this a place where people connect and feel good about themselves and their lives, just by knowing there's someone just like them out here, not afraid to talk about her life. I restricted myself from posting serious stuff like this, but then I really wanted to share these thoughts and since they're a part of me, the not-so-perfect life I have, it's just to say I'm just an ordinary person trying to lead a simple, ordinary life, which in itself is quite extraordinary these days, don't you think? ;) This too, is a part of me. :)
PS- I haven't been referring to anyone as such. Nor have I been the victim in all cases. This is the result of being quiet lately and observing more than ever. :D Agree on any of these?
I choose not to remember,
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