The anatomy of fear

A big portion of our life is spent dealing with this thing called fear. More often than not, fear comes in disguise. We don't realise it's essentially 'fear' we are facing. Sometimes it really annoys me when I'm sitting and just not feeling good. There seems to be no valid reason for it. I am a girl who goes by logic. I have everything I could need in life. There are always more aspirations, of course, but I don't crave them as such. Then why can't my heart be light and happy? What is it that draws me under, for no apparent reason? I was sitting and staring at my bookshelf, thinking about this, when I saw this book called Mastermind--How to Think Like Sherlock Holmes. I've always loved the way Holmes can sit and THINK logically and know answers to the most baffling questions. Could I solve this riddle in my life in the same way?

Turns out that even if you cannot 'solve' such questions, you can surely find yourself introspecting and having certain realisations that can help you understand it better. It's like the way it happens when you're feeling sick--unless you KNOW what's the cause of your illness, you'll keep getting paranoid and feeling worse. Knowing the cause immediately makes you feel a whole lot better, because you then know what to do about it. Knowing, understanding, is key.

I had also come across an article that talked about why our generation is generally more unhappy--the expectations we have from ourselves, drawn from the expectations our previous generation has from us, are way higher than what the current state of the world can afford. The world is changing too fast--and we're stuck with expectations that arose decades ago. We can't keep up with them. This, however, is a generation-wide case. What can be done is to KNOW that this is a problem and find your own ways of dealing with it.

So, what IS fear? What is it that makes us afraid of facing our fear? Here are some definitions I realised can be termed as our fears:

1. That feeling when you realise you might not fulfill a loved one's expectations. Or your own, for that matter.

2. Fear is not a 'pre' concept. You can feel fear for a situation that has already passed. You either did not feel it at that time or the intensity of other emotions was more than fear. This happened with me and adventure rides. I'd always been keen on rides that made you turn upside down, go full speed in dark tunnels, or make you enter creepy passageways, but later on when I stand and look at other people on those rides, I am fearful, a good number of what-ifs running through my mind, making my heart beat faster with anxiety. I'm scared of it all--AFTERWARDS. 

There have been other similar feelings--looking at the vulnerability of college-going kids sitting around the metro stations and realising you survived it all. That split-second shudder you get when you think about how you were lucky enough to have it smooth.

3. Fear is uncertainty. That feeling when a loved one doesn't pick your call(s); when you wait for a result; when you bite your nails thinking about a future event; when your heart beats rapidly before you have to address someone; when you want to know what the other person is thinking but you're afraid to ask. 

I feared this stream until I stepped into it

4. Fear is intuition's enemy. Fear likes to creep in silently or to surprise us, but our intuition warns us beforehand. 

5. Fear feeds on pessimism. Fear captures our mind when it's busy with what-ifs and have-nots. 

6. Fear lives in the mind. A child is fearless because she/he cannot differentiate between the dangerous and the safe. A child's mind has no compartments for fear to hide in. We are fearful of situations that have never happened, and that is where fear wins. It makes us keep thinking of something we don't want till we end up suffering from that very thing. 

7. Fear is ruthless. You can't plead with it to stop; you can't ask it to come later. 

 Well, I'm still a long way away from being like Holmes, but at least I managed to dissect the idea of fear to be able to better understand it (and write a post about it, which matters SO MUCH). Apart from this, there are some genuine reasons too (such as the pollution and stress and population and politics and whatever else we're surrounded with), but I still don't know why, even when you know the reasons, you can't shake off the anxious beating of your heart. My heart, for one, never ever listens to my brain's instructions. It's a spoilt brat that way.

Can you relate with this post? What do you think fear is? 

Reflections and grouchy talk.

No resolutions this time too, only reflections on how I survived the past year and what to do to make 2016 better. It was only yesterday that I realized that it’s the year-end already. Imagine how full your mind has to be for you to not even notice the year ending. 

Present status: I have a job I like, but I hate having working Saturdays and having to travel so much and thus being in constant interaction with uncivil beings. 

Desired status: Be so much in love with work that nothing makes me unhappy. At the present, a lot of things (and people) do. Try to ignore it (and them).

How well did I do in 2015?

1. Work wise: better than before, but need to think of ways to get to goals more ‘easily’. Having to struggle each day sucks.

2. People wise: not very well. I still dislike people who lack ethics, and I am totally vengeful (unfortunately, only feelings-wise) towards those who’ve hurt me. It’s only been aggravated by annoying people I’ve met recently. It’s not a good thing, I know. I’ll see what to do about it when I have the time.

3. Book-reading wise: very well through the year, except towards the year-end. Still, I think I crossed the 50 mark without counting, and read qualitatively, and reread and enjoyed old books (Harry Potter, for instance) too. Unfortunately, did not read all the books I’d planned, mostly because of work requirements.

4. Personality-development wise: not much. There’s just no time to think of presentation and planned speech when you have to run all the time. I’m still the harried-look-just-like-in-college person. Give me a break, and I’ll think of how to make new braids. Maybe.

5. Mental-development wise: apart from irritation and anger issues, I feel like I’ve aged a 100 years. Things I used to like and talk about a year or two earlier, are either too trivial or too boring. (Help me!!!)

While thinking about what I had resolved to do in 2015, I thought of ‘write, write, write’, but then I checked and found that I had written it in 2014!! This is NOT fair. I want a life where I can actually keep track of time. Get a LIFE, life!

What to do in 2016 to get a life

Keep calm: People in the metro and on the roads are only going to get worse. STOP worrying about them. Yes, I’ve faced a setback due to realizations of the truth and how what I thought of the world was so away from reality, but still, I need to GET A GRIP. I’m supposed to rule my life. I am supposed to be happy for the people who’re concerned about me. Either ignore those who act stupidly, or give it back to them (yes, that’s better).

Prioritize work: I must get that heavy project off my head as soon as possible, even if it takes two months of hibernating (as much as can be managed anyway, what with blood-sucking job and all). After that, plan career stuff. All this while, act chill. BE chill. Time is supposed to go slowly (the rocking time, not the sucky time).

Be happy: G is doing so well! YOU are doing well too. The book fair is coming! (“I have no friends to go with this time!” “You have mom!”) You’re gonna go on trips! You might even be on an airplane after all these years’ gap!

Do something: Ghostwriting has made me realize that I can actually write my own book. But it’s also made me realize that to make it happen, I’d need at least two months’ break. All right then, let’s stick to the original plan of writing after 40.

I need to learn to speak up for myself if anyone wrongs me and if it is unfair. Stop ignoring things that must not be ignored. Shut them up once and for all. Do not hesitate to hit an annoying fellow-commuter and pretending that it was a mistake. Hint, hint: It can be done just before getting off the train. (No. I’m not going to be so mean.)

I’ll also try to (no, I WILL) go ahead with a plan I made to get kids to read more (or any) books. Will give details if it’s carried out.

Read and write: Read those books I got two-three years ago! Although since some time at work is spent reading so many excessively cute children’s books, I’m not complaining much.

Lose weight: I’m serious, and this one is not going to go unchecked. Ask a girl the horror of not being able to fit into her clothes, and you’ll know! Although I’m proud to say that I’ve lost some with my ardent will power (of not eating junk food). Yay!

My point!!

Generally, I’ll try being less of a cribber and more of a happy person who loves life. I don’t love it at the moment, and I’ve become so crude that it doesn’t even matter if I’m posting it. It’s the truth after all. I mean, I am grateful for a lot of things, but the general ‘feel’ at the moment is lacking. It’s like I see nothing to complain about when I really think about it, but it only makes me feel more upset because it seems like I’m complaining for no reason. Oh, wait. Perhaps it’s just that I’m in one of my mood swing modes. Don’t let it get you. Have a blast and have a wonderful new year 2016! (TIME FLIES!) Let the new, new year be a year you'll forever remember! (Don't go to jail, though.)

What are you gonna do?

The truth about good things

We all want good things to happen to us, whatever those might be -- a job we want, approval for a trip with friends, windfall gains from random lotteries, a great offer to buy a house or a car or anything else. We want all these things despite everything, even despite the fact that we don't want to work hard for them. Giving up is easy, taking alternatives is easy, sitting back and waiting does the job just as well. We wish and wish for good things but we are also always riddled with doubts and what-ifs. If there's something I've learned about good things, it's this:

1. Good things come to those who wait

There's no better way to get and enjoy the good things in life than to wait for it. Patience pays is a popular phrase. (Gee, that rhymes!) I believe there is a time and moment for everything, even when we absolutely hate not getting things just when we want them. There's a whole system of things created by nature (or God) and, perhaps you won't realize it but, what you receive after a long wait is always worth it. It's better for you. Therefore, if you feel restless about not getting the job you want (like I have been feeling since months, hence, lack of posts here), all you have to do is to close your eyes, breathe deeply, feel grateful for what you have, look at its positives, and keep striving to do your best. Never lose hope. Good things come in good time. 

2. Good things are related to 'time'

Carrying on the last point, good things usually come at just the right time. They may take ages or come sooner than expected; whatever is happening right now is the perfect thing for the present time. You are learning to not only control your anger/irritability issues while not getting your dream job, but also realizing the realities of life and how to deal with those. While you are always hopeful that your dream life is possible, you will realize that it takes a great deal of bravery and relentless work to get it. Good things will come in due course, though being optimistic about it will hasten things, so stay positive!

3. Good things cannot be stolen

When they've come to you, nothing in the world can take them away, except time. I know some people who refrain from sharing good news, perhaps imagining that someone will steal it from them! My dears, that is just not possible. Good things can only be shared and multiplied, not divided. If you have a certain advantage, you have it. Period. Don't be scared of having that taken away from you. Unless it is an Apple device you carelessly leave lying around. 

4. Good things might come in disguise...

... so that you don't even realize that what is happening is a good (or great) thing! They're not always obvious, apparent or even feel goody; they sometimes come nicely wrapped in layers of packaging, but you will realize them when they do their work (that is, help you get something great!). Maybe not getting through one of the big companies was actually a good thing and not the end of the world as you saw it (OK, I should stop making indirect references to myself). But really, things, even though they may not seem like good things, sometimes are actually good. 

5. Good things can happen suddenly!

Sometimes you receive a surprise in the form of something amazing that's happened to you when you were least expecting it. These are the ones that make you believe in miracles! :D

Are you wondering why I wrote this post? Did you notice how I haven't posted anything for such a long time? (If not, bleh. If yes, know that it is your love and interest that I really appreciate ^_^ Thank you!)

Anyway, the answer is that I had been facing one of the worst possible times (even though you might think I made it worse by overthinking, but I really couldn't help it). It was just emotionally draining as I was filled with insecurity and uncertainty of the highest order: the kind where nothing anyone says seems to make you feel optimistic unless some 'good thing' happens. Even reading did not appeal to me, so you can guess how weird it made me feel. I am thankful to family and those friends who supported me despite my apparent lack of regard for their words, who believed in me when I didn't. 

Thankfully, patience (even though it was forced and suffocating) finally paid off! The good things began pouring in one by one, and I am grateful to everyone, including God, who made it happen. First, I went on an all-girls' trip with my college friends, a first for all of us! The mere idea of it was exciting, as none of us had travelled without an elder person or a large group. A few days before the scheduled trip, I faced a major setback in the form of a rejection letter, and it left me numb and sad, especially as I was expecting an acceptance (so much so that I'd even given the good news to people!) It's weird, but I was the only one who spent the entire trip without feeling pissed off at anyone or anything! Sure, we enjoyed a lot, but I realized that I had, finally, matured. ^_^ 

There were four of us. We had planned a three-day trip to Mussoorie, the lovely hill station above Dehradun. I had only been there once, many years ago, when I was an awkward teenager and all I remembered about the trip was killing exotic insects in the summer house we were staying in, getting bitten by a Scorpion plant, walking a steep slope to get water, and lots of stomach cramps. This time it was as if I'd never been there before! We checked in a heritage hotel where we got a free upgrade to the deluxe quarter!! We spent our two days exploring the Mall Road right above the hotel, eating from popular eateries, dancing and gossiping and playing cards in the comfortable room, and of course, clicking awesomesauce pictures.

Passing through low clouds :D

Beautiful flowers overlooking the Dehradun valley

Look at the view *_*

The hotel overlooked Dehradun valley and the views were spectacular. The pleasantly cold weather (the November in Delhi kind) was a big plus in keeping us upbeat. Decidedly, the best part of the trip for me was getting a chance to meet the fabled writer of the hills, Mr Ruskin Bond!! Oh God, it was one of the best things I've experienced, even though I totally sucked at interacting with him. I asked no smart questions that I usually do with authors (probably because I was still in that bad phase mode, but still!!), only smiled and spoke a few words in greeting and got my copies signed. Ruskin Bond is precisely how I'd heard he is. 

LOOK WHO MET RUSKIN BOND!! *_*

A jovial-looking man of eighty, he arrived at Cambridge Book Depot a little after 3.30 PM on Saturday, smiling at everyone he passed. There was a long line of people waiting to see him, the best of whom were little children reciting poems to their parents for practice. I got really lucky when he arrived just as I was making payment for a book, and standing right next to his seat. He greeted everyone as he entered the small shop, including me (YAY!), and sat down, commenting on the line of people waiting to see him. I've met some authors at book signings, and found all of them quite humble and sweet. Mr Bond was the best of all! He accepted all forms of gifts (including poems and stories written by kids), and joked and talked with all his fans as they stepped up to meet him one by one. If you've read his books, you'd know the kind of person he would be, and when you see the soft and kind-looking face, all you feel like doing is smiling and making a witty joke (which, most probably, would not occur to you at that moment). One of my great friends, P, took a great picture of me with Mr Ruskin Bond, and I am forever grateful to her for gifting me this proof. I also apologize for not taking as great a picture of her as she did for me. 

The trip was a success. We'll plan another one soon! ;) The next good thing that seems like a disguise was a job offer from a place I wasn't much preferring, but talking to a few people cleared my head and now I feel great about it. I have an opportunity to work for my dreams, and if it seems difficult, that's all the better, as I would be motivated to work even harder. A couple more things on the family front turned awesome, and I am glad about it all. I only hope that the good thing in disguise really becomes good and the positives outweigh the negatives. 

A big YAY to new beginnings, everyday happiness, love in the form of friends and family, and feeling well enough to write a blog post! I've realized that I'm one of those people who write more and better when they're happy rather than when they're sad. Goodness, I just cannot write a word when I'm sad. (So if you see that I haven't posted for a long while, be good and ask me if all's well!)

Until next time! 

Love and best wishes

2015: Here's how you should be for me

Are the years passing by so quickly or what? It all zeroes down to spending all your time either studying through the years and/or being so into technology that you don't realize how quickly your time's running. If you don't believe me, try spending two hours in a sunny park on a winter afternoon, without your cell phone or any other tech device. It'll seem like ages as you peacefully read a book or just watch little kiddies play weird games. Then observe the next two hours at home. Trust me, it'll be a good five hours before you realize how much time has passed. Yesterday, I was talking about a black colour sketch I'd made of a couple of famous personalities, when I realized that I'd made those in 2002. It didn't even seem like a long time, but calculate it and you'd see that it's been more than twelve years! How do you feel when you look at life running through your hands like this? Don't you feel like easing out a bit, living more and running less? With this realization, I've decided to ask God and 2015 to go easy on me.

|      What I learned in 2014      |

Last year, I'd thought that 2014 would be an amazing year, especially since 2013 was just so annoying. It was partly true, because 2014 was a mix of amazing experiences but also some really bad ones. Nevertheless, it was also a year when I learned a lot, and at an entirely another level too! I think I finally grew up, mentally, emotionally, demographically. I'm no longer a formal student (because people like me never stop being students of some sort :P ), and that has marked my entry into another level of life. Surprisingly, it's one where I've learned that fear is overrated. As students, we're constantly being made to fear the 'real' world where there's 'cut-throat competition' and all that blah blah. I personally feel that there's enough space for everybody, if only you truly believe that. If you keep the silly competition in mind, you'll be forever stressed and keep running around and it'll be a long time before you realize that you're not even running for yourself, but for others. We need to really take a chill pill, spend productive time working on bettering ourselves and only look at other, successful people for inspiration, not jealousy.

You might have been asked to change your schedule, plan your day and be disciplined when you were preparing for your Board exams, but the fact is that more than then, you need to bring all that discipline now. Once you start working, if you have any kind of a future goal, you will have to consciously take a step back from all things that are limiting or hurting your feelings, and bring your focus to those that'll help you get better. I talk of feelings because they're more important than things you have or the money you earn. Feelings make your entire world; keep them safe. Protect yourself from bad feelings, stay away from people who make you feel guilty for no fault of yours, or make you wish you weren't with them. You are most important for yourself, because you can never love anyone else unless you're at peace with yourself. Just first and foremost, focus and work hard on being the best version of yourself, and present it to your loved ones. The rest will follow on its own.

I learned that some people will try bringing you down, just because they might be insecure themselves, or just because they can't help it. Sometimes it's not even intentional. Like every relationship, you have to work to make it better. It's no guarantee that it'll be better. If you see that the effort is not reciprocated or even after ten times of talking through it you don't 'feel' it's working, say a genuine apology and walk out. If it really means a lot to you, it'll work out for the better. If not, respect your feelings and do what makes you feel better.

I read quite a lot of books last year, and apart from numbers, I read the kind of books I hadn't read so far. Most of it was because of the entry into a new phase of life and working for it, but I have to say that I learned and matured a lot because of it. New genres, understanding books in depth, being more accepting to styles of writing and content that I positively looked down on earlier, I realized you really have to experience things first hand to understand them properly. The close people in my life have seen this marked, almost funny change. You thought I wasn't capable of making crass jokes, using colourful language or calling people deluded? You'd be in for a surprise the next time you talked to me. :P

I've also learned, after a lot of denial, that the way I wrote my blog posts earlier is a thing of the past. Unless I force myself (which I don't) or unless it's a rare mood swingy thing, my style of writing has definitely changed.

Among all this, I've learned how important friends are, specially when you're emotionally fluctuating from one point to the other; how assuring it is to know that you trust someone outside your immediate family to always be there when you need them. I've learned to cherish such people.  

|      Welcome, 2015!       |

I've been a regular resolution maker. That's how I actually keep my mental state intact, as a matter of fact. While working on a book on philosophy last month, I came across a line that said how it's important to have a philosophy of your own, how you cannot really know your ethics, morals and value system unless there is a set of philosophies you believe in and follow. So that explains how I need certain guidelines I set for myself at the beginning of each year. It's a different matter that the year's also interspersed with interim guidelines.

For the next year, I've decided to take into consideration all that I've learned so far, and consciously tell myself what to do and what things to follow. Most of these are the 'small changes' we can make in life to make it better and easy. These have been created from the perspective of improving what needs improvement and ditching whatever is extra. Let me know if you identify with any of these!

1. Read qualitatively

Participating in the Goodreads reading challenge the past three years, I've read nearly 175 books. It might not be a big number for a lot of people, but it was definitely a delight for me! The past year as I struggled to make the numbers reach my goal of 60, I realized how I'd fallen into the numbers trap. When you read with even the tiniest idea that it'd help increase a number, it's not the same. The more I read, the more I realized it wasn't giving as much happiness as it used to. Add to it the new job, where I figured it'd be better if I sometimes, somehow emotionally detached myself from what I was reading or working on, because of course, feelings. Those brutes need the most care.

So for the next year, I've decided to chill, not make any quantitative goals, read whatever I like or am interested in, with absolutely no expectations. I'd be rereading a lot of my favourites, including the Harry Potter series and some books I loved from the previous years (will update the book blog with the details soon). That way, I'll be reading more for the pleasure (or work) and not because it is a chore. I just can't wait to start! *_*

2. Take care of health

I'm not old, but I've realized that a lot of junk food is totally 'college-y' for me. It just doesn't feel as exciting as it did. Now eating out frequently makes me feel like I've become a baby elephant. To stay healthy and able to fit into my clothes easily, I'd be monitoring and improving my water intake, carrying a water bottle every time I go out, reduce the ordering out food/snacks to once in two weeks or longer if I can help it. More than that, I will not stress about this either. Carrying little amounts of healthy snacks so I won't feel impulsive in terms of food, knowing what kind of foods don't work for me (sweets, cheese and coffee, for example) and such little things make it easy to follow what sounds like a boring plan. 

3. Spend more time with family

I mean real time, not virtual time. It's annoying how people sit in the same room and either watch TV wordlessly or scroll through useless messages on WhatsApp. Oh the malice of those forwarded messages! When you're with your loved ones, give them the best of you, no? Play real games together - do you even know where your ludo/monopoly/carrom board/hangman/jenga is? 

4. Be brave

It takes bravery to stand up for the right things, specially if it is something you've been living with since forever. I think it works better to act and do than simply criticise things or complain. Sure, we need to speak up when no one else is, but it must be accompanied by a strong belief and followed by the right action. Being brave is also about respecting yourself - your limits, your ethics, your feelings. Let go of the emotional baggage. I've decided to simply call it quits with whatever/whoever I feel is dragging me down. I seriously have spent a good part of two-three years recovering from the loss of a loved one, and I'm seriously much, much grateful to those who understood, gave me space and stuck with me throughout. If you've seen the worst of me, you are the only one who deserves my best. So I'm reserving it for you. If, on the other hand, you're among those with whom I spent good times, but we drifted apart during the bad, I simply want to thank you for giving me those good times. It's just that I cannot feel enough to share my life with you ever since I realized that some of you only care about the good. 

In short, I'll just be me. The reserved, shy or whatever girl I have always been. No trying hard for anyone except those who matter. I'd rather reserve such energies for my work, right? 

5. Work. Work hard.

I actually love this phase of life. You're not bound by a certain kind of education, but you're free to pick and choose what to learn. You don't have heavy responsibilities at home, and you can spend time on yourself. The best thing in this case would be to dedicate yourself to your work, learn the trade and gain as much knowledge as you can. This year will definitely be one where I'm a little more sure about my goals, where I want to be, and making the most of what I get. It's starkly different from the same time last year when I was filled with uncertainty. Funny how much can happen in such a short time. So if you have goals to accomplish and you have the time, I guess that's all the motivation you need to get going. Ditch the distractions and just work. You'll be surprised how the rest of your life falls into place. That is, if you do it nicely and right. :) 

6. Help

The last year was also a time I learned how charity cannot be defined, because there are just so many ways to help other people. It's also true - charity begins at home. There's little point carrying stacks of clothes for NGOs when there is a family in your relations who needs it more. Then there are also the little gestures of connecting with people who seem lonely. It won't be a great idea to be the best of buddies, however, especially if you're a good listener. But it really varies from person to person. Just consciously try being a little more kind in general, with everybody, and like charity, even kindness begins at home. :)  

    |     The little things:    |

- Make the bed every morning. It actually takes less than a minute!

Action taken: Already started

- Keep the curtains on the windows open so you can wake up to sunlight. *_* This however, depends on whether or not sunlight reaches that window :P

Action taken: Windows cleaned, space behind it cleared. 

- Start taking care of misplaced objects in the house. Cleaning my room every few months is definitely not enough. If I feel irritable not finding something at the right place, I should myself put misplaced objects in their proper places, right? Plus, it's exercise.

Action taken: None. 

- Make the effort to step down the bed and put that dream-notebook and a pen under the pillow. Did I ever tell you how cool it is to be able to wake up and quickly scribble the part of dreams you remember? You anyway forget them after a few minutes, if not seconds, so why not write them down to remember them for later? I'm not sure what this activity achieves, except feeling good about having a weird habit :P Besides, not every thing has to have a reason. Some things just are. 

Action taken: Managed to mentally adjust getting up slowwwly, and scribbling in the half-light with partly closed eyes. Discontinued since a few weeks; need to take it up again.

- Reduce time spent on social networking sites. 

Action taken: Struggling, but persevering. At least I've managed to block out useless information and not be affected by stupid news, so that's cool.

- Follow the happiness-inducing things I started in mid 2014 when it became crucial to do so. Now that it's become a habit, let it be. :)
Action taken: Been doing it since the past few months. 

- Speak in English. It sounds funny, but I'm a lot better at writing than speaking. I mean, even G gives me a complex sometimes, so you can figure it out. And now that I've made it public, I guess I'll consciously be motivated to do it.
Action taken: Do it whenever I remember it!

- Okay, I've been postponing putting this ever since I started writing the points, and it's not exactly a 'small' thing, but let's just say it is. Learning to prepare small meals for whenever I'm hungry! I know, it's embarrassing to admit that I know absolutely zilch about preparing food. It's complicated, so I won't bother to explain it here. I'll just spend a part of weekends with mom, learning how to boil eggs, for instance. (Goodbye people who would undoubtedly be running away after this! :P)
Action taken: Except for three experiments this year, nothing.

- Stealing some points from a friend's post, I'll add 'preparing and setting out clothes for the next day, the night before' purely because I spend a lot of time staring at the clothes and ending up wearing the same, usual ones without experimenting!
Action taken: Nada

Dear 2015, I hope you've realized that I'm completely prepared to make the best of you. You should be as excited as I am and be with me.

***

A very happy New Year, dear readers! Wishing you all a year full of happiness and great experiences. Thank you for reading my life stories blog and often writing to me. It feels great to have friends like you. :)

Do you have your own set of resolutions or plans for the year? I'd love it if you'd share them with me!

You shouldn't always be 'cool with everything'. Here's why...

There are some things that sometimes make me feel guilty. Getting annoyed at something/someone, not feeling quite satisfied with life, finding people in the metro annoying, feeling dizzy looking at newspaper headlines, or news shows that talk about a monkey saving another monkey as headline news. These are recent. Since childhood, I've accumulated quite a lot of similar stories where I was made to feel, and now I automatically feel, guilty about feeling annoyed/irritated/angry/sad at anything I feel is not quite right. It's a reason deep rooted. We're supposed to be good kids and not shout or crib a lot. Of course we should! That's what kids are supposed to actually do. Because when they don't, they keep it inside and start hating everything that's related to the thing they weren't allowed to sulk over. 

Now in this age and time, despite the fact that it feels sickening, we've seen the relative and even absolute importance of being online. That inevitably led to a shift in thoughts - for the good and for the bad. We're exposed to almost everything that happens in the world, yet we don't feel strongly for any one thing. We have all the information that was never there before, yet we cannot make sense of some sensitive topics. We cannot argue with maniacs who've taken over the social media to spread hate messages, because they're beyond control and influencing other maniacs too. And most of all, we cannot express how annoying all this, because we're supposed to 'just chill' and 'be cool with everything.'

Fine, you're propagating peace. No one is allowed to argue or point out the negatives, but why should the world get away with doing something so stupid? We should start speaking up. Not on blogs, not on social media, and certainly not in the form of protests. Don't feel bad about stopping someone from doing something silly just because you don't want to hurt their feelings or spoiling their time after a long day. Speak up even when someone silences you with a 'chill dude' when you protest against a racist remark. Point out when someone in a group cracks a rude joke. Would you rather feel terrible about the kind of people you hang out with, or tell them somehow that they're wrong? Tell them if what they said is wrong. Stop 'chilling'. It's not helping. Neither you, nor the world. You don't feel at peace anyway. You just think you're feeling cool because you fool yourself into believing so.

Taking yet another helping of a large scoop of chocolate ice-cream because the host is forcing you, letting your classmates make you stay for an hour longer because they're still working, letting go of a prejudiced remark because it didn't seem too offensive at the time, laughing at stupid WhatsApp videos people keep sending, looking at people sneaking peeks at other people's cell phones in the metro, a neighbour's pet dog roaming freely around because they say it's harmless - all these have personally been things I've felt guilty about. Not just about letting all that happen, but also about feeling not-so-cool about it. That's the level of stress expectations can have. Why can't I say if I find something wrong? I'm terrified of dogs, so even if he's a harmless half-lion, I will feel bad if you tell me that I'm wrong to say it's not right to leave it out like that. It makes me cringe when people talk in terms of caste and social status about anyone, and then describing them, so I will tell you that you need to shut up. It's not just about how "I" feel, but about right and wrong. This chalta hai attitude is wrong. Nahi chalta aise. 

When you get into the chalta hai attitude, you forget your limits. You cross an invisible line and become one of those who know no better than to just have 'fun' and live for themselves. You show others that it is okay to deviate, to accept what they might feel is wrong, to become 'cool'. 

Src: pinterest

Of course I don't mean you should always be on edge and snap at everything that ticks you off. Sometimes you just cannot point out things directly. Sometimes it's not required. But we need to be aware of what we're doing, what we're saying and how we say it. It's important to know what you think! Most of the times, we're not thinking for ourselves, but simply repeating what others are saying, or worse, what the majority is saying. Take a break, sit back and just think. How do you feel? What makes you feel bad? How can you make a difference? It's not all that difficult, really. You affect the people around you. Stop doing things that you think are wrong. That's it. It's not difficult. When people would see that you don't participate in anything you don't like, they're going to actually feel inspired. Even if they criticize you on your face, they're wondering how you do it. Some might even say that they admire your stand. And if you feel that it'll be difficult, look around. There are always heroes somewhere; someone who's quietly living the way you should. Approach them for help, they'll never refuse. 

So the next time you're tempted to laugh at a sexist joke, stop yourself and tell the person that it's not funny. You should not feel guilty about doing what is right. Never, ever.  

If I were a witch...

Disclaimer: By 'witch', I am not referring to any kind of society/group that exists. Here, witch is referred to in the fictional sense.

***

Actually, I AM a witch, if one were to believe my younger brother G. I was having one of those urges where tiny voices shout in your head, 'write! write! write!' but I didn't have much idea of what to write about. I asked G for a prompt and got this one.

'Write about how you are a witch...

Or what would you do if you *really* got the powers of a witch...

Or about how you hate muggles...'

He nearly earned a bone-crushing hug at that, but he's good at dodging such impulse-driven actions, so the moment passed. And I got this prompt.

When I started thinking about it, I realized that our siblings might be the only ones who know the facts about us, because the more I thought about it, the more I realized I really have the characteristics associated with a witch! Woohoo! Now, G might have imagined me as the hooked nose, black robe wearing, broom yielding witch we used to watch in cartoons, while I wanted to imagine myself as Hermione, but then, why not the traditional one? It's not that they were wicked most of the times. They were mostly shunned by society because everyone feared their knowledge and non-conformity to patriarchy. So if we go by a mix of the good and the bad, we can then look at me, and draw parallels. Let's begin:

# 1. Respect for brain power

Witches are said to hold deep, ancient wisdom and knowledge, especially when it comes to psychology and people. I'm nowhere close to wise, but I do have an interest, and a deep reverence for ancient knowledge and the powers of the brain. Calling oneself smart brain-wise would be preposterous, so I'd refrain from doing that publicly (no matter no one reads this anyway, and no matter how true it is!), but I have to say it's a big, big wow factor above all else. If you tell me you've invented something, that would be the most attractive thing you could say. ^_*

# 2. Intolerance for stupidity

We're all stupid, but some transcend the basic levels and stay high up on the idiocy radar, so that no matter what they speak, it always sounds stupid. And that's what people with agendas relating to doing something awesome, are intolerant to. Sorry, but if you act stupid, we don't. have. the. time. for. it. Goodbye!

# 3. Muggles. -_-

True, everyone could not have been born with magical gifts (kindness, empathy, common sense, to list a few), so there would always be those who either are always harping about the same old things all the time, or those who lack security in their lives and instead of coming to terms with it, they make things miserable for others. Those who fall in this category are muggles, and I wish we could just concoct a brew with pig-tails and salamander nails for ingredients and give it to them, so they can drink it and attain nirvana or at least get better. But alas, forcefully attempting to heal people is not allowed, and in case of witches, it's unlawful! Huh. Proof that the world is overflowing with muggles.

# 4. Living for yourself first

I so miss the time when people were not into social media. I do, I do, I so do! Staying away from it is not the solution, in case you were about to suggest that, because in that case, I'd be left with stray dogs for company, who happen to be the only beings not yet ensnared by it. Even cats have a huge following. But I suffer from dogophobia, and even if I continue my 'no-more-than-half-hour-of-FB-a-day' streak (which, by the way, has made my life much awesomer), I'd still wish we could go back to the good ol' days. :') I think I digressed from the point, but not much. I do prefer to live away from all the noise that internet causes, what with information overload about *the* most crucial things we might miss. Just like those witches feel energized with natural elements like water and the good ol' countryside, I wish I could live like that now. Too old for all ze jazz.

# 5. Seemingly scary to people

This is my favourite. :') I can make people think I'm a scary person; that I'd snap at them if they cross me for any reason, even though that's far from the truth. I used to get annoyed by this earlier, but hey, it's saved me from a lot of disgusting stuff. Annoying kids in school, for example. More annoying people after school, and anywhere else, basically. Don't want to talk to someone? Your poker face would keep them away. Yay! 

It's not really that bad, you know? Heck, I love it. That leaves only a few people who know you for you, who know what your expressions - scary or not - really, really mean, and that makes them really, really special, innit? :')

# 6. Rebellious

After all the time I've spent trying to 'repair' this thing, I've finally accepted it as an inherent thing in me. It just comes naturally and I can't help it. In fact, I wouldn't mind if you call me sadu on my face (wait. You already do -_-), because that's how I am. I hate a lot of things, and don't you go telling me how I need to accept everything, because you have to see that the things I hate actually are hateful, okay? I hate having people around who don't mean much to me (probably why I avoid social gatherings), I kind of hate having someone tell me what to do (in that 'I-know-everything-you-don't-know-anything way) and I hate how books without anything to learn from, except a two minute entertaining thought, are having a huge market. And as for people...

# 7. Independence

Continuing the saduness, I hate being dependent on someone for most things. The top-most reason I love Scoot is because of the independence it offers. No more flagging down riksha/auto-riksha/whatever if you can travel all by yourself. If I could cook (believe it or not, I actually want to learn cooking now), I'd do that myself too. Like all witches who happily do all that they can themselves, I prefer doing the same.

# 8. Carefree

I used to be carefree till about two years ago, after which I was thrown into hell a place that sucked it all out. Now I'm going back to being awesome again, so I guess I can count that too. 

Caring about what people think about how I look/talk/do things? Nah. 

Caring about doing things just so it looks 'nice'? Nah.  

Caring about how some people might think you're selfish? I seriously don't care. 

It's not that I've turned mean, but I'm just preferring my own likes/dislikes. It's important to know myself better, and this is a part of it. So deal with it.

There could be more similarities, as G very helpfully pointed out.

Witchie much?

"You're a sadist... but I think you're a cute sadist. Then, umm... you're also like... who's that guy in Germany? Hitler! You're dictatorial. You're also clever, and loud, and you like to travel to places so you wish for a broom like a witch's (my comment: yusss!) and well, I've always said you look like a... "

By this time, I'm not listening. These are enough for now, don't you think? When I Google searched witches, I got really serious stuff, but I'm limiting myself to the casual witch reference. Y'know, that's more... sadu sounding. ;)

Go ahead. Call me a witch. Proud to be one. ;) 

Basically, what I understand is...

It’s kind of expected (by readers as well as the writers) to make a welcoming-of-the-new-year post, especially if they’ve been seeing it in the past, like in the case of this blog. I had it planned, but one thing that even my optimistic self would accept is that life is very very uncertain. However much you hate change, it is the only constant (that clichéd line again, yes) and you reach a point where you *finally* stop running away from it. It is never easy to embrace change. In fact, it is the hardest thing I find, something I hate doing, something that makes me fear that my whole life is on a change trajectory, something that makes me extremely uncomfortable only because I love my comfort zone. But anyway, I understand that when you try too much to escape, it only builds in magnitude and later comes crashing down on you. And then it hurts a lot. 

I understand that not everything will be perfect. You may want it to be, you may hate the imperfections, but it just isn’t “supposed” to be perfect, because then we wouldn’t have anything to work for and we’d stop being human.

Even if you’re an optimist with an ever-ready “it’s okay” at the tip of your tongue, there will be some problems to which you can’t reply with those words. You will yourself get into situations and feelings where these words would sound useless. And really, you just have to accept the fact that some things in life are just not okay and sometimes you just have to live with it. It can’t always be okay-ish and happy-ish, because some things would inevitably hurt, even if you’re an escapist or a protect-ist. This ridiculously pessimist-sounding stuff would catch up with you, no matter what.

Once an Indian, always an Indian. And always being plagued by some kinds of Indianness and mindset, no matter how you want it to be. Even if you run away to live in another country, you’d still be haunted by stupid things associated with being an Indian. Even if your whole family is awesome, you’d still have problems, because with Indians, you can’t be just “you”. You have to look at the whole society, culture, customs and all those things you actually respect, but they don’t necessarily return the favour. How dare you even think about just yourself? You have to live according to superficial rules, or else you’re a dark blot on the society and no one would ever love your family again. *Wishing she could have been a gareeb angrez instead*

Pic credit: Me

I understand that I won’t understand everything (even though I am quite amazing when it comes to understanding, but still) and it’s foolish to feel bad about not ‘getting it’. Also, I’m not a social being. I can focus on just a few people outside my own self at a given time, and trying to add more people into it just causes problems for me. As an experimental thing, I deactivated my Facebook account recently, just for a while, and although there isn’t enough evidence to prove it, I think there is somehow a correlation between my happy nature and switching that source of interaction off. For one, I can focus more on “my” things (reading, writing, thinking, crafting, talking to people who’re close to me). Secondly, I am not in contact with other people’s lives as much. Do I really need to know what 300 something of my FB friends are up to? I really don’t have that much of time. I used to scoff at those who deactivated accounts, but now? Not so much. I see how it can reduce the level of noise in your life. And sometimes, you just need silence.

I understand that I don’t have any ‘blog-obligations’. Y’know, like to make a New Year post (however much I had wanted to), making a certain number of posts a month, keeping away from openly writing about feelings, etc. In fact, when I read one of my favourite columnists, Natasha Badhwar, talking about writing about feelings and experiences and your own stories, I’m even more open to them! Consider this line that makes you go “Ohhh yess!!”

“The struggle to express is a struggle to heal”

I’ve been having trouble writing since the past few months, not because I suddenly don’t know how to write, but simply because I mostly write on stuff drawn from experience, and at that time, I didn’t quite know how to deal with myself, I was trying to heal and hence, struggling with expressing.

“The power to write your own story will come to you when you give up the fear that your truth will somehow hurt you”

Really. Why don’t we write about things that hurt us? What we learned from it, or rather, how much we hate it? Because we try to ignore the truth, we don’t acknowledge it, we turn into escapists. That is why.

And oh yes, I also understand how cool it is when you can get this idea from a cool friend to write posts in a font you prefer. ;)