Just how random could you be?

Dear God,

Will you please make me feel calm, free and stable "from inside"? I know I'd feel that way when I know what's bothering me. I mean, fine. I do know some of the reasons, and I feel sad that I can't do much about them, because they just can't be helped. How can you deal with grief over missing your loved ones? Time heals, bas. I just am grateful for friends who help.

OK thanks. *End of letter*

I decided just a few moments ago, for the millionth time, that since I've tried many other things to try being happy, I should use the 'write-humor-just-like-you-used-to' technique. Again. I've tried and failed because it seems I can't really write "that way" unless I'm feeling really awesome, which was a feeling so full in me until a couple of years ago. I mean, have you guys even read my previous posts? I feel awesome just reading them over and over, trying to find The Lost Girl! 

Anyway, what am I supposed to even write on? I'm so not into planned posts right now (which, believe me, I have planned). *Thinking, thinking* Did I mention that time when I did not even recognize Scoot? o.O It was late evening and I was, like usual, in a rush to get home (I so dislike outdoors in Delhi, alone, after dark). I sped towards the purple scooty, put in the key in the compartment lock and twisted it. It didn't budge. I tried again and again, getting anxious, thinking someone messed with Scoot! But just then I peeped at the number plate. OOPS! Not daring to look anywhere else, ignoring the random uncle who had apparently witnessed the scene and was suspiciously looking at me (seriously. Can't an innocent-looking- and even otherwise innocent- girl make a small mistake?), went ahead to look for the real Scoot! 

Then two days ago when I made my much-awaited visit to the New Delhi World Book Fair, which by the way, was not even close to how awesome I had imagined it would be (what is wrong with the world?), the day started with a classy katta. I picked up a new pair of sandals that day, one of which snapped as soon as I reached the metro station and then I had to drag myself all the way, asking my friends to accompany me to a metro station outside of which I knew a cobbler to be. -_- 

Although, I'm happy with the books I got. I've started looking for fun, different and rare kind of books at such events. One, you can anyway buy the usual books from anywhere else, what's so special about getting them from a book fair? Just like last time, my *ahem* expert eyes found some beautiful hardbacks at a cool bargain (though I regret not getting more such books, but still!). One of them is pretty cool, a purple book on Wizardology! Talks about different wizards and their characteristics and details. It even has a set of 24 cards to play with. Merlin's Beard! :D Then there's another one that I got just for the sake of remembering my childhood, a huge book called Dr. Seuss's Bedtime stories. Another book I'm excited about getting is Frankenstein, which I'd wanted to read ever since I read The Lost Girl.

Wizardology!

God, it's so easy to talk about books! What would I even do in life without them? :| Okay. According to this year's reading goals, I'm supposed to read 5 books a month. January was awesome. I've read just 2 in Feb and it's almost over. Anyone recommend me some short and awesome books? 

There's hardly been anything new in life so far. College's about to end, I haven't even applied anywhere for a job yet (I just want to stay at home for a while and read. Take a break. What's wrong with that? -_-) and I'm just waiting for that carefree, liberating feeling I so want to have asap! Meanwhile, anyone know this song called Chasing the Sun by Sara Bareilles? It's naaice!! *_*

*Today*
I feel weirdly excited. There isn't much to be excited about, but I still do. Good thing? Madness thing? o.O
Anyway, since I don't have a lot to talk about, but I have to write-anything-because-I-feel-that-urge, so I'll tell you about this latest interest I, and a couple more blogger friends have developed. We've been intrigued by MOOCs (Massive Open Online Courses) and I've tried a couple of them. First off, they're interesting becasuseeee you seem to find a course on such a wide range of topics that you feel so free to think that you could actually take some course, online, on any subject you wish to study, and maybe get a certificate of participation too! "Maybe" because not all of them offer it. And you got to earn them by submitting assessments on time. :P

The first one I did was called 'Introduction to Guitar' offered by Berklee College of Music, which as you may know, is one of the top universities of music. Sadly, I had to leave the course in between because one, my guitar (which hadn't been used since the past three years, ever since it entered our household) struck up a problem in the form of horribly tuned strings, and something most probably broke but I didn't have the time to get it repaired or checked (Hail MBA!) and two, I missed a couple of assignment deadlines, and the motivation was lost. :|

But then a friend made me look up a course called 'The Future of Storytelling' and really, it seemed so interesting and the fact that two of my friends too had enrolled themselves in it, I ended up going through the course, in due time, and successfully completed it too! :D This one was from the University of Potsdam, Germany. The one we're presently pursuing is called 'Introduction to Philosophy' and I just wanted something interesting to do, for the time I get in between the MBA respite, to have something that would give me interesting things to think about, make me learn things I did not know already and give me ideas. ;) I'm kind of lagging behind right now, but I'm definitely going to make up for it and complete it well within the stipulated time. :)

OK. I should probably sleep. Maybe I'd get such dreams that would give me something interesting to write on, a dream more elaborate than the one I had this morning where I went to a wedding with my family and Salman Khan was there. o.O The only reference to Salman Khan all day yesterday was about how hard he laughed when he was at Comedy Nights with Kapil. I mean, I don't even like Salman Khan. And it was kind of evident in the dream too, since I at first, mocked the people who were crowding around him but in the end when I thought, 'Okay, maybe I should anyway get a photo clicked with him since he's here,' I couldn't. -_- I'm destined for kattas even in dreams.

Hopefully, I'd be back with interesting updates! Or a new story! :)

PS- Someone train me on Title-keeping? The post's title gives off a connotation that doesn't even relate with what I've written. Yes, I'm hudd sleepy right now, but steeeel!

Killjoy, anyone?

Y'know what I admire mostest about this blog? It never says no to my impulsive experiments. If you're one of those people who're rolling their eyes thinking, 'how can a blog even say no?', then.... I'd only smile at your naivety. :)

I'm in a "very" weird state these past months, more so in the present, with my ever-so-optimistic-self being tested day in and out. I'm persisting, though. For one, I'm so done with studies! Classes are good. Homework? Get-lost! I mean, I can't really make it "get lost" because I'd lose those stupid "marks", but it's such a pain! I totally forgot I have a mid-sem exam tomorrow and remembered just as I sat down to write a blog post. A post from a list of topics I had, which included:

1. Metro Diaries

2. My life in a quirkbox

3. Education is empathy

4. A fictional story using personification

5. Grief and I

But since when have I been writing posts I actually planned? Never! I thought I should simply give in and rant a bit. It's been such a long time since I wrote an angry post. I'm angry, irritated, helpless and sad over a lot of things, mostly about how we're so bound to societal mentality that individualism is looked down on and anyone with a deviant thought is considered mental. It's so irritating that it makes me cry. I mean, why should I act or behave thinking about what people would think? Why? I will not. It's not always about keeping your personal preferences on the side and going with everyone else. What if I don't like it? Why should I do it? Idiots.

If only I looked this cute when angry :|

I'm done with being nice and feeling like a social worker with an MBA degree. I've literally been fighting internally with the conflict between what I personally feel and what we're taught. I've been following even the tiniest of rules like an idiot all my life, and watching everyone else getting it easy even when they're so deviant. I've been feeling like I'm taken for granted just because I hate advertising everything I do or say. I'm tired of keeping everyone first and people are so used to it that they get pissed off when I try doing what "I" want to. It's a pathetic feeling and I hate it.

I'm tired of trying to bring together everyone time and again, not realizing that they might not even want to go back to the awesome-friends-group we were. I'm done with it all. I'm not a socializer, getting people to meet each other and be friends and not being able to meet anyone myself. I'd love to do awesome things for people, but I want some reciprocation myself. Let me be myself, let me make friends as I want, let me talk! I do not care about what the world thinks, this is MY life and you, well wishers, should be happy when I'm happy rather than thinking about what people will say. People are horrible. I'd in fact advise you not to be one of them.

Be it whoever, my trust gets tested (and broken) and I'm scared. No one is ever going to let you do what you really want, be it anything. Career related, friendship related, family related, what-the-hell-ever. 

More than anything, I miss my old life. I miss my grandmom the most in this world, which is just a pathetic place without her. Sorry to say, but no one else can make it as beautiful and comfortable as she made it. And since I am this sad about the state of things, I expect to be understood, even when I know it's idiotic to expect. I also expect not to be judged, to not be the subject of gossip, to not being stared at when I'm not doing anything to you. This is such a ridiculously annoying habit in people. I'm not talking to you, I don't want your interference, can't you just keep your nose to yourself? 

If I keep on going at this topic, I'd write the things I wanted to include in the "Grief and I" post, so I'd stop. But just as a prelude, I'm in a grieving stage, feeling horrible about everything I keep on losing gradually, people included. You'd do well if you don't piss me off about anything and keep away from me. This is so horrible, I actually wanted to write an awesome, kind of funny post about the funny things that happened lately. But then mood killers pop up. -_- I suppose I'd write the awesome things later, once I'm done with stupid tests.

PS- Don't worry. Most of these things are those that can't be helped and I just can't manage this helpless feeling. The past few days have given me light instances to talk about. You never know, I might just not study at all and end up writing a humorous post after this. :P 

PPS- I was so excited about all the books-to-movies this year. Three have passed, one's releasing tomorrow and with everything killjoy, I'd have to wait for months to watch it for when it becomes available online. How sick is that? -_- 

The Nerdy Things I Can't Get Over..!

How do you even define "nerdy"? I'm just going by what 'people' say or react like, even though I don't even notice much what people's opinions are (who has the time to consider them?)! Still, there are many things normal common people do or like that I don't do or like.

Example, watching movies. I dunno, I would rather read. That's all. Spending hours in front of a screen just watching seems like a waste of time, unless what you're watching holds some meaning or gives you intense emotions you would like to think over, or something like that. Don't get me wrong, I do like certain movies. Just that they end up being based on books. It's almost magnetic, half of them were those I didn't even know were based on books. And I prefer English more, no offence to Bollywood. But anyway, how else do you explain that I can watch kids' movies (Charlie and the chocolate factory, Madeline, Matilda, 101 Dalmitians, etc) easily over and over again? That I would be hooked to a movie on TV and years later discover a book with the same title? (Tuck Everlasting! The scariest movie on immortality ever! I mean, it just made me scared of the idea of being immortal). I love animation films, although I wouldn't watch these all by will or deliberation, except sticking to my ritual of watching Christmas movies on Christmas. I must be very bored, or have the time for it to be able to watch a movie.

When it comes to movies based on books that I've read these past 2-3 years, I feel differently. I admit to acting like a demented hypermaniac when the Harry Potter movies released. I had to watch them and get the movie DVDs on birthdays. I had to watch them countless times whenever I had time, but they were awesome movies, you've got to see! I don't feel the same for movies-based-on-books right now. It's weird, really. I used to be so excited about watching a movie replaying the same story I read, but in the past few weeks, watching trailers made me nervous. I wasn't so sure that the movies would stay true to the books. I suspect they'd give in to commercialization, which, I don't like.

I didn't much enjoy the Catching Fire movie, then I was all, " :O Why do Rose and Lissa look like glamorous dolls in this movie poster?" for the Vampire Academy movie (which I'll nevertheless watch, but still). Then the trailer for The Fault in Our Stars came out. I was excited, I wanted it to be awesome! It was, at least for many people. I don't know how I felt except that now I feel like granting access to the movie only to those people who've read the book. Don't ask why, I don't know. I feel like the others wouldn't understand. And one word any non-reader utters against the movie Is. Going. To. Suffer. -_-

Last year's b'day achievement :P

Books. Synonymous to "life" for me, however dramatic it may seem. But really, whatever sanity I have left in me is because of them. Just. Love. Them. All. :') I love collecting books, not just for the sake of collecting, but if I'm reading something I'm liking, I have to have it. I ask for books on birthdays, and whatever occasion demands a gift. My family finds it so weird that they've taken a list of books as a complimentary gift to the "main" gift for birthdays. Who's going to tell them I care more about the complimentary? Some friends say, 'we won't gift you books, you need something more normal', but they happen to be college-people, mostly, so it's okay. The other nerdy friends just know which book would be ideal. I appreciate both, though.

The way I pass my "extremely-limited" free time would include:

1. Randomly going through books I have.

2. Browsing Goodreads or Flipkart or Amazon.in (how can I not see the Indian version of Amazon? Even if it looks cent per cent like the international site? :P)

3. Thinking of ways in which that huge carton that brought with it the new washing machine, could be folded and converted into yet another book holder.

4. Updating the list of books at home. In my special Books-only notebook. Checking how many have been lent, and thinking of ways to get them back asap. :P

5. Writing

6. Emailing the nerdy friend(s) about 'smart' things I got to know. Mostly stuff from books that made me think deeply.

7. Browsing through HBO, WB, Star Movies, World Movies, etc and stopping to watch a Narnia movie.

Other stuff I do:

- Collect quotes, mostly in a notebook dedicated to bookish-updates.

- Collect smart-ass phrases to be put on tees (although I just have one tee that says, 'Don't let the muggles get you down' gifted by two awesome friends! *_*)

- Make stuff like papier mache objects, cards and simple bookmarks.

Papier mache thingy and I

- The only game on my cell phone I ever seem to play, if at all I do, is one on the Hunger Games. :P

- The only kind of apps I use include: Angry Words, Notes, Duolingo, Kindle, Feedly, Blogger, Goodreads!

- Use four different colored pens while taking down notes in class. And the colors should include pink and purple, or else it'll be too boring!

- Add cuttings of Natasha Badhwar's column to the folder with other newspaper cuttings, including Sonal Kalra's column!

- Re-read old posts from this blog. God knows how much I learn about myself like this. :P

- Make progress with some online course I'd be pursuing (this is a recent add-on).

You get the gist. -_- Now who has the time to go shopping or gossiping when there is so much to do? Who wants to stay back in a wella college when I'd rather find peace doing all these things? Which lately includes being in denial and shock and crying over the end of the third book in the Vampire Academy series. I mean! It's going to be three days! I have no idea how to get over it! I've even started reading something else entirely, instead of moving on to the next book!

More for later! Pretty Sunday's over now. :|

Floating in the depths...

Jan 21: Pre-post scribble: *eyes narrowed down* in my usual you-dare-mess-with-me stare, I look at the laptop's screen but my mind's busy reminding me for the millionth time how futile that will be. Since when did things start happening depending on how you stare at them? Yep, you got it right: Never. -_-

***

Jan 25: I wanted to write today, since after so long the day went awesome-awesome. At least it can be called awesome judging by the quality of life I lead these days. But just when I decided I would write, I did not want to write. I got rude with a best friend, just-like-that. :| I'm sorry dude, even though you said I wasn't rude (see, if it makes you smile wider, this even rhymes :P ).

***

Jan 26: I can't even write more than a small paragraph at a stretch? Seriously, what is wrong with me? To top it all, I feel really pissed off. First, I'm feeling restless, not having written anything but feeling that itch inside to write. If I didn't feel like it, it would have been okay. But I feel like I'd calm down only if I write, ergo, I feel restless (yo bestie, now toh smile :D ). Second, I also feel angry at just living in a place where mental freedom is so hard to find. I mean!!! Why is there so much of stress around? Around useless things? I was fine about other people stressing over things, but now it's affecting me! It's almost as if it's become tangible and jumping out from people and latching onto me, and I do not want stress. I hate it. See? I'm even stressing over the fact I don't like stress. How stressful is that?

Pic credit: Dad

Third, it's taking all amounts of self-control and optimism to survive college. God bless those ikke dukke kids who have a sense of humor and in whose presence I actually feel like laughing. *Take deep breaths* Just two more months. Then, finally, freedom! Although I have to say, college did teach me a lot apart from studies. I'm sure if I survived this, I can survive a lot. 8| 

Fourth, I feel helpless about a lot of things, including the fact that people don't understand people. It's kind of frustrating to see judgments passed through, about anyone, for anything. Why do we even care to comment on people? We never know where they're coming from. And this makes me mad because I used to be indifferent to this attitude, but now, I just find it hugely frustrating. Total piss-off material.

Fifth, we're studying different kinds of personalities in class. Turns out the terms we generally use for disorders are personality types, and each of us possesses some or the other traits and characteristics from them, most probably a mix of some types. Example, I could have some traits of a paranoid, and a schizoid and a narcissist. While it's interesting to study these types, as it definitely makes you more empathetic to people (if of course, you see it that way, instead of just mocking people in class based on characteristics described, like some people in my class do), it's also slightly going to stay in the back of your mind, continuously running like an open-in-the-background-app (err... what metaphors :P).

And it's hard to discuss it with family and friends, just because they might not understand or interpret it the way you do. But it has made me even more open to differences and I am simply wishing for everyone to start feeling like that, so there'll be more understanding and less of judging. 

Sixth, I feel absolutely no inclination to do any assignment. Considering how this is the last sem, you'd think they'd make it easier. But not only are the subjects too boring, the assignments feel like such a ridiculous task thrust upon us and seriously, most of them actually make no sense. The previous trimesters sometimes even seemed remotely interesting, although I hardly liked the assignments unless they offered good learning potential, which the new ones absolutely do not. I've got assignments to submit tomorrow, but I feel irritable just thinking about those. Why couldn't I have done something interesting? 

Seventh, I feel weird too, mostly because I'm feeling more selfish than I've ever been in my life. Not in terms of materialism, but just not feeling enough empathy for those who're sad. It's like I'm so drained myself that I'm barely staying afloat, so logically, that makes sense. How can I worry about the world when I'm feeling irritable and restless myself? Although it's not that much, but things that are disturbing bring in a feeling of restlessness rather than sadness. Not every time, of course. For family and friends, you don't even feel like it's a burden or separate from you. But when it's about the rest of them, right now, I don't want to listen to them.

Eighth, I really wish Mr. Freud wrote his book in an easier-to-read language! I really want to understand and interpret dreams, not that I don't have any idea. And I don't really want to read Mr. Freud's interpretations either, but still. At this moment, any form of understanding is a welcome prospect. My dreams have turned more vivid and more close to real life, so unlike earlier. It's like all those things I don't like, come together to life in an illustrated form. Weird, weird, weird!

Ninth, what I really wanted to write this blogpost on, when I titled it 'floating in the depths' was about how I've always found myself so into things, especially feelings. Till about a year ago when I still had the time (and inclination) for it, I used to look up stuff related to sun signs and feel happy about the awesome things that matched. One of the things I read was about how we tend to think about the deeper mysteries of life more closely than other people. No wonder, since thinking keeps me occupied most of the time. But I have an aversion to thinking about sad stuff. I don't read sad stories (exceptions aside), I don't like sad music, and I feel like hugging sad people. Why is there sadness in the first place? But going through it myself, I also know that time takes care of it when nothing else can. You just need to have patience. O:)

But anyway, I do like things with deep meanings. Hidden meanings. Reading between the lines. Clues that link back to something said previously. I love kids' books and stories so much, simply because when they're about to end, they come up with beautiful interpretations of the whole story and a deeper meaning is brought out. Like a few days ago I watched Madagascar on TV (Escape to Africa) and I couldn't help feeling awed at the underlying theme: they think a lion is not a lion if it can't fight. Alakay (Alex) is a dancing lion who lived in New York and finally found himself back to his parents in the jungle. When his dad Zuba dismisses him because he could not fight, it brought a sense of frustration we know so well. Tight societal norms. And in the end it's Alex's dancing (apart from the lion-ic spirit, of course) that saves them from maniac New Yorkers stranded in the jungle. Same is the case with Heidi, the TV cartoon I absolutely watched full of emotion even as a kid! I read the book recently and saw how it talks so politely about people, even those who're mean with such a sense of fairness that it makes you think about the way you think about people!

Finally, I really want to know. Is there a God up above who takes into account the manners and goodness people have? I've been so full of confidence about good people having the best of all that I turned a blind eye to little things that were unfair to me, even though I do try to be good. I don't really want to lose faith in Him, but it seems like being good has little use. It's like no one expects you to be good and they assume you're just putting up an act. How shattering is that? The chant seem to get it all, and you're a plain loser. It makes me angry, but well, I do believe it matters more to your own conscience. Just that outwardly sometimes you wish you weren't so misunderstood. 

That's all for now! I'm reading okay these days, so that's a nice plus. I'm into the third book of the Vampire Academy series and it's a nice feeling to read about smart-ass vamps and dhampirs. Thank God for books. They make all the difference between getting crazy and sanity!