The anatomy of fear

A big portion of our life is spent dealing with this thing called fear. More often than not, fear comes in disguise. We don't realise it's essentially 'fear' we are facing. Sometimes it really annoys me when I'm sitting and just not feeling good. There seems to be no valid reason for it. I am a girl who goes by logic. I have everything I could need in life. There are always more aspirations, of course, but I don't crave them as such. Then why can't my heart be light and happy? What is it that draws me under, for no apparent reason? I was sitting and staring at my bookshelf, thinking about this, when I saw this book called Mastermind--How to Think Like Sherlock Holmes. I've always loved the way Holmes can sit and THINK logically and know answers to the most baffling questions. Could I solve this riddle in my life in the same way?

Turns out that even if you cannot 'solve' such questions, you can surely find yourself introspecting and having certain realisations that can help you understand it better. It's like the way it happens when you're feeling sick--unless you KNOW what's the cause of your illness, you'll keep getting paranoid and feeling worse. Knowing the cause immediately makes you feel a whole lot better, because you then know what to do about it. Knowing, understanding, is key.

I had also come across an article that talked about why our generation is generally more unhappy--the expectations we have from ourselves, drawn from the expectations our previous generation has from us, are way higher than what the current state of the world can afford. The world is changing too fast--and we're stuck with expectations that arose decades ago. We can't keep up with them. This, however, is a generation-wide case. What can be done is to KNOW that this is a problem and find your own ways of dealing with it.

So, what IS fear? What is it that makes us afraid of facing our fear? Here are some definitions I realised can be termed as our fears:

1. That feeling when you realise you might not fulfill a loved one's expectations. Or your own, for that matter.

2. Fear is not a 'pre' concept. You can feel fear for a situation that has already passed. You either did not feel it at that time or the intensity of other emotions was more than fear. This happened with me and adventure rides. I'd always been keen on rides that made you turn upside down, go full speed in dark tunnels, or make you enter creepy passageways, but later on when I stand and look at other people on those rides, I am fearful, a good number of what-ifs running through my mind, making my heart beat faster with anxiety. I'm scared of it all--AFTERWARDS. 

There have been other similar feelings--looking at the vulnerability of college-going kids sitting around the metro stations and realising you survived it all. That split-second shudder you get when you think about how you were lucky enough to have it smooth.

3. Fear is uncertainty. That feeling when a loved one doesn't pick your call(s); when you wait for a result; when you bite your nails thinking about a future event; when your heart beats rapidly before you have to address someone; when you want to know what the other person is thinking but you're afraid to ask. 

I feared this stream until I stepped into it

4. Fear is intuition's enemy. Fear likes to creep in silently or to surprise us, but our intuition warns us beforehand. 

5. Fear feeds on pessimism. Fear captures our mind when it's busy with what-ifs and have-nots. 

6. Fear lives in the mind. A child is fearless because she/he cannot differentiate between the dangerous and the safe. A child's mind has no compartments for fear to hide in. We are fearful of situations that have never happened, and that is where fear wins. It makes us keep thinking of something we don't want till we end up suffering from that very thing. 

7. Fear is ruthless. You can't plead with it to stop; you can't ask it to come later. 

 Well, I'm still a long way away from being like Holmes, but at least I managed to dissect the idea of fear to be able to better understand it (and write a post about it, which matters SO MUCH). Apart from this, there are some genuine reasons too (such as the pollution and stress and population and politics and whatever else we're surrounded with), but I still don't know why, even when you know the reasons, you can't shake off the anxious beating of your heart. My heart, for one, never ever listens to my brain's instructions. It's a spoilt brat that way.

Can you relate with this post? What do you think fear is? 

What happened to my love for TFIOS...

*TFIOS - The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

I believe myself to be one of those cranky people who're obsessed with everything absolutely original and genuine. I don't like spoofs, or fan-fiction, or technology that quickens the age-old techniques that made people patient. There's evidence in the way people behave, about how mindless use of everything that we feel makes our lives easier is only making us lazy, unkind, liars and generating such needs we never knew we had. I miss the time I did not have a smartphone, which was only a year ago, yet it seems like ages. It's only a small device, yet it brought so many changes that makes me feel like I've spent a lifetime doing nothing important. It's a difficult realization, because the convenience it gives is too much to let go, so that if you want to reduce the wasteful time, you've got to know how you can avoid it, and work on the way you've figured out.

Anyway, why do I always divert from the essence of the post I'm supposed to write? Back to TFIOS. I don't even like short-forms. I started using TFIOS for The Fault in Our Stars since it became all too common, and I hate myself for succumbing to it. I remember the first year of book blogging. It was the most enriching, lovely and transforming phase in my life when it came to books. I had found a way to express my love for books, share my thoughts, and interact with people who shared the same love. I was one of the few Indian bloggers who had pure, bookish blogs and I was proud. I learned A LOT. I read a lot. And then the phenomenon of book blogging became popular, or I reached my saturation, or there were just too many fellow Indians blogging about the kind of books I hated, that I simply stopped hopping onto other blogs unless they really intrigued me.

During that period when I used to get all excited by the new releases and read lots of YA, The Fault in Our Stars by John Green got amazing reviews. I was naturally entranced by it, although owing to my natural aversion to anything popular, it was a long time before I actually got down to reading it. Just like most of the world, I loved it. I loved it even though it was somewhat a love story (which I find difficult to read), even though it defied all rules of a 'good book' in my criteria. I loved the smartness of Hazel and Augustus's talks, I loved the places they visited and I loved the sadness in it. I was so used to (and preferring) happy endings in novels that I was surprised to find one that wasn't happy, or necessarily hopeful, yet I had loved reading it. I was sure I'd re-read the book a lot many times later on. 

My reader-blogger friends read it as well, and we discussed the book. Looking back, I now feel probably that love was only a phase. Probably. Because then we got news that it was being made into a movie, and were we excited! I was ecstatic. That was still the time when I enjoyed movies from book adaptations. With feelings of anticipation, I watched the trailer, and was immediately disappointed. Now, I don't have any issues with any actor, or people who made the movie or people who're watching and loving it. It's entirely a personal thing. I felt it was too much like a love story, and thinking that movies are commercial and would be molded to fit the audience's interest did nothing to make me feel better about the movie. My reaction at first was, 'This is not the Hazel I imagined. We made plans to watch the movie anyway, but got busy. I was somewhat relieved. I didn't want to watch it anymore. 

The original love spitter-spattered. :|
Pic src: Google images

While the movie was being made and before any visual came out, I was still in awe of the story. I saw a girl in the metro wearing converse shoes themed The Fault in Our Stars blue, with the white clouds and "Okay, Okay" written on them. She told me her friend had made those for her. I admired those shoes and the girl and her friend all the way. I gushed about Gus with a friend for months, and then it all suddenly stopped. I am not sure why, but I partly feel it's because it got too popular, and all sorts of people were seen with that book in the metro. Although I was glad that at least people are reading something good instead of those crappy novels I usually see as popular metro reads, but The Fault in Our Stars then became TFIOS. Everyone knew about it, everyone loved it. Even the wrong sort.

A group of friends(?) planned to watch the movie, knowing, (or most probably not knowing) how much I had loved the book, conveniently forgot including me in their plan to watch it. In all probabilities, I'd have refused, and it most certainly did not matter then, but maybe it did, just a little (that's why it occurred to me to write it here, didn't it?). It made me go away from TFIOS all the more, because I realized that everyone was watching it. Everyone was aware of the story I once read so carefully, tucked into the covers and marking the beautifully written phrases. It ceased to be special, or at least as special as some other stories are. I still haven't brought myself to re-read it, or watch the movie. Probably I won't for a long long time. 

It's a strange obsession, I tell you. One of my closest friends once remarked how I might be missing out on good stories this way; not reading or watching something just because it's popular, or worse, all the people I don't like are gushing about it (read Game of Thrones). I agree, but I know I'll eventually get to those stories sometime. Later on when people have forgotten about it, perhaps. Or maybe I'd make some exceptions that don't even make you feel like you're one of the many, like Harry Potter. It's not easy, especially not in my now-adopted profession, because I'd need to read as many popular things as I can get my hands on. But essentially, my nature stays the same: I want all the amazing books to be read and loved, but I don't know how, because when they do get popular, I sometimes feel uneasy, like a special part of myself has been opened and taken by random strangers. 

***

Hiya peepul! I haven't re-read this post, but if it came out as gloomy or whatever, please don't take it like that. I'm totally cool, like always. *_* I've missed posting on my blog for so long! *wails like a banshee* I've promised a friend I'd put up a tutorial for making papier mache objects, but it's still not written. Will do that next, in all probabilities! What's been up with you guys? :D        

I don't know why I'm writing this. I should SERIOUSLY be working right now!

What's up with the loooong titles I have these days? I mean, have I become so lazy that I wouldn't even want to wait a few seconds to think of a creative, short-yet-meaningful title? Oh wait, yes I have. :| Not that I care much, because this is one of those times when I seriously cannot stop typing. I just need to. Like, "need" to. Even though I also desperately "need" to shut down all these tabs and work, because it is nearing midnight and I have to actually "go" to work tomorrow. But anyway, blogging rules! So yeah, I'll sacrifice some sleep, which in itself is a huge feat, so you can guess how important would be the work I have (yet I prefer to blog), and slog some time working after I'm done with this post.

But wait. What am I even saying? I need to write something that makes sense! You know, even though this, what I'm doing right now is perilous, I'm glad I'm insane enough to do it. I mean, I was so bored not being the old me, even though the new me is nicer and kinder and what-not, but it gives a good feeling to go back to idiocy sometimes. The first line in my last post stated how happy I am these days, which is true for the most part. Oh wait, *optimism insertion* *re-quote* Which is so much true! And believe me, it's not because I suddenly found something awesome, even though I did, but that was because I started on a conscious quest to leave out negativity and get to awesomeness in life. Following really simple things works wonders! *_*

Anyway, awesomesauciness news? Most of my usual worries lately revolve(d) around the job-search process, mostly because we're surrounded by so many expectations and people and crazy-pots, that it does become hard to focus on your own self. But if you really want something, you have to stick to your own ideas, come-what-may. People don't really matter. I know it is easy for me to say so, because even I believe I got lucky, but there's no harm hoping for awesome things, right? :) Cutting a long story short, my status from a berozgaar MBA shifted to Assistant Editor at an Indian publishing house. :D I mean!! These guys actually gave me an opportunity to get straight to book editing. *feels forever abhaari*

Even though I'm new in the process, I'm sure I'd get to learn so much! And I can hardly feel the weirdness of not really, formally using my MBA degree right now. I won't say I don't mind it either, but that is a very tiny fraction of it, and things we learn in business schools are far beyond formal work. Those are things that make you a better professional and a better worker, both of which would be used in any kind of job I perform. And I got to do something so close to my heart, what else could I have asked for? :') EEPS! :D

Before this awesomeness happened to me, I was thinking of making a Job Search Diary series on this blog, talking about the job-search process, the funny and the silly, the preparing for interviews, the encounters with (trust me) really weird specimens, how you think and how it actually turns out, yada yada. I dropped the idea when I was no longer welli, but I guess I can still do it. After all, there would be stuff to report even when I'm working, right? I'd just hope my employers won't read those posts! Not that I'd have anything bad to report, but still. :P What do you think? O:)

Alright penguin! Going, going!
Pic credit: Somewhere from Google!

Now. I should seriously get back to work. Or else either this penguin will eat me up - and I'd be found in this mug in the morning - or I'd have to lose my precious sleep, which makes me a *very* dangerous person to mess with. Ciao!  

When will you know what's for you?

Strange things happen to people, and we've all got our own ways of dealing with them. Some of us are so used to perfection and clarity that a little deviation from that state creates anxiety. I'm one of those, horrible at 'adjusting' to new situations and people. I have a feeling this weird 'characteristic' leads me into strange situations, more than any other thing.

How and when do you really know when something is just right for you? Something so amazing might come your way and with the initial inhibitions, you might even do it reasonably well, but you're never happy or comfortable about it, sometimes without reason. And when you do know the reason, it sounds so lame to you that you can't even manage to tell anyone, because you'd be in for a lecture that begins with 'don't be such a fool!'

You might even be having an internal monologue that goes like this:

What if I want to take chances? What if something reasonably amazing on the surface is with me, but I just don't feel I'd like it? God forbid, what if it even leads me to believe that I'd never be as good as the rest? I think I'd know what isn't for me when it comes, but then, I'm too worried thinking about how it makes me look, rather than how it makes me feel. And ever since I did try focusing on accepting only that which made me happy, I've been looked at like a non-achiever and someone who makes silly decisions. 

So what if I'm having trouble figuring it out? I'm not used to it and it'll take time. Why will it be so wrong even if I make a mistake? Maybe the timing isn't right. It would have been a lot better if maybe it came at a later stage in life. Right now, it's not possible for me to handle it. It makes me shrink, it makes me nervous and I just don't want it. 

After spending days worrying and nights nightmare-ing about something you shouldn't even be stressing SO much about, you start feeling more hopeful. But that hope will die. Family would help you, friends would and sometimes even strangers might make you feel better, but you'll go back to your own head in the end and in all likelihood if you want to remain sane, you'd listen to your heart and not what would be considered 'an immense opportunity'. 

Well, I'm willing to not do something because the truth is, I'm scared. And I don't want to fight. It should be okay to give in sometimes, just for the sake of your mental state. If I'm okay with being a Kindergarten kid sometimes, it should really be okay. I'll take it up happily when I know it is for me. Right now, it just isn't.

PS- Why do I always find myself in the weirdest, awkwardest situations??? You guys wouldn't believe what's going on if I told you (that's just exactly why I'm not :P )