The light and the heavy!

For a brilliant change there's been so much to write about! So much that I'm confused as to what should I start to write about! :P

Heavy: You know how there are times when you feel like your heart, your brain and your soul are completely going on and on, stretching dangerously in the opposite directions so that you feel like you might burst? An indifferent word, a callous attitude, a carelessly thrown rude remark, is what it takes for that last straw to pop and God save the world! You're gone! Like, literally. Because you know what? No one wants to know what your problem is. Someone rightly said, 'Smile, and the world smiles with you. Weep, and you weep alone'. I get it, but I also support crying when it's needed. You don't need to pretend everything's alright when you don't feel it is. Heck with what the world thinks, stop pretending and do it, say it, all that you think for real. Even if you get to realize you don't mean as much to everyone as you thought you did. You should be happy that the realization came on sooner rather than later!

Light: My new I'll-go-for-a-walk-every-day-regime? Which by the way, has successfully completed two days. I'm quite sure I'll be able to stick to it for some while. I've decided on evening walks, as getting up before 7.20 (minimum time) is oh-not-so-possible. Trust me, I've tried the 'Early to bed, early to rise' thing, but it's always, 'early-or-later-to-bed-you're-not-getting-up-early-enough' for me! :P What can I do, though? Just not a morning person! Besides, there are so many things you can see during those evening minutes of self-imposed-harrowing-walking, things that equally want to make you smile and tear your hair out! I made a list. While walking. That's for another post!

Heavy: Dreams you harbored in yourself, quite deep inside, so deep that you can't take them out without needing surgery, shattered. It isn't as dramatic as it sounds, but it's heartbreaking nevertheless. When you have to face the hard, dumb reality that how you thought things would turn out, actually don't? There are things you desire so madly that you just don't want to hear those words, those that say it isn't possible, that suggest your weakness, your helplessness and  your vulnerability. Just those words would be able to bring you to tears as you stare at the pieces of your dreams fallen apart and lying around like junk. Maybe even stamped upon by some pitying souls. Please God! Not that dream, it's the most important to me. :|

Light, Light and Light!: I'm the kind of a nakli city girl. The one who lives in the supposedly, fastest city and still not being able to roam around on my own. For one, I'm the biggest lost-case when it comes to directions and places. Just-can't-manage! The only road routes I know are the ones from my home to both my colleges and one to my aunt's place, which we happen to frequent. Ask me no more! Hail metro! :P So the other day, Saturday, I suppose, I made a much-needed trip to my library in C.P., after which I was supposed to meet a few friends. As usual the library trip went alright, except for the minor defect of a couple of seconds that I managed to embarrass myself when the security guard refused to let me take my pepper spray inside (hard times call for hard measures. Or something like that) and I stood there looking confused, my face an expression that said 'If you don't allow, I'll use it on you!'. Maybe. After which the guard just utters a 'please?' and I nod and move forward!

So, yeah. As if normal straight roads didn't confuse me anyway, I was asked to come and meet my friends at a KFC restaurant (yay chicken!). Looking more confident than I felt (alone time is tough), I walked up to a couple of autowallas and described my misery (read: asked them to take me to KFC!), one of whom refused, the other one looked at me like I was crazy, the third one saying, 'Paas me hi hai, paidal chale jaao'. Now if that's not embarrassing enough. :| Okay, lazy guy! I'll walk. If only I knew where! I called up a friend and explained my then-current location and while on the phone, walked halfway through, after which I had to hang up. Definitely felt like I was in some alien city, shooting daggers at anyone who dared look (paranoia!) and walking as fast as my legs could manage (definite need for solid exercise!). I was told it's easy and near, and the phone wouldn't be needed. Of course it was! Standing outside a huge KFC (*stomach rumbles*), I call again and thank god I did, because they weren't really at KFC, but in Dominos, which wasn't even visible in my range of vision!

Anyhow, after a few more minutes, they came out and took me. :P I know, I can be pathetic at times, but that's just one of my very few weaknesses, I swear! Meeting at Dominos, no one wanted to order anything, so hiding faces (that was me), we left for the next door Dunkin' Donuts, where we talked about what we wanted to, while tasting a weird looking something-that-was-not-a-donut! Later on a friend P, wished for some hot coffee, so we went into a CCD. Some good looking, posh-looking CCD it was. We were four by that time and when the waiter arrived to take the order, P announced she'll have an espresso and we shook our heads when he looked at us. That's it, we said. He gave a funny look, which I found quite insulting (but you have to ignore certain things in life, so we let it pass). When finally the waiter came and we were waiting quite restlessly (that was me! Not because I wanted coffee, sillies, but because it was getting late!), what he brought down on the table seemed to be a starter or something.

This was it. And that's my hand measuring the cup!

We sat there, staring at it. Waiting for something, it seemed. Quite a while passed before any of us realized that that's going to be it. That's all. The waiter's gone, a couple more glancing at our table with funny looks on their faces. I narrowed my eyes at them and then brought them back to the table again. My eyes, I mean. What we had in front seemed nothing less than a brilliant, not-so-perfectly-timed joke. The espresso was contained in a three inch cup, filled slightly less than half with a deep dark liquid, accompanied by three different kinds of sugar packets. I might be dumb when it comes to having coffee at coffee shops, because the only coffee out-of-home I've ever liked has been at the Cafe at one of my libraries. But even then, this was not what we expected for 70 bucks! After several minutes of analyzing it and let's admit, laughing out loud, especially at P's expression that shrieked "I've been betrayed!" I realized it was fun. We had a good laugh over it and it did reinforce my initial qualms about CCD being hopeless. Oh by the way, just one tiny sip was all it took to know we're not going to touch it again.

More Light!!!: Then there was yesterday, when I was reading a surprisingly good book, that I had this strange, unnerving feeling, the kind of intuitive feeling you get sometimes, so strong that you feel like doing all sorts of things on impulse. Which in my case, was book-shopping! I hadn't been to a bookstore in ages and my friend in office (yeah, we were in on our internship!) suggested Landmark, a whole one floor bookstore, after listening to which I couldn't stop drooling. I decided to stop being a nerd-intern and leave office early for a change. Will you believe it? The impulse was so strong that my convo with my mentor went like this:

Mentor: So, all this is fine. Just complete it soon and show the final thing to me today itself.   

Me: *Looking distressed* Umm.... Actually...

Mentor: What? Can't happen today? I guess you have plenty of time.

Me: No, it's not that. Can I please mail it to you by evening? I actually have to go somewhere today. Soon.

Mentor: Oh, alright. Mail it to me then.

Me: *Dancing inside* Thank you. :)

In short, I checked my bag to see if I did indeed have my card, you know, to be able to make purchases, when I realized I don't even have my purse, let alone the card! I was cash-strapped! My friend kindly suggested I take some from her and return the next day, and that my impulse-feelings had somehow got transferred and she's not going to take no for an answer, and so we went. The bookstore was definitely awesome! So many different categories of books, filled with amazing titles! I smiled at some, went absolutely berserk at some, drooled over some, and then started looking for the book(s) I wanted. Now, the first one I wanted was The Other Side of the Table by Madhumita Mukherjee. I know, Indian, but I was finding it so good that I wanted my own copy, rather than the borrowed one, because it's the kind of book that you'd like reading again and again. Found it soon enough under 'New arrivals', hence no discount. But that's alright. An awesome book is an awesome book. 

I did not find a copy of The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. Again. So then I picked up two Cecelia Aherns, and I admit, totally because of the awesomeness of their covers! I mean, have you even seen the cover for One Hundred Names? I totally picked it up because of the cover! It seemed like a 'must-have'. And then as there was this offer, buy 3 for 2, and my first book wasn't in that category and my friend picked up Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks from that scheme too, I had to pick one more, which would be free. So I went with The Gift by Cecelia Ahern. Super happy with the loot, we went to make the payment when the cash counter girl swiped the card too hard and it stopped working! :O Just like that! We tried a few times, even in the ATM, but it didn't work. Heart-broken and even more cash-less than we thought we were, we said goodbye to our books and went home empty handed. We haven't lost hope yet, we'll be going there again this week, but still. Also I had to go home by metro, which is when I realized that my bag was closed by one of those stupid plastic locks they put before you enter a department store, so that without a pair of scissors you can't open it. And so I spent 40 minutes daydreaming. No book, no headphones. :P I tell you, there is actually some fault in my stars. :| 

- This was totally random. Why can't I even write something I had planned? -

Also, I still haven't started making the thing I promised to mail my mentor yesterday. Lazy or what?

Music-ing!

‘Singing Radiohead at the top of our lungs, with the boombox blaring as we’re falling in love’ sings Avril Lavigne in the background as I attempt writing while listening to music. I’m otherwise someone who needs absolute silence in order to concentrate enough to write. Sometimes though, I’m able to achieve the feat with random noise as well, thanks to having a sibling. You know how they never listen to you, so no matter what you say or how bad you plead with them, they’ll still not keep their (and the TV’s) volume down. 

I wasn’t much of a music person, at least until some time back. There were a few tracks I liked, but never bothered downloading them just to listen over and over. While I listened to others going on how music makes them feel better, nodding my head as if I understood, I wasn’t giving it much of a thought. When they said music made them ‘forget the world’ and gave them peace, I thought of it as a medium that suits them, like books suited me. I had that medium for the solution to every feeling I had. It was just some time ago, a year and a half maybe, that I got into a lucky friendship with someone who had a music solution for everything. If I would be feeling happy, I’d get a song that would describe that feeling, if I would be confused, a song for that, if I would be feeling like crying, a song for that. That’s when I realized how there’s a song for almost everything and.... it actually feels good, when you listen to your feelings transcribed and sung through a song. Add magical beats or the soothing instruments in the background, and you’re feeling better already! Music doesn’t make me forget the world, like for others, but makes me more aware, aware of my feelings which sometimes I otherwise cannot form into words even in my head.

 

Source: Google

All the songs I now feel like listening to, the ones I like best, all have come from that friend. Great music choice, I have to say! :D Another friend suggested a couple of girly songs (she’s a girl, so yeah :P) which have somewhat rekindled my love for such songs, which was dominant for a while when I was in school and loved singing along to Hannah Montana. (I still do that sometimes, though!) Now it’s like, I have someone to think about for almost every song. Not because of the message in the song, but who introduced me it. If I listen to Heart Vacancy or Honey Bee, I have a person in mind. If I’m listening to Here’s to Never Growing Up, I think of the one who made me listen to it. Is this what happens to you too? It’s not that I relate to every song, as such. Because hello? There are so many love songs I like, but I’m zero-ically interested in the love shove ki moh maya! :P Though yes, some songs do make me feel like it was written just to describe my feelings! ^_^ 

This morning, what I was trying to comprehend and find out reasons for, was why there’s so much focus on physical beauty. Always having to deal with my nada photogenic self, apart from the real problems, I have developed a resistance to the idea of beauty being just physical. I’m not saying it is, but even at first glance when normal people say, ‘She/He’s beautiful’, I internally agree but I wish they would know the person before calling them beautiful. This is a whole topic for some other time, but the gist is that I wasn’t feeling too good, thank you outer-beauty-judging world. And then reluctantly I decided to listen to some songs while travelling in the bus for office (internship! Reluctantly because I don’t feel like letting those singers making fun of my situation, but since I can’t read in the bus, I had to do something). I’m glad I did, though. I tuned in to two songs I’ve been listening to continuously since the past two days and I can’t describe what all they made me feel, except that they did make me feel beautiful. 

Thanks Preetika for these two songs! :D

Taylor Swift: 22

Avril Lavigne: Here’s to Never Growing Up

PS- I’m thinking it would be cool to have a weekly thing, the likes of ‘Song of the Week’. One song featured, one which would have been my latest favourite! How about that? I have ten in my mind already! 

PPS- I managed to write while listening to songs. And my headache’s gone. Is music awesome or what? :D     

Happiness unlimited!! :D

Life is insanely funny, not excluding the 'insane' part. I mean, just yesterday I was feeling so crappy, even a little bit in the morning, worried about a sweet friendship that means the world to me. I think God has finally decided my days of facing slash feeling crap should be over. Whatever test He was subjecting me to, I must have aced it. Beautifully. I had such an amazing day today! So many little things that made me so happy that right now I'm absolutely, positively, you-can't-piss-me-off-whatever-you-do giddy! *Giggles*

Alright, I have loads to say about the internship and so far I was just having an experience bordering average or maybe even boring. Seems like the barrier was crossed today and I'm so sure it's going to be good from now on. Maybe even better than expected. I'll be writing down the amazing little things that happened today in points. They may seem pretty much average to you, but ask someone like me who's oh-so trying to get over the depressing don't-know-why phase I was into recently. All this means a lot. :D

1. I was feeling cruddy because I had been pissed off without much of a reason the last night and hadn't talked to one of my best friends, just because of it. And.... well, I was feeling on edge till morning because I hate making those friends who're close to me, feel like I'm mental and fearing losing them. So I made an unconventional call and it managed to calm me down so well. I suppose that was the first ball in the make-my-day-happy court. The said friend is super sweet. If you're reading this, I guess you'll know and I treasure you truly. :)

2. While I was sitting in the blessed RTV that takes me, and some staff members back home comfortably (otherwise I would have been dragging myself, changing three modes of transport and two metro trains, no less!), I was listening to the three women talk, with whom I always sit during the evening ride. Two of them are English editors and one sweet lady who helped me since Day 1, what she does I don't know exactly. Anyway, I always sort of admired one of those two editors (not just because she's an editor, though my respect level automatically zooms up for such amazing people), who is a Kashmiri and she's lovely. Not just going by physical appearance. She's sweet when she talks, her 'Good morning's are always bright and actually seem to make your mornings 'good', her tone is so damn polite! Today was the first time I had proper interaction with those two, despite the fact that I sit facing them each day, the past two weeks. And I loved it. 

Just like always, ignoring the fact that my head is buzzing and my eyes in pain, I take out my book-for-today. (My reading speed has suspiciously increased, so that I'm now relishing off books no more than one-for-two-days-max). The non-Kashmiri one tells the other, 'She's really fond of reading books. Each day it is a different one, see?', recalling the conversation I had with her the previous day, when the Kash one was absent. Then we went on talking about books, the second conversation of the day. This one was different, as they both are readers too, and we were discussing what thriller writers are the best, how there are few kids who read so much, or read at all, how the Kash has her own library (I swear I felt like saying 'I love you!' but I supposed that would gross her out and cancel any chances I had of ever making a conversation with her again). We discussed the amazingness of Harry Potter and how she almost let a cooker blast because she was so engrossed in reading the book. I just controlled my drool. 

Anyway, so she encouraged me to pick up a few good Indian authors, whose books are there in the office library. I sadly recounted my experience the first day, where the cranky old librarian said, 'You're not permanent employees, so I'm not issuing you books', after which I did not venture even close. She asked me to meet her there tomorrow, she'll show me the good books and will get them issued- on her own card. God bless such souls. More on this later! :D

3. My dad came home-sweet-home after a four day official trip to Dushanbe, the capital of Tajikistan. That is awesome enough, but it was the happiness he was radiating that was so contagious! Amidst laughter and jokes, he recounted his experiences while practically glowing! This place is one superb, one of the most beautiful places he's ever seen! And trust me, he's seen many. I was awed by the pictures, by the little sweet nothings he described that make that place what it is. It's supposed to be a poor country, but it looks far from it. The people are generous and kind, they respect 'Hindustanis', have super cute dhabas where they serve choy with naan and fried fish and salad! *drooling* There is this river, Nurek which is actually sea green! SO pretty! I'm attaching pictures, so you can experience some of the awesomeness too.

All pictures here have been clicked by my dad! (Except the one with the kids!)

Snow mountains! So high!

                                   

Pamirs!

Then, on the way back, the plane's route was such that they'd be flying over 'The Roof of the World', otherwise known as the Pamirs. It's the highest altitude plateau in the world and the surrounding mountains were SO high! You can imagine from these pictures. Amazing! There were other landmarks too, like the Somoni statue, the world's biggest library (yeah!) and the world's tallest free-standing flagpole. I'm too lazy to put in links, please Google. Or just stay khush with these pictures! ;) Oh yeah, I got these two jewelry items as a gift, as I have to have something from every country he visits. Keepsake and all, you know. I couldn't get my ear to look pretty, so the earrings don't make it to the blog. Here's this beautiful bracelet! *Drooling some more* Oh again, some chocolates too, and yes, a perfume as well! Thanks Dad! :D

Bracelet! :D

Nurek river. Look at the color!

Dad with cutie and excited Tajik kids!

The world's biggest library! I'll have to visit this someday!

4. One of my greatest friends has been selected in his dream university! Feeling super happy! :D Not just because I'm in for a scrumptious treat, but because I genuinely am too happy, like the amazing friend that I am. ;) 

I know, I have at least 3-4 friends right now, waiting to talk! I shouldn't type more! :P More later! Too happy to even type! :D 

You cannot.

**Fiction**

Bridget's diary (D)

Bridget

Here's a list of some things you cannot do:

1. Oh well, heck with a list. I just had one point in mind and I'm not going to cook up a few more just so this looks a little less than a very bad entry. 

Anyway D, you agree with me, right, when I say you cannot have everything according to how you want it? Of course you need to consider other people's wishes, needs and comfort levels as well. Is that possibly a reason I'm so anti-social? I have no problem with other people living their lives, having fun. They can do just about whatever. Unless it comes close to my life, including the people I'm close to. Then I can be painfully vicious, though not at the surface. See, this is how it goes: I notice a ripple in my perfectly smooth lake of life and I'm disturbed. I don't like changes, especially if it's for something I really like. It would be then that I would blurt out stuff, half of which I don't even mean, which doesn't make sense even to me, as if it came out just because of that reason- to come out. 

And then the one I believe is a comrade-for-life (though not exactly 'one'. I'm quite disgusted at myself for my insane 'quality'-if you could call it that-to have trusted and had that trust crushed innumerable times), reaches his/her patience limit- a little too quickly, I think - and there! The explosion that rocks me off the deck and hauls me overboard. Okay, not that dramatic. I mean, it's then that maybe something snaps and they get back with a rude word or say things you know but don't want to hear? Like how it is you yourself that is the problem. That's when I feel my heart sink. There goes another one of my precious relations. Except for the fact that nothing seems to change on the surface. It's as if the ripple wasn't even there.

But the point is, I'm not vicious at all, D. The plain truth is just this! I'm scared. Insecure. I need my 'trustees', even if it is only one, to be a little more patient with me. C'mon, you know this D! If I'm willing to do and bear just about anything, if any one of them needs something: a person who'd just listen, someone who might help, who may offer some genuine advice, don't I always get on with the role? There's hardly any hesitation. Then why can't I just have someone who wouldn't lose their cool if I'm being a little bit difficult? I swear, I think people run by their own personal whims and fancies. Got bored of one? Go talk to another. Wrong. 

You cannot just say whatever comes to your heart, all that you are feeling. You cannot have that satisfaction, the one where you finally speak out your heart, all your thoughts and beliefs and fears and apprehensions and still have the other one love/like/admire/respect you in the same way. Instead they'll snap and turn the tables on you. I think, D, it's kind of like, bullying? Minus doing it deliberately. It is deliberate, but it's so ingrained in us that we don't give our behaviour a thought. There might be something wrong with me, and I don't know what. And the worst part is, there's no one to help. No one listens. The moment they listen, they lash out. And with each lash, D, my heart sinks lower. Just like the boat that drowned, because just like the boat, I may have lost my captain. 

Though, I'm really grateful I learned to read and write. That is one form of expression I'm most comfortable with. I love you, D! Maybe more so because you do the 'listening' job pretty well. :) And I trust you completely. 

D

My Dear Bridget

I love you too. While I'm glad I'm your supposedly, only supporter, I'm afraid I won't be able to diagnose the problem. That you need to manage with human help, someone more physical. Please help yourself Bridget, it's the only way. At least to begin with. 

All the best!

**End**

Is this the most morose story or what? Looks like the diary entry of a completely lost person. I hope Bridget is able to find the right coordinates, and navigate her way back to the right track. Oh my God. I just created a character! Hello Bridget, whose name-I-chose-in-half-a-second-as-it-was-the-first-to-come-to-mind. I hope I get more stuff to write about you. :D